My Old Man's a Conman (My Old Man's a Dustman, Lonnie Donegan)

One thing we're learning on LOST is that John Locke has been manipulated many times throughout his life. But he's also manipulated others, as when he got Sawyer to kill Anthony Cooper for him. John didn't explain a thing to him beforehand. If he had, I imagine his explanation would have gone something like this, to the tune of Lonnie Donegan's My Old Man's a Dustman, as performed by the Irish Rovers. (Somehow I mixed up the last two verses when I wrote this; I guess the fourth verse always seemed more like a conclusion to me than the fifth. And I like the ending I've got, so the last two don't quite match up with the recording...)

My Old Man’s a Conman

Now, here’s a little story of many nasty shocks
That ended with my father arriving in a box.
I come to you now wiser. Richard clued me in.
We have a common rival, James. Let’s see… Where do I begin?

Oh, my old man’s a conman. He went by Sawyer too.
Can’t bring myself to kill him, so I'll just leave it up to you.
You’re capable of murder and you’ve searched for him so long.
Fulfilling your oath would help us both. Tell me, how could that be wrong?

When he and I first met, James, he led me to believe
He wanted to befriend me, but I was just naïve.
I gladly gave my kidney, for it seemed like destiny.
But when I went to see him next, he wouldn’t talk to me!

Oh, my old man’s a conman. He went by Sawyer too.
Can’t bring myself to kill him, so I'll just leave it up to you.

Now, though he had betrayed me, I mourned him when he died,
But then I spotted a parked car, and there he was inside.
He told me that he’d wronged me, and he almost seemed sincere -
Till he used me yet again! The outcome was severe.

Oh, my old man’s a conman. He went by Sawyer too.
Can’t bring myself to kill him, so I'll just leave it up to you.

I found some dirt on him one day and told him what I knew.
He said that my suspicions were unfounded and untrue.
I stood there by the window and almost bought his line -
(spoken) Then, James, he pushed me out, shattering my spine!

My old man’s a conman. He went by Sawyer too.
Can’t bring myself to kill him, so I'll just leave it up to you.

Now, my old man’s a conman who, one time long ago,
Seduced a lovely lady, James, and he took her husband’s dough.
(spoken) That fella was your dad.
He learned about the con
And shot his wife and shot himself and…
(spoken) James, need I go on?

Oh, my old man’s a conman. He went by Sawyer too.
Can’t bring myself to kill him, so I'll just leave it up to you.
It’s thanks to this same conman your life has been oh so sad.
So, sure as my name’s John, then, you’re meant to kill my dad!