Lookin' Like Locke (Crocodile Rock, Elton John / Bernie Taupin)

"John Locke was not a believer, Jack. He was a sucker." - Smokey, The Last Recruit

Here's another song directly addressing Smokey, this time to the tune of Elton John's Crocodile Rock.

Lookin’ Like Locke

I remember when LOST was young.
Your appearances were far-flung.
First you pulverized poor Seth.
Then you slaughtered Eko, and we all held our breath.
Every season’s brought another shock.
Your latest caper is lookin’ like Locke,
Stakin’ claims when you’re allowed the chance to talk.
You’re a demon who’s schemin’, but you’re lookin’ like Locke.

You’re Locke-lookin’
With malice cookin’
In your vile, amorphous brain.
You know, identity theft’s a crime
And your villainy is plain.
Watch out for karma!
It’s gonna bite.
The Candidates will set things right.
Locke-lookin’, but you won’t win the fight.

Nyah nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!

In the Island‘s Eye, what did John Locke spy?
Somebody who wanted to make sure he’d die.
He saw beauty in a frightening scene.
You call him a sucker, and that’s awfully mean,
But it’s accurate because your plot
Led at last to you lookin’ like Locke.
You’re harassed by your murky past
But really think that lookin’ like Locke’s a blast.

You’re Locke-lookin’
With malice cookin’
In your vile, amorphous brain.
You know, identity theft’s a crime
And your villainy is plain.
Watch out for karma!
It’s gonna bite.
The Candidates will set things right.
Locke-lookin’, but you won’t win the fight.

Nyah nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!

I remember when LOST was young.
Your appearances were far-flung.
First you pulverized poor Seth.
Then you slaughtered Eko, and we all held our breath.
Every season’s brought another shock.
Your latest caper is lookin’ like Locke,
Stakin’ claims when you’re allowed the chance to talk.
You’re a demon who’s schemin’, but you’re lookin’ like Locke.

You’re Locke-lookin’
With malice cookin’
In your vile, amorphous brain.
You know, identity theft’s a crime
And your villainy is plain.
Watch out for karma!
It’s gonna bite.
The Candidates will set things right.
Locke-lookin’, but you won’t win the fight.

Nyah nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nyah nah nah nah nyah...

(fadeout)

That Dynamite (Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting, Elton John / Bernie Taupin)

"Um... I don't know if that's a good idea. I mean, for one thing, that stuff's really unstable..." - Hurley, Everybody Loves Hugo

Hurley has seen first-hand the danger of unstable dynamite. Here he issues a warning to Ilana, to the tune of Elton John's Saturday Night's All Right for Fighting.

That Dynamite

So Richard said that we’d all be dead
Unless he could destroy the plane.
I think he’s in shock, and I wanna talk,
‘Cause it’s hard to see what we would gain.
Those sticks you’re loading have a good chance of exploding
Long before we intend them to.
Our luck will decrease if you’re not in one piece -
And cease altogether for you.

Well, don’t wanna be like a broken record.
I gotta give a warning, though.
That dynamite is mighty flighty.
Any second it could blow.
Maybe if you’d got a little Arzt on you,
Then you would admit I’m right,
‘Cause that dynamite’s a fright’ning sight.
Bump it and it’s goodnight, goodnight, goodnight.
Trust me, it’s true.

I can see that you’re back, and in your pack
You’ve gathered what we need for this attack.
But you do it and our mode of transportation’s gone,
And we’re stuck here on this Island still with phony John.
Ilana, think it over before we leave.
Don’t you have something less destructive up your sleeve?
Are you looking for trouble? Well, you found it. Yes,
You use that stuff, it’ll only make a mess.

Well, don’t wanna be like a broken record.
I gotta give a warning, though.
That dynamite is mighty flighty.
Any second it could blow.
Maybe if you’d got a little Arzt on you,
Then you would admit I’m right,
‘Cause that dynamite’s a fright’ning sight.
Bump it and it’s goodnight, goodnight, goodnight.
Trust me, it’s true.

No, don’t wanna be like a broken record.
I gotta give a warning, though,
‘Cause that dynamite is mighty flighty.
Any second it could blow.
Maybe if you’d got a little Arzt on you,
Then you would admit I’m right,
‘Cause that dynamite’s a fright’ning sight.
Bump it and it’s goodnight, goodnight, goodnight.
Trust me, it’s true.

Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Say goodnight!

Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Say goodnight!

Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Say goodnight!

Walkie Man (Rocket Man, Elton John / Bernie Taupin)

Here's a mid-season two rumination by that trusty Other, Tom, to the tune of Rocket Man. I don't think he ever was too keen on hurting anybody, but he sure was a loyal sidekick...

Walkie Man

Some say I'm not too bright. All right,
I'm no genius next to Ben,
But I'm glad I'm the guy he can trust again.
There's back-and-forth so much; there's so much strife.
So many in this place
Are quick to fuss and fight.

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
Before I start to figure out the rhyme
And reason that's behind the things Ben does.
That's fine because
I'm the walkie man.
Walkie man,
Giving Ben the news in undertones. (repeat)

When I disguised my face and snatched that kid,
I played the part so well,
They don't know I care. They hate me. What I did
Is something even I don't understand;
I only listen when Ben speaks.
The walkie man, the walkie man.

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
Before I start to figure out the rhyme
And reason that's behind the things Ben does.
That's fine because
I'm the walkie man.
Walkie man,
Giving Ben the news in undertones... (repeat)

And I think it's gonna be a long, long, time... (fade out)

Goodbye Mr. Clean (Candle in the Wind, Elton John / Bernie Taupin)

I've been thinking a lot about The Brig, the most recent episode of LOST. I don't know if I'm happy with how it played out or not. I guess it's a sort of grim satisfaction; I don't condone revenge, but Anthony Cooper ruined Locke and Sawyer's lives, not to mention many others, and it certainly doesn't seem safe to let him go roaming around the island. It was an intense episode as two of my favorite characters struggled to face their demons. The ending seemed inevitable but not anything to celebrate.

This parody, to the tune of Candle in the Wind, is sort of a sequel to my first Sawyer soliloquy, which had him griping at Locke (who I call Mr. Clean again, even though he only used that name once; I just get such a kick out of it...). Now, Locke has managed to help him cast off the shackles of yesterday, though it was as much for Locke's benefit as Sawyer's, and it meant getting more blood on Sawyer's hands. He was so traumatized by the misery of killing an innocent man that he can no longer get any real pleasure from killing his intended target. On some level, I think he's grateful to Locke because he doesn't have this hanging over his head anymore; on the other hand, he feels used, and he's discovered he's really not cut out to be a killer.

I've always compared Sawyer to Inigo Montoya, and pop cultural dynamo that he is, I wouldn't be at all surprised if the comparison occurred to him too. Sawyer's dedicated decades to hunting down the man who destroyed his life. I love Inigo, but I can't help but wonder what happens to him after his revenge is accomplished. So much of his life was focused on that goal, will he know what to do with himself now that it's out of the way? Same with Sawyer. Is his life just about payback, or can he finally move on now and start fresh?

Goodbye Mr. Clean

Goodbye Mr. Clean.
Guess you're not so great after all.
You couldn't face that troll yourself.
You made me take the fall.
Don't think because you couldn't
Lay a finger on your old man,
That somehow makes you better.
You just used me for your plan.

And it seems to me you love to lie
Like your bug-eyed buddy Ben,
Trickin' me into this thing to
Feel secure again.
Well, your deadbeat dad disowned you,
And since I was a kid,
I dreamed of settling the score,
But I hate what I did.

Is his death enough,
Enough to make the nightmares fade?
What if he was right about where we are?
Was this a mistake we made?
It's your fault that he died.
He deserved it, yeah, that's true,
But my pain won't go away.
I have more blood on my hands thanks to you.

And it seems to me you love to lie
Like your bug-eyed buddy Ben,
Trickin' me into this thing to
Feel secure again.
Well, your deadbeat dad disowned you,
And since I was a kid,
I dreamed of settling the score,
But I hate what I did.

Goodbye Mr. Clean.
Guess you're not so great after all.
You couldn't face that troll yourself.
You made me take the fall.
Goodbye Mr. Clean,
From the man who lost his parents long ago,
Who needed some closure but wants to be more
Than a vengeance-driven Inigo.

And it seems to me you love to lie
Like your bug-eyed buddy Ben,
Trickin' me into this thing to
Feel secure again.
Well, your deadbeat dad disowned you,
And since I was a kid,
I dreamed of settling the score,
But I hate what I did.

I dreamed of settling the score,
But I hate what I did.

Candle in the Wind

Goodbye Maddening Code (Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, Elton John / Bernie Taupin)

Desmond is my favorite character of LOST's third season. I love the guy. I just wish he hadn't killed Kelvin - and by extension, half the people on the plane... Of course, he didn't do it on purpose, and he certainly had plenty of reason to be upset with Kelvin, a brusque, sarcastic and hardened man who used torture, deception and betrayal to achieve his ends. But he seemed to have at least some concern for both Sayid and Desmond, and the fact that he quit the army because men followed his orders seemed to indicate that he felt guilty about something. So I think Kelvin - without whom Desmond might not have survived his shipwreck, though how he happened to find him when he had that button to worry about is an interesting question - was a decent guy despite his unethical plan to steal Desmond's boat and leave him alone to press the button. In this song, to the tune of Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, I imagine him having a crisis of conscience - albeit a very slight one - shortly before his fateful encounter with Desmond.

Goodbye Maddening Code

Desmond can stay underground;
Desmond provided my plan.
I hope he won't come to harm;
I hope his sailboat can reach dry land.

I know I can't fool him forever;
I just need a week or two.
I doubt Desmundo has the guts to open
That door to figure out just what I do.

So goodbye maddening code
From those Dharma Initiative clowns.
That Scot washed up on the shoreline;
I'm glad to have him around.

Being alone in the hatch was no good.
I'll let him carry my load.
So long 4; farewell 8; I'll eliminate
My bonds to maddening code.

I wonder what he'll do then.
I guess he might go insane.
I suppose that abandoning him is demonic;
I've sacrificed him for my gain.

Maybe he'll find a replacement,
Another poor sucker half-drowned.
Then he can run after Penny,
Stealing the boat that the schmuck ran aground.

So goodbye maddening code
From those Dharma Initiative clowns.
That Scot washed up on the shoreline;
I'm glad to have him around.

Being alone in the hatch was no good.
I'll let him carry my load.
So long 4; farewell 8; I'll eliminate
My bonds to maddening code.