What Will You Tell Her? (This Night, Billy Joel / Ludwig Van Beethoven)

"This woman - when she asks you what you did to be with her again... what will you tell her?" - Desmond, The Last Recruit

Probably my favorite single scene in The Last Recruit is the encounter between Sayid and Desmond at the well. Like everyone else I've consulted, I'm convinced that Sayid let Desmond live. They were friends, after all, and Desmond can be pretty persuasive... Here's Desmond in that scene to the tune of Billy Joel's This Night.

What Will You Tell Her?

Brother, I think
You ought to give me a reason
If you intend on
Shooting me in cold blood.
I was your friend,
And so this murder is treason.
Will you stand by as I die
Like a dog in the mud?

Brother, if love
Is your professed motivation,
If you believe
He can restore the one you lost,
You’re a naive
Victim of manipulation.
Will you obey? First I pray
You’ll consider the cost.

Should she return,
And should she want to learn
What you did to be with her again,
Sayid, what will you tell her?

Under your gaze,
Penny and I reunited.
You saved my mind;
Now let me help preserve your soul.
Brother, you’re blind -
Or you are sadly short-sighted.
Where will you run after gunning me
Down in this hole?

What will you say
To get relief from your conscience?
Will you confess,
Hoping that she will understand?
Will you address
This risen woman with nonsense,
Knowing you’d chill her by killing
An innocent man?

Should she return,
And should she want to learn
What you did to be with her again,
Sayid, what will you tell her?

Should she return,
And should she want to learn
What you did just to be with her again,
Sayid, what will you tell her?

Sayid... Oh...
If you do this to be with her again,
Sayid, what will you tell her?

This Night

Tell Me About It (Tell Her About It, Billy Joel)

"Is there something you wanna tell me?"
- Miles, Recon

Miles and Sawyer are two of LOST's most abrasive characters. Both of them have used verbal acuity to belittle others and to obscure the truth. But once the two of them have teamed up, they expect a little bit more out of each other. Here's a song from Miles, lecturing Sawyer in Recon to the tune of Billy Joel's Tell Her About It.

Tell Me About It

Listen, Jim, don’t wanna bug ya,
But I’m worried about you.
You know, you’d like to think you’re good at hiding things,
But that just isn’t true.
I’m your buddy, Jim, and if you are in a bind,
You should let me know whatever is on your mind.

Hey, listen, I’ve known you too long
To buy the act you’re pulling now,
And whoever this guy Cooper is,
He’s got ya riled up somehow.
And I don’t believe that you saw him in Palm Springs
Or you’re calling him so he can pull some strings.

Tell me about it. Tell me why you’re tied in knots.
Jim, I’m a detective, so I can connect the dots.
Tell me about it, ‘cause you sure aren’t foolin’ me.
I’ve got noble reasons to give you the third degree.

Listen, Jim. You’d like to think
That you’re as solid as a rock.
But you’re not alone, so please take advantage
Of the chance you have to talk.
It’s a big relief to get things off your chest.
That’s the reason I am being such a pest.

Tell me about it. Would that really be so hard?
You would feel much better if you’d just let down your guard.
Tell me about it. Tell me where you went last week.
Jim, it makes me nervous that you’re being such a sneak.

I’m gonna go and run your credit card.
Yeah, it’s paranoid, but I’m at my wit’s end,
And our relationship’s already marred
If you can’t just tell the truth to your best friend.

Listen, Jim. No room for secrets
In a proper partnership.
I know sun and sand isn’t what you planned
When you went on your little trip.
I have two good ears; they need to get some use.
I will not accept another phony excuse.

Tell me about it. Tell me why you’re tied in knots.
Jim, I’m a detective, so I can connect the dots.
Tell me about it, ‘cause you sure aren’t foolin’ me.
I’ve got noble reasons to give you the third degree.

Tell me about it. Tell me why you’re tied in knots.
Just tell me about it. Don’t you think I’ve earned your trust?
You gotta tell me about it. I’ll investigate if I must.
You gotta tell me about it. Thought you were my friend.
You gotta tell me about it. The truth will come out in the end.
You gotta tell me about it. You gotta tell, tell, tell me about it.
Tell me about it...

The Smoke Thing (My Life, Billy Joel)

"I'm the Smoke Thing."
- Smokey, Recon

In Recon, the most recent episode of LOST, my favorite line was Smokey's blunt assertion.  Here's a song about his conversation with Sawyer, to the tune of Billy Joel's My Life.

The Smoke Thing

Smokey: You should know it was rude of you to interrupt me.
Can’t you see I was trying to calm people down?
You’re not helping by questioning me so abruptly.
Even so, I forgive ya. Quit mopin’ around.

James, this may be a shock to you, but
I’m the Smoke Thing.
I’m the one you should blame for the blood that was spilled.
Do you think that I’m mad? Do you think that I’m joking?
Well, it’s kill or be killed. I don’t wanna be killed.

I‘m gonna need you to go off and do reconnaissance.
(Sawyer: What am I doin’ this for?)
Smokey: I‘m gonna need you, because you were a conman once.
(Sawyer: Sure, that sounds safe...)
Smokey: You don‘t forget
(Sawyer: Can’t forget)
Smokey: Those skills, I bet.
(Sawyer: Those skills yet.)
Smokey: You can lie your way through any mess, James.

There’s a plane on the beach over on Hydra Island.
That’s the plane we’ll be using to get outta here.
If the passengers get in the way of what I planned,
Sorry, folks, but the Smoke Thing will soon reappear.

James, this may be a shock to you, but
I’m the Smoke Thing.
I’m the one you should blame for the blood that was spilled.
Do you think that I’m mad? Do you think that I’m joking?
Well, it’s kill or be killed. I don’t wanna be killed.

I‘m gonna need you to go off and do reconnaissance.
(Sawyer: What am I doin’ this for?)
Smokey: I‘m gonna need you, because you were a conman once.
(Sawyer: Why should I go?)
Smokey: You don‘t forget
(Sawyer: Can’t forget)
Smokey: Those skills, I bet.
(Sawyer: Those skills yet.)
Smokey: You can lie your way through any mess, James.

Do you think that I’m mad? Do you think that I’m joking?
Well, it’s kill or be killed. I don’t wanna be killed.

Sawyer: How can I outsmart the Smoke Thing?
How can I outsmart the Smoke Thing?
How can I outsmart the Smoke Thing?

A Militant Man (An Innocent Man, Billy Joel)

I'm trying to fill in the gaps in my LOST parodies by turning my attention to characters I've largely neglected thus far. One of the most glaring of these is Sayid, whose only appearance was in my very first attempt. I guess he hasn't really grabbed my interest the way some of the others have, largely because he's so darn solemn all the time, but he's an intriguing character and actually one of the reasons I think the Others, or at least some of the Others, aren't so bad. Right off the bat they get us to sympathize with someone who was one of "the bad guys", and it makes us more inclined to consider how apparent enemies might be viewed differently if we looked at things from their perspective.

Sayid is a good man who has done bad things, and though he is mostly ashamed of the harm he inflicted upon others when he felt he had little choice, that experience has hardened him, making him more willing to resort to desperate measures in the desperate times the castaways face. This parody of Billy Joel's An Innocent Man features Sayid at loggerheads with Jack over his desire to use dubious methods to extract information from Sawyer, Henry and Juliet.

A Militant Man

How can he steal from the sick and the poor?
I'd say that Sawyer has plundered enough.
It is his choice to be vilified
Although I don't understand why.

He might give in, Jack. It shouldn't take much
When there's danger in breaking all the rules.
I'm guessing you know what must be done
So Shannon will not have to die.

I need your presence, and that's enough help.
I'll do the dirty work all by myself.
Oh, yes, it's dirty,
But I'm not above
Giving Sawyer a shove.
I'll gladly try it if it helps her heal.
I'm not above using torturing
To restore her health if I can.

I know he took them, though he hasn't told;
I think my torment ought to loosen his tongue.
I'm only able to make men cry
Because I am a militant man.
I am a militant man.
Oh, yes, I am.

You people may be too quick to believe
A shifty stranger whose heart could be dark.
I'm betting he has a secret to tell.
You'd do well to recall we're at war.

They murdered Scott and stole Walt in the night;
They kidnapped Claire and left Charlie for dead.
I'm sorry this makes you queasy, but to trust him,
We must be secure.

We have been living in fear, but today
We might make progress if you let me stay.
I am prepared to use pliers and knives,
But I'll keep him alive.
I'm not about to be ruthless like them.
I only need to persuade him a while.
If he aids us, then I'll still my hand.

If he's the one who can start shedding light
On all the problems plaguing our small clan,
His knowledge should be the perfect excuse
For abuse by a militant man.
I am a militant man.
Oh, yes, I am
A militant man.

What makes you think that Juliet is all right?
She's one of them, and I suspect that she might
Be on a mission.
Jack, how do we know
That she wasn't let go
To do some spying, unsuspected by us?
Would you not love to discover her part
In the Others' well-guarded grand plan?

I'm only asking to hear it from her.
Was leaving her idea or was it his?
I'm afraid Ben will pay her to lie
Because I am a militant man.
I am a militant man.
Oh, yes, I am
A militant man.
Oh, oh, oh, oh...

The Perfect Crime (The Longest Time, Billy Joel)

Billy Joel's The Longest Time is one of my favorite songs. LOST's Nikki and Paolo are two of my least favorite fictional characters. Oh, the irony...

The Perfect Crime

Nikki and Paolo: Whoa-oa-oa-oa, it was the perfect crime.
Whoa-oa-oa, it was the perfect...

Nikki: Listen, Paolo, it just isn't right
Claiming stealing would prevent a fight.
Now I despise you.
I want to traumatize you.
I bet you thought it was the perfect crime.

Once we worked together on this con.
Now your credibility is gone.
Oh, you astound me!
Hope that spider bites you soundly.
I bet you thought it was the perfect crime.

Nikki and Paolo: Whoa-oa-oa-oa, it was the perfect crime.
Whoa-oa-oa, it was the perfect...

Paolo: Nikki, tell me how you have the gall
To confront me, acting so appalled.
I'm only needy
Because you're way too greedy.
I bet you thought it was the perfect crime.

Did you plan this end all along
And plot spider bites
While playing ping-pong?
Baby, your heart's blacker than tar.
I have been scarred,
And I'm just a big dope, for

I believed you cuz you turned me on.

Nikki: Don't you pin this thing on me, Don Juan!
Your bold advances
Swept me up like ballroom dances.
I bet you thought it was the perfect crime.

"She's a blond; she's not very smart,"
You said to yourself
As I played my part.
It was my worst acting gig by far.

Paolo: You gladly played the star
In your own private soap, for

You can't get enough of pampering.

Nikki: So says you, the one with all the bling.
But now it's too bad
You'll have to drop those doodads.
Bet you didn't think I'd thwart the perfect crime.

Nikki and Paolo: Whoa-oa-oa-oa, it was the perfect crime.
Whoa-oa-oa, it was the perfect crime.
Whoa-oa-oa-oa, it was the perfect crime.
Whoa-oa-oa, it was the perfect crime...