Hoffs-Drawlar (Hotel Caliifornia, Don Felder / Glenn Frey / Don Henley)

Funeral Director: My deepest condolences. Friend or family? Jack: Neither.
- Through the Looking Glass, Part 2

"If you do leave this place, the day may come when you want to return."
- Ben, King of the Castle


On LOST, few relationships are as complicated as the one between Jack and John. While his death brings the doctor to the brink of suicide, he can't even bring himself to identify himself as John's friend. Then again, it's hard to blame him... Here are some musings from Jack at the Hoffs-Drawlar funeral parlor in the third and fourth season finales, to the tune of the Eagles' Hotel California.

Hoffs-Drawlar

Saw your name in the paper.
I had to look twice.
I’d done too much boozing;
Maybe this was the price.
But I wasn’t mistaken.
Sometimes it stings to be right.
I made my mind up as the plane touched down.
I had to end it that night.

As I gazed at the pavement,
About to take the leap,
I felt a fierce inferno and
I heard a crunch and a scream and a beep.
Went to go play the hero
Because that’s what I do.
When I got out of the hospital,
I had to come see you.

I’m here, but I find it hard to mourn ya.
I will not pretend (I will not pretend) that I was your friend.
Sorry you’re dead, but it’s hard for me to mourn ya.
All you brought my life (all you brought my life) was a lot of strife.

You put a knife through Naomi.
I always blamed you for Boone.
You blathered on about a sacrifice...
What a goon!
You set off those explosives,
Scads of C-4.
The Flame was in flames and
The sub was no more.

All the while you insisted
I misunderstood.
You swore that every single thing you’d done was
For the Island’s good.
And when you wearied of telling me not to leave,
You encouraged the tangle of deceit
I went on to weave.

I’m here, but I find it hard to mourn ya.
I will not pretend (I will not pretend) that I was your friend.
Yeah, Jeremy Bentham, it’s hard for me to mourn ya,
With your pseudonym (with your pseudonym) and your vanished vim.

The man here informed me
That nobody else came.
Pathetic. You went out a bitter old man,
All alone and lame.
You said that we were special
And shared one common fate.
I think I might accept that now,
But I’ve found my faith too late.

Who lurks in the shadows?
Am I really seeing Ben,
And can I trust he’ll get me back
To the Island once again?
He once tried to warn me
Of the lesson I would learn:
“If you leave this place, the day may come
When you want to return.”

Hotel California

Goodbye Mr. Linus (Goodbye Mrs. Durkin, Traditional)

It may be that we've seen the last of the LOST submarine, but here's a ditty that hearkens back to the first time we saw it, back in season three, to the tune of the Irish Rovers' Goodbye, Mrs. Durkin.

Goodbye, Mr. Linus

Both: Goodbye, Mr. Linus. We won't let you confine us.
We're tired of your head games. We're tired of your lies.
A wave to your grim domain and we're headed for the mainland.
Don't bother to object because we've said our last goodbyes.

Juliet: In Miami I was toiling to find out a way of foiling
Infertility that followed from the treatments Rachel tried.
My experiments succeeded, but I wish I hadn't heeded
All the flattery that Richard used to bring me to your side.

Both: So, it's goodbye, Mr. Linus. We won't let you confine us.
We're tired of your head games. We're tired of your lies.
A wave to your grim domain and we're headed for the mainland.
Don't bother to object because we've said our last goodbyes.

Juliet: Well, I've lost too many women, and my frazzled head is swimmin'.
I haven't helped at all here, so why should I remain?
I just want to see my sister. Do you know how I've missed her?
Do you realize that nothing's come from keeping me but pain?

Both: So, it's goodbye, Mr. Linus. We won't let you confine us.
We're tired of your head games. We're tired of your lies.
A wave to your grim domain and we're headed for the mainland.
Don't bother to object because we've said our last goodbyes.

Jack: When Sayid came from the jungle with you, torture on his mind,
I saw you bent and bloody and I urged him to be kind.
But now I know your game, Ben, so I think it's quite shame then
That he didn't beat you senseless when he had the chance that day.

Both: So, it's goodbye, Mr. Linus. We won't let you confine us.
We're tired of your head games. We're tired of your lies.
A wave to your grim domain and we're headed for the mainland.
Don't bother to object because we've said our last goodbyes.

Jack: You're a mad manipulator, but you'll yank my strings no more,
And when we board the sub, I won't glance backward toward the shore.
I'm sure that when I'm gone, then you will find another pawn, Ben,
But now I'm calling checkmate on the final game we'll play.

Both: So, it's goodbye, Mr. Linus. We won't let you confine us.
We're tired of your head games. We're tired of your lies.
A wave to your grim domain and we're headed for the mainland.
Don't bother to object because we've said our last goodbyes.

Goodbye Mrs. Durkin