Casualties Are Common (Apples and Bananas, Traditional)

On LOST, characters have a nasty habit of dying off - some of them more than once. Here's a little ditty about that to the tune of Raffi's Apples and Bananas.

Casualties Are Common

Alas, on LOST, LOST, LOST, casualties are common.
Alas, on LOST, LOST, LOST, casualties are common.

They got gunned down, down, down, Shannon, Dan and Libby.
They got gunned down, down, down, Shannon, Dan and Libby.

Somebody stabbed, stabbed, stabbed Lennon and Naomi.
Somebody stabbed, stabbed, stabbed Lennon and Naomi.

The Monster smoked, smoked, smoked Seth, Montand and Eko.
The Monster smoked, smoked, smoked Seth, Montand and Eko.

They went ka-boom, boom, boom, Leslie and Ilana.
They went ka-boom, boom, boom, Leslie and Ilana.

Who’s going next, next, next? Candidates, be careful!
Who’s going next, next, next? Candidates, be careful!

That Dynamite (Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting, Elton John / Bernie Taupin)

"Um... I don't know if that's a good idea. I mean, for one thing, that stuff's really unstable..." - Hurley, Everybody Loves Hugo

Hurley has seen first-hand the danger of unstable dynamite. Here he issues a warning to Ilana, to the tune of Elton John's Saturday Night's All Right for Fighting.

That Dynamite

So Richard said that we’d all be dead
Unless he could destroy the plane.
I think he’s in shock, and I wanna talk,
‘Cause it’s hard to see what we would gain.
Those sticks you’re loading have a good chance of exploding
Long before we intend them to.
Our luck will decrease if you’re not in one piece -
And cease altogether for you.

Well, don’t wanna be like a broken record.
I gotta give a warning, though.
That dynamite is mighty flighty.
Any second it could blow.
Maybe if you’d got a little Arzt on you,
Then you would admit I’m right,
‘Cause that dynamite’s a fright’ning sight.
Bump it and it’s goodnight, goodnight, goodnight.
Trust me, it’s true.

I can see that you’re back, and in your pack
You’ve gathered what we need for this attack.
But you do it and our mode of transportation’s gone,
And we’re stuck here on this Island still with phony John.
Ilana, think it over before we leave.
Don’t you have something less destructive up your sleeve?
Are you looking for trouble? Well, you found it. Yes,
You use that stuff, it’ll only make a mess.

Well, don’t wanna be like a broken record.
I gotta give a warning, though.
That dynamite is mighty flighty.
Any second it could blow.
Maybe if you’d got a little Arzt on you,
Then you would admit I’m right,
‘Cause that dynamite’s a fright’ning sight.
Bump it and it’s goodnight, goodnight, goodnight.
Trust me, it’s true.

No, don’t wanna be like a broken record.
I gotta give a warning, though,
‘Cause that dynamite is mighty flighty.
Any second it could blow.
Maybe if you’d got a little Arzt on you,
Then you would admit I’m right,
‘Cause that dynamite’s a fright’ning sight.
Bump it and it’s goodnight, goodnight, goodnight.
Trust me, it’s true.

Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Say goodnight!

Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Say goodnight!

Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite.
Say goodnight!

Dr. Linus (Mrs. Crandall's Boardinghouse, George and Will Millar / Wilcil McDowell)

"Linus, you're a real killer!"
 - Arzt, Dr. Linus

LOST has a wonderful way of bringing back minor characters in surprising ways. Dr. Leslie Arzt is one guy who's had a surprisingly large role in the sixth season, considering the fact that he blew up back in season one. Here, to the tune of the Irish Rovers' Mrs. Crandall's Boardinghouse, he gets to air our a few complaints as Dr. Benjamin Linus listens patiently.

Dr. Linus

In the science lab I teach in,
The equipment’s decades old.
I am desperate for some aprons,
But they cost too much, I’m told.
Mr. Reynolds has the power here.
Mr. Reynolds is a jerk.
Mr. Reynolds makes me suspect
I need a new line of work.

Look at you, Dr. Linus!
You seemed so docile until
You mentioned your plan
To bring down The Man.
Linus, you’re a killer!

Well, if I pull off this surveillance,
I require a little fee.
This could get me into trouble,
So I’d best consider carefully.
I would like a good spot, Linus,
By the shady maple tree -
But beside it and not under,
So my car will be leaf-free.

Look at you, Dr. Linus!
You seemed so docile until
You mentioned your plan
To bring down The Man.
Linus, you’re a killer!

I can’t believe what I am hearing.
What about our clever coup?
Put myself on the line for a reason.
I thought I could depend on you.
Listen, Linus, you misled me.
Now I’m right back at Square One.
It’ll be a long, long time now
Before my complaining will be done.

Look at you, Dr. Linus!
You seemed so docile until
You mentioned your plan
To bring down The Man.
Linus, you’re a killer!

Mrs. Crandall's Boardinghouse

Flaming Arrows (Burning Bridges, Lalo Schifrin)

One of my all-time favorite movie theme songs is Burning Bridges, from Kelly's Heroes. Here's a little dying rant from LOST's Neil, aka Frogurt, whose run on the show was as brief as it was bizarre...

Flaming Arrows

Scott - or was it Steve? Heck, even I don’t really know -
Took a fatal dose of Ethan several weeks ago.
Leslie got himself blown up into a billion bits.
This Minor Player status is the pits.

All the flaming arrows that came whizzing through the trees,
All the faded glory of my frogurt fantasies,
All the trials I endured away from prying eyes.
Flaming arrows! One more redshirt dies.

Had my eye on Libby, who was pretty as could be.
Figured she’d be happy to take a chance on me.
Well, Tubby got there first, though why she liked him, I can’t say.
Stuck with him, and she got blown away.

All the flaming arrows that came whizzing through the trees,
All the faded glory of my frogurt fantasies,
All the trials I endured away from prying eyes.
Flaming arrows! One more redshirt dies.

Nikki and poor Paolo got the short end of the stick.
No one ever really cared too much what made them tick.
It’s no surprise my number’s up. I guess I always knew.
I hope that Bernie somehow makes it through.

All the flaming arrows that came whizzing through the trees,
All the faded glory of my frogurt fantasies,
All the trials I endured away from prying eyes.
Flaming arrows! One more redshirt dies.
Flaming arrows! One more redshirt dies.

Bye, Australia! (Sing Australia, John Denver)

My very first LOST parody was a group song, but I've only had a few let's-get-as-many-characters-involved-as-we-can-style parodies. I figured it was time for another one. Here's one that crams in 30 815 passengers, I think; most have a line, some are mentioned by others. To the tune of John Denver's Sing Australia, this imagines their thoughts en route to L. A. (in the original timeline).

Bye, Australia!

Hurley: I came to Australia to break the Numbers curse.
Jack: I came to find my father; didn’t think I would need a hearse.
Boone: Came to help my step-sister.
Arzt: Came here for a date.
John: I came for a walkabout; I was four years too late.

Rose: We were here on our honeymoon.
Bernard: I came to help her heal.
Nikki: I arrived as an actress but I found some gems to steal.
Charlie: Liam is on my black list since he won’t revive the band.
Kate: Maybe I’ll find some way to lose the Marshal when we land.

Hurley: I’m unlucky.
Kate: I am plucky.
Jack: I’m a surgeon of great renown.
Charlie: I’m a druggie.
John: I had a purpose, but Australia let me down.

Michael: Walt is my son, but I bet I’m a lousy dad.
Sawyer: Killed a guy I didn’t know; now I’m feelin’ bad.
Sun: Do I still love my husband?
Jin: Could Sun still be in love with me?
Neil: Excuse me while I dream of a frogurt factory.

Sayid: Will Nadia embrace me when we meet again at last?
Shannon: I made my brother chase me.
Eko: I have a sordid past.
Gary: I hope Bad Twin’s a winner.
Steve: I’ll go by Scott someday.
Claire: I’m scared to see this couple waiting in L. A.

Sawyer: I’m a killer.
Gary: Wrote a thriller.
Sayid: I am headed for my true love.
Claire: Funny how it all seems so tiny when we’re watching from above.

Cindy: Bye, Australia!
Paolo: Bye, Australia!
Ana Lucia: Bye, Australia!
Libby: Bye, Australia!

Seth: Folks, I hope your belts are buckled,
‘Cause this plane is goin’ down!

Sing Australia