Goodbye Mr. Linus (Goodbye Mrs. Durkin, Traditional)

It may be that we've seen the last of the LOST submarine, but here's a ditty that hearkens back to the first time we saw it, back in season three, to the tune of the Irish Rovers' Goodbye, Mrs. Durkin.

Goodbye, Mr. Linus

Both: Goodbye, Mr. Linus. We won't let you confine us.
We're tired of your head games. We're tired of your lies.
A wave to your grim domain and we're headed for the mainland.
Don't bother to object because we've said our last goodbyes.

Juliet: In Miami I was toiling to find out a way of foiling
Infertility that followed from the treatments Rachel tried.
My experiments succeeded, but I wish I hadn't heeded
All the flattery that Richard used to bring me to your side.

Both: So, it's goodbye, Mr. Linus. We won't let you confine us.
We're tired of your head games. We're tired of your lies.
A wave to your grim domain and we're headed for the mainland.
Don't bother to object because we've said our last goodbyes.

Juliet: Well, I've lost too many women, and my frazzled head is swimmin'.
I haven't helped at all here, so why should I remain?
I just want to see my sister. Do you know how I've missed her?
Do you realize that nothing's come from keeping me but pain?

Both: So, it's goodbye, Mr. Linus. We won't let you confine us.
We're tired of your head games. We're tired of your lies.
A wave to your grim domain and we're headed for the mainland.
Don't bother to object because we've said our last goodbyes.

Jack: When Sayid came from the jungle with you, torture on his mind,
I saw you bent and bloody and I urged him to be kind.
But now I know your game, Ben, so I think it's quite shame then
That he didn't beat you senseless when he had the chance that day.

Both: So, it's goodbye, Mr. Linus. We won't let you confine us.
We're tired of your head games. We're tired of your lies.
A wave to your grim domain and we're headed for the mainland.
Don't bother to object because we've said our last goodbyes.

Jack: You're a mad manipulator, but you'll yank my strings no more,
And when we board the sub, I won't glance backward toward the shore.
I'm sure that when I'm gone, then you will find another pawn, Ben,
But now I'm calling checkmate on the final game we'll play.

Both: So, it's goodbye, Mr. Linus. We won't let you confine us.
We're tired of your head games. We're tired of your lies.
A wave to your grim domain and we're headed for the mainland.
Don't bother to object because we've said our last goodbyes.

Goodbye Mrs. Durkin

Henry With the Arrow (Sparrow, Paul Simon)

Here's a little ditty to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's Sparrow revolving around season two's One of Them.

Henry With the Arrow

Who shot Henry with the arrow
While wand'ring through the wilderness?
"'Twas I," muttered Danielle.
"I won't take my chances. He could cause distress.
Sayid, don't let him leave; just make him confess."

Who healed Henry with the arrow
Piercing his shoulder like a sword?
"'Twas I," whispered Jack.
"He's a liar, perhaps, but we really can't afford
To be savage and start spreading death and discord."

And who, softly sitting set apart,
Has tortured Henry with the arrow?
"'Twas I," volunteered Sayid.
"I could have delivered a quite fatal blow,
But if he is slain, then what will we know?"

Who is Henry with the arrow,
A man enmeshed in mystery?
"I am," chuckled Ben.
"I'm strangely elated by disharmony.
They've just tossed away their trust, thanks to me."

A Militant Man (An Innocent Man, Billy Joel)

I'm trying to fill in the gaps in my LOST parodies by turning my attention to characters I've largely neglected thus far. One of the most glaring of these is Sayid, whose only appearance was in my very first attempt. I guess he hasn't really grabbed my interest the way some of the others have, largely because he's so darn solemn all the time, but he's an intriguing character and actually one of the reasons I think the Others, or at least some of the Others, aren't so bad. Right off the bat they get us to sympathize with someone who was one of "the bad guys", and it makes us more inclined to consider how apparent enemies might be viewed differently if we looked at things from their perspective.

Sayid is a good man who has done bad things, and though he is mostly ashamed of the harm he inflicted upon others when he felt he had little choice, that experience has hardened him, making him more willing to resort to desperate measures in the desperate times the castaways face. This parody of Billy Joel's An Innocent Man features Sayid at loggerheads with Jack over his desire to use dubious methods to extract information from Sawyer, Henry and Juliet.

A Militant Man

How can he steal from the sick and the poor?
I'd say that Sawyer has plundered enough.
It is his choice to be vilified
Although I don't understand why.

He might give in, Jack. It shouldn't take much
When there's danger in breaking all the rules.
I'm guessing you know what must be done
So Shannon will not have to die.

I need your presence, and that's enough help.
I'll do the dirty work all by myself.
Oh, yes, it's dirty,
But I'm not above
Giving Sawyer a shove.
I'll gladly try it if it helps her heal.
I'm not above using torturing
To restore her health if I can.

I know he took them, though he hasn't told;
I think my torment ought to loosen his tongue.
I'm only able to make men cry
Because I am a militant man.
I am a militant man.
Oh, yes, I am.

You people may be too quick to believe
A shifty stranger whose heart could be dark.
I'm betting he has a secret to tell.
You'd do well to recall we're at war.

They murdered Scott and stole Walt in the night;
They kidnapped Claire and left Charlie for dead.
I'm sorry this makes you queasy, but to trust him,
We must be secure.

We have been living in fear, but today
We might make progress if you let me stay.
I am prepared to use pliers and knives,
But I'll keep him alive.
I'm not about to be ruthless like them.
I only need to persuade him a while.
If he aids us, then I'll still my hand.

If he's the one who can start shedding light
On all the problems plaguing our small clan,
His knowledge should be the perfect excuse
For abuse by a militant man.
I am a militant man.
Oh, yes, I am
A militant man.

What makes you think that Juliet is all right?
She's one of them, and I suspect that she might
Be on a mission.
Jack, how do we know
That she wasn't let go
To do some spying, unsuspected by us?
Would you not love to discover her part
In the Others' well-guarded grand plan?

I'm only asking to hear it from her.
Was leaving her idea or was it his?
I'm afraid Ben will pay her to lie
Because I am a militant man.
I am a militant man.
Oh, yes, I am
A militant man.
Oh, oh, oh, oh...

Henry (Not Ben) (Henry the Eighth, Traditional)

I'm finally, finally caught up on LOST, and I'm in the mood to ramble a bit, so there will be just a bit of spoilerific speculation before I post my parody. It's also padding, because it's one of the shortest I've posted. All but two of my LOST parodies so far have been focused on the group, so I figured it was time I gave more attention to individuals. I'm starting with Henry (who I shan't call Ben because I was too invested in the pseudonym by the time I got the real name). This is partly because I think he's probably the central character of season three - the first part of it anyway - but mostly because his parody popped into my head first.

Incidentally, I made an interesting discovery recently. LOST started on September 22, 2004, my parents' 25th anniversary. I knew it at the time, obviously, but I completely forgot until the show itself reminded me recently. Moreover, season three resumes on February 7, my dad's birthday. Coincidence?

Anyway, I find Henry intriguing. My dad was so disgusted at the treatment he received when he was first introduced that it turned him off of Sayid for a while. Now, whenever he sees the guy, he says, "Boy, that Ben sure is creepy." I felt sorry for him when he was captured. I thought there was a good chance he was an Other and that while Sayid was overly rough with him owing to the deadly combination of his acquired torturing skills and a very recent searing personal loss, the interrogation made sense. But I still wanted to be on Henry's side. And those LOST folks made me like Sawyer and Jin, among others who seemed initially unsavory, so why should they begrudge me a little sympathy for this fellow?

Still, his behavior makes very little sense to me. If he knew all along what his purposes were for Jack, why in the world did he take so long to fetch him? Days count for a lot when you have a malignant tumor, so I would think the proper course of action would have been to speed on over to the wreckage on that little motorboat and say, "Hey, there! I'm Ben, and I live just across the island. Welcome aboard! We've got food and shelter and... oh, yes, advanced medical equipment. I don't suppose there's anyone here who would care to get this pesky tumor off my back?"

Of course, maybe he actually didn't know about the tumor until Jack told him, in which case his reasons for acquiring him were different, and probably more sinister: to deprive the castaways of their leader, or their doctor. Or at least to have an extra doctor in reserve for the Others. Whatever the reasons, I don't see the point of all the dastardly deeds and deceptions. If they are indeed "the good guys," as he claims, why can't they just play nice? I suppose that means they aren't the good guys. Whatever the case may be, I hope the show does some explaining soon, because these Others sure are befuddling.

In any event, here's a parody of I'm Henry the Eighth, I Am, the Herman's Hermits version. Though it captures him in a moment of blatant falsehood, here's to the notion that there might be some good in Henry - beg your pardon, Ben - after all.

Henry (Not Ben)

I'm Henry (not Ben), I am,
Henry (not Ben) I am, I am.
I crash-landed on the thick jungle floor.
My balloon and my wife are no more.
And yes, my first name is Henry (Henry).
I'm innocent and helpless as a lamb (a lamb).
I'm the victim here. I'm Henry.
Henry (not Ben) I am.

Think you're cursed?
I've had it worse!

I'm Henry (not Ben), I am,
Henry (not Ben) I am, I am.
I crash-landed on the thick jungle floor,
My balloon and my wife are no more.
And yes, my first name is Henry (Henry).
I'm innocent and helpless as a lamb (a lamb).
I'm the victim here. I'm Henry.
Henry (not Ben) I am.

I'm Henry (not Ben), I am,
Henry (not Ben) I am, I am.
I crash-landed on the thick jungle floor.
My balloon and my wife are no more.
And yes, my first name is Henry (Henry).
I'm innocent and helpless as a lamb (a lamb).
I'm the victim here. I'm Henry.
Henry (not Ben) I am.

Henry. Henry Gale!
Henry, Henry.
Henry (not Ben) I am, I am.
Henry (not Ben) I am.