Fish Biscuit (Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Jerry Bock / Sheldon Harnick)

"Hey, you got yourself a fish biscuit!" - Tom, A Tale of Two Cities

When it comes to fictional food, LOST has done just about as well as Harry Potter in whetting my appetite. I'm especially taken with Apollo bars, which always seem to turn up at times when one person is showing great kindness to another, and fish biscuits, which probably aren't all that tasty but certainly must be appreciated when they're the only thing on the menu. Here's an ode to them, set in early season three, to the tune of Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick's Matchmaker, Matchmaker, from Fiddler on the Roof.

Fish Biscuit

Karl: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
You’re all I’ve had
For a long time. You’re not so bad,
Fish biscuit, fish biscuit.
Yet I would bet
That when you’re gone, I’ll be glad.

Kate: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
Shaped like a fish,
Tastes like a caged bear’s fondest wish.
Getting so hungry I’m weak in the knees
So pass me a biscuit, please.

Sawyer: Oh, Freckles tastes like strawberries,
A nice way to approach my own death.
But she had better be wary,
‘Cause I bet that I have fish biscuit breath!

Karl: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
You’re all I’ve had
For a long time. You’re not so bad.
Still, on the list of things I’d want to eat,
A fish biscuit is not a treat.

(spoken)
Karl: Hey. Hey, how long would it take to get to your camp?
Sawyer: What, you talking to me now, Chachi?
Karl: From where they got you, how long a walk was it? A day, two days? And what are the people like from your plane?
Sawyer: Oh, they're just awesome. Last one of you boys came for a visit got tortured by our Iraqi. He tortured me, too...
[Karl escapes his cage and tries to spring Sawyer]
Sawyer: Hey, how'd you get out of there?

(sung)
Karl: Sawyer, hey Sawyer, come on! Run away with me!
I’ve waited, I’ve planned, and now I get to flee
Because you’ll take me to your friends, right? Right!
No doubt they have their vices, but hey, they sure beat Ben,
My girlfriend’s crummy dad -
Shoot, caught again!

Tom: Hey, Ford, you rascal, well, aren’t you the clever guy?
You worked out the trick! I knew that if you’d try
You’d get yourself a fish biscuit, son.
One small thing I ought to tell you.
The bears were lots of fun.
In just a couple hours,
They got it done.

Sawyer: So you sayin’ I’m a dunce?
Tom: Now, just take it easy there.
It’s apparent to me that you’re perfectly smart and tenacious -
For a bear!

Sawyer: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
Guess now I know
How hobbits feel, lembas in tow.
Since I am starvin’ these things do the trick,
But boy, am I gettin’ sick
Of biscuits, crunchy and fishy.
I won’t miss them at all when we leave,
And at the beach, I won’t wish we
Had stuck a few up our sleeves.

Kate: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
I can’t complain. Glad I’m alive.
Still, I do feel
Fish biscuits really aren’t much of a meal.
So I’m in no doubt.
We will bust out.
Can’t wait to eat any old dish
That isn’t shaped like a fish!

Bear! (Hair, Galt MacDermot / James Rado / Gerome Ragni)

How many times have we seen a polar bear on LOST now? And how many polar bears has it actually been? Two? Three? One bear possessing eerie Mikhail-like indestructibility? That's the theory I have Sawyer posit in this silly parody of the Cowsills' Hair.

Bear!

Sawyer: You asked me why.
Why? I don't wanna die.
That bear was in my sighty-sight sight.
He gave me a fright.
That bear has died, you know.
The tough task was mine;
I made him go!
He won't come back. He's dead.
Guess we'll be well fed!
Darlin'...

Look! I just shot a bear.
Big, burly white bear.
Growlin', scowlin',
Furry, in a hurry.

Would have said, "Beware!" (Bear!)
If he'd been there longer. (Bear!)
Still, I have stopped trauma;
Why treat me like a baddie?

(Bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear!)
Shoot 'im, boot 'im,
'Long as I can mute 'im,
That bear.

Walt: I made a dash for the trees.
I am begging you, please
Be speedy in seizing that bear.
I'd get on my knees
And pray, but I'd better freeze
And skimp on words
And hope the birds
Make a clatter
That will shatter
The attention of that...

(Bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear!)
Stab 'im, jab 'im,
Just keep him from grabbin'!
That bear...

Sawyer: I want him long gone, not returning,
Musty, dusty, beaten, eaten.
Hope that he's forever severed.
Now his cage is sparking rages.
Think I'd better risk it,
Fishin' for his biscuit
Though he's bigger than a yeti
And his jaws and claws are like machetes.

Eko: Oh, say can you see his eyes?
If you can, then your life is short.

Sawyer: He's still here.
Don't know where.
Darn that bear! Darn that bear! I stopped him myself!
How can his paws keep runnin' when I stopped him myself?

Oh, why is a polar bear,
Non-tropical bear,
Even grievin' us? He should be leavin'.

How does a regular fella dare (Bear!)
Face a beast that's stronger? (Bear!)
That may be more drama
Than I would deal with gladly.
(Bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear!)
Shoot 'im, boot 'im,
'Long as I can mute 'im,
That... (bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear!)
Shoot 'im, boot 'im,
'Long as I can mute 'im,
That... (bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear!)

The Star of My Supreme Deception (The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon)

Here's another Other-centered LOST parody in which Ben is the speaker. It assumes that Ben actually did know about his tumor before the plane crashed, which may well not be the case, but until I know otherwise I guess I'll take him at his word. Here's a little exchange between him and Tom (aka Mr. Friendly), who I take to be his right-hand man, to the tune of The Only Living Boy in New York.

The Star of My Supreme Deception

Ben: Tom, there's a plane in the sky.
I know you're happy to lie.
Try not to let them know
Those grimy clothes and that beard are for show.
Just be the man,
The star of my supreme deception.

I'll send you out to meet
Them so I won't get hurt.
Oh, I'm in charge so I can make you meet
Them so I won't get hurt.
Hey, and I'm hoping that you will pray to find
One who might get this bump off my spine
While you're the man,
The star of my supreme deception.

Half of my time is gone,
But I know he's there, yes, I know he's there.

Tom and Ben: Faaaaa-a-a-ar,
Fa-a-aaaaaaaa-a-a-ar,
Fa-a-aaaaaaaa-a-a-ar away from here,
Ben: Find that man.

Half of my time is gone,
But I know he's there, yes, I know he's there.

Tom, on that plane is a guy.
I know with him I won't have to die now.
Hey, if you care for this life of mine now,
Hurry and go there but don't let them know
You've been primed to be
The star of my supreme deception,
The star of my supreme deception.

Ben and Tom: Faaaaa-a-a-ar,
Fa-a-aaaaaaaa-a-a-ar,
Fa-a-aaaaaaaa-a-a-ar away from here,
Ben: Find that man.
Ben and Tom:Faaaaa-a-a-ar,
Fa-a-aaaaaaaa-a-a-ar,
Fa-a-aaaaaaaa-a-a-ar away from here,
Ben: Find that man.