I've Got No Faith (I've Got No Strings, Leigh Harline / Ned Washington)

Jack: Don't. It's not real. Look, you want to push the button, you do it yourself.
Locke: If it's not real, then what are you doing here, Jack? Why did you come back? - Orientation

Here's a song involving John and Jack's argument down in the hatch at the end of Orientation, to the tune of Pinocchio's I've Got No Strings.  Jack finally gives in, but real faith doesn't come until much later... 


I’ve Got No Faith

Jack: I’ve got no faith in destiny.
I only trust what I can see.
You have faith, but luckily,
There is no faith in me.
   
Desmond was clearly cracked.
Nothing’s gonna happen, John.
This hatch would stay intact
Even if we all were gone.

John: You’ve got no faith?  Then tell me, Jack,
Why did you bother coming back?
Trust the film.  This job’s for two.
I know there’s faith in you.

Sayid: He has no faith, so let him be.
This argument is boring me.
Step aside, and I will do
What Jack refuses to.

Kate: You have no faith.  I’m with you there.
But this is giving me a scare.
Just in case the tape is true,
I’d push if I were you.

Jack: John, you’re a silly sheep.
Desmond didn’t have a clue.
John: Why won’t you take the leap? 
I believe, but I need you.

Alarm: BEEP! BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Jack: (pushes button) There’s still no faith in me!

Any Team Will Do (Any Dream Will Do, Andrew Lloyd Webber / Tim Rice)

As LOST draws to a close, I've been noticing a lot of fans identifying themselves as Team Jacob or Team Smokey, or to a lesser extent simply Team Whatever-Their-Favorite-Character-Is.  Here's a little ditty about that, to the tune of Any Dream Will Do from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.  (For the record, I'm Team Jacob, or if we're talking more generally, Team Hurley.)

Any Team Will Do

Just close your eyes
And pick a winner:
A saint, a sinner,
Someone old or new.
Prepare to say
Who you’re defending
As we near the ending.
Any Team will do.

Will you promote (Will you promote)
The man in black clothes?  (Ah...)
Do you think Jack knows (Ah...)
How to see things through?
Is Sawyer tops (Is Sawyer tops)
Although he’s surly? (Ah...)
Do you honk for Hurley? (Ah...)
Any Team will do.

Well, one side’s dark
And one is light,
And we’ve been dragged
Into the fight.
So demonstrate with shirts and buttons
Whose Team you are on.

Though Jacob’s dead, (Though Jacob’s dead,)
Is he the ruler? (Ah...)
Is Richard cooler (Ah...)
Than the chosen few?
Are you for Ben (Are you for Ben)
Or Aaron’s mother? (Ah...)
Is Des your brother? (Ah...)
Any Team will do.

Any Team, any Team will...
Any Team, any Team will do.
Any Team, any Team will...
Any Team, any Team will do.

Man's Best Friend (Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend, Jule Styne, Leo Robin)

Throughout much of the first season, there seemed to be a spark of possible romance between Sun and Michael, and Jin seemed like such a jerk at the time that many wanted this sweet relationship with a down-on-his-luck guy to develop in that direction. But by the time the mobisode Buried Secrets came out, we'd been through three seasons with these characters, and while I felt sorry for Michael, I laughed with relief when Vincent came bounding in to stop him and Sun from kissing and bringing further complications to one of the most intense couples on the show. Here, I address Mobisode Sun to the tune of Marilyn Monroe's Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend.

Man’s Best Friend

You say your husband’s lost your love,
So you might do something stupid.
Though Michael may be kind indeed,
Don’t heed the call of Cupid.

A kiss on the lips would be quite devastating.
Yes, you’ve been saved by Man’s Best Friend!
A kiss would eclipse all Jin’s reasons for hating
Rugged Island life. Oh, it would cut him like a knife.
Sun, you know that he can throw
Such a tantrum when at his wits’ end.
Just think of the bother
If you smooched Walt’s father!
You’ve been saved by Man’s Best Friend.

Loneliness. Bitterness.
Those are your feelings.
Michael’s so sympathetic
That he’s got you reeling.

The pooch came in time
To prevent a disaster.
Yes, you’ve been saved by Man’s Best Friend.
The pooch came in time
To deliver his master
From your husband’s ire
And from the fire of your desire.

You and Jin
Could start again.
Yes, your marriage could be on the mend.
This one indiscretion
Could fuel a regression.
You’ve been saved by Man’s Best Friend.

You had an affair,
And you don’t need another.
Yes, you’ve been saved by Man’s Best Friend.
You’ll rue the affair
When you learn you’re a mother
And be so glad
That Jin’s the dad your baby had.

Vincent’s bark
Has doused the spark.
An inferno was just ‘round the bend.
You feel some regret now,
But you’re in his debt now.

Vincent. Vincent.
He’s kept you inn’cent.
Yes, you’ve been saved by Man’s Best, Best Friend.

You're the Best (Be Our Guest, Alan Menken / Howard Ashman)

"You're the best, Dr. Linus!"
- Alex, Dr. Linus

The relationship between Ben and his adopted daughter Alex has been full of angst and complications, but in season six, we got to see the two of them relating to each other with much greater ease and warmth. Here's a celebration of Sideways Ben and Alex, to the tune of Be Our Guest, from Beauty and the Beast.

You’re the Best

Alex: You’re the best, you’re the best.
Dr. Linus, you’re the best.
Without you, what would I do?
I’d have no clue! I’d flunk the test!
Though you say I’ll be fine,
My whole future’s on the line.
I don’t trust my comprehension.
When I heard you had detention,
I was bummed. I was scared
I would never be prepared.
But you’ve rescued me, and boy, am I impressed!
Though Reynolds may ignore you,
I’m so thankful for you.
You’re the best, you’re the best, you’re the best.

Ben: I was down and distressed.
Bless this unexpected guest!
Teens like her make teaching worth it,
Despite aspects I detest:
Reynolds’ rude attitude,
Students’ base ingratitude.
Let’s dispense with all this whining
And get back to our fine dining.
Look, my life’s not so bad,
So let’s keep our chins up, Dad.
Don’t feel guilty; just enjoy your turkey breast.
I’ve done a few things right.
She helped me see the light
‘Cause she’s the best.
I feel blessed
To acknowledge her request.
She’s the best, she’s the best, she’s the best.

Who‘s to say that leaving
Is a choice we should be grieving?
If we’d stayed, we might have made a big mistake.
Even though I left my truest friend there,
I’ve become a mentor for her sake.
These students... They need me,
And when we came back, you freed me
To deny myself and seek the greater good.
Turns out I’m a teacher, not a doctor.
Dad, who was I fooling,
Getting all that extra schooling?

[Next Day]
Alex: I am stressed, I am stressed,
‘Cause if I don’t pass this test,
Then I’ll fail to go to Yale.
I will be stuck here in the west.
Gotta work up the nerve
To go ask Reynolds the perv
For a nice recommendation -

Ben: Wait, did he abuse his station?
I’ve been wanting a change.
Would it really be so strange
If I used this little tidbit to protest?
I‘d love to stage a coup,
But I will not hurt you,
So I’ll stay dressed in this vest
And arrest this whole quest.

[Later]
Alex: You’re the best, you’re the best,
And though you have not confessed,
Reynold’s letter was much better
Than I ever would have guessed,
So I think what occurred
Is you put in a good word.
Yes, if my appeal advances,
It’s because you helped my chances.
Off to college I’ll go
With the knowledge you bestow,
And if anybody asks, I will attest
That if you want the finest,
Go with Dr. Linus;
He’s the best.
You’re the best, you’re the best.
Yes, you’re the best!

Not As Others (Colors of the Wind, Stephen Schwartz / Alan Menken)

"This is not your island. This is our island. And the only reason you're living on it is because we let you live on it." - Tom, The Hunting Party

LOST first introduced the "Others" early in season one, via the crazed Danielle, who was herself an other to the castaways. Our first impression of them was pretty damaging; Ethan went haywire, abducting Claire, nearly murdering Charlie and setting out to pick off the rest of the beach folks one by one until he got what he wanted. Our second, when Tom and his cronies kidnapped Walt, wasn't much better. But when he turned up again in the jungle and got to give his side of the story, the Others became a little easier to sympathize with. Here's a little reflection by Tom to the tune of Stephen Schwartz and Alan Menken's Colors of the Wind.

Not as Others

You came here to me on a mission,
But in case you haven’t noticed, I have the upper hand.
So Jack, just cool your tools,
‘Cause you don’t make all the rules.
Please listen, and perhaps you’ll understand.
Understand...

You thought you were alone upon this Island,
And at the start, you only sought to leave.
But then you came to see its finer features,
And you got kinda cocky, I believe.
You figured you could bend it to your purpose,
And when Ethan showed up, what did you do?
You turned yourself into a vigilante,
And right now you wanna raise an army too.

Have you ever thought that maybe someone brought you here?
I won’t pretend I know what he intends,
But I’m pretty sure you’re stuck with us until you
Start to see us not as Others but as friends,
Start to see us not as Others but as friends.

All right, till now we haven’t seemed too friendly,
But we have reasons you could never guess,
And maybe if you’d show a little trust, Jack,
I just might be persuaded to confess.
I’m really not that big on keeping secrets.
I’m really not that big on toting guns.
It’s time that we let go of “Us and Them” now.
When it comes down to it, we’re all chosen ones.

How long will the cycle go on?
Won’t you make it stop, with some help from John?

Won’t you think about the fact that someone brought you here?
Are better times ahead? Well, that depends,
Because I’m pretty sure you’re stuck with us until you
Start to see us not as Others but as friends.

All the world is shades of gray,
So acknowledge what I say.
Start to see us not as Others but as friends!

Fish Biscuit (Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Jerry Bock / Sheldon Harnick)

"Hey, you got yourself a fish biscuit!" - Tom, A Tale of Two Cities

When it comes to fictional food, LOST has done just about as well as Harry Potter in whetting my appetite. I'm especially taken with Apollo bars, which always seem to turn up at times when one person is showing great kindness to another, and fish biscuits, which probably aren't all that tasty but certainly must be appreciated when they're the only thing on the menu. Here's an ode to them, set in early season three, to the tune of Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick's Matchmaker, Matchmaker, from Fiddler on the Roof.

Fish Biscuit

Karl: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
You’re all I’ve had
For a long time. You’re not so bad,
Fish biscuit, fish biscuit.
Yet I would bet
That when you’re gone, I’ll be glad.

Kate: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
Shaped like a fish,
Tastes like a caged bear’s fondest wish.
Getting so hungry I’m weak in the knees
So pass me a biscuit, please.

Sawyer: Oh, Freckles tastes like strawberries,
A nice way to approach my own death.
But she had better be wary,
‘Cause I bet that I have fish biscuit breath!

Karl: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
You’re all I’ve had
For a long time. You’re not so bad.
Still, on the list of things I’d want to eat,
A fish biscuit is not a treat.

(spoken)
Karl: Hey. Hey, how long would it take to get to your camp?
Sawyer: What, you talking to me now, Chachi?
Karl: From where they got you, how long a walk was it? A day, two days? And what are the people like from your plane?
Sawyer: Oh, they're just awesome. Last one of you boys came for a visit got tortured by our Iraqi. He tortured me, too...
[Karl escapes his cage and tries to spring Sawyer]
Sawyer: Hey, how'd you get out of there?

(sung)
Karl: Sawyer, hey Sawyer, come on! Run away with me!
I’ve waited, I’ve planned, and now I get to flee
Because you’ll take me to your friends, right? Right!
No doubt they have their vices, but hey, they sure beat Ben,
My girlfriend’s crummy dad -
Shoot, caught again!

Tom: Hey, Ford, you rascal, well, aren’t you the clever guy?
You worked out the trick! I knew that if you’d try
You’d get yourself a fish biscuit, son.
One small thing I ought to tell you.
The bears were lots of fun.
In just a couple hours,
They got it done.

Sawyer: So you sayin’ I’m a dunce?
Tom: Now, just take it easy there.
It’s apparent to me that you’re perfectly smart and tenacious -
For a bear!

Sawyer: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
Guess now I know
How hobbits feel, lembas in tow.
Since I am starvin’ these things do the trick,
But boy, am I gettin’ sick
Of biscuits, crunchy and fishy.
I won’t miss them at all when we leave,
And at the beach, I won’t wish we
Had stuck a few up our sleeves.

Kate: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
I can’t complain. Glad I’m alive.
Still, I do feel
Fish biscuits really aren’t much of a meal.
So I’m in no doubt.
We will bust out.
Can’t wait to eat any old dish
That isn’t shaped like a fish!

Eloise (Edelweiss, Richard Rodgers / Oscar Hammerstein)

"This man walked into camp and put a gun to my head, and Eloise... reacted."
 - Richard, Follow the Leader

One of the moments on LOST that has stuck with me the most is the death of Daniel Faraday. I've written about it from two different perspectives. Here's a third, the sage Richard's, which is later echoed by Jack, to the tune of Rodgers and Hammerstein's Edelweiss, from The Sound of Music.

Eloise

Richard: Eloise, Eloise.
Must you be such a hothead?
Look at me. Do you see
Who it was that you shot dead?
That was your son, so what you have done
Brings no satisfaction.
Eloise, Eloise.
What a fatal reaction!

Richard: Eloise,
Jack: Eloise,
Richard: Eloise.
Jack: Eloise.
Richard and Jack: Must you be such a hothead?
Richard: Look at me.
Jack: Look at me.
Richard: Do you see
Jack: Do you see
Richard and Jack: Who it was that you shot dead?
Jack: That was your son, so what you have done
Brings no satisfaction.
Eloise, Eloise.
What a fatal reaction!

John Locke (Gaston, Alan Menken / Howard Ashman)

The first LOST filksong I ever wrote involves many of the characters discussing their backstories and Island experiences. The second has John bragging about how great he is. So I thought, for my 100th LOST song, it would be fitting to do a song in which a whole bunch of characters sing about how great John was. About 20 characters (many of them long dead) get in on the action here, to the tune of Alan Menken and Howard Ashman's Gaston, from Beauty and the Beast. Cheers!

John Locke

Ben: How it confused me to see you, John Locke,
Looking so lost and depressed.
Everything was “destiny” to John Locke,
Sure to work out for the best.
I always had failed to unnerve you before;
I now wonder why I would try.
Oddly, I long to preserve you now, for
To impress me, John, you had to die.

Smokey: No one’s been, like John Locke,
Made a twin like John Locke.
Kate: No one’s pulled off an orange-peel grin like John Locke.
Desmond: Oh, his skills with a blade were just scary.
Hurley: Dude, he undid my canteen!
Sun: Though I know his head wasn’t too hairy,
‘Twas the shiniest specimen I’ve ever seen.

Smokey: No one’s used like John Locke
And abused like John Locke.
Jack: No one “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”s like John Locke.
Smokey: No one else is as primed for manipulation.
I miss that guy, that John Locke.

Ben: A man of faith,
Of firm belief.
Richard: John Locke truly sought,
And I thought he’d be a chief.

Boone: No one’s charred as John Locke,
Had it hard as John Locke.
Shannon: No one’s face is as eerily scarred as John Locke.
Sayid: Yes, he went through a number of tussles.
Christian: He got shot and he shattered his leg.
Rose: But he had such miraculous muscles.
Sawyer: Darn right!
If brawn were a brew, then he drank a whole keg.

Jin: No one knots like John Locke,
Claire: Swaddles cloths like John Locke.
Charlie: No one makes metaphors about moths like John Locke.
Claire: No one else is as crafty at crib creation.
I owe a lot to John Locke.

Eko: No other man could have seemed quite so sincere
When he quietly said, “I was wrong.”
Walt: He always respected me when I was here.
All: Oh, it’s clear he’s earned this little song.

Jacob: I attest that John Locke
Was my guest, and John Locke
Never needed to doubt he was blessed as John Locke.
I agree his life merits a celebration.

All: I miss that guy, John Locke!

My Beacon on the Water (Candle on the Water, Al Kasha / Joel Hirschhorn)

"I'm here because I need you." - Jacob, Lighthouse

As soon as I heard that the name of this week's LOST episode was Lighthouse, I immediately thought of Pete's Dragon's Candle on the Water, one of my all-time favorite Disney songs. Once I saw it, I found the song every bit as applicable as I'd suspected. Here's a little reflection from the perspective of Jacob, talking to Hurley.

My Beacon on the Water

Come to my beacon on the water.
Tell Jack that he has what it takes.
I know that he will learn because of this small journey.
What a difference some perspective makes!

Come to my beacon on the water.
Travel together like old days.
Say you’re a Candidate. When you cross paths with Katie,
Leave her to the trail that she must blaze.

My ways are always enigmatic,
But you are wiser than you’ve ever guessed,
And once you’ve seen my secret attic
High above the sand,
You will understand.

Come to my beacon on the water.
Sometimes a taxi talk for two
Is all the drive that’s needed; my advice is heeded.
Sometimes it takes an ocean view
To work out what to do.
I’m counting on you, Hugo.
Glad I can count on you.
Glad I can count on you…

Well, I Certainly Hope You Help Him (Heaven on Their Minds, Andrew Lloyd Webber / Tim Rice)

"Well, I certainly hope he helps you, John!"
- Ben, The Man Behind the Curtain

LOST has been inviting plenty of comparisons between Ben Linus and Judas Iscariot, so I suppose it was only a matter of time before I busted out the weathered copy of 1973's Jesus Christ Superstar. Here's a rant from Ben on what was probably the most miserable birthday of his life - and that's really saying something - to the tune of Heaven on Their Minds.

Well, I Certainly Hope You Help Him

He heard you clearly there.
“Help me,”
You implored
As I stared
At that old
Rocking chair.
I’m the leader here,
But I
Didn’t hear
As I stared
At that old
Rocking chair.

Jacob!
You wanna fire me?
Come tell me so yourself,
And not by sending things
Cascading from the shelf!

For one time in your life,
Why can’t you just be frank?
After all I’ve done for you,
Here’s how you say thanks?

Listen, Jacob,
Who needs him anyway?
Way to drop this bomb on my own birthday!
Way to tell me
My years of servitude were a waste.
You know, I have questions too,
But I would not barge in on you.
I don’t get why you’d reward his haste.

I remember when I first saw your face -
Wait, no, I don’t, since that never took place!
You appoint me
But never let me look you in the eye.
I always believed that you exist
Though you’re as murky as the mist.
I had faith in you, and now I fry.

Did you see his hissy fit?
Let me clue you in a bit.
Threw a tantrum like a tot.
Who would’ve thought?
Can you tell that makes me mad?
Bet he didn’t kill his dad.
Bet he fobbed it off on James.
Him and his games!

Listen, Jacob, is it too much to hope
That you’ll stop treating me like a dope?
I have lived for you,
But I have no idea who you are!
Say a word or two to me.
Just show me that one courtesy.
I’ve been patient and sincere so far.
Oh, but just so far!

Listen, Jacob, you know I’m on your team.
I’m exhausted, though, and just want to scream.
Can you blame me if I want to see to it his life goes dim?
Though he’s still consumed by doubt,
You ask him to help you out.
Well, I certainly hope you help him.
Yes, I hope you help him.
Oh… Oh…

Listen, Jacob, you know I’m on your team.
All your secrecy with me makes me scream.
So come on, come on… you won’t listen to me now.
Ah… Ah…
Come on, listen, listen to me.
Come on, listen to me now.
Ah…
Come on, listen to me.
Listen, listen to me.
Oh… Oh…
Come on, listen to me. Listen to me...

Just Because He's John (Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, Richard & Robert Sherman)

As of the season five finale of LOST, Ben Linus appears to be a very broken man. While I hated Ben's ultimate actions in his last scene of The Incident, his frustration seems understandable. Here's his little rant to Jacob to the tune of the Sherman Brothers' Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Just Because He’s John

So, just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses.
Following you hasn’t really been a bed of roses.
What about me, Jacob? Can’t you see why I oppose this?
Just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses!

I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.
I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.
I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.
I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.

I longed to be your lackey when I was a lonely lad.
My final test of loyalty was killing my own dad.
I shivered as he shuddered and the blood poured out his nose,
But, sure that you would love me more, said, “That’s the way it goes.”

But just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses.
Following you hasn’t really been a bed of roses.
What about me, Jacob? Can’t you see why I oppose this?
Just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses!

I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.
I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.
I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.
I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.

Those lists and the instructions Richard handed down to me...
I did what I was told to and I waited patiently.
Though John was in a wheelchair, he came here, and he was fine;
My service was rewarded with a tumor on my spine.

For just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses.
Following you hasn’t really been a bed of roses.
What about me, Jacob? Can’t you see why I oppose this?
Just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses!

I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.
I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.

[Spoken] Jacob: Benjamin... whatever he's told you, I want you to understand one thing. You have a choice.
Ben: What “choice”?

For more than 30 years, I went along with all your plans.
You banished me and left my daughter’s murder on my hands.
It’s clear now that you’ve never cared for me in all my life.

[Spoken] Well, here goes, then.

You couldn’t just apologize, so now you get the knife!

[Spoken] I would fight back if I were you...

Oh, just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses!
Just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses!
Just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses!
Just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses!

In the D. I. (Under the Sea, Alan Menken / Howard Ashman)

Ben Linus comes by his grousing honestly; his father Roger did a lot of complaining back in DHARMA days. Here's a song to the tune of Alan Menken and Howard Ashman's Under the Sea set during season three's The Man Behind the Curtain. Here, Horace, the hippie-ish DHARMA Initiative honcho (and one of my favorite minor characters) tries to convince a surly Roger to stick around.

In the D. I.

I get it. You’ve got the jitters
Because of today’s attack.
You’re lonely, depressed and bitter;
You’re thinking of going back.
Remember the day I met you?
Well, you were a mess back then.
Be glad I did not forget you.
I care about you and Ben.

In the D. I., in the D. I.
Though you may scoff here,
You’re better off here.
I’ll tell you why.
Even a Work Man has his place
Helping to heal the human race.
This job’s a gift, since
You’ll make a diff’rence
In the D. I.

The natives are acting funny,
But we’ll keep them all in line.
We’re not in this thing for money,
So don’t let me hear you whine.
You left nothing back in Portland
But unpleasant memories.
I’m here if you need support, man,
But spare me the snarling, please.

In the D. I., in the D. I.
Nice, cozy housing.
Beer for carousing.
Tasty fish fries.
All the Apollos you can eat.
Luaus Hawaii couldn’t beat!
Welcoming neighbors.
Purposeful labor
In the D. I.
In the D. I.
Quality schooling.
Ben is no fool;
In fact, he’s just shy.
I knew he’d find himself a pal;
Annie’s a kind and clever gal.
Don’t separate them.
Wonders await them
In the D. I.

The air is so rare
And clear over here.
It‘s green and pristine,
A thrilling frontier.
We smile on this isle,
And life’s free from strife;
It’s calm almost all the time, man.
We say “Namaste”
And croon DHARMA tunes.
We dance and romance
On warm afternoons.
There’s peace and release
And fun in the sun.
The climate is sublime!

In the D. I., in the D. I.
Here where we stack
Geronimo Jackson
Albums sky-high.
Why would you ever want to leave?
We have utopia up our sleeves.
Hanso’s a genius!
Minimize meanness
In the D. I.
Half-hidden hatches.
Debonair patches
In the D. I.
Stop getting hammered.
Many have clamored
For a position
In our great mission.
You should be thanking
Me for your ranking
In the D. I.