Bad Month (Bad Day, Daniel Powter)

"You're havin' a bad month." - John to Walt, Pilot, Part 2

"Vincent - I tethered him to a tree just over there. I know that Walt lost his mom. I thought that you should be the one to bring his dog back to him."- John to Michael, Tabula Rasa

For some reason, Michael and Walt are two characters I've neglected somewhat, but I love John's interaction with Walt in the pilot and his facilitation of his reunion with Vincent in Tabula Rasa.  I would imagine that, given how poorly he was parented, he is especially hopeful that Michael will give Walt the kind of love and guidance he himself so sorely needed.

Bad Month

Michael, I know what he’s missing the most,

And would you believe that I found what he lost?

I tethered his Lab up to that tree,

But credit for that won’t go to me.

It should be you who brings his dog.

You feel like your boy’s just a kid you don’t know;

As long as you try, you will learn as you go.

He needs a good dad, and you’ll do fine.

You’ll manage to make up for lost time.

It should be you who brings his dog

‘Cause he’s had a bad month.  He’s gotta feel down,

But he can stay strong since he has you around.

As long as he knows his dad’s on his side,

Your wandering child’s gonna take it in stride.

He’s had a bad month.  He watched his mom die.

Los Angeles bound, he was thrown from the sky.

He’s had a bad month.  He’s had a bad month.

Before he wakes up, just slip away.

Get Vincent and brighten up his day.

It should be you who brings his dog.

He’s had a bad month.  He’s gotta feel down,

But he can stay strong since he has you around.

As long as he knows his dad’s on his side,

Your wandering child’s gonna take it in stride.

He’s had a bad month.  He watched his mom die.

Los Angeles bound, he was thrown from the sky.

He’s had a bad month.  Oh, what a lousy month!

Sadly, a son can struggle and sink

If a parent he trusts is gone.

Before you make it back to L.A.,

He ought to know that you’re the one

He can count on.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So hurry and go, and I swear I won’t boast.

Just you and I

Will know how you found what was hopelessly lost.

‘Cause he’s had a bad month.  He’s gotta feel down,

But he can stay strong since he has you around.

As long as he knows his dad’s on his side,

Your wandering child’s gonna take it in stride.

He’s had a bad month.  He watched his mom die.

He met you and thought, “Who’s this guy?”

He’s had a bad month.  He had a bad month.

Had a bad month.  Had a bad month.  Had a bad month…

We Ain't Done (Day Is Done, Peter Yarrow)

"You and me ain't done, Zeke." - Sawyer, The Hunting Party

There's way too much revenge floating around the Island on LOST. Here's Sawyer to the tune of Peter Yarrow's Day Is Done.


We Ain’t Done

Listen, Zeke, I know what you did.
I was right there when you snatched the kid.
I don’t speak destiny, but you bein’ here
Seems like fate, and your reckoning’s near.
Feel the fear.

Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done.

I can tell you what Hugo will say:
“Come on, dude, please put your pistol away!”
He’s naive, and he just doesn’t know
That this is the way it should go.
I’m sure of it, though.

Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done.

Spent my whole life lookin’ to kill.
Got rid of Sawyer, but the drive is there still.
I don’t know, guess it isn’t so wise,
But when I find a guy I despise,
Then I say he dies.

Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done.

Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done...

Day Is Done

Hush, Little Aaron (Hush, Little Baby, Traditional)

During the first couple of months of his life, Aaron had all sorts of people around him to try to keep him quiet and happy. Here's a little lullaby about that, to the tune of Anne Murray's version of Hush, Little Baby.

Hush, Little Aaron

Hush, little Aaron, don’t be so blue.
Charlie’s gonna play his guitar for you.
And if his guitar pops a string,
Claire is gonna hold you and softly sing.
And if her singing voice is hoarse,
Hurley’s gonna stand still and use the Force.
And if his Jedi juice is tapped,
Sawyer’s lilting reading will leave you rapt.
And if his reading glasses break,
Jack is gonna check for a stomachache.
And if he learns that you're not sickly,
John is gonna find out if you are tickly.
And if you're scared because he is scarred,
Michael’s gonna draw you a funny card.
And if that doesn’t make you smile,
You’ll still be the sweetest baby on the whole isle.

The End (American Pie, Don McLean)

Working through my feelings on the end of LOST a couple weeks ahead of time. Darlton, are you listening?

The End (A LOSTie’s Salute)

A long, long time ago,
Back when television was an idle, passionless routine,
An epic promo stopped me cold.
It seemed like cinematic gold
Created for a more convenient screen.
A fiery crash, a pressing query,
A score that sounded more than eerie.
I embraced this new show,
This fresh Robinson Crusoe,
This stunning tale of tattered lives.
Even if I’m pleased with who survives,
It’s sure to cut like John Locke’s knives
The day The End arrives.

A dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Do you know I came to love
All the folks who fell from far above
In September of ‘04?
And I soon made room inside my soul
For one crazed Scotsman in a hole
And Ben, who isn’t Henry anymore.
I’ve envisioned Richard as a sage
Since I noticed that he doesn’t age.
Fantastic Frank’s a find,
And I dig dear dizzy Dan's mind.
I sympathized with Dogen’s tragic case,
And Ilana touched me with her quiet grace.
I just don’t see how I can face
The day The End arrives.

I guarantee a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Now for six years, it’s been on the air.
No other series can quite compare
In terms of sheer complexity.
Every episode hides a crucial clue.
Stranger in a Strange Land matters too,
Though tattoos are not exactly key.
Who’d’ve thought that run-down DHARMA van
Would fuel a hero’s rescue plan?
Who knew the code equates
To Jacob’s Candidates?
You’ve dropped crumbs along the twisted trail.
What tiny Season One detail
Will clinch who wins and who will fail
The day The End arrives?

I’m convinced a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Faith and reason, loyalty and treason,
Enigmas deepening every season.
Cuselof, I tip my hat.
The polar bears, Hurley bird
And ancient monster are so absurd;
I appreciate it all the more for that.
There’s a four-toed statue on the beach.
When wet Walt spouted garbled speech
And Jacob’s cabin shook,
I had to take another look.
How do pylons form a Smokey shield
And why are Temple bathers healed?
What mysteries will be revealed
The day The End arrives?

I guarantee a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Now all those phrases are in my head,
Like “Are you him?” and “Dead is dead”
And “Live together, die alone.”
“Don’t mistake a coincidence for fate!”
And Jack’s cry, “We have to go back, Kate!”
By leaps and bounds, the lexicon has grown.
It’s always a hoot to spout the names
So snarkily assigned by James.
Though “Jabba’s” kinda mean,
I’m keen on “Mr. Clean”.
All the allusions make me feel obtuse.
How many more will you produce?
My library card will get some use
The day The End arrives.

I’m convinced a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

I said farewell to Jin and Sun.
Sadly, Charlie’s rock star days are done -
In this dimension, anyway.
Scott and Eko had violent deaths,
And I always will remember Seth’s,
Since you deigned to turn the pilot into prey.
From fatal falls and time disease
To filicide (curse you, Eloise!),
You’ve shown a special talent
For killing off the gallant.
Michael wound up a remorseful ghost.
Sayid repented and then was toast.
I wonder who I’ll miss the most
The day The End arrives.

I guarantee a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

I’m convinced a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Man's Best Friend (Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend, Jule Styne, Leo Robin)

Throughout much of the first season, there seemed to be a spark of possible romance between Sun and Michael, and Jin seemed like such a jerk at the time that many wanted this sweet relationship with a down-on-his-luck guy to develop in that direction. But by the time the mobisode Buried Secrets came out, we'd been through three seasons with these characters, and while I felt sorry for Michael, I laughed with relief when Vincent came bounding in to stop him and Sun from kissing and bringing further complications to one of the most intense couples on the show. Here, I address Mobisode Sun to the tune of Marilyn Monroe's Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend.

Man’s Best Friend

You say your husband’s lost your love,
So you might do something stupid.
Though Michael may be kind indeed,
Don’t heed the call of Cupid.

A kiss on the lips would be quite devastating.
Yes, you’ve been saved by Man’s Best Friend!
A kiss would eclipse all Jin’s reasons for hating
Rugged Island life. Oh, it would cut him like a knife.
Sun, you know that he can throw
Such a tantrum when at his wits’ end.
Just think of the bother
If you smooched Walt’s father!
You’ve been saved by Man’s Best Friend.

Loneliness. Bitterness.
Those are your feelings.
Michael’s so sympathetic
That he’s got you reeling.

The pooch came in time
To prevent a disaster.
Yes, you’ve been saved by Man’s Best Friend.
The pooch came in time
To deliver his master
From your husband’s ire
And from the fire of your desire.

You and Jin
Could start again.
Yes, your marriage could be on the mend.
This one indiscretion
Could fuel a regression.
You’ve been saved by Man’s Best Friend.

You had an affair,
And you don’t need another.
Yes, you’ve been saved by Man’s Best Friend.
You’ll rue the affair
When you learn you’re a mother
And be so glad
That Jin’s the dad your baby had.

Vincent’s bark
Has doused the spark.
An inferno was just ‘round the bend.
You feel some regret now,
But you’re in his debt now.

Vincent. Vincent.
He’s kept you inn’cent.
Yes, you’ve been saved by Man’s Best, Best Friend.

Michael, Build the Raft with Jin (Michael, Row the Boat Ashore, Traditional)

Here's a very simple ditty harkening back to very simple days on LOST, back when it seemed possible that getting off the Island could be as simple as Michael building a raft. Set to the tune of the Highwaymen's version of Michael, Row the Boat Ashore.

Michael, Build the Raft with Jin

Michael, build the raft with Jin.
Leave the Island.
New adventures will begin.
Leave the Island.

Sawyer, help to lend a hand.
Leave the Island.
Don’t lie lounging in the sand.
Leave the Island.

Michael, build the raft with Jin.
Leave the Island.
New adventures will begin.
Leave the Island.

Mr. Locke will be helping you, Walt.
Leave the Island.
Won’t reveal that the fire’s your fault.
Leave the Island.

Michael, build the raft with Jin.
Leave the Island.
New adventures will begin.
Leave the Island.

A little more work to do and then you
Leave the Island.
Who knows what you’ll have to face when you
Leave the Island?

Michael, build the raft with Jin.
Leave the Island.
New adventures will begin.
Leave the Island.

Bye, Australia! (Sing Australia, John Denver)

My very first LOST parody was a group song, but I've only had a few let's-get-as-many-characters-involved-as-we-can-style parodies. I figured it was time for another one. Here's one that crams in 30 815 passengers, I think; most have a line, some are mentioned by others. To the tune of John Denver's Sing Australia, this imagines their thoughts en route to L. A. (in the original timeline).

Bye, Australia!

Hurley: I came to Australia to break the Numbers curse.
Jack: I came to find my father; didn’t think I would need a hearse.
Boone: Came to help my step-sister.
Arzt: Came here for a date.
John: I came for a walkabout; I was four years too late.

Rose: We were here on our honeymoon.
Bernard: I came to help her heal.
Nikki: I arrived as an actress but I found some gems to steal.
Charlie: Liam is on my black list since he won’t revive the band.
Kate: Maybe I’ll find some way to lose the Marshal when we land.

Hurley: I’m unlucky.
Kate: I am plucky.
Jack: I’m a surgeon of great renown.
Charlie: I’m a druggie.
John: I had a purpose, but Australia let me down.

Michael: Walt is my son, but I bet I’m a lousy dad.
Sawyer: Killed a guy I didn’t know; now I’m feelin’ bad.
Sun: Do I still love my husband?
Jin: Could Sun still be in love with me?
Neil: Excuse me while I dream of a frogurt factory.

Sayid: Will Nadia embrace me when we meet again at last?
Shannon: I made my brother chase me.
Eko: I have a sordid past.
Gary: I hope Bad Twin’s a winner.
Steve: I’ll go by Scott someday.
Claire: I’m scared to see this couple waiting in L. A.

Sawyer: I’m a killer.
Gary: Wrote a thriller.
Sayid: I am headed for my true love.
Claire: Funny how it all seems so tiny when we’re watching from above.

Cindy: Bye, Australia!
Paolo: Bye, Australia!
Ana Lucia: Bye, Australia!
Libby: Bye, Australia!

Seth: Folks, I hope your belts are buckled,
‘Cause this plane is goin’ down!

Sing Australia

Stealing Walt (Steal Away, Phil Coulter)

As I count down the days until the final season of LOST begins, one way to whet my appetite is with a few more parodies. Here's a throwback to season one to the tune of Phil Coulter's Steal Away.

Stealing Walt

Others: Stealing Walt, we’re stealing Walt.
It’s really not our fault.
When bossed by Ben,
We’re mousy men,
And so we’re stealing Walt.

Tom: We’re stealing Walt, a special kid.
I hope we seem like hicks now.
It’s tough to keep my voice so gruff,
And boy, does this beard itch now.

Others: Stealing Walt, we’re stealing Walt.
It’s really not our fault.
When bossed by Ben,
We’re mousy men,
And so we’re stealing Walt.

Tom: We’ll leave his dad in misery
And obsessed with his retrieval.
Oh, I don’t like to mess with Mike;
I’m afraid this might make him evil.

Others: Stealing Walt, we’re stealing Walt.
It’s really not our fault.
When bossed by Ben,
We’re mousy men,
And so we’re stealing Walt.

Stealing Walt, we’re stealing Walt.
It’s really not our fault.
When bossed by Ben,
We’re mousy men,
And so we’re stealing Walt.

Why Did You Shoot Me? (Why Don't You Write Me?, Paul Simon)

I'd say John has a pretty good reason to be ticked off with Ben. Here's a little rant to the tune of Why Don't You Write Me?

Why Did You Shoot Me?

Why did you shoot me
Way deep in the jungle
Because I could hear him?
Why did you think that your power would shrink
With me near him?
Ben Linus,
Why did you shoot?

Ben, what went wrong?
Once I thought I was your buddy.
You double-crossed me, and now I am lost
And all bloody.

Tell me why! (Why, why?)
Tell me why! (Why, why?)

Why did you shoot me?
You tried to recruit me,
And I would have joined you.
Now there's no way
Since you're spurning fair play.
I'm annoyed by you,
Ben Linus...

Do you feel remorse for what you've done?
Sending your guys to kidnap Kate and Sun.
Making Michael kill those girls.
Taking Cooper for a ride
So I'd be a party to patricide.
Ben, you ought to be
Investing in some major psychotherapy.
Why did you shoot me?
Why did you shoot me?
Why did you shoot me?
Why did you shoot me?
Why did you shoot me?
Why did you shoot me?
Why did you shoot me?

I Can't Take a Shower (You Don't Bring Me Flowers, Alan & Marilyn Bergman)

This parody of You Don't Bring Me Flowers is set in LOST's first season, but it bounces around a bit, so it's a montage of moments in which various characters are disgruntled with some aspect of island life. (Didn't I catch a glimpse of Sullivan in this week's episode? Why don't we see more of him? He's annoying but endearing...)

I Can't Take a Shower

Nikki: I can't take a shower.
Charlie: I can't play my rock songs.
Shannon: It's hard for me to breathe anymore.
Sawyer: Heck, I don't have a door
To keep bandits away.

Scott: I remember when
I had a roof above me.
Steve: I sure miss my TV.
Claire: No peanut butter jars are in sight.
Hurley: It's a bummer, dude.
Folks are starting to fight.
We don't have a stove or
A fridge, and some night,
My Walkman won't have power anymore.

Jack: They tell me I'm a natural
Leader, but I never
Intended to lead people before.
Boone: Shannon lays on the shore,
Doing nothing all day.

Sun: I'd gladly be a member
Of the group; why won't he
Let us interact?
Jin: I'm protecting my wife.
We must never give up
Living our private life.
Walt: I wish I had a turn
Using Mr. Locke's knife.
Michael: Don't call me a coward anymore!

Sullivan: Man, this rash really burns,
And it's causing me strife.
Vincent: Won't somebody feed me?
I hope I'm not lost long.
Paolo: I can't take a shower anymore.

We Wish We Could Find an Isthmus (We Wish You a Merry Christmas, Traditional)

Here's another LOST / Christmas carol combination, this one to the tune of Peter Paul and Mary's version of We Wish You a Merry Christmas.

We Wish We Could Find an Isthmus

Since we came here, there's a lot that we miss,
So is it so strange that we're thinking like this?

We wish we could find an isthmus,
We wish we could find an isthmus,
We wish we could find an isthmus
So we'd not be stuck here.
We wish we could find an isthmus,
We wish we could find an isthmus,
We wish we could find an isthmus
So we'd not be stuck here.
Since Michael and Jin's old raft was done in,
We wish we could find an isthmus
So we'd not be stuck here.

We hate Sawyer's piggy looting,
We hate Sawyer's piggy looting,
We hate Sawyer's piggy looting
And Locke's ominous leer.
And we don't care if Jack is handsome,
We don't care if Jack is handsome,
We don't care if Jack is handsome;
We're tired of his sneer.
Since Michael and Jin's old raft was done in,
We wish we could find an isthmus
So we'd not be stuck here.

Since we came here, there's a lot that we miss,
So is it so strange that we're thinking like this?
Turns out that we loved our cities and towns;
We hope someone noticed that we're not around.

Hurley! Eko! Bernard and Rose!
We've learned all the names but nobody knows
If we who were lost here will ever be found,
If we who were lost here will ever be found.

We wish we could find an isthmus,
We wish we could find an isthmus,
We wish we could find an isthmus
So we'd not be stuck here.
We wish we could find an isthmus,
We wish we could find an isthmus,
We wish we could find an isthmus
So we'd not be stuck here.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas

The Castaways' Rhapsody (Bohemian Rhapsody, Freddie Mercury)

This morning, I mentioned to my brother Nathan that I wanted to write a song about LOST but hadn't yet settled on an appropriate song, having rejected Gilligan's Island as too obvious and subsequently used it for another parody. "Bohemian Rhapsody!" he exclaimed. And I must applaud him, because it was an inspired suggestion, and one I might not have thought of by myself. What follows is a mass of festering schizophrenia, but I hope you will find it as fun to read as I found it to write. The names in bold are to indicate the speakers; just imagine a massive music video containing every member of the principal cast and then some...

The Castaways' Rhapsody

Castaways: Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Who knew that plane ride
Would conclude in calamity?
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see...
Boone: I'd be a hero, but Jack will not let me
Because he's sure that he's in the know.
Hurley: I'm getting vertigo.
Why'd I have to win the -
Boone: Nothing I do matters...
Hurley: - dumb lottery?

Kate: Sawyer, I killed a man.
Now the one I love is dead.
I wish it was me instead.
Sun and Jin: We are both Korean and
We cannot understand a thing you say.
Michael: Walter, ooooh, didn't mean to make you cry.
You bum me out because you didn't miss me.
Walt: Vincent's gone, Vincent's gone,
And my dad keeps getting madder.

Charlie: I hate that my drugs are gone.
Jack: I know that I'm a hunk
And I think that Boone is bunk.
Claire: I am really pregnant. This baby is
Gonna finally pop out of me any day.
Sawyer: Freckles, oooooh, (Sun: I wonder if Jin knows?) caught you in a lie,
But I will keep your secret if you just kiss me.

Hurley: I know the numbers on that map are evil, man.
Danielle: I'm uncouth! I'm uncouth!
And I killed my whole gang.
Sayid: Oh, look, electric lighting!
This woman is frightening me...
Sawyer: We can't stay.
Kate: No, we should stay.
Jin: No, we can't stay.
Locke: No, we should stay.
Michael: No, we can't stay.
Walt: No, we should stay - wait, better go...

Locke: I'm just an old guy. Nobody trusts me.
Everyone Else: He's just a man whose dad stole his kidney.
Sawyer: I shot a bear but they still yell at me.
Sayid: Crazy French lady, oh, will you let me go?
Pilot: The monster! No!
Felled Boar: I ran a bit too slow.
Jin: Let me go!
Kate: The monster!
Vincent: Where did that Walt kid go?
Charlie: Let her go!
Shannon: The monster!
Polar Bear: I ought to find some snow...
Claire: Let him go!
The Others: That kid's ours, you know.
Walt: Let me go!
Perplexed (But Enthusiastic) Viewers: What a crazy show!
The Island: They should go...
Enthusiastic (But Perplexed) Viewers: No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
Michael: Oh, there must be a -
Jin: There must be a -
Michael and Jin: - way to get off if we row.
Charlie: I'm in Drive Shaft, and You All Everybody was such a hit for me!

Marshal: So you think you're a hero and have a good eye?
So nice of you to shoot me and leave me to die!
Shannon: I'm lazy
And my step-brother's crazy.
Michael, Jin and Sawyer: Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here.

Michael, Jin and Sawyer: This raft's kind of tattered.
Hope it's sea-worthy.
Castaways: Our lives have been shattered.
Fulfilled Viewers: But you make us gladder
Each week...

Everyone: Hear the ocean wind blow...