You're the Best (Be Our Guest, Alan Menken / Howard Ashman)

"You're the best, Dr. Linus!"
- Alex, Dr. Linus

The relationship between Ben and his adopted daughter Alex has been full of angst and complications, but in season six, we got to see the two of them relating to each other with much greater ease and warmth. Here's a celebration of Sideways Ben and Alex, to the tune of Be Our Guest, from Beauty and the Beast.

You’re the Best

Alex: You’re the best, you’re the best.
Dr. Linus, you’re the best.
Without you, what would I do?
I’d have no clue! I’d flunk the test!
Though you say I’ll be fine,
My whole future’s on the line.
I don’t trust my comprehension.
When I heard you had detention,
I was bummed. I was scared
I would never be prepared.
But you’ve rescued me, and boy, am I impressed!
Though Reynolds may ignore you,
I’m so thankful for you.
You’re the best, you’re the best, you’re the best.

Ben: I was down and distressed.
Bless this unexpected guest!
Teens like her make teaching worth it,
Despite aspects I detest:
Reynolds’ rude attitude,
Students’ base ingratitude.
Let’s dispense with all this whining
And get back to our fine dining.
Look, my life’s not so bad,
So let’s keep our chins up, Dad.
Don’t feel guilty; just enjoy your turkey breast.
I’ve done a few things right.
She helped me see the light
‘Cause she’s the best.
I feel blessed
To acknowledge her request.
She’s the best, she’s the best, she’s the best.

Who‘s to say that leaving
Is a choice we should be grieving?
If we’d stayed, we might have made a big mistake.
Even though I left my truest friend there,
I’ve become a mentor for her sake.
These students... They need me,
And when we came back, you freed me
To deny myself and seek the greater good.
Turns out I’m a teacher, not a doctor.
Dad, who was I fooling,
Getting all that extra schooling?

[Next Day]
Alex: I am stressed, I am stressed,
‘Cause if I don’t pass this test,
Then I’ll fail to go to Yale.
I will be stuck here in the west.
Gotta work up the nerve
To go ask Reynolds the perv
For a nice recommendation -

Ben: Wait, did he abuse his station?
I’ve been wanting a change.
Would it really be so strange
If I used this little tidbit to protest?
I‘d love to stage a coup,
But I will not hurt you,
So I’ll stay dressed in this vest
And arrest this whole quest.

[Later]
Alex: You’re the best, you’re the best,
And though you have not confessed,
Reynold’s letter was much better
Than I ever would have guessed,
So I think what occurred
Is you put in a good word.
Yes, if my appeal advances,
It’s because you helped my chances.
Off to college I’ll go
With the knowledge you bestow,
And if anybody asks, I will attest
That if you want the finest,
Go with Dr. Linus;
He’s the best.
You’re the best, you’re the best.
Yes, you’re the best!

Dr. Linus (Mrs. Crandall's Boardinghouse, George and Will Millar / Wilcil McDowell)

"Linus, you're a real killer!"
 - Arzt, Dr. Linus

LOST has a wonderful way of bringing back minor characters in surprising ways. Dr. Leslie Arzt is one guy who's had a surprisingly large role in the sixth season, considering the fact that he blew up back in season one. Here, to the tune of the Irish Rovers' Mrs. Crandall's Boardinghouse, he gets to air our a few complaints as Dr. Benjamin Linus listens patiently.

Dr. Linus

In the science lab I teach in,
The equipment’s decades old.
I am desperate for some aprons,
But they cost too much, I’m told.
Mr. Reynolds has the power here.
Mr. Reynolds is a jerk.
Mr. Reynolds makes me suspect
I need a new line of work.

Look at you, Dr. Linus!
You seemed so docile until
You mentioned your plan
To bring down The Man.
Linus, you’re a killer!

Well, if I pull off this surveillance,
I require a little fee.
This could get me into trouble,
So I’d best consider carefully.
I would like a good spot, Linus,
By the shady maple tree -
But beside it and not under,
So my car will be leaf-free.

Look at you, Dr. Linus!
You seemed so docile until
You mentioned your plan
To bring down The Man.
Linus, you’re a killer!

I can’t believe what I am hearing.
What about our clever coup?
Put myself on the line for a reason.
I thought I could depend on you.
Listen, Linus, you misled me.
Now I’m right back at Square One.
It’ll be a long, long time now
Before my complaining will be done.

Look at you, Dr. Linus!
You seemed so docile until
You mentioned your plan
To bring down The Man.
Linus, you’re a killer!

Mrs. Crandall's Boardinghouse