Joanna (Rosanna, David Paich)

"You think you're all noble and heroic for coming after me? I was fine! You're not the only one who knows what to do around here, you know that? I run a business! Who appointed you our savior, huh?"
- Boone, White Rabbit

We never got to know Joanna, the castaway who drowned less than a week after the crash of Flight 815, and neither did much of anybody else. Here Jack runs the gamut of emotions before ultimately using her tragic death as an impetus for a more united camp, to the tune of Toto's Rosanna.

Joanna

Boone: Think you’re noble, Jack?  Well, I didn’t need a savior, and someone died.
Joanna, Joanna.
She only drowned ‘cause you interfered and wasted time on me.
Joanna.
All you had to do was abandon me, but no, you couldn’t get that right.
Joanna, Joanna.
You didn’t think I could handle myself?  I beg to disagree.

Jack: I’m sorry, Boone, but just go away.  Joanna’s dead.
Never saw her before today.
Helping doesn’t pay.  Helping doesn’t pay.  Joanna’s dead.
Helping doesn’t pay.  Helping doesn’t pay.  Joanna’s dead.

Kate: Jack, you look exhausted.  Go and get some rest.  Nobody doubts you tried.
Jack: Joanna, Joanna.
I gotta go; what I think I see must mean I’m going mad.
Joanna.
Overcome with guilt, and I shudder at the judgment in my father’s eyes.
Joanna, Joanna.
I never thought, even with him dead, I’d have to dodge my dad.

I’m sorry, Kate.  Need to get away.  Joanna’s dead.
Never saw her before today.
Now, my dad would say, “Let it go, okay?  Joanna’s dead.”
But I can’t obey.  Need to get away.  Joanna’s dead.

Okay, I have a few things to say.  Joanna’s dead,
But Boone tried saving her today.
Put your barbs away.  Fighting’s not okay.  That angst will spread.
There’s a better way.  If we’re here to stay, let’s bond instead.

If we’re here to stay, if we’re here to stay, let’s bond instead.
If we’re here to stay, if we’re here to stay, let’s bond instead.

The Distress Call (Feuilles-Oh / Do Space Men Pass Dead Souls On Their Way to the Moon, Traditional / J. S. Bach / Linda Grossman)

"Si qui que ce soit puisse entendre ceci, ils sont morts. Veuillez nous aider. Je vais essayer d'aller jusqu'au Rocher Noir. Il les a tués. Il les a tués tous."
- Danielle, Pilot, Part 2

Here's my best attempt at turning the radio transmission into a song. I changed it as little as possible; I hope it still makes sense. Here's the end of the pilot episode, to the tune of Art Garfunkel's Feuilles-Oh / Do Space Men Pass Dead Souls On Their Way to the Moon?

The Distress Call

Danielle: Si qui que puisse entendre,
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.
Si qui que puisse entendre,
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.

Veuillez nous aider.
Il les a tués.
Ils sont morts.
Vuillez nous aider.
Il les a tués.
Je vais essayer
D'aller à Rocher Noir.
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.

Si qui que puisse entendre,
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.
Si qui que puisse entendre,
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.

Veuillez nous aider.
Il les a tués.
Ils sont morts.
Vuillez nous aider.
Il les a tués.
Je vais essayer
D'aller à Rocher Noir.
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.

Sayid: It’s been running for 16 years.
Boone: Someone else? Stranded here?
Sayid: Yes, this was a cry for help.
Sawyer: If someone saved her, then why’s it still play?
Charlie: Uh... Hey, guys, where are we?
This is no normal place.

Danielle: Veuillez nous aider.
Il les a tués.
Ils sont morts.
Vuillez nous aider.
Il les a tués.
Je vais essayer
D'aller à Rocher Noir.
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.

Hoffs-Drawlar (Hotel Caliifornia, Don Felder / Glenn Frey / Don Henley)

Funeral Director: My deepest condolences. Friend or family? Jack: Neither.
- Through the Looking Glass, Part 2

"If you do leave this place, the day may come when you want to return."
- Ben, King of the Castle


On LOST, few relationships are as complicated as the one between Jack and John. While his death brings the doctor to the brink of suicide, he can't even bring himself to identify himself as John's friend. Then again, it's hard to blame him... Here are some musings from Jack at the Hoffs-Drawlar funeral parlor in the third and fourth season finales, to the tune of the Eagles' Hotel California.

Hoffs-Drawlar

Saw your name in the paper.
I had to look twice.
I’d done too much boozing;
Maybe this was the price.
But I wasn’t mistaken.
Sometimes it stings to be right.
I made my mind up as the plane touched down.
I had to end it that night.

As I gazed at the pavement,
About to take the leap,
I felt a fierce inferno and
I heard a crunch and a scream and a beep.
Went to go play the hero
Because that’s what I do.
When I got out of the hospital,
I had to come see you.

I’m here, but I find it hard to mourn ya.
I will not pretend (I will not pretend) that I was your friend.
Sorry you’re dead, but it’s hard for me to mourn ya.
All you brought my life (all you brought my life) was a lot of strife.

You put a knife through Naomi.
I always blamed you for Boone.
You blathered on about a sacrifice...
What a goon!
You set off those explosives,
Scads of C-4.
The Flame was in flames and
The sub was no more.

All the while you insisted
I misunderstood.
You swore that every single thing you’d done was
For the Island’s good.
And when you wearied of telling me not to leave,
You encouraged the tangle of deceit
I went on to weave.

I’m here, but I find it hard to mourn ya.
I will not pretend (I will not pretend) that I was your friend.
Yeah, Jeremy Bentham, it’s hard for me to mourn ya,
With your pseudonym (with your pseudonym) and your vanished vim.

The man here informed me
That nobody else came.
Pathetic. You went out a bitter old man,
All alone and lame.
You said that we were special
And shared one common fate.
I think I might accept that now,
But I’ve found my faith too late.

Who lurks in the shadows?
Am I really seeing Ben,
And can I trust he’ll get me back
To the Island once again?
He once tried to warn me
Of the lesson I would learn:
“If you leave this place, the day may come
When you want to return.”

Hotel California

Boone and Shannon (Bread and Roses, James Oppenheim)

One of the oddest pairings LOST has presented is Boone and Shannon, who really ought to stick to being brother and sister. This is a reflection on their relationship to the tune of John Denver's Bread and Roses. Here's hoping their lives are a little less complicated in the Sideways storyline.

Boone and Shannon

He said she was his sister, but that wasn’t quite the case,
For a fierce infatuation was emblazoned on his face
As he stood and criticized her for her superficial tannin’,
Knowing she would just berate him. Boone and Shannon, Boone and Shannon.

She said he was her brother. That’s a matter for debate.
When their parents wed each other, he was ten and she was eight.
Surely such romantic ardor wasn’t what they had been plannin’,
But it’s what was in the cards for Boone and Shannon, Boone and Shannon.

They said that they were siblings, and they tossed the “step” away.
Did they need a stern reminder that the game they tried to play
Was a deviant idea that deserved a brutal bannin’?
Will another life be kind to Boone and Shannon, Boone and Shannon?
Will another life be kind to Boone and Shannon, Boone and Shannon?

John Locke (Gaston, Alan Menken / Howard Ashman)

The first LOST filksong I ever wrote involves many of the characters discussing their backstories and Island experiences. The second has John bragging about how great he is. So I thought, for my 100th LOST song, it would be fitting to do a song in which a whole bunch of characters sing about how great John was. About 20 characters (many of them long dead) get in on the action here, to the tune of Alan Menken and Howard Ashman's Gaston, from Beauty and the Beast. Cheers!

John Locke

Ben: How it confused me to see you, John Locke,
Looking so lost and depressed.
Everything was “destiny” to John Locke,
Sure to work out for the best.
I always had failed to unnerve you before;
I now wonder why I would try.
Oddly, I long to preserve you now, for
To impress me, John, you had to die.

Smokey: No one’s been, like John Locke,
Made a twin like John Locke.
Kate: No one’s pulled off an orange-peel grin like John Locke.
Desmond: Oh, his skills with a blade were just scary.
Hurley: Dude, he undid my canteen!
Sun: Though I know his head wasn’t too hairy,
‘Twas the shiniest specimen I’ve ever seen.

Smokey: No one’s used like John Locke
And abused like John Locke.
Jack: No one “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”s like John Locke.
Smokey: No one else is as primed for manipulation.
I miss that guy, that John Locke.

Ben: A man of faith,
Of firm belief.
Richard: John Locke truly sought,
And I thought he’d be a chief.

Boone: No one’s charred as John Locke,
Had it hard as John Locke.
Shannon: No one’s face is as eerily scarred as John Locke.
Sayid: Yes, he went through a number of tussles.
Christian: He got shot and he shattered his leg.
Rose: But he had such miraculous muscles.
Sawyer: Darn right!
If brawn were a brew, then he drank a whole keg.

Jin: No one knots like John Locke,
Claire: Swaddles cloths like John Locke.
Charlie: No one makes metaphors about moths like John Locke.
Claire: No one else is as crafty at crib creation.
I owe a lot to John Locke.

Eko: No other man could have seemed quite so sincere
When he quietly said, “I was wrong.”
Walt: He always respected me when I was here.
All: Oh, it’s clear he’s earned this little song.

Jacob: I attest that John Locke
Was my guest, and John Locke
Never needed to doubt he was blessed as John Locke.
I agree his life merits a celebration.

All: I miss that guy, John Locke!

Bye, Australia! (Sing Australia, John Denver)

My very first LOST parody was a group song, but I've only had a few let's-get-as-many-characters-involved-as-we-can-style parodies. I figured it was time for another one. Here's one that crams in 30 815 passengers, I think; most have a line, some are mentioned by others. To the tune of John Denver's Sing Australia, this imagines their thoughts en route to L. A. (in the original timeline).

Bye, Australia!

Hurley: I came to Australia to break the Numbers curse.
Jack: I came to find my father; didn’t think I would need a hearse.
Boone: Came to help my step-sister.
Arzt: Came here for a date.
John: I came for a walkabout; I was four years too late.

Rose: We were here on our honeymoon.
Bernard: I came to help her heal.
Nikki: I arrived as an actress but I found some gems to steal.
Charlie: Liam is on my black list since he won’t revive the band.
Kate: Maybe I’ll find some way to lose the Marshal when we land.

Hurley: I’m unlucky.
Kate: I am plucky.
Jack: I’m a surgeon of great renown.
Charlie: I’m a druggie.
John: I had a purpose, but Australia let me down.

Michael: Walt is my son, but I bet I’m a lousy dad.
Sawyer: Killed a guy I didn’t know; now I’m feelin’ bad.
Sun: Do I still love my husband?
Jin: Could Sun still be in love with me?
Neil: Excuse me while I dream of a frogurt factory.

Sayid: Will Nadia embrace me when we meet again at last?
Shannon: I made my brother chase me.
Eko: I have a sordid past.
Gary: I hope Bad Twin’s a winner.
Steve: I’ll go by Scott someday.
Claire: I’m scared to see this couple waiting in L. A.

Sawyer: I’m a killer.
Gary: Wrote a thriller.
Sayid: I am headed for my true love.
Claire: Funny how it all seems so tiny when we’re watching from above.

Cindy: Bye, Australia!
Paolo: Bye, Australia!
Ana Lucia: Bye, Australia!
Libby: Bye, Australia!

Seth: Folks, I hope your belts are buckled,
‘Cause this plane is goin’ down!

Sing Australia

I'm Lost Without...

This past Christmas, I received a shirt that reads "I'M LOST WITHOUT CHARLIE". Turns out it was prophetic, since Charlie's run on the show actually ended with the conclusion of the third season. He's one of my four absolutely favorite characters. Luckily, the other three remain, but meanwhile other folks have been getting whacked left and right. It troubles me. Hence, this little rant...

I'm Lost Without...

I'm lost without Charlie, musician and hero.
I'm lost without Shannon and Boone.
I'm lost without Eko, whose death by Old Smokey
Seemed random and happened too soon.

I'm lost without gun-toting Ana Lucia.
I'm lost without Nikki the ditz.
I'm lost without Paolo, Joanna and Leslie,
Who got himself blown into bits.

I'm lost without Libby, collateral damage
And Hurley's best shot at romance.
I'm lost without dangerous Bonnie and Greta,
Who never had much of a chance.

I'm lost without Ryan, Colleen and Naomi.
I'm lost without Donald and Scott.
I'm lost without Roger and Kelvin, the putzes
Whose passing propelled the whole plot.

I'm lost without Danny, irascible hothead.
I'm lost without friendly foe Tom.
I'm lost without Goodwin, that overgrown boy scout.
I'm lost without vile Ethan Rom.

I'm lost without Edward, the dude with the shrapnel.
I'm lost without Cooper and Klugh.
I'm lost without Pilot-Whose-Name-Wasn't-Mentioned
And maybe without Mikhail too.

O Damon and Carlton, desist with the slaughter!
Have mercy! Consider the cost
Of killing each character I've come to love, lest
At last I am lost without LOST!

I Will Not Avenge Boone (Lasso the Moon, Billy Simon / Lowell Alexander)

Here's a refusal from Sayid to Shannon to kill John Locke, to the tune of the lullaby Lasso the Moon. Sayid comes across as pretty rough sometimes, but this is one of those instances that demonstrates the strength of his principles...

I Will Not Avenge Boone

If he were my step-brother,
Despair might turn my love
Into a blinding rage. However,
Think before the actions meant
To banish emptiness
Instead impair your soul forever.

Though Boone died,
That seems accidental to me.
His death was unfair, and yet
Killing John is too.
I will not avenge Boone for you.

Shannon, if John Locke were here,
He'd show you his remorse.
You would not doubt how much he's mourning.
Trust me when I say he's been
Agonizing most
Sincerely. I believe his story.

Though Boone died,
That seems accidental to me.
His death was unfair, and yet
Killing John is too.
I will not avenge Boone for you.

Lasso the Moon

Of Sacrificial Death and Life

Through the Looking Glass, the finale of LOST's third season, has really stuck with me this summer, and while I was contemplating what good could arise from Charlie's demise, it occurred to me that each of the seasons has essentially ended with a character laying down his life for the other castaways.

Boone's death came a little earlier in the first season, and while he failed in his aim of securing rescue with the plane's radio, his death sent John into a tail-spin of misery that ironically kept Desmond from killing himself, which might well have resulted in the deaths of everyone on the island. Granted, Jack could have saved Boone in the meantime, but it was the life-threatening degree of Boone's injuries that sent John off the deep end; I don't think he really had much chance of recovery.

At the end of season two, it certainly looked as though Desmond expected the hatch implosion to kill him, and common sense might dictate that it should have. But he survived, only to appoint himself Charlie's personal savior but ultimately lead him to his own sacrificial death. Now we're all scratching our heads and wondering whether there really was a point to it, but I suspect the positive ripples from Charlie's heroism will one day be as evident as Boone's, though quite possibly very different than anything he might have anticipated.

Desmond is the curious link between the two, another indication of the deep significance his character has for the progression of the show. In a sense, while Boone and Charlie are condemned to die, Desmond is compelled to live, plucked from the jaws of death every time it approaches, for which he's not likely to be too grateful while calamities follow him. Why him? There must be a method behind the madness...

Of Sacrificial Death and Life

The sanctity of sacrifice
Propels the island's grim events,
For death has taken heroes twice
And spared, for reasons yet unclear,
Another who, in brave defense
Of all, dispatched the dread device
Whose purpose John, bereft of sense,
Had doubted, making doom draw near.

'Twas John who led the youthful Boone,
Whose eagerness to make his mark
Encouraged him to stay and tune
The radio. Boone's fateful choice,
Embracing risk to snatch a spark
Of hope, cost him his life, but soon
The anguished John dispelled the dark
Despair of Desmond with his voice.

And hence, though Boone could never know
The consequences of his fall,
In causing Desmond to forego
His suicide, he did as much
As anyone to save them all.
Now Desmond, in the eerie glow
Of liquid light, has ceased to call
To Charlie, just beyond his touch.

His soul has left the fragile frame
That Desmond labored to protect,
The ending of a grievous game
Whose architect he can't forgive.
And yet someday in retrospect,
When wisdom takes the edge off blame,
He'll see how martyrs intersect
As catalysts so others live.

Eye of the Island (Eye of the Tiger, Frankie Sullivan / Jim Peterik)

I had a massive LOST marathon last night with my brother, and re-watching Locke's pep talks to Jack in White Rabbit and Boone in Hearts and Minds inspired this Eye of the Tiger parody.

Eye of the Island

Listen up! I got to meet
That strange force that entrances.
Bathed in mystery, I'm back on my feet,
And I never have felt so alive.

So many crimes have peppered our pasts;
We've all survived sordid stories.
Perhaps this trip's meant to free us at last.
We can write our own futures and thrive.

It's the eye of the Island. What a beautiful sight!
I've been drawn since the day of our arrival
To this presence that drives me, filling me with delight.
I am thrilled and enthralled by the eye of the island.

Seeking grace, ducking defeat,
We are thirsty and hungry.
We're starved for meaning much more than for meat.
We'll be tested the rest of our lives.

It's the eye of the Island. What a beautiful sight!
I've been drawn since the day of our arrival
To this presence that drives me, filling me with delight.
I am thrilled and enthralled by the eye of the island.

Listen up! It's time to stop
Being bound by your story.
With a clean slate, you can start from the top,
And you'll never have felt so alive.

It's the eye of the Island. What a beautiful sight!
I've been drawn since the day of our arrival
To this presence that drives me, filling me with delight.
I am thrilled and enthralled by the eye of the island.

The eye of the Island.
The eye of the Island.
The eye of the Island.
The eye of the Island...

I Can't Take a Shower (You Don't Bring Me Flowers, Alan & Marilyn Bergman)

This parody of You Don't Bring Me Flowers is set in LOST's first season, but it bounces around a bit, so it's a montage of moments in which various characters are disgruntled with some aspect of island life. (Didn't I catch a glimpse of Sullivan in this week's episode? Why don't we see more of him? He's annoying but endearing...)

I Can't Take a Shower

Nikki: I can't take a shower.
Charlie: I can't play my rock songs.
Shannon: It's hard for me to breathe anymore.
Sawyer: Heck, I don't have a door
To keep bandits away.

Scott: I remember when
I had a roof above me.
Steve: I sure miss my TV.
Claire: No peanut butter jars are in sight.
Hurley: It's a bummer, dude.
Folks are starting to fight.
We don't have a stove or
A fridge, and some night,
My Walkman won't have power anymore.

Jack: They tell me I'm a natural
Leader, but I never
Intended to lead people before.
Boone: Shannon lays on the shore,
Doing nothing all day.

Sun: I'd gladly be a member
Of the group; why won't he
Let us interact?
Jin: I'm protecting my wife.
We must never give up
Living our private life.
Walt: I wish I had a turn
Using Mr. Locke's knife.
Michael: Don't call me a coward anymore!

Sullivan: Man, this rash really burns,
And it's causing me strife.
Vincent: Won't somebody feed me?
I hope I'm not lost long.
Paolo: I can't take a shower anymore.

Flight 815 (Sloop John B., Traditional)

Here's an optimistic little LOST ditty to the tune of Sloop John B. set on September 23, 2004.

Flight 815

Boone: We boarded Flight 815,
And Shannon pitched a scene.
No pass for first class made her moan.
That little slight
Turned out quite all right;
When the airplane broke up,
Our limbs were still on.

Castaways: So what if 815 failed
And we're not rescued yet?
We weren't remotely on course,
Radio's gone, radio's gone,
The radio's gone. (Yeah, yeah)
But I feel so grateful
My limbs are still on.

Hurley: I've got such rotten luck,
I almost wound up stuck
In Sydney. I guess it would be better that way.
Dude, my poor mom.
How is she getting along? (Yeah, yeah)
Well, at least there's not much more that can go wrong...

Castaways: So what if 815 failed (What if 815...)
And we're not rescued yet? (And we're not rescued...)
We weren't remotely on course,
Radio's gone (radio's gone)
The radio's gone (radio's gone)
I said the radio's gone. (What if 815 failed?)
(What if 815...)
But I feel so grateful
My limbs are still on.
(Limbs are still on)
(What if 815...)

Locke: That wheelchair stuff was the pits,
And sitting there gave me fits.
It used to make me wish I had never been born.
Woke up this morn,
Paralysis is still gone.
This is the best trip I've ever been on.

Castaways: So what if 815 failed (What if 815...)
And we're not rescued yet? (And we're not rescued...)
We weren't remotely on course,
Radio's gone (radio's gone)
The radio's gone (radio's gone)
I said the radio's gone. (What if 815 failed?)
(What if 815...)
I feel so grateful
My limbs are still on.

The Castaways' Rhapsody (Bohemian Rhapsody, Freddie Mercury)

This morning, I mentioned to my brother Nathan that I wanted to write a song about LOST but hadn't yet settled on an appropriate song, having rejected Gilligan's Island as too obvious and subsequently used it for another parody. "Bohemian Rhapsody!" he exclaimed. And I must applaud him, because it was an inspired suggestion, and one I might not have thought of by myself. What follows is a mass of festering schizophrenia, but I hope you will find it as fun to read as I found it to write. The names in bold are to indicate the speakers; just imagine a massive music video containing every member of the principal cast and then some...

The Castaways' Rhapsody

Castaways: Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Who knew that plane ride
Would conclude in calamity?
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see...
Boone: I'd be a hero, but Jack will not let me
Because he's sure that he's in the know.
Hurley: I'm getting vertigo.
Why'd I have to win the -
Boone: Nothing I do matters...
Hurley: - dumb lottery?

Kate: Sawyer, I killed a man.
Now the one I love is dead.
I wish it was me instead.
Sun and Jin: We are both Korean and
We cannot understand a thing you say.
Michael: Walter, ooooh, didn't mean to make you cry.
You bum me out because you didn't miss me.
Walt: Vincent's gone, Vincent's gone,
And my dad keeps getting madder.

Charlie: I hate that my drugs are gone.
Jack: I know that I'm a hunk
And I think that Boone is bunk.
Claire: I am really pregnant. This baby is
Gonna finally pop out of me any day.
Sawyer: Freckles, oooooh, (Sun: I wonder if Jin knows?) caught you in a lie,
But I will keep your secret if you just kiss me.

Hurley: I know the numbers on that map are evil, man.
Danielle: I'm uncouth! I'm uncouth!
And I killed my whole gang.
Sayid: Oh, look, electric lighting!
This woman is frightening me...
Sawyer: We can't stay.
Kate: No, we should stay.
Jin: No, we can't stay.
Locke: No, we should stay.
Michael: No, we can't stay.
Walt: No, we should stay - wait, better go...

Locke: I'm just an old guy. Nobody trusts me.
Everyone Else: He's just a man whose dad stole his kidney.
Sawyer: I shot a bear but they still yell at me.
Sayid: Crazy French lady, oh, will you let me go?
Pilot: The monster! No!
Felled Boar: I ran a bit too slow.
Jin: Let me go!
Kate: The monster!
Vincent: Where did that Walt kid go?
Charlie: Let her go!
Shannon: The monster!
Polar Bear: I ought to find some snow...
Claire: Let him go!
The Others: That kid's ours, you know.
Walt: Let me go!
Perplexed (But Enthusiastic) Viewers: What a crazy show!
The Island: They should go...
Enthusiastic (But Perplexed) Viewers: No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
Michael: Oh, there must be a -
Jin: There must be a -
Michael and Jin: - way to get off if we row.
Charlie: I'm in Drive Shaft, and You All Everybody was such a hit for me!

Marshal: So you think you're a hero and have a good eye?
So nice of you to shoot me and leave me to die!
Shannon: I'm lazy
And my step-brother's crazy.
Michael, Jin and Sawyer: Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here.

Michael, Jin and Sawyer: This raft's kind of tattered.
Hope it's sea-worthy.
Castaways: Our lives have been shattered.
Fulfilled Viewers: But you make us gladder
Each week...

Everyone: Hear the ocean wind blow...