MacCutcheon (Dublin O'Shea, Lonnie Donegan / Joe Brown)

"What you're not, is worthy of drinking my whiskey. How could you ever be worthy of my daughter?"
- Widmore, Flashes Before Your Eyes

The scene in Flashes Before Your Eyes in which Charles Widmore so thoroughly disses Desmond with some help from a 60-year-old bottle of scotch remains one of the most iconic in the series.  I'm still not entirely sure if Charles was as oblivious to Desmond's previous existence as he seemed in that scene, but here I'm going to assume that he was. Here's Charles to the tune of the Irish Rovers' Dublin O'Shea.

MacCutcheon

“Here’s a little drink, boy.  MacCutcheon’s the best.
Although you’re my guest, I have deemed you unworthy,
And if you’re too base for the scotch on my chest,
Then how could I hand you my daughter, you fool?”

He came to my office to look for a job,
But he seemed like a slob, just a slouch and a roustabout.
Still, I was willing to toss him a bob.
Then Desmond asked for my daughter.

“Here’s a little drink, boy.  MacCutcheon’s the best.
Although you’re my guest, I have deemed you unworthy,
And if you’re too base for the scotch on my chest,
Then how could I hand you my daughter, you fool?”

I spoke of a hero, the Navy man Mac,
And mentioned the plaques earned by Admiral Anderson.
Maybe I could’ve cut the poor lad some slack,
But he’d landed himself in hot water.

“Here’s a little drink, boy.  MacCutcheon’s the best.
Although you’re my guest, I have deemed you unworthy,
And if you’re too base for the scotch on my chest,
Then how could I hand you my daughter, you fool?”

He left in a flurry, full of anguish and shame,
And I hoped that his name wouldn’t come back to haunt me.
But Desmond, determined to earn my acclaim,
Turned himself to a consummate sailor.

“Here’s a little drink, boy.  MacCutcheon’s the best.
Although you’re my guest, I have deemed you unworthy,
And if you’re too base for the scotch on my chest,
Then how could I hand you my daughter, you fool?”

He got to the Island I lost long ago,
And he made the hatch blow with the turn of his key.
Then he married Penelope.  Galling, I know,
But I’ll no longer call him a failure.

“Here’s a little drink, boy.  MacCutcheon’s the best.
Although you’re my guest, I have deemed you unworthy,
And if you’re too base for the scotch on my chest,
Then how could I hand you my daughter, you fool?”

Dublin O'Shea

I'll Walk Away (The Voice of the Child, Michael Card)

Seeing Jacob's grief-stricken act of vengeance upon his brother in Across the Sea reminded me of one of my favorite elements of the season two finale: Hurley's refusal to seek revenge for the death of Libby. He first rejects the gun Jack tries to give him at the beginning of their trek, and then when Michael is outed as the killer, he makes no attempt on his life. I thought, "If only Jacob had been that level-headed." If everyone on the show followed Hurley's example, there would be a lot less turmoil on the Island. Here's Hurley to the tune of Michael Card's The Voice of the Child.

I’ll Walk Away

We’d planned on a picnic.
It was going to be such a perfect day.
But then Libby was shot ‘cause of what I forgot,
And it’s not okay.
She didn’t deserve this.
I need you to know that she rescued me.
She was sweet and compassionate, gentle and wise,
And I found true love when I looked in her eyes,
Now lifeless and gray.
She was pure. You aimed anyway.

I hate what you’ve done, but if I had a gun,
I would stop, and I’d let the thing drop.
I am deep in dismay, but revenge doesn’t pay,
So instead, I’ll just walk away.

You murdered her, Michael.
I know you want Walt, and that‘s why she died.
But you don’t have the right to extinguish the light.
He’d be horrified.
The guilt must be setting in.
I don’t know how you can sleep at night.
I could retaliate now for your killing spree,
The moment you acted so mercilessly.
But Michael, what good would it do?
Vengeance isn’t for me.

I hate what you’ve done, but if I had a gun,
I would stop, and I’d let the thing drop.
I am deep in dismay, but revenge doesn’t pay,
So instead, I’ll just walk away.

We’d planned on a picnic.
It was going to be such a perfect day.
But then Libby was shot ‘cause of what I forgot,
And it’s not okay.
But though my heart’s breaking,
I’m stopping the cycle.
I’ll walk away.

The Voice of the Child

A Monster By the Cockpit (Hey Daddy, Bob Ruzicka)

Here's another ditty inspired by the Anne Murray album There's a Hippo in My Tub, a wonderful collection of lullabies. This is a not-so-soothing rundown of some of the strange creatures on the Island, to the tune of Hey Daddy.

A Monster By the Cockpit

Hey, Sawyer, there’s a bear out in the jungle.
Good thing you’re a trigger-happy man.
Hey, Charlie, run quick, ‘cause there’s a monster by the cockpit,
And it seems to me he’s not a Drive Shaft fan.

It’s a scary sort of Island
With a roving DHARMA shark.
Sometimes you suspect that
You’d prefer Jurassic Park.

I tell ya,
Hey, Sawyer, there’s a bear out in the jungle.
Good thing you’re a trigger-happy man.
Hey, Charlie, run quick, ‘cause there’s a monster by the cockpit,
And it seems to me he’s not a Drive Shaft fan.

Well, the bandit boars are a menace here,
And the Hurley bird is bizarre,
But if velociraptors trash the camp,
That’s going too far.

Meanwhile,
Hey, Sawyer, there’s a bear out in the jungle.
Good thing you’re a trigger-happy man.
Hey, Charlie, run quick, ‘cause there’s a monster by the cockpit,
And it seems to me he’s not a Drive Shaft fan.
And it seems to me he’s not a Drive Shaft fan.
Yeah, it seems to me he’s not a Drive Shaft fan.

I'll Win This Race (Come Sail Away, Dennis DeYoung)

"Then I thank you, Elizabeth. And I shall win this race for love."
- Desmond, Live Together, Die Alone

I've always found the Styx song Come Sail Away a little freaky, but it's also enjoyably epic, especially since it calls to mind one of my favorite moments from Freaks and Geeks, Judd Apatow's most excellent and all too short-lived high school dramedy. Couldn't resist associating it with LOST too, as an illustration of the scene in the season two finale in which Libby offers Desmond her boat.

I’ll Win This Race

Desmond: I’m sailing a race
Sponsored by the man who belittled me.
He said I’d never be
Worthy of his daughter Penelope.
But there’s a wee problem.
I have no boat.
I’m broke, so my chances
Would seem remote,
But for my
Honor, I’ll try...
Is something wrong?

Libby: I have what you seek.
It used to be my husband’s, but he grew weak.
Poor David. He died.
He never got to sail on a Grecian tide.
Since we cannot be together,
It’s a burden now.
He’d want you to keep it,
And you have my vow:
In your care
Clearly is where
My boat belongs.

Desmond: You tell me I should take it.
I don’t know what to say,
But I’ll accept it as a sign
That love will find a way.

And so I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love, lass.
I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love.
I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love. Watch me!
I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love.

Elizabeth, you’ve touched me.
Tell you what I’ll do.
I’ll win this race for Penny,
For David and for you.

Yes, I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love, lass.
I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love.
I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love.
I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love.
I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love.
I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love.
I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love.
I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love.

(fadeout)

Widmore's Whiskey (Nancy Whiskey, Traditional)

Desmond: What kind of whiskey is that?
Charlie: It's, uh - it just says MacCutcheon.
Desmond: Alright then, let's have it!
- Flashes Before Your Eyes

In Flashes Before Your Eyes, Desmond wants to lay off the booze, but he'll make an exception for MacCutcheon whiskey. Here's a reflection by him to the tune of the Irish Rovers' Nancy Whiskey.

Widmore’s Whiskey

Whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey.
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.
Whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey.
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.

I was a sailor, a restless sailor.
I was a soldier, a silent monk…
Even tried to be a doctor.
I always wound up a raving drunk.

Is that whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey?
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.
Whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey.
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.

In an ancient monastery,
Hiding from my intended wife,
I imbibed the wine we bottled,
So I got sacked from monastic life.

Whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey.
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.
Whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey.
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.

As I was leaving, I met a woman.
Before that woman, I had no base.
She became my guiding vision.
Penny Widmore, my saving grace.

Whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey.
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.
Whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey.
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.

I went in to see her father,
A man of aristocracy.
He poured a bit of his prized MacCutcheon
Just to say it was too good for me.

Is that whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey?
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.
Whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey.
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.

I was a sailor, a restless sailor.
I drank so much that I thought I would drown.
I’m going sober, clean and sober,
But that’s MacCutcheon, so pass it down.

Whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey.
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.
Whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey.
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.
Whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey.
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.

Nancy Whiskey

The Hidden Hatch (The Rattlin' Bog, Traditional)

One of the most intriguing mysteries LOST handed us was the question of what was in the hatch that John and Boone found hidden in the jungle. In season two, we got our answer. I imagine this song, to the tune of the Irish Rovers' version of The Rattlin' Bog, as a dialogue between the viewers and head writers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse, and I like how the structure of the song drops one piece of the puzzle at a time, just like the show. I also like how, at least as I see it, at the heart of the hatch is Love, especially if we can see the hatch as a metaphor for the show.

The Hidden Hatch

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: Well, in that hatch,
There is a hall, a long hall, a spooky hall.
Hall in the hatch
And the hatch out in the jungle-o.

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: And down the hall,
There is a room, a large room, a gloomy room.
Room down the hall
And the hall in the hatch
And the hatch out in the jungle-o.

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: And in that room,
There is a Scot, a crazed Scot, a lonely Scot.
Scot in the room
And the room down the hall
And the hall in the hatch
And the hatch out in the jungle-o.

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: And by that Scot,
There is some booze, some strong booze, some bottled booze.
Booze by the Scot
And the Scot in the room
And the room down the hall
And the hall in the hatch
And the hatch out in the jungle-o.

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: And by the booze,
There is a book, an old book, a Dickens book.
Book by the booze
And the booze by the Scot
And the Scot in the room
And the room down the hall
And the hall in the hatch
And the hatch out in the jungle-o.

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: And in that book,
There is a note, a short note, a secret note.
Note in the book
And the book by the booze
And the booze by the Scot
And the Scot in the room
And the room down the hall
And the hall in the hatch
And the hatch out in the jungle-o.

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: And in that note
Are words of love, of true love, of constant love.
Love in the note
And the note in the book
And the book by the booze
And the booze by the Scot
And the Scot in the room
And the room down the hall
And the hall in the hatch
And the hatch out in the jungle-o.

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: That’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o.
That’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o!

Brother Desmond (Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da, Paul McCartney)

Since I snatched Penny up from the Beatles' catalog, I figured Desmond deserved the same treatment. Here's a LOST ditty to the tune of Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da, mostly inspired by the episode Catch-22.

Brother Desmond

Desmond, you're a coward and you just can't face
Marriage to your Scottish sweetheart Ruth.
Fear and not devotion brought you to this place.
It's time that you let Brother Campbell know the truth.

You're a drunk, not a monk, Brother Desmond!
God has other plans for you.
You're a drunk, not a monk, Brother Desmond!
God has other plans for you.

Desmond, you will have to make a sacrifice
In your quest to prove you're not too scared.
You won't find the years of isolation nice,
But with this month of silence, now you're more prepared.

You're a drunk, not a monk, Brother Desmond!
God has other plans for you.
You're a drunk, not a monk, Brother Desmond!
God has other plans for you.

In a decade or so, you will make a dashing groom.
You will cheekily smile as the priest declares you
Desmond and Penny Hume.

Happ'ly ever after won't come easy, Des.
Though you'll sometimes wish your life would end,
Put your trust in Penny when she plainly says
She loves you in her note in Our Mutual Friend.

You're a drunk, not a monk, Brother Desmond!
God has other plans for you.
You're a drunk, not a monk, Brother Desmond!
God has other plans for you.

In a decade or so, you will make a dashing groom.
You will cheekily smile as the priest declares you
Desmond and Penny Hume.

Happ'ly ever after won't come easy, Des.
Many troubles wait around the bend.
Someday, though, she'll help you banish emptiness,
And you will sail away on Our Mutual Friend.

You're a drunk, not a monk, Brother Desmond!
God has other plans for you.
You're a drunk, not a monk, Brother Desmond!
God has other plans for you.

What are you running to?
Get ready to find out.

Dan In My Dream (Dance Little Jean, Jimmy Ibbotson)

There's been entirely too little Desmond in season five of LOST. I'm hoping the next episode rectifies that a bit. In the meantime, here's a little something, to the tune of Nitty Gritty Dirt Band's Dance Little Jean, reflecting on his appearance earlier in the season.

Dan in My Dream

I joined a boat race for my honor,
And I never thought that I would be marooned,
But then a storm sidetracked me,
And Kelvin kept me helplessly entombed.
So I was praying for some answers,
And I swore that if I ever could depart,
I would never think again about the Island
That I loathed with all my heart.

Then my depression turned to panic.
I heard somebody pounding on my door.
When I cocked my gun and greeted him,
It seemed to me that I'd seen him before.
But as he rushed to spill his secrets, Pen,
I couldn't comprehend what he could mean.
Then he told me that I had to meet
His mother, and I woke from the dream.

Well, it was Dan in my dream, but I don't know how.
What made me forget that moment until now?
Dan in my dream, a strange memory.
Oh, why can't that blasted Island just be done with me?

I don't want to go to Oxford.
We've been careful to avoid your father's net.
What if listening to Dan leads us right to him
And amplifies his threat?
But I owe my life to Faraday,
So even though this may be a mistake,
I will do just what he said to
For faith and fate and friends I can't forsake.

Yeah, I saw Dan in my dream, but I don't know how.
What made me forget that moment until now?
Dan in my dream, a strange memory.
Oh, why can't that blasted Island just be done with me?
Tell me, why can't that blasted Island just be done with me?

Dance Little Jean

Of Sacrificial Death and Life

Through the Looking Glass, the finale of LOST's third season, has really stuck with me this summer, and while I was contemplating what good could arise from Charlie's demise, it occurred to me that each of the seasons has essentially ended with a character laying down his life for the other castaways.

Boone's death came a little earlier in the first season, and while he failed in his aim of securing rescue with the plane's radio, his death sent John into a tail-spin of misery that ironically kept Desmond from killing himself, which might well have resulted in the deaths of everyone on the island. Granted, Jack could have saved Boone in the meantime, but it was the life-threatening degree of Boone's injuries that sent John off the deep end; I don't think he really had much chance of recovery.

At the end of season two, it certainly looked as though Desmond expected the hatch implosion to kill him, and common sense might dictate that it should have. But he survived, only to appoint himself Charlie's personal savior but ultimately lead him to his own sacrificial death. Now we're all scratching our heads and wondering whether there really was a point to it, but I suspect the positive ripples from Charlie's heroism will one day be as evident as Boone's, though quite possibly very different than anything he might have anticipated.

Desmond is the curious link between the two, another indication of the deep significance his character has for the progression of the show. In a sense, while Boone and Charlie are condemned to die, Desmond is compelled to live, plucked from the jaws of death every time it approaches, for which he's not likely to be too grateful while calamities follow him. Why him? There must be a method behind the madness...

Of Sacrificial Death and Life

The sanctity of sacrifice
Propels the island's grim events,
For death has taken heroes twice
And spared, for reasons yet unclear,
Another who, in brave defense
Of all, dispatched the dread device
Whose purpose John, bereft of sense,
Had doubted, making doom draw near.

'Twas John who led the youthful Boone,
Whose eagerness to make his mark
Encouraged him to stay and tune
The radio. Boone's fateful choice,
Embracing risk to snatch a spark
Of hope, cost him his life, but soon
The anguished John dispelled the dark
Despair of Desmond with his voice.

And hence, though Boone could never know
The consequences of his fall,
In causing Desmond to forego
His suicide, he did as much
As anyone to save them all.
Now Desmond, in the eerie glow
Of liquid light, has ceased to call
To Charlie, just beyond his touch.

His soul has left the fragile frame
That Desmond labored to protect,
The ending of a grievous game
Whose architect he can't forgive.
And yet someday in retrospect,
When wisdom takes the edge off blame,
He'll see how martyrs intersect
As catalysts so others live.

Goodbye Maddening Code (Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, Elton John / Bernie Taupin)

Desmond is my favorite character of LOST's third season. I love the guy. I just wish he hadn't killed Kelvin - and by extension, half the people on the plane... Of course, he didn't do it on purpose, and he certainly had plenty of reason to be upset with Kelvin, a brusque, sarcastic and hardened man who used torture, deception and betrayal to achieve his ends. But he seemed to have at least some concern for both Sayid and Desmond, and the fact that he quit the army because men followed his orders seemed to indicate that he felt guilty about something. So I think Kelvin - without whom Desmond might not have survived his shipwreck, though how he happened to find him when he had that button to worry about is an interesting question - was a decent guy despite his unethical plan to steal Desmond's boat and leave him alone to press the button. In this song, to the tune of Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, I imagine him having a crisis of conscience - albeit a very slight one - shortly before his fateful encounter with Desmond.

Goodbye Maddening Code

Desmond can stay underground;
Desmond provided my plan.
I hope he won't come to harm;
I hope his sailboat can reach dry land.

I know I can't fool him forever;
I just need a week or two.
I doubt Desmundo has the guts to open
That door to figure out just what I do.

So goodbye maddening code
From those Dharma Initiative clowns.
That Scot washed up on the shoreline;
I'm glad to have him around.

Being alone in the hatch was no good.
I'll let him carry my load.
So long 4; farewell 8; I'll eliminate
My bonds to maddening code.

I wonder what he'll do then.
I guess he might go insane.
I suppose that abandoning him is demonic;
I've sacrificed him for my gain.

Maybe he'll find a replacement,
Another poor sucker half-drowned.
Then he can run after Penny,
Stealing the boat that the schmuck ran aground.

So goodbye maddening code
From those Dharma Initiative clowns.
That Scot washed up on the shoreline;
I'm glad to have him around.

Being alone in the hatch was no good.
I'll let him carry my load.
So long 4; farewell 8; I'll eliminate
My bonds to maddening code.

The Box Man (The Boxer, Paul Simon)

As I eagerly await this week's Desmond flashback, I can't help composing yet another soliloquy by my favorite Scrooge-ish Scot. I say Scrooge not because he's a self-involved, greedy, bitter old man, but because, like Ebenezer Scrooge, he seemingly forfeited the joys of an epic romance because he felt he wasn't good enough for the woman he adored; it appears the harder he tries to prove himself worthy, the further he gets from what he really wants. He even got an otherworldly visitation showing him how happy he could have been, and he might as well have been only a regretful observer for as much as he changed in his past. His future is another story, however, and I really do hope that he and Penny are reunited eventually. Perhaps all his island heroics will have inflated his cripplingly low self-esteem by then, and he'll realize Penny doesn't need her father's blessing or his money to be happy. In any case, it seems appropriate to me that Desmond is so obsessed with Charles Dickens...

This little ramble, to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's The Boxer, is rooted in the season two finale, with the first two verses set on the evening when he and Locke first unknowingly interact with one another and the third during their dramatic lockdown.

The Box Man

I was such a poor boy,
But my heart would not be sold.
I have pondered my resistance
Since the day that I first tumbled
On the premises.

My trying quest
Made me land here and kill Kelvin here.
Has this all been a test?

I'm so far from home.
For a man to be
Left alone, denied his joy
Till his circumstances change,
Is cause for crying.
Drowned in ale,
I fume, "It isn't fair!"

Now I know, as I cower in the corner,
That this island's a snow globe.
All the other places vanished long ago.

Time to die. Time to just give up and die.
Time to die. Here with Dickens by my side, I'll give up and die.

I go leafing through the pages
Of my novel, and I'm sobbing as I discover
Penny's secret, tender words,
For what am I to do?

But my despair
Is cut short when I hear someone's voice
Resounding through the air.

I will try. I'll survive this if I try.
I will try. Don't know why, but from the sky came the will to try.

How I landed back here, no one knows.
I had the chance to roam, so I roamed,
But reality is bitter. Fate was leading me.
Needing me now is John.

Standing near me is the box man,
And he's acting quite deranged.
The poor man could not be blinder
If every light in this cursed room was shut off.
So I cry out
That it's real and I'm to blame:
"Please believe me, please believe me,
I'm the one who crashed your plane!

Not a lie! John, the button's not a lie.
Not a lie! We will die if you deny that it's not a lie.
John, the button's not a lie.
Not a lie! We will die if you deny that it's not a lie.
John, the button's not a lie.
Not a lie! We will die if you deny that it's not a lie.
John, the button's not a lie.
Not a lie! We will die if you deny that it's not a lie.
John, the button's not a lie.
Not a lie! We will die if you deny that it's not a lie.
John, the button's not a lie.
Not a lie! We will die if you deny that it's not a lie.
John, the button's not a lie.
Not a lie! We will die if you deny that it's not a lie.
John, the button's not a lie.
Not a lie! We will die if you deny that it's not a lie."