We're Staying With Jack (It's Not Over By Half, Joan Shelley)

Bernard: You said you'd never leave the Island, if you wanna go with Locke, I'll be right behind you.
Rose: I'm not going anywhere with that man.
- The Beginning of the End

I'm dipping my toes back into filking with Rose and Bernard, who might be my favorite couple on LOST but who have far too little time in the spotlight.  Joan Shelley's gently transcendent vocals and the sense of serene hope that pervades her beautiful ballad felt fitting for Rose's deeply spiritual nature and the way she acknowledges the darkness without letting it overtake her.

We're Staying With Jack

You took your shot, a guard with a gun.
The Others were scattered with your ammo.
And you've forgotten my mantra for you, hon.
You're a dentist, and you are not Rambo.

Oh, sweetie, why must you always do and not be?
For now I am healthy, and for now we are free.
Hurley's in pain, and he gave a good speech,
But if you ask me, he's made a big blunder.

Bernard, we're staying with Jack
'Cause the look in Locke's eyes makes me think he's a quack.
We follow him and we're on the wrong track.
No, we're not going; we're staying with Jack.

At Niagara Falls, with a timid grin,
You promised to love me through thick and through thin.
So although I had cancer, my heart sang a hymn
Thanking God that He got your attention.

Bernard, we're staying with Jack
'Cause the look in Locke's eyes makes me think he's a quack.
We follow him and we're on the wrong track.
No, we're not going; we're staying with Jack.

Here on this Island, I'm happy with you,
But rescue will bring us serenity, too.
Remission reversal may well ensue;
It won't matter, 'cause we'll be together.

Bernard, we're staying with Jack
'Cause the look in Locke's eyes makes me think he's a quack.
We follow him and we're on the wrong track.
No, we're not going; we're staying with Jack.

It's Not Over By Half

Bad Month (Bad Day, Daniel Powter)

"You're havin' a bad month." - John to Walt, Pilot, Part 2

"Vincent - I tethered him to a tree just over there. I know that Walt lost his mom. I thought that you should be the one to bring his dog back to him."- John to Michael, Tabula Rasa

For some reason, Michael and Walt are two characters I've neglected somewhat, but I love John's interaction with Walt in the pilot and his facilitation of his reunion with Vincent in Tabula Rasa.  I would imagine that, given how poorly he was parented, he is especially hopeful that Michael will give Walt the kind of love and guidance he himself so sorely needed.

Bad Month

Michael, I know what he’s missing the most,

And would you believe that I found what he lost?

I tethered his Lab up to that tree,

But credit for that won’t go to me.

It should be you who brings his dog.

You feel like your boy’s just a kid you don’t know;

As long as you try, you will learn as you go.

He needs a good dad, and you’ll do fine.

You’ll manage to make up for lost time.

It should be you who brings his dog

‘Cause he’s had a bad month.  He’s gotta feel down,

But he can stay strong since he has you around.

As long as he knows his dad’s on his side,

Your wandering child’s gonna take it in stride.

He’s had a bad month.  He watched his mom die.

Los Angeles bound, he was thrown from the sky.

He’s had a bad month.  He’s had a bad month.

Before he wakes up, just slip away.

Get Vincent and brighten up his day.

It should be you who brings his dog.

He’s had a bad month.  He’s gotta feel down,

But he can stay strong since he has you around.

As long as he knows his dad’s on his side,

Your wandering child’s gonna take it in stride.

He’s had a bad month.  He watched his mom die.

Los Angeles bound, he was thrown from the sky.

He’s had a bad month.  Oh, what a lousy month!

Sadly, a son can struggle and sink

If a parent he trusts is gone.

Before you make it back to L.A.,

He ought to know that you’re the one

He can count on.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So hurry and go, and I swear I won’t boast.

Just you and I

Will know how you found what was hopelessly lost.

‘Cause he’s had a bad month.  He’s gotta feel down,

But he can stay strong since he has you around.

As long as he knows his dad’s on his side,

Your wandering child’s gonna take it in stride.

He’s had a bad month.  He watched his mom die.

He met you and thought, “Who’s this guy?”

He’s had a bad month.  He had a bad month.

Had a bad month.  Had a bad month.  Had a bad month…

I've Got No Faith (I've Got No Strings, Leigh Harline / Ned Washington)

Jack: Don't. It's not real. Look, you want to push the button, you do it yourself.
Locke: If it's not real, then what are you doing here, Jack? Why did you come back? - Orientation

Here's a song involving John and Jack's argument down in the hatch at the end of Orientation, to the tune of Pinocchio's I've Got No Strings.  Jack finally gives in, but real faith doesn't come until much later... 


I’ve Got No Faith

Jack: I’ve got no faith in destiny.
I only trust what I can see.
You have faith, but luckily,
There is no faith in me.
   
Desmond was clearly cracked.
Nothing’s gonna happen, John.
This hatch would stay intact
Even if we all were gone.

John: You’ve got no faith?  Then tell me, Jack,
Why did you bother coming back?
Trust the film.  This job’s for two.
I know there’s faith in you.

Sayid: He has no faith, so let him be.
This argument is boring me.
Step aside, and I will do
What Jack refuses to.

Kate: You have no faith.  I’m with you there.
But this is giving me a scare.
Just in case the tape is true,
I’d push if I were you.

Jack: John, you’re a silly sheep.
Desmond didn’t have a clue.
John: Why won’t you take the leap? 
I believe, but I need you.

Alarm: BEEP! BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Jack: (pushes button) There’s still no faith in me!

Doing Construction (Eve of Destruction, Barry McGuire)

"Construction site coordinator. Uh... I'm not sure that's a good match." - Rose, The Substitute

John Locke is a man who knows what he wants, and he is not easily swayed from his position. But in The Substitute, Rose manages to cut through his hard-headedness and convince him to apply a little practicality. Here's Rose to the tune of Barry McGuire's Eve of Destruction.

Doing Construction

I look at you. You’re in a wheelchair.
Maybe you don’t think that we’ll care.
I understand your need for righteous zeal there.
I know when I object, you’ll flash an icy steel glare.
I’m ready to hear you yell that it doesn’t feel fair.
But I’ll tell you over and over and over again, my friend,
That I don’t think you are fit for doing construction.

You don’t need to mention your animal type.
I wouldn’t disagree that’s a load of tripe.
I will patiently wait while you sit here and gripe.
Though you don’t have much tact, I will cut you some slack.
You will never hear me mock your anguish, Mr. Locke,
But I’ll tell you over and over and over again, my friend,
That I don’t think you are fit for doing construction.

Oh, I know you’re mad, and you don’t want to hear it.
I don’t intend to break your spirit.
And purposelessness? You’re very right to fear it.
Still, this construction thing, if you venture near it,
Is not gonna work, so I hate to clear it.
But hey, sit-down jobs can also have merit.
I bet we’ll find something that is a clear fit.
And I’ll tell you over and over and over again, my friend,
That I don’t think you are fit for doing construction.

Just accept your lot. Yes, that is the answer.
It’s what I’ve had to learn since I was struck with cancer.
I know it’s your right to grumble and stew
And think of the things that you’d rather do,
But dwelling on your dreams won’t make them come true.
Don’t waste any more time. Find new goals to pursue.
Mr. Locke, it’s your life. I leave the choice up to you.
I’ll tell you over and over and over and over again, my friend,
I don’t think you are fit for doing construction.
No, no, I don’t think you are fit for doing construction.

Lookin' Like Locke (Crocodile Rock, Elton John / Bernie Taupin)

"John Locke was not a believer, Jack. He was a sucker." - Smokey, The Last Recruit

Here's another song directly addressing Smokey, this time to the tune of Elton John's Crocodile Rock.

Lookin’ Like Locke

I remember when LOST was young.
Your appearances were far-flung.
First you pulverized poor Seth.
Then you slaughtered Eko, and we all held our breath.
Every season’s brought another shock.
Your latest caper is lookin’ like Locke,
Stakin’ claims when you’re allowed the chance to talk.
You’re a demon who’s schemin’, but you’re lookin’ like Locke.

You’re Locke-lookin’
With malice cookin’
In your vile, amorphous brain.
You know, identity theft’s a crime
And your villainy is plain.
Watch out for karma!
It’s gonna bite.
The Candidates will set things right.
Locke-lookin’, but you won’t win the fight.

Nyah nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!

In the Island‘s Eye, what did John Locke spy?
Somebody who wanted to make sure he’d die.
He saw beauty in a frightening scene.
You call him a sucker, and that’s awfully mean,
But it’s accurate because your plot
Led at last to you lookin’ like Locke.
You’re harassed by your murky past
But really think that lookin’ like Locke’s a blast.

You’re Locke-lookin’
With malice cookin’
In your vile, amorphous brain.
You know, identity theft’s a crime
And your villainy is plain.
Watch out for karma!
It’s gonna bite.
The Candidates will set things right.
Locke-lookin’, but you won’t win the fight.

Nyah nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!

I remember when LOST was young.
Your appearances were far-flung.
First you pulverized poor Seth.
Then you slaughtered Eko, and we all held our breath.
Every season’s brought another shock.
Your latest caper is lookin’ like Locke,
Stakin’ claims when you’re allowed the chance to talk.
You’re a demon who’s schemin’, but you’re lookin’ like Locke.

You’re Locke-lookin’
With malice cookin’
In your vile, amorphous brain.
You know, identity theft’s a crime
And your villainy is plain.
Watch out for karma!
It’s gonna bite.
The Candidates will set things right.
Locke-lookin’, but you won’t win the fight.

Nyah nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nyah nah nah nah nyah...

(fadeout)

Find the Plants for Me (Take a Chance on Me, Benny Andersson / Björn Ulvaeus)

"Listen to me very carefully, John, because I'm not gonna have time to repeat this. You're gonna go into that greenhouse through that hole there. Once inside, you're gonna turn left. Go about 20 paces until you see a patch of Anthuriums on your left. They're in an alcove against the north wall. Face the wall, reach down with your left hand. You'll find a switch that activates the elevator. The elevator takes you down to the actual Orchid station." - Ben, There's No Place Like Home, Part 1

My dad is always giving me suggestions of songs to LOSTify, and today he mentioned ABBA's incredibly catchy Take a Chance on Me. That's one of those songs that just makes me grin from ear to ear when I hear it, so I knew I had to give it a shot. Here's Ben and John from the season four finale.

Find the Plants For Me

Ben: When you get inside, here’s a little guide
As to what you’ll see. Find the plants for me.
They are called Anthuriums. They’re against the wall.
Gonna have to hurry, John, ‘cause our window’s small.
There’ll be a switch that you’re gonna need to twitch.
Easy as can be. Find the plants for me.
Turn the elevator on. It’ll take you down.
Nothing left to wait for, John. Don’t you goof around.
Find the plants for me.
(John: Hey, Ben, you know this sounds crazy?)
Ben: Find the plants for me.

John: What about soldiers
Standing with rifles?
How do I avoid them?
Ben, you got me quakin’.
Am I mistaken?
Thought that we annoyed them.

Ben: John, you won’t get shot.
You worry about the plants.
I considered this in advance.
I’m ready.
I know that you think I’m nuts,
But show me you’ve got some guts.
Listen, don’t you scoff.
It’ll all pay off.

When you get inside, here’s a little guide
As to what you’ll see. Find the plants for me.
They are called Anthuriums. They’re against the wall.
Gonna have to hurry, John, ‘cause our window’s small.
There’ll be a switch that you’re gonna need to twitch.
Easy as can be. Find the plants for me.
Turn the elevator on. It’ll take you down.
Nothing left to wait for, John. Don’t you goof around.
Find the plants for me.
(John: Come on, you‘ll get me killed, won‘t you?)
Ben: Find the plants for me.

John: Give me one reason to trust you.
It would be unjust to
Throw me to the lions.
Though that would be rotten,
I’ve seen you plottin’.
You’d applaud my dyin’.

Ben: John, I give my vow,
Whatever that is worth,
That you’ve been primed from birth
To lead here.
Oh, yes, Richard yammered on,
“I hardly can wait for John!”
You will catch a break
For the Island’s sake.

When you get inside, here’s a little guide
As to what you’ll see. Find the plants for me.
They are called Anthuriums. They’re against the wall.
Gonna have to hurry, John, ‘cause our window’s small.
There’ll be a switch that you’re gonna need to twitch.
Easy as can be. Find the plants for me.
Turn the elevator on. It’ll take you down.
Nothing left to wait for, John. Don’t you goof around.

Listen, I’m a man with a master plan.
Easy as can be. Find the plants for me.
Turn the elevator on. It’ll take you down.
Nothing left to wait for, John. Don’t you goof around.

Listen, I’m a man who has got a master plan.
Easy as can be. Find the plants for me.
Turn the elevator on. It’ll take you down.
Nothing left to wait for, John. Don’t you goof around...

Hoffs-Drawlar (Hotel Caliifornia, Don Felder / Glenn Frey / Don Henley)

Funeral Director: My deepest condolences. Friend or family? Jack: Neither.
- Through the Looking Glass, Part 2

"If you do leave this place, the day may come when you want to return."
- Ben, King of the Castle


On LOST, few relationships are as complicated as the one between Jack and John. While his death brings the doctor to the brink of suicide, he can't even bring himself to identify himself as John's friend. Then again, it's hard to blame him... Here are some musings from Jack at the Hoffs-Drawlar funeral parlor in the third and fourth season finales, to the tune of the Eagles' Hotel California.

Hoffs-Drawlar

Saw your name in the paper.
I had to look twice.
I’d done too much boozing;
Maybe this was the price.
But I wasn’t mistaken.
Sometimes it stings to be right.
I made my mind up as the plane touched down.
I had to end it that night.

As I gazed at the pavement,
About to take the leap,
I felt a fierce inferno and
I heard a crunch and a scream and a beep.
Went to go play the hero
Because that’s what I do.
When I got out of the hospital,
I had to come see you.

I’m here, but I find it hard to mourn ya.
I will not pretend (I will not pretend) that I was your friend.
Sorry you’re dead, but it’s hard for me to mourn ya.
All you brought my life (all you brought my life) was a lot of strife.

You put a knife through Naomi.
I always blamed you for Boone.
You blathered on about a sacrifice...
What a goon!
You set off those explosives,
Scads of C-4.
The Flame was in flames and
The sub was no more.

All the while you insisted
I misunderstood.
You swore that every single thing you’d done was
For the Island’s good.
And when you wearied of telling me not to leave,
You encouraged the tangle of deceit
I went on to weave.

I’m here, but I find it hard to mourn ya.
I will not pretend (I will not pretend) that I was your friend.
Yeah, Jeremy Bentham, it’s hard for me to mourn ya,
With your pseudonym (with your pseudonym) and your vanished vim.

The man here informed me
That nobody else came.
Pathetic. You went out a bitter old man,
All alone and lame.
You said that we were special
And shared one common fate.
I think I might accept that now,
But I’ve found my faith too late.

Who lurks in the shadows?
Am I really seeing Ben,
And can I trust he’ll get me back
To the Island once again?
He once tried to warn me
Of the lesson I would learn:
“If you leave this place, the day may come
When you want to return.”

Hotel California

Take a Walkabout (We Can Work It Out, John Lennon / Paul McCartney)

"You know what you need, Mr. Locke? You need to go on a walkabout."
- Abaddon, Cabin Fever

Matthew Abaddon is one of LOST's more enigmatic characters. He works for Widmore, and in his first couple of appearances, he seemed pretty creepy. But in his interactions with John Locke, he's undeniably helpful. Certainly he nudged him in the right direction in Cabin Fever. Here's a song from Abaddon's perspective, to the tune of the Beatles' We Can Work It Out.

Take a Walkabout

Try to have some hope now.
You may think you’re sunk, but Mr. Locke, don’t give up yet.
If you sit and mope now,
Then instead of healing you will simply stay upset.

Take a walkabout.
Take a walkabout.

Think about a journey.
Go into the Outback and discover who you are.
Now, before you spurn me,
Let me tell you, it’s done me a world of good so far.

Take a walkabout.
Take a walkabout.

Look here, Mr. Locke.
You crushed your spine
But you had the strength to survive.
One day you will walk.
You need a sign?
How ‘bout the fact that you’re alive?

Try to have some hope now.
Anything is possible, and miracles are real.
If you sit and mope now,
You could miss the chance to make some good of your ordeal.

Take a walkabout.
Take a walkabout.

Look here, Mr. Locke.
You crushed your spine
But you had the strength to survive.
One day you will walk.
You need a sign?
How ‘bout the fact that you’re alive?

Try to have some hope now.
I believe not only will you walk, but you will run.
Don’t you sit and mope now.
You will see, and when we meet again, you’ll owe me one.

Take a walkabout.
Take a walkabout.

John Locke's Body (John Brown's Body, Traditional)

"I don't understand. If this is Locke... who's in there?" 
- Sun, The Incident


John Locke has suffered a great many indignities on LOST, not the least of which involves his imitation by a nefarious entity. Here's a ditty to the tune of Pete Seeger's version of John Brown's Body in which various folks outside contemplate the mystery before them. In the last verse, "John Locke" confronts Jacob and offers an answer.

John Locke’s Body

Sun: John Locke’s body lies a-sprawlin’ in the sand.
John Locke’s body lies a-sprawlin’ in the sand.
John Locke’s body lies a-sprawlin’ in the sand.
So who’s in there with Ben?

Ilana: In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
Will evil rise again?

Frank: They knocked me out and brought me with the dead guy in the box.
They knocked me out and brought me with the dead guy in the box.
They knocked me out and brought me with the dead guy in the box.
So who’s in there with Ben?

Ilana: In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
Will evil rise again?

Richard: When John walked into camp, he seemed a little off to me,
But I had waited fifty years to follow his decree,
And so I overlooked the artificiality.
So who’s in there with Ben?

Ilana: In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
Will evil rise again?

Bram: Well, that crate was really heavy, and we carried it all day.
That crate was really heavy, and we carried it all day.
That crate was really heavy, and we carried it all day.
So who’s in there with Ben?

Ilana: In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
Will evil rise again?

Smokey: Remember when I told you that I’d find a loophole, friend?
Since the two of us showed up here, you must know what we intend.
Forget your talk of progress; now at last we’re at the end.
It’s me in here with Ben.

Ilana: In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
Will evil rise again?

Sawyer's Threat (Good Luck Charm, Aaron Schroeder / Wally Gold)

"You harm so much as one hair on his curly head... I'll kill you."
- Sawyer, The Shape of Things to Come


The Shape of Things to Come is one of my all-time least favorite episodes of LOST, but I love the scene in which Sawyer demonstrates such concern for Hurley's well-being. Here he addresses John to the tune of Elvis Presley's Good Luck Charm.

Sawyer’s Threat

Beware, and John, prepare to die!

Don’t want him on your mission.
Why did he say he’d go?
I can’t force him to change his course,
But I think you ought to know

You’d better not intend to do him harm
Because I won’t be shy.
Yeah, if you harm one hair
Upon his head, beware,
And John (and John), prepare (prepare) to die!

I never heard of Jacob.
How can he help us now?
But what the heck? Go and take your trek.
Just don’t forget my vow.

You’d better not intend to do him harm
Because I won’t be shy.
Yeah, if you harm one hair
Upon his head, beware,
And John (and John), prepare (prepare) to die!
Beware (beware), and John (and John), prepare to die!
And John (and John), prepare (prepare) to die!

See, Hugo’s a better buddy
Than either of us has earned.
They broke the mold with his heart of gold,
So don’t let him get burned.

You’d better not intend to do him harm
Because I won’t be shy.
Yeah, if you harm one hair
Upon his head, beware,
And John (and John), prepare (prepare) to die!
Beware (beware), and John (and John), prepare (prepare) to die.
And John (and John), prepare (prepare) to die!

The Island and Me (Alaska and Me, John Denver)

The last couple of seasons of LOST have not been so kind to John Locke. Nonetheless, his troubles as a result of the Island have not diminished my exultation in his joy upon finding the Island in the first place. Here's a reflection by him to the tune of John Denver's Alaska and Me.

The Island and Me

When I was a child, a strange man came to see me.
He spoke of a school where special kids stay.
And he gave me a test, but when he found me a failure,
He packed his bag and strode swiftly away.

Well, the next few years burdened me with boatloads of bullies
Who stuffed me into lockers and shoved me aside.
But when I heard a science camp awaited in Portland,
I derided the summons to salvage my pride.

Here's to the Island. Here’s to amazement.
Here’s to enjoying just jubilee.
Here's to embracing deferred destiny.
Here's to the Island and me.

I was born to a teen in the city of Tustin,
Raised as an orphan, so unmoored and alone
And aware of the void that was left by my father.
I swore that I’d find him one day when I’d grown.

But he couldn’t give me the purpose I longed for.
He tricked me and crushed me, and he splintered my spine,
And I wound up a chump getting chewed out by Randy.
How could I know glory soon would be mine?

Here's to the Island. Here’s to amazement.
Here’s to enjoying just jubilee.
Here's to embracing deferred destiny.
Here's to the Island and me.

Now, as I stand with my face to the rain,
I see my life led me straight to that plane.
Oh, I was in bondage, but now I am free.
Here’s to the Island and me.

Here's to the Island. Here’s to amazement.
Here’s to enjoying just jubilee.
Here's to embracing deferred destiny.
Here's to the Island and me.
Oh, here’s to the Island and me.

John Locke (Gaston, Alan Menken / Howard Ashman)

The first LOST filksong I ever wrote involves many of the characters discussing their backstories and Island experiences. The second has John bragging about how great he is. So I thought, for my 100th LOST song, it would be fitting to do a song in which a whole bunch of characters sing about how great John was. About 20 characters (many of them long dead) get in on the action here, to the tune of Alan Menken and Howard Ashman's Gaston, from Beauty and the Beast. Cheers!

John Locke

Ben: How it confused me to see you, John Locke,
Looking so lost and depressed.
Everything was “destiny” to John Locke,
Sure to work out for the best.
I always had failed to unnerve you before;
I now wonder why I would try.
Oddly, I long to preserve you now, for
To impress me, John, you had to die.

Smokey: No one’s been, like John Locke,
Made a twin like John Locke.
Kate: No one’s pulled off an orange-peel grin like John Locke.
Desmond: Oh, his skills with a blade were just scary.
Hurley: Dude, he undid my canteen!
Sun: Though I know his head wasn’t too hairy,
‘Twas the shiniest specimen I’ve ever seen.

Smokey: No one’s used like John Locke
And abused like John Locke.
Jack: No one “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”s like John Locke.
Smokey: No one else is as primed for manipulation.
I miss that guy, that John Locke.

Ben: A man of faith,
Of firm belief.
Richard: John Locke truly sought,
And I thought he’d be a chief.

Boone: No one’s charred as John Locke,
Had it hard as John Locke.
Shannon: No one’s face is as eerily scarred as John Locke.
Sayid: Yes, he went through a number of tussles.
Christian: He got shot and he shattered his leg.
Rose: But he had such miraculous muscles.
Sawyer: Darn right!
If brawn were a brew, then he drank a whole keg.

Jin: No one knots like John Locke,
Claire: Swaddles cloths like John Locke.
Charlie: No one makes metaphors about moths like John Locke.
Claire: No one else is as crafty at crib creation.
I owe a lot to John Locke.

Eko: No other man could have seemed quite so sincere
When he quietly said, “I was wrong.”
Walt: He always respected me when I was here.
All: Oh, it’s clear he’s earned this little song.

Jacob: I attest that John Locke
Was my guest, and John Locke
Never needed to doubt he was blessed as John Locke.
I agree his life merits a celebration.

All: I miss that guy, John Locke!

Crazytown (The Orange and the Green, traditional)

"What about you? You wanna stay here in Crazytown or help me rescue the geek?" - Sawyer, Jughead

LOST's book-loving Sawyer is a natural-born storyteller. I had fun last year wriitng a parody in which he recounts his experience in LaFleur, and this is the same basic idea, but instead it's The Lie and Jughead, and it's addressed specifically to Juliet, to the tune of the Irish Rovers' version of The Orange and the Green. (Hat-tip to Amanda at GritFX, who partly inspired this one with one of her awesome designs.)

Crazytown

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

While we sat there on the shoreline,
Just regrouping with the rest,
We saw a flaming arrow
Hittin’ Frogurt in the chest.
Well, of course, we ran for cover;
I yelled, “Meet at the creek!”
And we got separated from
The redhead and the geek.

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

I guess it wasn’t quite so smart
To give away our mark.
Yeah, it would’ve worked out better
If we’d kept ‘em in the dark.
Well, thank goodness for the Colonel.
Yes, I bless his big bald head,
For if not for him and his huge knife,
We’d probably be dead.

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

We asked the hothead Others
About where they came from.
You busted out the Latin,
And I felt a little dumb.
But not as dumb as Rambo,
Who went to talk to Rick
While Dan was bein’ death marched.
Oh, it kinda made me sick.

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

You saw her with a rifle
Aimed right at Faraday
And offered, “Hey, why don’t we all
Just put our guns away?”
Your voice was calm and quiet,
But you still were firm enough
To rattle Miss Attila
And to prove to me you’re tough.

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

Well, just then we flashed through time again,
And she whizzed out of sight.
But Blondie, you’ve got chutzpah
And I guess that you’re all right.
I thought that back with Freckles,
My love life hit a peak,
But now I see you with new eyes
Since we rescued the geek.

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

Well, I Certainly Hope You Help Him (Heaven on Their Minds, Andrew Lloyd Webber / Tim Rice)

"Well, I certainly hope he helps you, John!"
- Ben, The Man Behind the Curtain

LOST has been inviting plenty of comparisons between Ben Linus and Judas Iscariot, so I suppose it was only a matter of time before I busted out the weathered copy of 1973's Jesus Christ Superstar. Here's a rant from Ben on what was probably the most miserable birthday of his life - and that's really saying something - to the tune of Heaven on Their Minds.

Well, I Certainly Hope You Help Him

He heard you clearly there.
“Help me,”
You implored
As I stared
At that old
Rocking chair.
I’m the leader here,
But I
Didn’t hear
As I stared
At that old
Rocking chair.

Jacob!
You wanna fire me?
Come tell me so yourself,
And not by sending things
Cascading from the shelf!

For one time in your life,
Why can’t you just be frank?
After all I’ve done for you,
Here’s how you say thanks?

Listen, Jacob,
Who needs him anyway?
Way to drop this bomb on my own birthday!
Way to tell me
My years of servitude were a waste.
You know, I have questions too,
But I would not barge in on you.
I don’t get why you’d reward his haste.

I remember when I first saw your face -
Wait, no, I don’t, since that never took place!
You appoint me
But never let me look you in the eye.
I always believed that you exist
Though you’re as murky as the mist.
I had faith in you, and now I fry.

Did you see his hissy fit?
Let me clue you in a bit.
Threw a tantrum like a tot.
Who would’ve thought?
Can you tell that makes me mad?
Bet he didn’t kill his dad.
Bet he fobbed it off on James.
Him and his games!

Listen, Jacob, is it too much to hope
That you’ll stop treating me like a dope?
I have lived for you,
But I have no idea who you are!
Say a word or two to me.
Just show me that one courtesy.
I’ve been patient and sincere so far.
Oh, but just so far!

Listen, Jacob, you know I’m on your team.
I’m exhausted, though, and just want to scream.
Can you blame me if I want to see to it his life goes dim?
Though he’s still consumed by doubt,
You ask him to help you out.
Well, I certainly hope you help him.
Yes, I hope you help him.
Oh… Oh…

Listen, Jacob, you know I’m on your team.
All your secrecy with me makes me scream.
So come on, come on… you won’t listen to me now.
Ah… Ah…
Come on, listen, listen to me.
Come on, listen to me now.
Ah…
Come on, listen to me.
Listen, listen to me.
Oh… Oh…
Come on, listen to me. Listen to me...

Give Them Life (All This Joy, John Denver)

LOST is chock-full of fascinating characters. But if I had to pinpoint the four most important, at least of those we've known from the very first season, I'd have to go with Jack, Sawyer, Hurley and John. Here's a little dialogue between head writers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse and viewers, to the tune of John Denver's All This Joy.

Give Them Life

Darlton: This is Jack.
This is Sawyer.
This is Hurley.
This is John.

He’s a doc.
He’s a conman.
He’s a rich man.
He’s a chump.

Pity poor Jack.
Pity poor Sawyer.
Pity poor Hurley.
Pity poor John.

He lacks faith.
He lacks scruples.
He lacks self-worth.
He lacks life.

Viewers: Please save Jack.
Please save Sawyer.
Please save Hurley
And please save John.

Just give him faith.
Give him scruples.
Give him self-worth.
Give him life.

Darlton: We’ll save Jack.
We’ll save Sawyer.
We’ll save Hurley.
We’ll save John.

He’ll find faith.
He’ll find scruples.
He’ll find self-worth.
He’ll find life.

They’ll have self-worth.
They’ll have life.

John Locke in the Rain (Brown Girl in the Ring, Traditional)

One of my favorite images from LOST is the iconic shot of John Locke on the beach, giddy as he gets drenched in his first rainstorm on the Island. His curious relationship with rain continues throughout the series. Here's a cheerful ditty about why John is so happy to get soaked, to the tune of Boney M.'s Brown Girl in the Ring.

John Locke in the Rain

John Locke in the rain,
Grinning at the sky.
John Locke in the rain.
What a happy fella!
John Locke in the rain.
Not sure how or why,
But he knows just when it’s gonna stop.
To the drop!

Miracles happen.
Yes, indeed, they do!
Oh, yes, miracles happen.
He’ll tell Walt about it.
Miracles happen.
He has been renewed
And he knows just when it’s gonna stop.
To the drop!

He was in a wheelchair.
Suddenly he walks instead.
He was in a wheelchair.
Suddenly he walks instead.

Does he know, had Jacob not been there,
He would probably now be dead?
Does he know, had Jacob not been there,
He would probably now be dead?

Miracle. Yes, it’s a miracle.

John Locke in the rain,
Grinning at the sky.
Yes, it’s John Locke in the rain.
What a happy fella!
John Locke in the rain.
Not sure how or why,
But he knows just when it’s gonna stop.
To the drop!

Miracles happen.
Yes, indeed they do!
Oh, yes, miracles happen.
He’ll tell Walt about it.
Miracles happen.
He has been renewed
And he knows just when it’s gonna stop.
To the drop!

He was in a wheelchair.
Suddenly he walks instead.
Does he know, had Jacob not been there,
He would probably now be dead?

Miracle. Yes, it’s a miracle.

John Locke in the rain,
Grinning at the sky.
It’s John Locke in the rain.
What a happy fella!
John Locke in the rain.
Not sure how or why,
But he knows just when it’s gonna stop.
To the drop!

He was in a wheelchair.
Suddenly he walks instead.
He was in a wheelchair.
Suddenly he walks instead.

John Locke in the rain,
Grinning at the sky.
John Locke in the rain.
What a happy fella!
John Locke in the rain.
Not sure how or why,
But he knows just when it’s gonna stop.
To the drop!

Don't Tell Me What I Can't Do! (I Don't Mind If I Do, Traditional)

"Don't tell me what I can't do!"
- John, Walkabout

If there's one word I associate with LOST's John Locke, it's "destiny," but if there's one phrase, it's "Don't tell me what I can't do!" Here's a song reflecting that, to the tune of the Irish Rovers' I Don't Mind If I Do.

Don’t Tell Me What I Can’t Do!

You asked me to tell you my favorite phrase,
The one I’ll repeat to the end of my days,
The one that’s stuck with me like paper to glue.
It’s the seven words “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man.

My name is John Locke, and a hunter am I.
Some say I’m a farmer, but that is a lie.
When someone suggests it, I give him a clue
When I counter with, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man.

When I was a scrawny teen struggling through school,
My professor said, “Listen, John. Don’t be a fool.
You’re meant for this science camp. Sports aren’t for you.”
But I yelled at him, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man.

I wanted to discover who my long-lost dad was.
They found him but said to me, “Don’t think because
You share the same blood that he’ll care about you.”
But I shouted back, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man.

Well, I met with a woman who thought I was grand,
And I was about to ask her for her hand.
She said, “Drop your dad; he’ll just hurt you anew.”
So I had to cry, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man.

In need of renewal and fully prepared,
I set off for a walkabout, but one of them dared
To say that my wheels were a problem. On cue,
I lashed out with, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man.

Now I’m on the Island and I’ve been reborn.
I'm no longer a loser, no longer forlorn.
If you think of crossing me, let me review:
I will always say, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man.
No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man!

My Old Man's a Conman (My Old Man's a Dustman, Lonnie Donegan)

One thing we're learning on LOST is that John Locke has been manipulated many times throughout his life. But he's also manipulated others, as when he got Sawyer to kill Anthony Cooper for him. John didn't explain a thing to him beforehand. If he had, I imagine his explanation would have gone something like this, to the tune of Lonnie Donegan's My Old Man's a Dustman, as performed by the Irish Rovers. (Somehow I mixed up the last two verses when I wrote this; I guess the fourth verse always seemed more like a conclusion to me than the fifth. And I like the ending I've got, so the last two don't quite match up with the recording...)

My Old Man’s a Conman

Now, here’s a little story of many nasty shocks
That ended with my father arriving in a box.
I come to you now wiser. Richard clued me in.
We have a common rival, James. Let’s see… Where do I begin?

Oh, my old man’s a conman. He went by Sawyer too.
Can’t bring myself to kill him, so I'll just leave it up to you.
You’re capable of murder and you’ve searched for him so long.
Fulfilling your oath would help us both. Tell me, how could that be wrong?

When he and I first met, James, he led me to believe
He wanted to befriend me, but I was just naïve.
I gladly gave my kidney, for it seemed like destiny.
But when I went to see him next, he wouldn’t talk to me!

Oh, my old man’s a conman. He went by Sawyer too.
Can’t bring myself to kill him, so I'll just leave it up to you.

Now, though he had betrayed me, I mourned him when he died,
But then I spotted a parked car, and there he was inside.
He told me that he’d wronged me, and he almost seemed sincere -
Till he used me yet again! The outcome was severe.

Oh, my old man’s a conman. He went by Sawyer too.
Can’t bring myself to kill him, so I'll just leave it up to you.

I found some dirt on him one day and told him what I knew.
He said that my suspicions were unfounded and untrue.
I stood there by the window and almost bought his line -
(spoken) Then, James, he pushed me out, shattering my spine!

My old man’s a conman. He went by Sawyer too.
Can’t bring myself to kill him, so I'll just leave it up to you.

Now, my old man’s a conman who, one time long ago,
Seduced a lovely lady, James, and he took her husband’s dough.
(spoken) That fella was your dad.
He learned about the con
And shot his wife and shot himself and…
(spoken) James, need I go on?

Oh, my old man’s a conman. He went by Sawyer too.
Can’t bring myself to kill him, so I'll just leave it up to you.
It’s thanks to this same conman your life has been oh so sad.
So, sure as my name’s John, then, you’re meant to kill my dad!

Eulogy... (I'm Sorry, John Denver)

In The Substitute, LOST provided one of my absolute favorite scenes of the series, one that was simultaneously among the saddest, most touching and funniest scenes thus far. I'm talking about John Locke's funeral, and Ben's heartfelt, albeit slightly petulant, eulogy (and Frank's subsequent assessment that probably echoed the thoughts of many viewers). I think that spending a couple of days with Fake Locke made him appreciate Real Locke much more deeply, and realize that Jacob was right all along about his being special. The eulogy takes on an even sweeter edge when you consider the Sideways storyline, especially if you believe as I do that the Flash Sideways are actually Flash Forwards. Here's my take on that tender moment, to the tune of John Denver's I'm Sorry.

Eulogy (by Ben for John at the Weirdest Funeral Frank’s Ever Been To)

Ben: It’s strange to feel this pity,
This sorrow and remorse.
Maybe I will recover from this in due course.
Knowing that you were chosen,
Knowing that I was not,
Knowing that I reacted like a sulky snot.

I’m sorry I was not a true believer.
I’m sorry I manipulated you.
I’m sorry, now that you’re gone,
I was so petty, John.
You were a victim too.

I’m just so lost without you;
I guess I need a foil.
It feels like I’m the one who’s lying steeped in soil.
I dreamed of you dying;
Now the moment’s come.
It seems more like a nightmare, and I’m nearly numb.

I’m sorry I shot you in the jungle.
I’m sorry that I choked you with a cord.
I’m sorry, now that you’re gone,
I was so petty, John.
I wish your life could be restored.

Frank: This is the weirdest funeral I've been to in all my life.
This is the weirdest funeral, I swear.

Ben: I’m sorry, for you were a kindred spirit.
I’m sorry that I brought about your end.
I’m sorry, now that you’re gone,
I was so petty, John.
I should have been your friend.

Just Because He's John (Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, Richard & Robert Sherman)

As of the season five finale of LOST, Ben Linus appears to be a very broken man. While I hated Ben's ultimate actions in his last scene of The Incident, his frustration seems understandable. Here's his little rant to Jacob to the tune of the Sherman Brothers' Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Just Because He’s John

So, just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses.
Following you hasn’t really been a bed of roses.
What about me, Jacob? Can’t you see why I oppose this?
Just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses!

I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.
I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.
I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.
I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.

I longed to be your lackey when I was a lonely lad.
My final test of loyalty was killing my own dad.
I shivered as he shuddered and the blood poured out his nose,
But, sure that you would love me more, said, “That’s the way it goes.”

But just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses.
Following you hasn’t really been a bed of roses.
What about me, Jacob? Can’t you see why I oppose this?
Just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses!

I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.
I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.
I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.
I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.

Those lists and the instructions Richard handed down to me...
I did what I was told to and I waited patiently.
Though John was in a wheelchair, he came here, and he was fine;
My service was rewarded with a tumor on my spine.

For just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses.
Following you hasn’t really been a bed of roses.
What about me, Jacob? Can’t you see why I oppose this?
Just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses!

I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.
I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.

[Spoken] Jacob: Benjamin... whatever he's told you, I want you to understand one thing. You have a choice.
Ben: What “choice”?

For more than 30 years, I went along with all your plans.
You banished me and left my daughter’s murder on my hands.
It’s clear now that you’ve never cared for me in all my life.

[Spoken] Well, here goes, then.

You couldn’t just apologize, so now you get the knife!

[Spoken] I would fight back if I were you...

Oh, just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses!
Just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses!
Just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses!
Just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses!