John Locke's Body (John Brown's Body, Traditional)

"I don't understand. If this is Locke... who's in there?" 
- Sun, The Incident


John Locke has suffered a great many indignities on LOST, not the least of which involves his imitation by a nefarious entity. Here's a ditty to the tune of Pete Seeger's version of John Brown's Body in which various folks outside contemplate the mystery before them. In the last verse, "John Locke" confronts Jacob and offers an answer.

John Locke’s Body

Sun: John Locke’s body lies a-sprawlin’ in the sand.
John Locke’s body lies a-sprawlin’ in the sand.
John Locke’s body lies a-sprawlin’ in the sand.
So who’s in there with Ben?

Ilana: In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
Will evil rise again?

Frank: They knocked me out and brought me with the dead guy in the box.
They knocked me out and brought me with the dead guy in the box.
They knocked me out and brought me with the dead guy in the box.
So who’s in there with Ben?

Ilana: In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
Will evil rise again?

Richard: When John walked into camp, he seemed a little off to me,
But I had waited fifty years to follow his decree,
And so I overlooked the artificiality.
So who’s in there with Ben?

Ilana: In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
Will evil rise again?

Bram: Well, that crate was really heavy, and we carried it all day.
That crate was really heavy, and we carried it all day.
That crate was really heavy, and we carried it all day.
So who’s in there with Ben?

Ilana: In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
Will evil rise again?

Smokey: Remember when I told you that I’d find a loophole, friend?
Since the two of us showed up here, you must know what we intend.
Forget your talk of progress; now at last we’re at the end.
It’s me in here with Ben.

Ilana: In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
Will evil rise again?

When the Island's Done With Us (Hard to Say I'm Sorry, Peter Cetera / David Foster)

Ben: Kinda makes you think, doesn't it?
Jack: What's that?
Ben: Ilana. There she was - handpicked by Jacob, trained to come and protect you Candidates, no sooner does she tell you who you are than she blows up. The Island was done with her. Makes me wonder what's gonna happen when it's done with us. 
- Everybody Loves Hugo



Back in Dr. Linus, Richard wallowed in despair and Ben found a new lease on life. In Everybody Loves Hugo, Ben, traumatized by the death of the woman who gave him a second chance and fearful of the future, seems to have hit a nadir. Here's Ben to the tune of Chicago's Hard to Say I'm Sorry.

When the Island’s Done With Us

Always said that getting chummy doesn’t pay,
And every day, that is clearer.
Everybody in this place is prey.
We obey; death comes nearer.

Makes you think.
The Island didn’t need Ilana,
So it tossed her away.

When our fates have been fulfilled,
Seems to me we’re getting killed,
And I’m not thrilled.
I guess you’ll say I’m a downer, Jack,
But when the Island’s done with us we’re doomed.

I admit that I feel dismay
About this play we’ve been cast in.
Do you think that we’ll be okay?
You may say there’s a chance, but it’s slim.

Makes you think.
The Island didn’t need Ilana.
An explosion was due.
Makes you think.
If that’s how it rewarded Ilana,
What’s in store for me and you?

When our fates have been fulfilled,
Seems to me we’re getting killed,
And I’m not thrilled.
I guess you’ll say I’m a downer, Jack,
But when the Island’s done with us we’re doomed.

When our fates have been fulfilled,
Seems to me we’re getting killed,
And I’m not thrilled.

Flashes of red, then fade to black.

That Dynamite (Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting, Elton John / Bernie Taupin)

"Um... I don't know if that's a good idea. I mean, for one thing, that stuff's really unstable..." - Hurley, Everybody Loves Hugo

Hurley has seen first-hand the danger of unstable dynamite. Here he issues a warning to Ilana, to the tune of Elton John's Saturday Night's All Right for Fighting.

That Dynamite

So Richard said that we’d all be dead
Unless he could destroy the plane.
I think he’s in shock, and I wanna talk,
‘Cause it’s hard to see what we would gain.
Those sticks you’re loading have a good chance of exploding
Long before we intend them to.
Our luck will decrease if you’re not in one piece -
And cease altogether for you.

Well, don’t wanna be like a broken record.
I gotta give a warning, though.
That dynamite is mighty flighty.
Any second it could blow.
Maybe if you’d got a little Arzt on you,
Then you would admit I’m right,
‘Cause that dynamite’s a fright’ning sight.
Bump it and it’s goodnight, goodnight, goodnight.
Trust me, it’s true.

I can see that you’re back, and in your pack
You’ve gathered what we need for this attack.
But you do it and our mode of transportation’s gone,
And we’re stuck here on this Island still with phony John.
Ilana, think it over before we leave.
Don’t you have something less destructive up your sleeve?
Are you looking for trouble? Well, you found it. Yes,
You use that stuff, it’ll only make a mess.

Well, don’t wanna be like a broken record.
I gotta give a warning, though.
That dynamite is mighty flighty.
Any second it could blow.
Maybe if you’d got a little Arzt on you,
Then you would admit I’m right,
‘Cause that dynamite’s a fright’ning sight.
Bump it and it’s goodnight, goodnight, goodnight.
Trust me, it’s true.

No, don’t wanna be like a broken record.
I gotta give a warning, though,
‘Cause that dynamite is mighty flighty.
Any second it could blow.
Maybe if you’d got a little Arzt on you,
Then you would admit I’m right,
‘Cause that dynamite’s a fright’ning sight.
Bump it and it’s goodnight, goodnight, goodnight.
Trust me, it’s true.

Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Say goodnight!

Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Say goodnight!

Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Say goodnight!

I'll Have You (I Got You, Babe, Sonny Bono)

"I'll have you."
- Ilana, Dr. Linus

Over the years, LOST has provided many powerfully moving moments, but few pack the punch of the emotional, cathartic scene between Ilana and Ben toward the end of Dr. Linus. Could it possibly have been any better? No. It could not. Here's a reflection on one of my favorite LOST moments ever, to the tune of Sonny and Cher's I Got You, Babe (which, incidentally, is prominently featured in Groundhog Day, about a morally bankrupt man who makes wrong decisions again and again before finally making major changes for the better).

I’ll Have You

Ben: My bitter actions caused you pain,
But please, give me a moment to explain.
I was so angry and afraid.
I know you won’t forgive the choice I made...

Ilana: Ben.
I’ll have you, Ben.
I’ll have you, Ben.

Ben: I watched my daughter Alex die.
I could have saved her; didn’t even try.
I blamed myself but blamed Jacob too.
Oh, Ilana, I felt just as lost as you.

Ilana: Ben.
I’ll have you, Ben.
I’ll have you, Ben.

Ben: I believed he didn’t care.
I believed he was unfair.
That changed when Miles heard his voice.
My grief is my fault, for I had a choice.

I told you what I need to, so
I just ask that you will let me go.
I see that Locke’s a monster. Still,
He said he’d have me. Nobody else will.

Ilana: Ben.
I’ll have you, Ben.
I’ll have you, Ben.

Ben: You’ll have me? I’m thunderstruck.
You’ll have me, a sinful shmuck?
You’ll have me? My mind’s a blur.
You’ll have me, a murderer?
You’ll have me? What can I say?
You’ll have me? I can’t repay.
You’ll have me? How can I face
Such a magnitude of grace?

Ilana: I’ll have you, Ben.
I’ll have you, Ben.
I’ll have you, Ben.
I’ll have you, Ben.
I’ll have you, Ben.

Hey There, Richardus (Hey There, Delilah, Tom Higgenson)

We still have a lot to learn about Ilana, the only major character to emerge from season five of LOST who wasn't at least hinted at in earlier seasons. But my initial impression of her is that she's very brash and condescending. One of "the good guys"? Probably. But if I were Richard, I might be a little annoyed with the way she just barges in and tries to takes charge. She, on the other hand, must be feeling frustrated that Richard allowed the unthinkable to happen. Here's a spiel from her to him, to the tune of the Plain White Ts' Hey There, Delilah.

Hey There, Richardus

Hey there, Richardus,
With your tongue as smooth as satin,
Won’t you prove that you‘re my ally?
Just five little words in Latin
Are my due.
If you are truly Number Two,
Then he told you.

Hey there, Richardus -
Or should I just call you Ricky?
Can you see through that eyeliner
That our situation’s sticky?
Here’s a box.
Hope you will forgive me if this shocks:
We have two Lockes.

Oh, don’t know how you could be
Fooled by Jacob’s Enemy.
Oh, don’t know how you could be
Fooled by Jacob’s Enemy.
Jacob’s Enemy.

Hey there, Richardus,
I suppose he had his charms,
But still I thought someone who knows
As much as you would hear alarms
When “John” appeared.
You must admit, the guy is weird.
It’s as I feared.

Hey there, Richardus,
Jacob wanted me to come.
He must have known that you would drop the ball,
But hey, don’t feel too dumb. You’re getting old,
Tarnished after years of gleaming gold.
Does that sound cold?

Oh, don’t know how you could be
Fooled by Jacob’s Enemy.
Oh, don’t know how you could be
Fooled by Jacob’s Enemy.

The Island’s in the balance now.
From castaways to cats and cows,
Each living thing is under this new threat.
I won’t pretend the outlook’s good,
But I don’t think that Jacob would
Have sent me here if hope had vanished yet.

Richardus, bow out gracefully
And leave the leading up to me.
I know you think you’re Jacob’s right-hand man,
But heed my plan.

Hey there, Richardus.
See, the statue marks the spot.
We’ll barge inside; you just stay here
And build your slave ship in a bottle
For a while.

Excuse my commandeering style.
We‘re the good guys too, so it‘s not guile.
Hey there, Richardus, crack a smile.
We’ll save this isle.

Oh, don’t know how you could be
Fooled by Jacob’s Enemy.
Oh, don’t know how you could be
Fooled by Jacob’s Enemy.
Jacob’s Enemy.