The Ballad of Frank Lapidus (Pecos Bill, Eliot Daniel / Johnny Lange)

I was bummed out that Frank Lapidus was booted so ingloriously from the show, without so much as a sad word from Hurley afterward. I've always regarded Frank Lapidus as having a bit of a folk hero quality about him, so I couldn't resist memorializing him to the tune of that rollicking ode to Pecos Bill introduced to me by the Disney cowboy album Pardners.  (Post-finale note: Frank survived!  Yay!  But I figure a folk hero usually has wildly different accounts of his life, so I'll let this stand...)

The Ballad of Frank Lapidus

Well, Frank Lapidus was a pilot with a passion.
With precision, he prevented accidents.
He never crumbled in a panic when he flew for Oceanic,
Thanks to stellar skills and simple common sense.

So hip-hip-hooray, hooray! What a great guy-uy-uy.
Yeah, that Frank Lapidus really knew how to fly.
Hip-hip-hooray, hooray! What a great guy-uy-uy.
Yeah, that Frank Lapidus really knew how to fly.

Charlotte, Dan and Miles hopped in a helicopter,
And the chopper, it was piloted by Frank,
So in that bit of the Pacific, though the weather was horrific,
They all made it out, and he’s the one to thank.

So hip-hip-hooray, hooray! What a great guy-uy-uy.
Yeah, that Frank Lapidus really knew how to fly.
Hip-hip-hooray, hooray! What a great guy-uy-uy.
Yeah, that Frank Lapidus really knew how to fly.

Well, he flew Jack and his buddies off the Island -
And then three years later, flew them back again.
He shrewdly showed that he could steer a massive airplane from Ajira
To the landing strip that was engineered by Ben.

So hip-hip-hooray, hooray! What a great guy-uy-uy.
Yeah, that Frank Lapidus really knew how to fly.
I said, hip-hip-hooray, hooray! What a great guy-uy-uy.
Yeah, that Frank Lapidus really knew how to fly.

After hijacking a sub along with Sawyer,
Frank Lapidus heard a devastating boom.
It was a prelude to his dyin‘, but at least he went out flyin’
When the door sent him a-soarin’ ‘cross the room.

So hip-hip-hooray, hooray! What a great guy-uy-uy.
Yeah, that Frank Lapidus really knew how to fly.
I said, hip-hip-hooray, hooray! What a great guy-uy-uy.
Yeah, that Frank Lapidus really knew how to fly.

Pecos Bill

Jughead (Whispering Jesse, John Denver)

Richard: How do I know you weren't sent here on some suicide mission? That I'll take you out to the bomb, and you'll just detonate it?
Daniel: Because... I'm in love with the woman sitting next to me. And I would never... I would never do anything to hurt her.
- Jughead

After Ab Aeterno, that scene in Jughead in which Daniel's love for Charlotte wins Richard over seems even more meaningful. At the time, I took it as a mark in Richard's favor, that he's noble enough to recognize the value of true love, but it goes deeper than that. Like Daniel, he has loved deeply, so he empathizes, and I think he senses Daniel's sincerity. Daniel, who I have come to think of as "the little prince" referred to in the episode that followed and who never has seemed more authoritative than in this brief stay in 1954. Here's a recreation of their conversation to the tune of John Denver's Whispering Jesse.

Jughead

Richard: So you are the leader, and I hear from Ellie
You don’t want to tell me where your comrades have gone.
Daniel: And why would I do that? You just want to kill them.
Richard: We didn’t start this, friend. The battle lines have been drawn.
Your people came calling with evil intentions.
Did Ellie here mention that they fired first?
Daniel: We weren’t with those soldiers. We’re on a mission.
Let me disarm that bomb before it can burst.

I think the device is in need of new casing,
Which I am basing on these burns on this man.
If you send me over there, I know I can fix it.
Richard: I wish I could trust you; don’t know how I can.
I ought to fear you because you might be here to
Detonate Jughead and blow us away.
Daniel: I love this woman who’s sitting beside me.
I never would hurt her. Believe what I say.

Richard: Detonate Jughead?
You won’t, you’ve convinced me.
Your manner is princely.
You’re guided by love.

Whispering Jesse

The Crazy Man (Shilo, Neil Diamond)

Charlotte: When I was little, living here, there was this man... a crazy man, he really scared me. And he told me that I had to leave the island and never ever come back. He told me that if I came back I would die. Daniel: Charlotte, I don't understand.
Charlotte: Daniel – I think that man was you.
- This Place Is Death

Charlotte is one character on LOST who I've felt we didn't really get to know quite as well as I would've liked. But through Daniel, I've developed a pretty deep affection for her. Here's a reflection mostly by her in This Place Is Death, to the tune of Neil Diamond's Shilo.

The Crazy Man

Charlotte: Can’t Daddy come?
How can we leave him behind?
Sawyer: Hey, what’s with Red?
I think she’s out of her mind!

Juliet: Listen, Dan, our time’s running out now
And we’ve got to go.
Daniel: So you think I should leave her here since she’s slow?
No, no and no!

Charlotte: One long-ago July,
I met a crazy man.
He told me I would die
If I came back. Oh, Dan,
That was you.

Now I recall
That I have been here before.
Daniel, this was my home;
Lived here for three years or more.

Every time I tried to remember
This as a child,
Mum insisted my daydreams were running wild,
Just running wild.

One long-ago July,
I met a crazy man.
He told me I would die
If I came back. Oh, Dan,
Is it true?

Anthropology seemed like my ticket
To finding this place.
Now I’m seeing the warning etched in your face.
It’s in your face.

One long-ago July,
I met a crazy man.
He told me I would die
If I came back. Oh, Dan,
What to do?

Anthropology seemed like my ticket
To finding this place.
Now I’m seeing the warning etched in your face.
It’s in your face.

One long-ago July,
I met a crazy man.
He told me I would die
If I came back. Oh, Dan,
That was you.

Crazytown (The Orange and the Green, traditional)

"What about you? You wanna stay here in Crazytown or help me rescue the geek?" - Sawyer, Jughead

LOST's book-loving Sawyer is a natural-born storyteller. I had fun last year wriitng a parody in which he recounts his experience in LaFleur, and this is the same basic idea, but instead it's The Lie and Jughead, and it's addressed specifically to Juliet, to the tune of the Irish Rovers' version of The Orange and the Green. (Hat-tip to Amanda at GritFX, who partly inspired this one with one of her awesome designs.)

Crazytown

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

While we sat there on the shoreline,
Just regrouping with the rest,
We saw a flaming arrow
Hittin’ Frogurt in the chest.
Well, of course, we ran for cover;
I yelled, “Meet at the creek!”
And we got separated from
The redhead and the geek.

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

I guess it wasn’t quite so smart
To give away our mark.
Yeah, it would’ve worked out better
If we’d kept ‘em in the dark.
Well, thank goodness for the Colonel.
Yes, I bless his big bald head,
For if not for him and his huge knife,
We’d probably be dead.

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

We asked the hothead Others
About where they came from.
You busted out the Latin,
And I felt a little dumb.
But not as dumb as Rambo,
Who went to talk to Rick
While Dan was bein’ death marched.
Oh, it kinda made me sick.

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

You saw her with a rifle
Aimed right at Faraday
And offered, “Hey, why don’t we all
Just put our guns away?”
Your voice was calm and quiet,
But you still were firm enough
To rattle Miss Attila
And to prove to me you’re tough.

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

Well, just then we flashed through time again,
And she whizzed out of sight.
But Blondie, you’ve got chutzpah
And I guess that you’re all right.
I thought that back with Freckles,
My love life hit a peak,
But now I see you with new eyes
Since we rescued the geek.

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

Daniel's Warning (Coulter's Candy, Traditional)

In LOST, Daniel Faraday's life is just one tragedy after another. I imagine that his mother hoped that he would be able to go back and negate his death by her own hand. Meanwhile, Daniel's chief preoccupation was Charlotte, future love of his life, now just a little girl sneaking in a little chocolate before dinner. Here's a song from their tender scene together in The Variable, to the tune of the Irish Rovers' Coulter's Candy. (In the recording, the actual song starts just after the one-and-a-half-minute mark.)

Daniel’s Warning

Daniel: Little Charlotte,
Sweet red-headed tot,
I gave this a lot of thought.
Heed my warning; leave this spot,
But first, enjoy your candy.

Pledged my love in ‘54.
I couldn’t hide it anymore.
I have to alter the fate that’s in store
While you enjoy your candy.

Little Charlotte,
Sweet red-headed tot,
I gave this a lot of thought.
Heed my warning; leave this spot,
But first, enjoy your candy.

Charlotte: Listen, sir, your sorrow scares me so.
You look like a friendly fellow, though.
Don’t be so sad. Don’t let Daddy know
That I have been eating candy.

Daniel: Little Charlotte,
Sweet red-headed tot,
I gave this a lot of thought.
Heed my warning; leave this spot,
But first, enjoy your candy.

Darling girl, I’m overcome with fear.
Go with your mom and get out of here.
Escape this Island. Don’t come back, my dear,
But by all means, enjoy your candy.

Little Charlotte,
Sweet red-headed tot,
I gave this a lot of thought.
Heed my warning; leave this spot,
But first, enjoy your candy.

I Can Make Time (Time in a Bottle, Jim Croce)

When I realized that the fifth season of LOST was going to be both very concerned with the notion of time and rooted in the seventies, I found myself really hoping that the show would incorporate Jim Croce's Time in a Bottle at some point, especially in a scene focusing on Daniel Faraday. With only one episode to go in the season, that seems unlikely now, so I figured I'd have to match Dan and Croce up myself. This reflection has him confiding in Charlotte at an unspecified point in time prior to the events of the fifth season.

I Can Make Time

"But I can make time," I told Mother,
"For passions I long to pursue.
There's no need for dismay. I'm convinced I can conjure a way
To indulge me and you."

I wished I could play my piano.
I yearned for romance sometimes too.
But it doesn't pay to be Dan Faraday.
My gray matter's coming unglued.

When you smile at me, I want to find time
For music and a woman who'll treat me kindly.
I've lived in isolation, though, forgetting dreams of long ago.
Remind me.

My mind has been addled by physics,
Experiments' damage accrued.
My spirit endures, and while I'm in the presence of yours,
All my hopes are renewed.

When you smile at me, I want to find time
For music and a woman who'll treat me kindly.
I've lived in isolation, though, forgetting dreams of long ago.
Remind me.

Yesterdayland (Yesterday's Men, Phil Coulter)

I've heard very mixed reactions to LaFleur, but I thought it was a wonderful episode that brought us up to speed with Camp Sawyer and gave him his first centric episode since the disturbing Every Man for Himself way back in the beginning of season three. Things were pretty crummy for him then, so it was nice to see him actually fairly serene and settled in his DHARMA life here. Sawyer's one of my favorite characters to write about because he's just so fun, and he has some pretty distinct traits that make it easier to try slipping into his head for a while. Here's what amounts to a recap of LaFleur, ballad-style, to the tune of Yesterday's Men, a seething reflection on sudden job loss sung by George Donaldson of Celtic Thunder. The growly tone fits Sawyer well, but instead of feeling cast aside, Sawyer is at last starting to find a respectable place in the world.

Yesterdayland

Well, the scene wasn't pretty when Red up and died,
Though she vanished before we came 'round.
We found poor Mr. Wizard lookin' frazzled and fried
As he mumbled and gazed at the ground.
Now our leader was lost and our course was unclear.
There was nothin' to do but go find out the year.

Good day to the nosebleeds, confusion and headaches.
Aloha to Locke, and with luck, he won't flake.
Since the time-skipping stopped when he slammed on the brake,
We're livin' in Yesterdayland.
Namaste! We're livin' in Yesterdayland.

So to give us our bearings, we made for the shore
Till we noticed a gal in distress.
Then we thwarted her murder by killing once more -
As if we all needed more stress!
While we walked to her village, I thought she seemed tense.
Then she thanked us by knockin' us out with her fence.

Good day to the nosebleeds, confusion and headaches.
Aloha to Locke, and with luck, he won't flake.
Since the time-skipping stopped when he slammed on the brake,
We're livin' in Yesterdayland.
Namaste! We're livin' in Yesterdayland.

Well, I hobnobbed with Horace, the head DHARMA geek,
Who I fed an elaborate lie,
And I bought his respect and a couple of weeks
By appeasing that Eyeliner Guy.
Till Baldie comes bargin' back in with his knife,
I imagine that I could get used to this life.

Good day to the nosebleeds, confusion and headaches.
Aloha to Locke, and with luck, he won't flake.
Since the time-skipping stopped when he slammed on the brake,
We're livin' in Yesterdayland.
Namaste! We're livin' in Yesterdayland.

Now we're firmly entrenched, and my friends call me Jim.
We're as happy as hippies can be.
Bruce Lee is a nuisance, but I put up with him,
And the boss is dependent on me.
Now Chewie is chatty and Juliet's mine.
I'm thinkin' the Seventies suit us just fine.

Good day to the nosebleeds, confusion and headaches.
Aloha to Locke, and with luck, he won't flake.
Since the time-skipping stopped when he slammed on the brake,
We're livin' in Yesterdayland.
Namaste! We're livin' in Yesterdayland. (repeat)