The End (American Pie, Don McLean)

Working through my feelings on the end of LOST a couple weeks ahead of time. Darlton, are you listening?

The End (A LOSTie’s Salute)

A long, long time ago,
Back when television was an idle, passionless routine,
An epic promo stopped me cold.
It seemed like cinematic gold
Created for a more convenient screen.
A fiery crash, a pressing query,
A score that sounded more than eerie.
I embraced this new show,
This fresh Robinson Crusoe,
This stunning tale of tattered lives.
Even if I’m pleased with who survives,
It’s sure to cut like John Locke’s knives
The day The End arrives.

A dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Do you know I came to love
All the folks who fell from far above
In September of ‘04?
And I soon made room inside my soul
For one crazed Scotsman in a hole
And Ben, who isn’t Henry anymore.
I’ve envisioned Richard as a sage
Since I noticed that he doesn’t age.
Fantastic Frank’s a find,
And I dig dear dizzy Dan's mind.
I sympathized with Dogen’s tragic case,
And Ilana touched me with her quiet grace.
I just don’t see how I can face
The day The End arrives.

I guarantee a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Now for six years, it’s been on the air.
No other series can quite compare
In terms of sheer complexity.
Every episode hides a crucial clue.
Stranger in a Strange Land matters too,
Though tattoos are not exactly key.
Who’d’ve thought that run-down DHARMA van
Would fuel a hero’s rescue plan?
Who knew the code equates
To Jacob’s Candidates?
You’ve dropped crumbs along the twisted trail.
What tiny Season One detail
Will clinch who wins and who will fail
The day The End arrives?

I’m convinced a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Faith and reason, loyalty and treason,
Enigmas deepening every season.
Cuselof, I tip my hat.
The polar bears, Hurley bird
And ancient monster are so absurd;
I appreciate it all the more for that.
There’s a four-toed statue on the beach.
When wet Walt spouted garbled speech
And Jacob’s cabin shook,
I had to take another look.
How do pylons form a Smokey shield
And why are Temple bathers healed?
What mysteries will be revealed
The day The End arrives?

I guarantee a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Now all those phrases are in my head,
Like “Are you him?” and “Dead is dead”
And “Live together, die alone.”
“Don’t mistake a coincidence for fate!”
And Jack’s cry, “We have to go back, Kate!”
By leaps and bounds, the lexicon has grown.
It’s always a hoot to spout the names
So snarkily assigned by James.
Though “Jabba’s” kinda mean,
I’m keen on “Mr. Clean”.
All the allusions make me feel obtuse.
How many more will you produce?
My library card will get some use
The day The End arrives.

I’m convinced a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

I said farewell to Jin and Sun.
Sadly, Charlie’s rock star days are done -
In this dimension, anyway.
Scott and Eko had violent deaths,
And I always will remember Seth’s,
Since you deigned to turn the pilot into prey.
From fatal falls and time disease
To filicide (curse you, Eloise!),
You’ve shown a special talent
For killing off the gallant.
Michael wound up a remorseful ghost.
Sayid repented and then was toast.
I wonder who I’ll miss the most
The day The End arrives.

I guarantee a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

I’m convinced a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Lookin' Like Locke (Crocodile Rock, Elton John / Bernie Taupin)

"John Locke was not a believer, Jack. He was a sucker." - Smokey, The Last Recruit

Here's another song directly addressing Smokey, this time to the tune of Elton John's Crocodile Rock.

Lookin’ Like Locke

I remember when LOST was young.
Your appearances were far-flung.
First you pulverized poor Seth.
Then you slaughtered Eko, and we all held our breath.
Every season’s brought another shock.
Your latest caper is lookin’ like Locke,
Stakin’ claims when you’re allowed the chance to talk.
You’re a demon who’s schemin’, but you’re lookin’ like Locke.

You’re Locke-lookin’
With malice cookin’
In your vile, amorphous brain.
You know, identity theft’s a crime
And your villainy is plain.
Watch out for karma!
It’s gonna bite.
The Candidates will set things right.
Locke-lookin’, but you won’t win the fight.

Nyah nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!

In the Island‘s Eye, what did John Locke spy?
Somebody who wanted to make sure he’d die.
He saw beauty in a frightening scene.
You call him a sucker, and that’s awfully mean,
But it’s accurate because your plot
Led at last to you lookin’ like Locke.
You’re harassed by your murky past
But really think that lookin’ like Locke’s a blast.

You’re Locke-lookin’
With malice cookin’
In your vile, amorphous brain.
You know, identity theft’s a crime
And your villainy is plain.
Watch out for karma!
It’s gonna bite.
The Candidates will set things right.
Locke-lookin’, but you won’t win the fight.

Nyah nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!

I remember when LOST was young.
Your appearances were far-flung.
First you pulverized poor Seth.
Then you slaughtered Eko, and we all held our breath.
Every season’s brought another shock.
Your latest caper is lookin’ like Locke,
Stakin’ claims when you’re allowed the chance to talk.
You’re a demon who’s schemin’, but you’re lookin’ like Locke.

You’re Locke-lookin’
With malice cookin’
In your vile, amorphous brain.
You know, identity theft’s a crime
And your villainy is plain.
Watch out for karma!
It’s gonna bite.
The Candidates will set things right.
Locke-lookin’, but you won’t win the fight.

Nyah nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nyah nah nah nah nyah...

(fadeout)

Can You Lead Me to the Plane? (Have You Ever Seen the Rain?, John Fogerty)

Eko: Where did you find it?
Charlie: In the jungle. I found it in the jungle.
Eko: Take me there.
- The 23rd Psalm

I've got Creedence Clearwater Revival on the brain at the moment. Here's Eko talking to Charlie in The 23rd Psalm to the tune of Have You Ever Seen the Rain?

Can You Lead Me to the Plane?

Saw your statue in the hut. Are you a religious nut?
Oh, no. It’s a different sort of shrine.
Under Mary’s gentle grin is a stash of heroin.
I know you’re a hopeless hoarder.

I wanna know, can you lead me to the plane?
I wanna know, can you lead me to the plane
Where you found what I broke today?

I was one of many thugs who survived by running drugs.
I know Yemi scorned my life of crime.
Though I was a brutish beast, I became a parish priest.
I owed that much to my brother.

I wanna know, can you lead me to the plane?
I wanna know, can you lead me to the plane
Where you found what I broke today?

Please! I wanna know, can you lead me to the plane?
I wanna know, can you lead me to the plane
Where you found what I broke today?

Casualties Are Common (Apples and Bananas, Traditional)

On LOST, characters have a nasty habit of dying off - some of them more than once. Here's a little ditty about that to the tune of Raffi's Apples and Bananas.

Casualties Are Common

Alas, on LOST, LOST, LOST, casualties are common.
Alas, on LOST, LOST, LOST, casualties are common.

They got gunned down, down, down, Shannon, Dan and Libby.
They got gunned down, down, down, Shannon, Dan and Libby.

Somebody stabbed, stabbed, stabbed Lennon and Naomi.
Somebody stabbed, stabbed, stabbed Lennon and Naomi.

The Monster smoked, smoked, smoked Seth, Montand and Eko.
The Monster smoked, smoked, smoked Seth, Montand and Eko.

They went ka-boom, boom, boom, Leslie and Ilana.
They went ka-boom, boom, boom, Leslie and Ilana.

Who’s going next, next, next? Candidates, be careful!
Who’s going next, next, next? Candidates, be careful!

John Locke (Gaston, Alan Menken / Howard Ashman)

The first LOST filksong I ever wrote involves many of the characters discussing their backstories and Island experiences. The second has John bragging about how great he is. So I thought, for my 100th LOST song, it would be fitting to do a song in which a whole bunch of characters sing about how great John was. About 20 characters (many of them long dead) get in on the action here, to the tune of Alan Menken and Howard Ashman's Gaston, from Beauty and the Beast. Cheers!

John Locke

Ben: How it confused me to see you, John Locke,
Looking so lost and depressed.
Everything was “destiny” to John Locke,
Sure to work out for the best.
I always had failed to unnerve you before;
I now wonder why I would try.
Oddly, I long to preserve you now, for
To impress me, John, you had to die.

Smokey: No one’s been, like John Locke,
Made a twin like John Locke.
Kate: No one’s pulled off an orange-peel grin like John Locke.
Desmond: Oh, his skills with a blade were just scary.
Hurley: Dude, he undid my canteen!
Sun: Though I know his head wasn’t too hairy,
‘Twas the shiniest specimen I’ve ever seen.

Smokey: No one’s used like John Locke
And abused like John Locke.
Jack: No one “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”s like John Locke.
Smokey: No one else is as primed for manipulation.
I miss that guy, that John Locke.

Ben: A man of faith,
Of firm belief.
Richard: John Locke truly sought,
And I thought he’d be a chief.

Boone: No one’s charred as John Locke,
Had it hard as John Locke.
Shannon: No one’s face is as eerily scarred as John Locke.
Sayid: Yes, he went through a number of tussles.
Christian: He got shot and he shattered his leg.
Rose: But he had such miraculous muscles.
Sawyer: Darn right!
If brawn were a brew, then he drank a whole keg.

Jin: No one knots like John Locke,
Claire: Swaddles cloths like John Locke.
Charlie: No one makes metaphors about moths like John Locke.
Claire: No one else is as crafty at crib creation.
I owe a lot to John Locke.

Eko: No other man could have seemed quite so sincere
When he quietly said, “I was wrong.”
Walt: He always respected me when I was here.
All: Oh, it’s clear he’s earned this little song.

Jacob: I attest that John Locke
Was my guest, and John Locke
Never needed to doubt he was blessed as John Locke.
I agree his life merits a celebration.

All: I miss that guy, John Locke!

Bye, Australia! (Sing Australia, John Denver)

My very first LOST parody was a group song, but I've only had a few let's-get-as-many-characters-involved-as-we-can-style parodies. I figured it was time for another one. Here's one that crams in 30 815 passengers, I think; most have a line, some are mentioned by others. To the tune of John Denver's Sing Australia, this imagines their thoughts en route to L. A. (in the original timeline).

Bye, Australia!

Hurley: I came to Australia to break the Numbers curse.
Jack: I came to find my father; didn’t think I would need a hearse.
Boone: Came to help my step-sister.
Arzt: Came here for a date.
John: I came for a walkabout; I was four years too late.

Rose: We were here on our honeymoon.
Bernard: I came to help her heal.
Nikki: I arrived as an actress but I found some gems to steal.
Charlie: Liam is on my black list since he won’t revive the band.
Kate: Maybe I’ll find some way to lose the Marshal when we land.

Hurley: I’m unlucky.
Kate: I am plucky.
Jack: I’m a surgeon of great renown.
Charlie: I’m a druggie.
John: I had a purpose, but Australia let me down.

Michael: Walt is my son, but I bet I’m a lousy dad.
Sawyer: Killed a guy I didn’t know; now I’m feelin’ bad.
Sun: Do I still love my husband?
Jin: Could Sun still be in love with me?
Neil: Excuse me while I dream of a frogurt factory.

Sayid: Will Nadia embrace me when we meet again at last?
Shannon: I made my brother chase me.
Eko: I have a sordid past.
Gary: I hope Bad Twin’s a winner.
Steve: I’ll go by Scott someday.
Claire: I’m scared to see this couple waiting in L. A.

Sawyer: I’m a killer.
Gary: Wrote a thriller.
Sayid: I am headed for my true love.
Claire: Funny how it all seems so tiny when we’re watching from above.

Cindy: Bye, Australia!
Paolo: Bye, Australia!
Ana Lucia: Bye, Australia!
Libby: Bye, Australia!

Seth: Folks, I hope your belts are buckled,
‘Cause this plane is goin’ down!

Sing Australia

Mr. Eko (Desperado, Glenn Frey / Don Henley)

I started writing this back in December during my family's Christmas travels. I had Ryan Kelly's rendition of Desperado firmly lodged in my head, and I thought I should try to take advantage of it. A couple years back, I saw a YouTube video in which somebody had set a series of Sawyer clips to the Eagles' version of the song, and ever since I'm always thought of Sawyer when I've heard it. So to avoid being a copycat, I consciously avoided writing about him and instead began to think about what other LOST characters the song could describe. I started my search by trying to come up with a character whose name or nickname had four syllables, and when I stumbled on Mr. Eko, I knew I'd found a winner.

I ended up setting the song aside for a couple of months, only picking it up again a few days into Lent, at which time it felt particularly meaningful. The Cost of Living is still one of my least favorite LOST episodes; it's befuddling and tragic, but I think it has some interesting things to say about the value of repentance. Eko seemed to turn over a new leaf when he came to the Island, but he couldn't bring himself to express any regret for the evil deeds that marked his previous life, instead claiming that he had no choice. A bit odd that Smokey singled him out like that; maybe we just have to chalk some of it up to needing to get Eko off the show, since Adewale wanted out. But I wish that confrontation had gone differently...

Mr. Eko

Mr. Eko, why don't you drop your defenses?
Confess the offenses that weigh you down.
You've had a hard life, but you must listen to Yemi,
Who drives you to demonstrate humility now.

You were never a repentant boy.
A Robin Hood, a rebel,
You stooped to ugly means to reach your noble ends.
But you can't go on pretending
That your plank is just a pebble.
True forgiveness comes to those who make amends.

Mr. Eko, don't you discern any danger?
Surrounded by strangers, your sins seem long gone.
But evil, oh evil has a habit of haunting.
The terror that's taunting you won't die with the dawn.

Have you kept a count of your heinous crimes?
You've seemed so full of remorse sometimes,
With silence stretching on for forty days.
Oh, but why deny you had free will
When you killed before you changed your wicked ways?

Mr. Eko, why don't you drop your defenses?
Expunge your expenses. Strengthen your state.
It may be painful, but you can paint a new morning.
But if you disregard the warning...
But if you disregard the warning, you've sealed your own fate.
Your own fate...

Bear! (Hair, Galt MacDermot / James Rado / Gerome Ragni)

How many times have we seen a polar bear on LOST now? And how many polar bears has it actually been? Two? Three? One bear possessing eerie Mikhail-like indestructibility? That's the theory I have Sawyer posit in this silly parody of the Cowsills' Hair.

Bear!

Sawyer: You asked me why.
Why? I don't wanna die.
That bear was in my sighty-sight sight.
He gave me a fright.
That bear has died, you know.
The tough task was mine;
I made him go!
He won't come back. He's dead.
Guess we'll be well fed!
Darlin'...

Look! I just shot a bear.
Big, burly white bear.
Growlin', scowlin',
Furry, in a hurry.

Would have said, "Beware!" (Bear!)
If he'd been there longer. (Bear!)
Still, I have stopped trauma;
Why treat me like a baddie?

(Bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear!)
Shoot 'im, boot 'im,
'Long as I can mute 'im,
That bear.

Walt: I made a dash for the trees.
I am begging you, please
Be speedy in seizing that bear.
I'd get on my knees
And pray, but I'd better freeze
And skimp on words
And hope the birds
Make a clatter
That will shatter
The attention of that...

(Bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear!)
Stab 'im, jab 'im,
Just keep him from grabbin'!
That bear...

Sawyer: I want him long gone, not returning,
Musty, dusty, beaten, eaten.
Hope that he's forever severed.
Now his cage is sparking rages.
Think I'd better risk it,
Fishin' for his biscuit
Though he's bigger than a yeti
And his jaws and claws are like machetes.

Eko: Oh, say can you see his eyes?
If you can, then your life is short.

Sawyer: He's still here.
Don't know where.
Darn that bear! Darn that bear! I stopped him myself!
How can his paws keep runnin' when I stopped him myself?

Oh, why is a polar bear,
Non-tropical bear,
Even grievin' us? He should be leavin'.

How does a regular fella dare (Bear!)
Face a beast that's stronger? (Bear!)
That may be more drama
Than I would deal with gladly.
(Bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear!)
Shoot 'im, boot 'im,
'Long as I can mute 'im,
That... (bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear!)
Shoot 'im, boot 'im,
'Long as I can mute 'im,
That... (bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear!)

I'm Lost Without...

This past Christmas, I received a shirt that reads "I'M LOST WITHOUT CHARLIE". Turns out it was prophetic, since Charlie's run on the show actually ended with the conclusion of the third season. He's one of my four absolutely favorite characters. Luckily, the other three remain, but meanwhile other folks have been getting whacked left and right. It troubles me. Hence, this little rant...

I'm Lost Without...

I'm lost without Charlie, musician and hero.
I'm lost without Shannon and Boone.
I'm lost without Eko, whose death by Old Smokey
Seemed random and happened too soon.

I'm lost without gun-toting Ana Lucia.
I'm lost without Nikki the ditz.
I'm lost without Paolo, Joanna and Leslie,
Who got himself blown into bits.

I'm lost without Libby, collateral damage
And Hurley's best shot at romance.
I'm lost without dangerous Bonnie and Greta,
Who never had much of a chance.

I'm lost without Ryan, Colleen and Naomi.
I'm lost without Donald and Scott.
I'm lost without Roger and Kelvin, the putzes
Whose passing propelled the whole plot.

I'm lost without Danny, irascible hothead.
I'm lost without friendly foe Tom.
I'm lost without Goodwin, that overgrown boy scout.
I'm lost without vile Ethan Rom.

I'm lost without Edward, the dude with the shrapnel.
I'm lost without Cooper and Klugh.
I'm lost without Pilot-Whose-Name-Wasn't-Mentioned
And maybe without Mikhail too.

O Damon and Carlton, desist with the slaughter!
Have mercy! Consider the cost
Of killing each character I've come to love, lest
At last I am lost without LOST!

My Younger Brother's Cross (Lover's Cross, Jim Croce)

One of my favorite episodes of LOST is The 23rd Psalm, which so tragically explores Eko's past. Here's a little reflection by him set in that episode to the tune of Jim Croce's Lover's Cross.

My Younger Brother's Cross

How I wish this had not happened!
Poor Yemi, killed for my crime.
In the plane that I envisioned,
I have found what I had feared to find,
For if it seemed that he might be a martyr,
I would never acknowledge the clue,
But, Charlie, since I see my younger brother's cross, I do.

I am sure this is confusing to you.
You stare; your eyes are wide.
Yemi risked his life on my behalf,
And it is my fault that he died.
I guess that he had the nerve of a martyr,
Possessing courage that I never knew.
Now, Charlie, since I see my younger brother's cross, I do.

Perhaps he will hear my yearning
And know I have pledged to change.
In pain, I continue learning
That this business of life is a dangerous game.

Charlie, you have helped me find my brother.
You have shown me to this spot,
So stand beside me as I cry,
Exposing my grief to God.
I suspected he might be a martyr before,
But I had to have proof it was true,
So, Charlie, since I see my younger brother's cross, I do.

(repeat bridge and chorus)

We Wish We Could Find an Isthmus (We Wish You a Merry Christmas, Traditional)

Here's another LOST / Christmas carol combination, this one to the tune of Peter Paul and Mary's version of We Wish You a Merry Christmas.

We Wish We Could Find an Isthmus

Since we came here, there's a lot that we miss,
So is it so strange that we're thinking like this?

We wish we could find an isthmus,
We wish we could find an isthmus,
We wish we could find an isthmus
So we'd not be stuck here.
We wish we could find an isthmus,
We wish we could find an isthmus,
We wish we could find an isthmus
So we'd not be stuck here.
Since Michael and Jin's old raft was done in,
We wish we could find an isthmus
So we'd not be stuck here.

We hate Sawyer's piggy looting,
We hate Sawyer's piggy looting,
We hate Sawyer's piggy looting
And Locke's ominous leer.
And we don't care if Jack is handsome,
We don't care if Jack is handsome,
We don't care if Jack is handsome;
We're tired of his sneer.
Since Michael and Jin's old raft was done in,
We wish we could find an isthmus
So we'd not be stuck here.

Since we came here, there's a lot that we miss,
So is it so strange that we're thinking like this?
Turns out that we loved our cities and towns;
We hope someone noticed that we're not around.

Hurley! Eko! Bernard and Rose!
We've learned all the names but nobody knows
If we who were lost here will ever be found,
If we who were lost here will ever be found.

We wish we could find an isthmus,
We wish we could find an isthmus,
We wish we could find an isthmus
So we'd not be stuck here.
We wish we could find an isthmus,
We wish we could find an isthmus,
We wish we could find an isthmus
So we'd not be stuck here.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas