Flaming Arrows (Burning Bridges, Lalo Schifrin)

One of my all-time favorite movie theme songs is Burning Bridges, from Kelly's Heroes. Here's a little dying rant from LOST's Neil, aka Frogurt, whose run on the show was as brief as it was bizarre...

Flaming Arrows

Scott - or was it Steve? Heck, even I don’t really know -
Took a fatal dose of Ethan several weeks ago.
Leslie got himself blown up into a billion bits.
This Minor Player status is the pits.

All the flaming arrows that came whizzing through the trees,
All the faded glory of my frogurt fantasies,
All the trials I endured away from prying eyes.
Flaming arrows! One more redshirt dies.

Had my eye on Libby, who was pretty as could be.
Figured she’d be happy to take a chance on me.
Well, Tubby got there first, though why she liked him, I can’t say.
Stuck with him, and she got blown away.

All the flaming arrows that came whizzing through the trees,
All the faded glory of my frogurt fantasies,
All the trials I endured away from prying eyes.
Flaming arrows! One more redshirt dies.

Nikki and poor Paolo got the short end of the stick.
No one ever really cared too much what made them tick.
It’s no surprise my number’s up. I guess I always knew.
I hope that Bernie somehow makes it through.

All the flaming arrows that came whizzing through the trees,
All the faded glory of my frogurt fantasies,
All the trials I endured away from prying eyes.
Flaming arrows! One more redshirt dies.
Flaming arrows! One more redshirt dies.

I'm Lost Without...

This past Christmas, I received a shirt that reads "I'M LOST WITHOUT CHARLIE". Turns out it was prophetic, since Charlie's run on the show actually ended with the conclusion of the third season. He's one of my four absolutely favorite characters. Luckily, the other three remain, but meanwhile other folks have been getting whacked left and right. It troubles me. Hence, this little rant...

I'm Lost Without...

I'm lost without Charlie, musician and hero.
I'm lost without Shannon and Boone.
I'm lost without Eko, whose death by Old Smokey
Seemed random and happened too soon.

I'm lost without gun-toting Ana Lucia.
I'm lost without Nikki the ditz.
I'm lost without Paolo, Joanna and Leslie,
Who got himself blown into bits.

I'm lost without Libby, collateral damage
And Hurley's best shot at romance.
I'm lost without dangerous Bonnie and Greta,
Who never had much of a chance.

I'm lost without Ryan, Colleen and Naomi.
I'm lost without Donald and Scott.
I'm lost without Roger and Kelvin, the putzes
Whose passing propelled the whole plot.

I'm lost without Danny, irascible hothead.
I'm lost without friendly foe Tom.
I'm lost without Goodwin, that overgrown boy scout.
I'm lost without vile Ethan Rom.

I'm lost without Edward, the dude with the shrapnel.
I'm lost without Cooper and Klugh.
I'm lost without Pilot-Whose-Name-Wasn't-Mentioned
And maybe without Mikhail too.

O Damon and Carlton, desist with the slaughter!
Have mercy! Consider the cost
Of killing each character I've come to love, lest
At last I am lost without LOST!

I Can't Take a Shower (You Don't Bring Me Flowers, Alan & Marilyn Bergman)

This parody of You Don't Bring Me Flowers is set in LOST's first season, but it bounces around a bit, so it's a montage of moments in which various characters are disgruntled with some aspect of island life. (Didn't I catch a glimpse of Sullivan in this week's episode? Why don't we see more of him? He's annoying but endearing...)

I Can't Take a Shower

Nikki: I can't take a shower.
Charlie: I can't play my rock songs.
Shannon: It's hard for me to breathe anymore.
Sawyer: Heck, I don't have a door
To keep bandits away.

Scott: I remember when
I had a roof above me.
Steve: I sure miss my TV.
Claire: No peanut butter jars are in sight.
Hurley: It's a bummer, dude.
Folks are starting to fight.
We don't have a stove or
A fridge, and some night,
My Walkman won't have power anymore.

Jack: They tell me I'm a natural
Leader, but I never
Intended to lead people before.
Boone: Shannon lays on the shore,
Doing nothing all day.

Sun: I'd gladly be a member
Of the group; why won't he
Let us interact?
Jin: I'm protecting my wife.
We must never give up
Living our private life.
Walt: I wish I had a turn
Using Mr. Locke's knife.
Michael: Don't call me a coward anymore!

Sullivan: Man, this rash really burns,
And it's causing me strife.
Vincent: Won't somebody feed me?
I hope I'm not lost long.
Paolo: I can't take a shower anymore.

The Perfect Crime (The Longest Time, Billy Joel)

Billy Joel's The Longest Time is one of my favorite songs. LOST's Nikki and Paolo are two of my least favorite fictional characters. Oh, the irony...

The Perfect Crime

Nikki and Paolo: Whoa-oa-oa-oa, it was the perfect crime.
Whoa-oa-oa, it was the perfect...

Nikki: Listen, Paolo, it just isn't right
Claiming stealing would prevent a fight.
Now I despise you.
I want to traumatize you.
I bet you thought it was the perfect crime.

Once we worked together on this con.
Now your credibility is gone.
Oh, you astound me!
Hope that spider bites you soundly.
I bet you thought it was the perfect crime.

Nikki and Paolo: Whoa-oa-oa-oa, it was the perfect crime.
Whoa-oa-oa, it was the perfect...

Paolo: Nikki, tell me how you have the gall
To confront me, acting so appalled.
I'm only needy
Because you're way too greedy.
I bet you thought it was the perfect crime.

Did you plan this end all along
And plot spider bites
While playing ping-pong?
Baby, your heart's blacker than tar.
I have been scarred,
And I'm just a big dope, for

I believed you cuz you turned me on.

Nikki: Don't you pin this thing on me, Don Juan!
Your bold advances
Swept me up like ballroom dances.
I bet you thought it was the perfect crime.

"She's a blond; she's not very smart,"
You said to yourself
As I played my part.
It was my worst acting gig by far.

Paolo: You gladly played the star
In your own private soap, for

You can't get enough of pampering.

Nikki: So says you, the one with all the bling.
But now it's too bad
You'll have to drop those doodads.
Bet you didn't think I'd thwart the perfect crime.

Nikki and Paolo: Whoa-oa-oa-oa, it was the perfect crime.
Whoa-oa-oa, it was the perfect crime.
Whoa-oa-oa-oa, it was the perfect crime.
Whoa-oa-oa, it was the perfect crime...