We're Staying With Jack (It's Not Over By Half, Joan Shelley)

Bernard: You said you'd never leave the Island, if you wanna go with Locke, I'll be right behind you.
Rose: I'm not going anywhere with that man.
- The Beginning of the End

I'm dipping my toes back into filking with Rose and Bernard, who might be my favorite couple on LOST but who have far too little time in the spotlight.  Joan Shelley's gently transcendent vocals and the sense of serene hope that pervades her beautiful ballad felt fitting for Rose's deeply spiritual nature and the way she acknowledges the darkness without letting it overtake her.

We're Staying With Jack

You took your shot, a guard with a gun.
The Others were scattered with your ammo.
And you've forgotten my mantra for you, hon.
You're a dentist, and you are not Rambo.

Oh, sweetie, why must you always do and not be?
For now I am healthy, and for now we are free.
Hurley's in pain, and he gave a good speech,
But if you ask me, he's made a big blunder.

Bernard, we're staying with Jack
'Cause the look in Locke's eyes makes me think he's a quack.
We follow him and we're on the wrong track.
No, we're not going; we're staying with Jack.

At Niagara Falls, with a timid grin,
You promised to love me through thick and through thin.
So although I had cancer, my heart sang a hymn
Thanking God that He got your attention.

Bernard, we're staying with Jack
'Cause the look in Locke's eyes makes me think he's a quack.
We follow him and we're on the wrong track.
No, we're not going; we're staying with Jack.

Here on this Island, I'm happy with you,
But rescue will bring us serenity, too.
Remission reversal may well ensue;
It won't matter, 'cause we'll be together.

Bernard, we're staying with Jack
'Cause the look in Locke's eyes makes me think he's a quack.
We follow him and we're on the wrong track.
No, we're not going; we're staying with Jack.

It's Not Over By Half

Bad Month (Bad Day, Daniel Powter)

"You're havin' a bad month." - John to Walt, Pilot, Part 2

"Vincent - I tethered him to a tree just over there. I know that Walt lost his mom. I thought that you should be the one to bring his dog back to him."- John to Michael, Tabula Rasa

For some reason, Michael and Walt are two characters I've neglected somewhat, but I love John's interaction with Walt in the pilot and his facilitation of his reunion with Vincent in Tabula Rasa.  I would imagine that, given how poorly he was parented, he is especially hopeful that Michael will give Walt the kind of love and guidance he himself so sorely needed.

Bad Month

Michael, I know what he’s missing the most,

And would you believe that I found what he lost?

I tethered his Lab up to that tree,

But credit for that won’t go to me.

It should be you who brings his dog.

You feel like your boy’s just a kid you don’t know;

As long as you try, you will learn as you go.

He needs a good dad, and you’ll do fine.

You’ll manage to make up for lost time.

It should be you who brings his dog

‘Cause he’s had a bad month.  He’s gotta feel down,

But he can stay strong since he has you around.

As long as he knows his dad’s on his side,

Your wandering child’s gonna take it in stride.

He’s had a bad month.  He watched his mom die.

Los Angeles bound, he was thrown from the sky.

He’s had a bad month.  He’s had a bad month.

Before he wakes up, just slip away.

Get Vincent and brighten up his day.

It should be you who brings his dog.

He’s had a bad month.  He’s gotta feel down,

But he can stay strong since he has you around.

As long as he knows his dad’s on his side,

Your wandering child’s gonna take it in stride.

He’s had a bad month.  He watched his mom die.

Los Angeles bound, he was thrown from the sky.

He’s had a bad month.  Oh, what a lousy month!

Sadly, a son can struggle and sink

If a parent he trusts is gone.

Before you make it back to L.A.,

He ought to know that you’re the one

He can count on.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So hurry and go, and I swear I won’t boast.

Just you and I

Will know how you found what was hopelessly lost.

‘Cause he’s had a bad month.  He’s gotta feel down,

But he can stay strong since he has you around.

As long as he knows his dad’s on his side,

Your wandering child’s gonna take it in stride.

He’s had a bad month.  He watched his mom die.

He met you and thought, “Who’s this guy?”

He’s had a bad month.  He had a bad month.

Had a bad month.  Had a bad month.  Had a bad month…

I've Got No Faith (I've Got No Strings, Leigh Harline / Ned Washington)

Jack: Don't. It's not real. Look, you want to push the button, you do it yourself.
Locke: If it's not real, then what are you doing here, Jack? Why did you come back? - Orientation

Here's a song involving John and Jack's argument down in the hatch at the end of Orientation, to the tune of Pinocchio's I've Got No Strings.  Jack finally gives in, but real faith doesn't come until much later... 


I’ve Got No Faith

Jack: I’ve got no faith in destiny.
I only trust what I can see.
You have faith, but luckily,
There is no faith in me.
   
Desmond was clearly cracked.
Nothing’s gonna happen, John.
This hatch would stay intact
Even if we all were gone.

John: You’ve got no faith?  Then tell me, Jack,
Why did you bother coming back?
Trust the film.  This job’s for two.
I know there’s faith in you.

Sayid: He has no faith, so let him be.
This argument is boring me.
Step aside, and I will do
What Jack refuses to.

Kate: You have no faith.  I’m with you there.
But this is giving me a scare.
Just in case the tape is true,
I’d push if I were you.

Jack: John, you’re a silly sheep.
Desmond didn’t have a clue.
John: Why won’t you take the leap? 
I believe, but I need you.

Alarm: BEEP! BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!

Jack: (pushes button) There’s still no faith in me!

When It Ends (A Face That Shone, Michael Card)

"My ashes are right there in that fire... When it burns out, you’ll never see me again."- Jacob, What They Died For

LOST is so filled with wonderful characters, and I love nearly all of them, but there will always be an extra special place in my heart for Jacob and Hurley. In the great epics, this always tends to be my favorite pair: the wise mentor and the loving, humble apostle. Gandalf and Sam. Dumbledore and Hagrid. Aslan and Lucy. Granted, Aslan is something More than those others, Jacob included. But Jacob reflects the light in a powerful way, and Hurley feels a deep sense of connection to him. I was very saddened by Jacob's words to Hurley in What They Died For. I thought of Lucy leaving Narnia in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, and I anticipate this parting being equally difficult for Hurley. But even as he dreads the loss, his chief concern is harmony, and something tells me this Star Wars geek holds the key to a satisfying resolution. Here's Hurley to the tune of Michael Card's A Face That Shone.

When It Ends

Though Richard raved and ranted to Jack on the Black Rock,
I was sure that we should follow, for we’re Jacob’s chosen flock.
I knew it from the moment he blessed me with his touch.
When he gave me that guitar case, his assurance meant so much.

He met me at the Temple, and he helped me find the stone
That hid a secret passage to a lighthouse long unknown.
Jacob never acted like he thought that I would fail.
I began to think that maybe the light of kindness could prevail.

So when it ends, I will feel I’ve lost a father,
A faithful friend who believed that I had worth.
But when it ends, I will know that I would rather
Have been blessed to briefly know him.
I’ve been searching for him since my birth.

He brought us to the Island. We became his flustered flock,
And he’s charged us now with stopping his old friend who looks like Locke.
Oh, I know that he’s a monster and he really isn’t John,
But he used to be his brother. That part of him’s not gone.

Jacob said he’d try to kill us and we would need to guard the light,
But reconciliation’s the best end to this fight.
We’ll somehow find the balance so the conflict can be done.
Like Anakin and Luke, the fractured family will be one.

And when it ends, I will feel I’ve lost a father,
A faithful friend who believed that I had worth.
But when it ends, I still will know that I would rather
Have been blessed to briefly know him.
I’ve been seeking him since birth.

He said to me, “You’ll never see me once it’s ended.
I’ll have to go, but you will know you have my love.
You’ll bear the light, and everyone who you’ve befriended
Will snatch a spark, and they’ll be mended both from within and from above.”

And when it ends, I will feel I’ve lost a father,
A faithful friend who believed that I had worth.
But when it ends, I still will know that I would rather
Have been blessed to briefly know him.
I’ve been seeking him since birth.

A Face That Shone

I Will Destroy the Beast (God's Own Fool, Michael Card)

"It's where I was told I could summon the monster. That's before I realized that it was the one summoning me."
- Ben, What They Died For

Ben's actions on the Island in What They Died For initially really depressed me because it felt like such a sad regression back into villainy. But the more I think about it, the more certain I am that Ben is running his own con, and because of his incredibly dark past and his willingness to kill his old enemy to get his point across, he may just be able to pull it off where Sawyer failed. Here's hopin'. Here is Ben to the tune of Michael Card's God's Own Fool.

I Will Destroy the Beast

Seems he misled me for all of my life
Since I came to this place as a kid,
And he molded me into a murderous man.
I cringe at the things that I did.
For ever since Jacob clutched me as he died
And then Miles confirmed that he cared,
I've seen how this monster made use of my pride
Until I was wholly ensnared.

So I, in my foolishness, ate up his lies.
I was his tool then, but now I’ve grown wise.
When I was a leader, he conned me so long.
Now I’ve been humbled and know I was wrong.
And so I’ll make that thing a fool.
I owe that to Jacob at least.
I won’t stand by and be his tool.
I will destroy the beast.

I’ll give up my life for the sake of this con
That will rid us of evil at last.
I’ll do it for Jacob and Alex and John.
I’ll purge the mistakes of my past.
I’ll surrender the power that never was mine,
Be the man Jacob hoped I could be.
For I’ve been through the fire and I’ve been refined,
And though I was blind, now I see.

Yes, I, in my foolishness, ate up his lies.
I was his tool then, but now I’ve grown wise.
When I was a leader, he conned me so long.
Now I’ve been humbled and know I was wrong.
And so I’ll make that thing a fool.
I owe that to Alex at least.
I won’t stand by and be his tool.
I will destroy the beast.

So I’ll make that thing a fool.
I owe that to John Locke at least.
I won’t stand by and be his tool.
I will destroy the beast.

Creepy Kid (Oh You Mucky Kid, Stan Kelly)

Little Jacob: You know the rules. You can't kill him.
Smokey: Don't tell me what I can't do!
- The Substitute

When that mysterious boy showed up in the jungle in The Substitute, it was a strange thing indeed. We now know that this was Jacob as a boy, so I presume that he is a ghost, which Smokey can see but Richard can't (though it's surprising to think that Desmond and Sawyer can). Here's a little reflection about little ghostly Jacob, to the tune of the Irish Rovers' Oh You Mucky Kid.

Creepy Kid

Oh, you are a creepy kid.
Smokey knows just what you did.
Are you merely his ego or id?
Are you a ghost, jungle lad?

You look so spooky standing there
Under your shock of golden hair,
And Richard claims to be unaware,
So is Smokey going crazy?

Your arms and hands are limply spread,
Augmented now with trails of red.
So are you a vision or are you dead?
Are you a ghost, jungle lad?

Oh, you are a creepy kid.
Smokey knows just what you did.
Are you merely his ego or id?
Are you a ghost, jungle lad?

You’ve cleaned up nicely now for James.
Is this another of your games?
When you warn your rival not to kill,
He doesn’t like rules, so he’s angry.

Perhaps it is your youthful plight
That’s reminded James to bear the light.
He’ll follow “John,” but it’s a con.
You’re counting upon his trickery.

Oh, you are a creepy kid.
Smokey knows just what you did.
Are you merely his ego or id?
Are you a ghost, jungle lad?

You really have an impish face,
But it could be his saving grace.
Yes, maybe the Smoke can be erased,
And you’ll be left with your brother.

Oh You Mucky Kid

The Island He Ruled (The Village of Brambleshire Wood, George and Will Millar)

"At some point in your life, James, probably when you were young and miserable and vulnerable. he came to you, he manipulated you, pulled your strings like you were a puppet. And as a result, choices you thought were made, were never really choices at all. He was pushing you, James. Pushing you.. to the Island."- Smokey, The Substitute

Jacob and Smokey have very different perspectives on their ongoing battle. Here's Smokey addressing Sawyer in the cliffside cave, to the tune of the Irish Rovers' The Village of Brambleshire Wood.

The Island He Ruled

Written here on this wall are the numbers and names
Of the people he brought to the Island he ruled.
I’ve freed us at last from his tedious games
And his endless insistence on preserving the light.

Goodbye to his silly white stone!
See the names of the chumps who have died?
He carelessly crossed out the names and the numbers
Of people he brought to the Island he ruled.

Goodbye to his games and his silly white stone
And the names in this cave on the Island he ruled!

You’ll notice, I think, not all of the names here
Are split and obscured with a chalk line of white.
They're potential replacements who somehow aren't dead,
Who've survived their ordeal on the Island he ruled.

There’s Shephard and Reyes and Kwon,
And Jarrah, and I think both of us recall John.
His time here is through, so I’ll cross him out too,
Just a pawn Jacob brought to the Island he ruled.

Goodbye to his games and his silly white stone
And the names in this cave on the Island he ruled!

Now you’re number 15. Don’t look so astonished.
Yes, you met Jacob a long time ago.
He gave you a push, James, and look where it led you.
It brought you, like the rest, to the Island he ruled.

Since he’s dead, three choices are yours:
Do nothing, and stay on these infernal shores;
Take on the position of pointless protector;
Or you join me, and we leave the Island he ruled.

Goodbye to his games and his silly white stone
And the names in this cave on the Island he ruled!

The Village of Brambleshire Wood

DHARMA Submarine (Yellow Submarine, Paul McCartney / John Lennon)

Ben: You know, John, you're not wrong. Some of the things I've told you - some of the things I've told everybody - are simply not true.
John: Like what?
Ben: Well, for starters, I wasn't born on this island.
- The Man Behind the Curtain

In The Man Behind the Curtain, Ben confesses to John that he wasn't actually born on the Island. I imagine him going into greater detail here, to the tune of the Beatles' Yellow Submarine.

DHARMA Submarine

Ben: Though I said that I was born
On the Island, that isn’t true.
I recall the fateful time
When we dove into the blue.

First I drank a little juice,
And my sleep was so serene
That I dozed until we came
To the isle by submarine.

I arrived on a DHARMA submarine,
DHARMA submarine, DHARMA submarine.
I arrived on a DHARMA submarine,
DHARMA submarine, DHARMA submarine.

I was shy, and I was bored,
So I moped around once we moored,
But I made two friends that day.

I arrived on a DHARMA submarine,
DHARMA submarine, DHARMA submarine.
I arrived on a DHARMA submarine,
DHARMA submarine, DHARMA submarine.

[Spoken]
Horace: Hey, welcome to the Island, man! Namaste!
Annie: Hey, you’re new, huh? I’m Annie. Want one? [hands Ben a candy bar]

Ben: Horace made me feel at ease.
Wish I’d had the guts (wish I‘d had the guts).
To save Goodspeed (to save Goodspeed).
Annie split (Annie split) the Island scene (Island scene)
On the DHARMA (on the DHARMA) submarine (submarine).

I arrived on a DHARMA submarine,
DHARMA submarine, DHARMA submarine.
I arrived on a DHARMA submarine,
DHARMA submarine, DHARMA submarine.
I arrived on a DHARMA submarine,
DHARMA submarine, DHARMA submarine.
I arrived on a DHARMA submarine,
DHARMA submarine, DHARMA submarine.

The End (American Pie, Don McLean)

Working through my feelings on the end of LOST a couple weeks ahead of time. Darlton, are you listening?

The End (A LOSTie’s Salute)

A long, long time ago,
Back when television was an idle, passionless routine,
An epic promo stopped me cold.
It seemed like cinematic gold
Created for a more convenient screen.
A fiery crash, a pressing query,
A score that sounded more than eerie.
I embraced this new show,
This fresh Robinson Crusoe,
This stunning tale of tattered lives.
Even if I’m pleased with who survives,
It’s sure to cut like John Locke’s knives
The day The End arrives.

A dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Do you know I came to love
All the folks who fell from far above
In September of ‘04?
And I soon made room inside my soul
For one crazed Scotsman in a hole
And Ben, who isn’t Henry anymore.
I’ve envisioned Richard as a sage
Since I noticed that he doesn’t age.
Fantastic Frank’s a find,
And I dig dear dizzy Dan's mind.
I sympathized with Dogen’s tragic case,
And Ilana touched me with her quiet grace.
I just don’t see how I can face
The day The End arrives.

I guarantee a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Now for six years, it’s been on the air.
No other series can quite compare
In terms of sheer complexity.
Every episode hides a crucial clue.
Stranger in a Strange Land matters too,
Though tattoos are not exactly key.
Who’d’ve thought that run-down DHARMA van
Would fuel a hero’s rescue plan?
Who knew the code equates
To Jacob’s Candidates?
You’ve dropped crumbs along the twisted trail.
What tiny Season One detail
Will clinch who wins and who will fail
The day The End arrives?

I’m convinced a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Faith and reason, loyalty and treason,
Enigmas deepening every season.
Cuselof, I tip my hat.
The polar bears, Hurley bird
And ancient monster are so absurd;
I appreciate it all the more for that.
There’s a four-toed statue on the beach.
When wet Walt spouted garbled speech
And Jacob’s cabin shook,
I had to take another look.
How do pylons form a Smokey shield
And why are Temple bathers healed?
What mysteries will be revealed
The day The End arrives?

I guarantee a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Now all those phrases are in my head,
Like “Are you him?” and “Dead is dead”
And “Live together, die alone.”
“Don’t mistake a coincidence for fate!”
And Jack’s cry, “We have to go back, Kate!”
By leaps and bounds, the lexicon has grown.
It’s always a hoot to spout the names
So snarkily assigned by James.
Though “Jabba’s” kinda mean,
I’m keen on “Mr. Clean”.
All the allusions make me feel obtuse.
How many more will you produce?
My library card will get some use
The day The End arrives.

I’m convinced a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

I said farewell to Jin and Sun.
Sadly, Charlie’s rock star days are done -
In this dimension, anyway.
Scott and Eko had violent deaths,
And I always will remember Seth’s,
Since you deigned to turn the pilot into prey.
From fatal falls and time disease
To filicide (curse you, Eloise!),
You’ve shown a special talent
For killing off the gallant.
Michael wound up a remorseful ghost.
Sayid repented and then was toast.
I wonder who I’ll miss the most
The day The End arrives.

I guarantee a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

I’m convinced a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Leonard's Numbers (Coat of Many Colors, Dolly Parton)

"Is that why you're here, Lenny? Is it because of the numbers? Did they do something to you? Because I think they did something to me. I think they turned me into a jinx - bad news to everyone around me. And when I tell people I think I'm the cause they, they, they look at me like I'm nuts. They don't believe me. But I know, ever since I won the lottery with those numbers." - Hurley, Numbers

No matter where Hurley goes, he can't seem to get away from the curse of his numbers. He doesn't seem aware yet of the connection between those numbers and the Candidates; if he figures it out, I wonder if that will shake his allegiance to Jacob... Here's a reflection from Hurley around the time of the season one finale, to the tune of Dolly Parton's Coat of Many Colors.

Leonard’s Numbers

Since I’ve been here, I’ve been wonderin’ once again,
What would my life be like today
If I hadn’t spent that time at Santa Rosa
And heard the numbers I’d go on to play?
Or what if I’d used those numbers some other day or week?
Or when I stepped on that deck, what if I’d had a trim physique?
I can’t seem to stop “what if”-ing, for, despite my piles of dough,
Because I echoed Leonard’s numbers, I’m wallowing in woe.

First I lost my grandpa Tito from a massive heart attack
Because I echoed Leonard’s numbers, and I wish I had him back.
My girlfriend and my buddy hooked up, and I was down,
And I just stared in helpless horror as Ma’s new house burned to the ground.

I echoed Leonard’s numbers, ’cause he drilled them into me.
I was better off when I lived in poverty.
No matter where I go now, I invite catastrophe
Since I echoed Leonard’s numbers to win the lottery.

I would trade in all my riches to have some peace of mind.
Since I echoed Leonard’s numbers, that’s been so hard to find!
Oh, I just can’t seem to shake them, and it’s pretty plain to see
The effects of Leonard’s numbers will always follow me.
I’ve long since memorized the sequence, and I was crushed to catch
Just a glimpse of it again on Sayid’s map and on the hatch.
Though I think Danielle believed me when I told her of the curse
That is attached to Leonard’s numbers, John’s reaction was far worse.

Yeah, I screamed for him to stop, but he ignored my panicked plea,
And soon I bet he’ll wish he’d have lent an ear to me
‘Cause no matter where I go now, I bring along catastrophe
Since I echoed Leonard’s numbers to win the lottery.
Oh, woe is me!

Doing Construction (Eve of Destruction, Barry McGuire)

"Construction site coordinator. Uh... I'm not sure that's a good match." - Rose, The Substitute

John Locke is a man who knows what he wants, and he is not easily swayed from his position. But in The Substitute, Rose manages to cut through his hard-headedness and convince him to apply a little practicality. Here's Rose to the tune of Barry McGuire's Eve of Destruction.

Doing Construction

I look at you. You’re in a wheelchair.
Maybe you don’t think that we’ll care.
I understand your need for righteous zeal there.
I know when I object, you’ll flash an icy steel glare.
I’m ready to hear you yell that it doesn’t feel fair.
But I’ll tell you over and over and over again, my friend,
That I don’t think you are fit for doing construction.

You don’t need to mention your animal type.
I wouldn’t disagree that’s a load of tripe.
I will patiently wait while you sit here and gripe.
Though you don’t have much tact, I will cut you some slack.
You will never hear me mock your anguish, Mr. Locke,
But I’ll tell you over and over and over again, my friend,
That I don’t think you are fit for doing construction.

Oh, I know you’re mad, and you don’t want to hear it.
I don’t intend to break your spirit.
And purposelessness? You’re very right to fear it.
Still, this construction thing, if you venture near it,
Is not gonna work, so I hate to clear it.
But hey, sit-down jobs can also have merit.
I bet we’ll find something that is a clear fit.
And I’ll tell you over and over and over again, my friend,
That I don’t think you are fit for doing construction.

Just accept your lot. Yes, that is the answer.
It’s what I’ve had to learn since I was struck with cancer.
I know it’s your right to grumble and stew
And think of the things that you’d rather do,
But dwelling on your dreams won’t make them come true.
Don’t waste any more time. Find new goals to pursue.
Mr. Locke, it’s your life. I leave the choice up to you.
I’ll tell you over and over and over and over again, my friend,
I don’t think you are fit for doing construction.
No, no, I don’t think you are fit for doing construction.

Lookin' Like Locke (Crocodile Rock, Elton John / Bernie Taupin)

"John Locke was not a believer, Jack. He was a sucker." - Smokey, The Last Recruit

Here's another song directly addressing Smokey, this time to the tune of Elton John's Crocodile Rock.

Lookin’ Like Locke

I remember when LOST was young.
Your appearances were far-flung.
First you pulverized poor Seth.
Then you slaughtered Eko, and we all held our breath.
Every season’s brought another shock.
Your latest caper is lookin’ like Locke,
Stakin’ claims when you’re allowed the chance to talk.
You’re a demon who’s schemin’, but you’re lookin’ like Locke.

You’re Locke-lookin’
With malice cookin’
In your vile, amorphous brain.
You know, identity theft’s a crime
And your villainy is plain.
Watch out for karma!
It’s gonna bite.
The Candidates will set things right.
Locke-lookin’, but you won’t win the fight.

Nyah nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!

In the Island‘s Eye, what did John Locke spy?
Somebody who wanted to make sure he’d die.
He saw beauty in a frightening scene.
You call him a sucker, and that’s awfully mean,
But it’s accurate because your plot
Led at last to you lookin’ like Locke.
You’re harassed by your murky past
But really think that lookin’ like Locke’s a blast.

You’re Locke-lookin’
With malice cookin’
In your vile, amorphous brain.
You know, identity theft’s a crime
And your villainy is plain.
Watch out for karma!
It’s gonna bite.
The Candidates will set things right.
Locke-lookin’, but you won’t win the fight.

Nyah nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!

I remember when LOST was young.
Your appearances were far-flung.
First you pulverized poor Seth.
Then you slaughtered Eko, and we all held our breath.
Every season’s brought another shock.
Your latest caper is lookin’ like Locke,
Stakin’ claims when you’re allowed the chance to talk.
You’re a demon who’s schemin’, but you’re lookin’ like Locke.

You’re Locke-lookin’
With malice cookin’
In your vile, amorphous brain.
You know, identity theft’s a crime
And your villainy is plain.
Watch out for karma!
It’s gonna bite.
The Candidates will set things right.
Locke-lookin’, but you won’t win the fight.

Nyah nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nah nah nah nyah!
Nyah nyah nah nah nah nyah...

(fadeout)

Find the Plants for Me (Take a Chance on Me, Benny Andersson / Björn Ulvaeus)

"Listen to me very carefully, John, because I'm not gonna have time to repeat this. You're gonna go into that greenhouse through that hole there. Once inside, you're gonna turn left. Go about 20 paces until you see a patch of Anthuriums on your left. They're in an alcove against the north wall. Face the wall, reach down with your left hand. You'll find a switch that activates the elevator. The elevator takes you down to the actual Orchid station." - Ben, There's No Place Like Home, Part 1

My dad is always giving me suggestions of songs to LOSTify, and today he mentioned ABBA's incredibly catchy Take a Chance on Me. That's one of those songs that just makes me grin from ear to ear when I hear it, so I knew I had to give it a shot. Here's Ben and John from the season four finale.

Find the Plants For Me

Ben: When you get inside, here’s a little guide
As to what you’ll see. Find the plants for me.
They are called Anthuriums. They’re against the wall.
Gonna have to hurry, John, ‘cause our window’s small.
There’ll be a switch that you’re gonna need to twitch.
Easy as can be. Find the plants for me.
Turn the elevator on. It’ll take you down.
Nothing left to wait for, John. Don’t you goof around.
Find the plants for me.
(John: Hey, Ben, you know this sounds crazy?)
Ben: Find the plants for me.

John: What about soldiers
Standing with rifles?
How do I avoid them?
Ben, you got me quakin’.
Am I mistaken?
Thought that we annoyed them.

Ben: John, you won’t get shot.
You worry about the plants.
I considered this in advance.
I’m ready.
I know that you think I’m nuts,
But show me you’ve got some guts.
Listen, don’t you scoff.
It’ll all pay off.

When you get inside, here’s a little guide
As to what you’ll see. Find the plants for me.
They are called Anthuriums. They’re against the wall.
Gonna have to hurry, John, ‘cause our window’s small.
There’ll be a switch that you’re gonna need to twitch.
Easy as can be. Find the plants for me.
Turn the elevator on. It’ll take you down.
Nothing left to wait for, John. Don’t you goof around.
Find the plants for me.
(John: Come on, you‘ll get me killed, won‘t you?)
Ben: Find the plants for me.

John: Give me one reason to trust you.
It would be unjust to
Throw me to the lions.
Though that would be rotten,
I’ve seen you plottin’.
You’d applaud my dyin’.

Ben: John, I give my vow,
Whatever that is worth,
That you’ve been primed from birth
To lead here.
Oh, yes, Richard yammered on,
“I hardly can wait for John!”
You will catch a break
For the Island’s sake.

When you get inside, here’s a little guide
As to what you’ll see. Find the plants for me.
They are called Anthuriums. They’re against the wall.
Gonna have to hurry, John, ‘cause our window’s small.
There’ll be a switch that you’re gonna need to twitch.
Easy as can be. Find the plants for me.
Turn the elevator on. It’ll take you down.
Nothing left to wait for, John. Don’t you goof around.

Listen, I’m a man with a master plan.
Easy as can be. Find the plants for me.
Turn the elevator on. It’ll take you down.
Nothing left to wait for, John. Don’t you goof around.

Listen, I’m a man who has got a master plan.
Easy as can be. Find the plants for me.
Turn the elevator on. It’ll take you down.
Nothing left to wait for, John. Don’t you goof around...

Hoffs-Drawlar (Hotel Caliifornia, Don Felder / Glenn Frey / Don Henley)

Funeral Director: My deepest condolences. Friend or family? Jack: Neither.
- Through the Looking Glass, Part 2

"If you do leave this place, the day may come when you want to return."
- Ben, King of the Castle


On LOST, few relationships are as complicated as the one between Jack and John. While his death brings the doctor to the brink of suicide, he can't even bring himself to identify himself as John's friend. Then again, it's hard to blame him... Here are some musings from Jack at the Hoffs-Drawlar funeral parlor in the third and fourth season finales, to the tune of the Eagles' Hotel California.

Hoffs-Drawlar

Saw your name in the paper.
I had to look twice.
I’d done too much boozing;
Maybe this was the price.
But I wasn’t mistaken.
Sometimes it stings to be right.
I made my mind up as the plane touched down.
I had to end it that night.

As I gazed at the pavement,
About to take the leap,
I felt a fierce inferno and
I heard a crunch and a scream and a beep.
Went to go play the hero
Because that’s what I do.
When I got out of the hospital,
I had to come see you.

I’m here, but I find it hard to mourn ya.
I will not pretend (I will not pretend) that I was your friend.
Sorry you’re dead, but it’s hard for me to mourn ya.
All you brought my life (all you brought my life) was a lot of strife.

You put a knife through Naomi.
I always blamed you for Boone.
You blathered on about a sacrifice...
What a goon!
You set off those explosives,
Scads of C-4.
The Flame was in flames and
The sub was no more.

All the while you insisted
I misunderstood.
You swore that every single thing you’d done was
For the Island’s good.
And when you wearied of telling me not to leave,
You encouraged the tangle of deceit
I went on to weave.

I’m here, but I find it hard to mourn ya.
I will not pretend (I will not pretend) that I was your friend.
Yeah, Jeremy Bentham, it’s hard for me to mourn ya,
With your pseudonym (with your pseudonym) and your vanished vim.

The man here informed me
That nobody else came.
Pathetic. You went out a bitter old man,
All alone and lame.
You said that we were special
And shared one common fate.
I think I might accept that now,
But I’ve found my faith too late.

Who lurks in the shadows?
Am I really seeing Ben,
And can I trust he’ll get me back
To the Island once again?
He once tried to warn me
Of the lesson I would learn:
“If you leave this place, the day may come
When you want to return.”

Hotel California

Take a Walkabout (We Can Work It Out, John Lennon / Paul McCartney)

"You know what you need, Mr. Locke? You need to go on a walkabout."
- Abaddon, Cabin Fever

Matthew Abaddon is one of LOST's more enigmatic characters. He works for Widmore, and in his first couple of appearances, he seemed pretty creepy. But in his interactions with John Locke, he's undeniably helpful. Certainly he nudged him in the right direction in Cabin Fever. Here's a song from Abaddon's perspective, to the tune of the Beatles' We Can Work It Out.

Take a Walkabout

Try to have some hope now.
You may think you’re sunk, but Mr. Locke, don’t give up yet.
If you sit and mope now,
Then instead of healing you will simply stay upset.

Take a walkabout.
Take a walkabout.

Think about a journey.
Go into the Outback and discover who you are.
Now, before you spurn me,
Let me tell you, it’s done me a world of good so far.

Take a walkabout.
Take a walkabout.

Look here, Mr. Locke.
You crushed your spine
But you had the strength to survive.
One day you will walk.
You need a sign?
How ‘bout the fact that you’re alive?

Try to have some hope now.
Anything is possible, and miracles are real.
If you sit and mope now,
You could miss the chance to make some good of your ordeal.

Take a walkabout.
Take a walkabout.

Look here, Mr. Locke.
You crushed your spine
But you had the strength to survive.
One day you will walk.
You need a sign?
How ‘bout the fact that you’re alive?

Try to have some hope now.
I believe not only will you walk, but you will run.
Don’t you sit and mope now.
You will see, and when we meet again, you’ll owe me one.

Take a walkabout.
Take a walkabout.

Smokey (Mandy, Scott English / Richard Kerr)

"She said you have to stop the Man in Black. You have to stop him from leaving the island. 'Cause if you don't... todos nos vamos al infierno."
- Hurley, Ab Aeterno

Jacob's nemesis is known by a wide variety of names, but ever since I got confirmation that he and the Smoke Monster are one and the same, I reverted to "Smokey," my old standby nickname for our cranky Island menace. Most of the characters on the show, meanwhile, stick with "Locke". Whatever you call him, he's pretty bad news. Here is a loving tribute to this unfortunate soul, to the tune of Barry Manilow's Mandy. May he remain trapped for a long, long time...

Smokey

You can come across as nice
Though your soul’s as cold as ice.
You were once a man,
But now you’re a mimic.
Sweet civility
Is half your gimmick.

Gathering your new recruits,
Going gaseous when it suits,
Keen to claim the prize
You’ve sought for cent’ries,
The hunger’s in your eyes.
It hasn’t been easy.

Oh, Smokey. Well, your name has remained an enigma,
But they're calling you Locke.
Oh, Smokey. You’re a cloud and that carries some stigma.
People can’t help but gawk. Oh, Smokey.

You’ve lingered there since ancient times,
Observing many callous crimes.
Babysitting brats and swiftly judging,
You’ve wanted to resign
And stop Jacob’s nudging.

Oh, Smokey. Well, your name has remained an enigma,
But they're calling you Locke.
Oh, Smokey. You're a cloud and that carries some stigma.
People can't help but gawk. Oh, Smokey.

If you do succeed,
Everyone suffers.
Jacob’s helpers need
Some Smokey snuffers.

Oh, Smokey. Well, your name has remained an enigma,
But they're calling you Locke.
Oh, Smokey. You're a cloud and that carries some stigma.
People can't help but gawk.
Oh, Smokey. Your name has remained an enigma,
But they're calling you Locke.
Oh, Smokey, a cloud, and that carries some stigma.
They won't heed you...

John Locke's Body (John Brown's Body, Traditional)

"I don't understand. If this is Locke... who's in there?" 
- Sun, The Incident


John Locke has suffered a great many indignities on LOST, not the least of which involves his imitation by a nefarious entity. Here's a ditty to the tune of Pete Seeger's version of John Brown's Body in which various folks outside contemplate the mystery before them. In the last verse, "John Locke" confronts Jacob and offers an answer.

John Locke’s Body

Sun: John Locke’s body lies a-sprawlin’ in the sand.
John Locke’s body lies a-sprawlin’ in the sand.
John Locke’s body lies a-sprawlin’ in the sand.
So who’s in there with Ben?

Ilana: In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
Will evil rise again?

Frank: They knocked me out and brought me with the dead guy in the box.
They knocked me out and brought me with the dead guy in the box.
They knocked me out and brought me with the dead guy in the box.
So who’s in there with Ben?

Ilana: In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
Will evil rise again?

Richard: When John walked into camp, he seemed a little off to me,
But I had waited fifty years to follow his decree,
And so I overlooked the artificiality.
So who’s in there with Ben?

Ilana: In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
Will evil rise again?

Bram: Well, that crate was really heavy, and we carried it all day.
That crate was really heavy, and we carried it all day.
That crate was really heavy, and we carried it all day.
So who’s in there with Ben?

Ilana: In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
Will evil rise again?

Smokey: Remember when I told you that I’d find a loophole, friend?
Since the two of us showed up here, you must know what we intend.
Forget your talk of progress; now at last we’re at the end.
It’s me in here with Ben.

Ilana: In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
Will evil rise again?

Sawyer's Threat (Good Luck Charm, Aaron Schroeder / Wally Gold)

"You harm so much as one hair on his curly head... I'll kill you."
- Sawyer, The Shape of Things to Come


The Shape of Things to Come is one of my all-time least favorite episodes of LOST, but I love the scene in which Sawyer demonstrates such concern for Hurley's well-being. Here he addresses John to the tune of Elvis Presley's Good Luck Charm.

Sawyer’s Threat

Beware, and John, prepare to die!

Don’t want him on your mission.
Why did he say he’d go?
I can’t force him to change his course,
But I think you ought to know

You’d better not intend to do him harm
Because I won’t be shy.
Yeah, if you harm one hair
Upon his head, beware,
And John (and John), prepare (prepare) to die!

I never heard of Jacob.
How can he help us now?
But what the heck? Go and take your trek.
Just don’t forget my vow.

You’d better not intend to do him harm
Because I won’t be shy.
Yeah, if you harm one hair
Upon his head, beware,
And John (and John), prepare (prepare) to die!
Beware (beware), and John (and John), prepare to die!
And John (and John), prepare (prepare) to die!

See, Hugo’s a better buddy
Than either of us has earned.
They broke the mold with his heart of gold,
So don’t let him get burned.

You’d better not intend to do him harm
Because I won’t be shy.
Yeah, if you harm one hair
Upon his head, beware,
And John (and John), prepare (prepare) to die!
Beware (beware), and John (and John), prepare (prepare) to die.
And John (and John), prepare (prepare) to die!

Sawyer's Candidacy (From the Word Go, Michael Garvin / Chris Waters)

Sawyer: You tricked me into being decent. That's gotta be the lamest con in the history of cons.
Hurley: Wasn't a con, dude. If you're gonna be our temporary leader, you need to do some damage control.
- Left Behind

One of my all-time favorite B-stories in LOST is in Left Behind, when Hurley essentially cons Sawyer into being nice so he can accept the leadership position that seems to be waiting for him. This was a major step in the right direction for Sawyer; too bad it was so soon followed by John's bad influence. But Sawyer did eventually become the sort of leader Hurley knew he could be, and I think Hurley's guidance helped a lot. Here's a recreation of their conversation at the end of Left Behind, to the tune of Michael Martin Murphey's From the Word Go.

Sawyer’s Candidacy

Sawyer: My mind’s been on bein’ kind
So folks will have pity on me.
But now I’m wonderin’ how
I could fall for your bid to con me.
Hurley: Dude, it’s damage control.
Plus, it’s good for your soul!

Sorry, Sawyer,
But since Jack’s gone and Sayid, Kate and John are too,
You’re our leader.
I guess it’s lousy being you.

Look at the faces out there.
Everyone’s eating boar and smilin’.
You trade vice for a chance to be nice,
And it’s a much happier Island.
Can’t you give it a try?
Sawyer: Hey, you’ve got the wrong guy!

Tell me, Hugo,
How can you think I’m in charge here? Are you insane?
Me, a leader?
This is a ludicrous campaign.

Hurley: Think this was easy for Jack?
Just until he gets back,

Sorry, Sawyer,
But since Jack’s gone and Sayid, Kate and John are too,
You’re our leader.
I guess it’s lousy being you. (3x)

From the Word Go

Not As Others (Colors of the Wind, Stephen Schwartz / Alan Menken)

"This is not your island. This is our island. And the only reason you're living on it is because we let you live on it." - Tom, The Hunting Party

LOST first introduced the "Others" early in season one, via the crazed Danielle, who was herself an other to the castaways. Our first impression of them was pretty damaging; Ethan went haywire, abducting Claire, nearly murdering Charlie and setting out to pick off the rest of the beach folks one by one until he got what he wanted. Our second, when Tom and his cronies kidnapped Walt, wasn't much better. But when he turned up again in the jungle and got to give his side of the story, the Others became a little easier to sympathize with. Here's a little reflection by Tom to the tune of Stephen Schwartz and Alan Menken's Colors of the Wind.

Not as Others

You came here to me on a mission,
But in case you haven’t noticed, I have the upper hand.
So Jack, just cool your tools,
‘Cause you don’t make all the rules.
Please listen, and perhaps you’ll understand.
Understand...

You thought you were alone upon this Island,
And at the start, you only sought to leave.
But then you came to see its finer features,
And you got kinda cocky, I believe.
You figured you could bend it to your purpose,
And when Ethan showed up, what did you do?
You turned yourself into a vigilante,
And right now you wanna raise an army too.

Have you ever thought that maybe someone brought you here?
I won’t pretend I know what he intends,
But I’m pretty sure you’re stuck with us until you
Start to see us not as Others but as friends,
Start to see us not as Others but as friends.

All right, till now we haven’t seemed too friendly,
But we have reasons you could never guess,
And maybe if you’d show a little trust, Jack,
I just might be persuaded to confess.
I’m really not that big on keeping secrets.
I’m really not that big on toting guns.
It’s time that we let go of “Us and Them” now.
When it comes down to it, we’re all chosen ones.

How long will the cycle go on?
Won’t you make it stop, with some help from John?

Won’t you think about the fact that someone brought you here?
Are better times ahead? Well, that depends,
Because I’m pretty sure you’re stuck with us until you
Start to see us not as Others but as friends.

All the world is shades of gray,
So acknowledge what I say.
Start to see us not as Others but as friends!