We Wonder Who His Ex Is (Deep in the Heart of Texas, June Hershey / Don Swander)

After Lighthouse revealed that Jack had a son, there was a lot of speculation as to who David's mother might be.  Here's a little ditty about that to the tune of the cowboy song Deep in the Heart of Texas.

We Wonder Who His Ex Is

Although we’re glad that Jack’s a dad,
We wonder who his ex is.
She left the kid with Jack and hid.
We wonder who his ex is.

So let’s debate.  Could it be Kate?
We wonder who his ex is.
Or Ana Lu’s an option too.
We wonder who his ex is.

Will Sarah be the mom we see?
We wonder who his ex is.
Or better yet is Juliet.
We wonder who his ex is.

We have the names of lots of dames.
We wonder who his ex is.
Why won’t the show just let us know?
We wonder who his ex is.

Who-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo?


Deep in the Heart of Texas

Any Team Will Do (Any Dream Will Do, Andrew Lloyd Webber / Tim Rice)

As LOST draws to a close, I've been noticing a lot of fans identifying themselves as Team Jacob or Team Smokey, or to a lesser extent simply Team Whatever-Their-Favorite-Character-Is.  Here's a little ditty about that, to the tune of Any Dream Will Do from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.  (For the record, I'm Team Jacob, or if we're talking more generally, Team Hurley.)

Any Team Will Do

Just close your eyes
And pick a winner:
A saint, a sinner,
Someone old or new.
Prepare to say
Who you’re defending
As we near the ending.
Any Team will do.

Will you promote (Will you promote)
The man in black clothes?  (Ah...)
Do you think Jack knows (Ah...)
How to see things through?
Is Sawyer tops (Is Sawyer tops)
Although he’s surly? (Ah...)
Do you honk for Hurley? (Ah...)
Any Team will do.

Well, one side’s dark
And one is light,
And we’ve been dragged
Into the fight.
So demonstrate with shirts and buttons
Whose Team you are on.

Though Jacob’s dead, (Though Jacob’s dead,)
Is he the ruler? (Ah...)
Is Richard cooler (Ah...)
Than the chosen few?
Are you for Ben (Are you for Ben)
Or Aaron’s mother? (Ah...)
Is Des your brother? (Ah...)
Any Team will do.

Any Team, any Team will...
Any Team, any Team will do.
Any Team, any Team will...
Any Team, any Team will do.

A New Color (True Colors, Tom Kelly / Billy Steinberg)

As any faithful fan of the original Star Trek series knows, unless you're Scotty or Uhura, you don't really want to be wearing a red shirt if you're serving on the U. S. S. Enterprise. The tradition of killing off redshirts has persisted throughout many subsequent science fiction series, and LOST is no exception. Usually, these minor characters don't literally wear such identifying garb. But because of the association, whenever someone does wear red, it makes people nervous. It hasn't escaped fans' attention that both Hurley and Desmond are in red shirts this season. They're much too integral to the show to actually be "redshirts". But could their fashion choices be a warning of dreadful things to come? Here's some rumination from the fan perspective to the tune of Cyndi Lauper's True Colors.

A New Color

Huggable Hurley, voice of the viewer,
It’s too early to see you get skewered.
You’re a man of the people, picked to be a Candidate.
You deserve to avoid a lowly redshirt’s fate.

So you need a new color. Change your shirt.
You need a new color before it can hurt you.
‘Cause when you wear red, the reaper’s near.
A new color, new color will calm us down.
We’re freaked out here.

You’re on this Island. Desmond, you’re rattled
That you’re back again though you’ve bravely battled.
To keep from going crazy, keep your Constant inside your soul.
Watch out for John and don’t get tossed in a hole.

And you need a new color. Change your shirt.
You need a new color before it can hurt you.
‘Cause when you wear red, the reaper’s near.
A new color, a new color will calm us down.
We’re freaked out here.

Why was Widmore bent on bringing you back?
To keep from going crazy, keep Penny inside your soul.
Watch out for John and don’t get tossed in a hole.

And you need a new color. Change your shirt.
You need a new color before it can hurt you.
‘Cause when you wear red, the reaper’s near.
A new color, new color, new color will calm us down.
You need a new color before it can hurt you.
‘Cause when you wear red, the reaper’s near.
A new color, new color will calm us down.
We’re freaked out here.

Give Them Life (All This Joy, John Denver)

LOST is chock-full of fascinating characters. But if I had to pinpoint the four most important, at least of those we've known from the very first season, I'd have to go with Jack, Sawyer, Hurley and John. Here's a little dialogue between head writers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse and viewers, to the tune of John Denver's All This Joy.

Give Them Life

Darlton: This is Jack.
This is Sawyer.
This is Hurley.
This is John.

He’s a doc.
He’s a conman.
He’s a rich man.
He’s a chump.

Pity poor Jack.
Pity poor Sawyer.
Pity poor Hurley.
Pity poor John.

He lacks faith.
He lacks scruples.
He lacks self-worth.
He lacks life.

Viewers: Please save Jack.
Please save Sawyer.
Please save Hurley
And please save John.

Just give him faith.
Give him scruples.
Give him self-worth.
Give him life.

Darlton: We’ll save Jack.
We’ll save Sawyer.
We’ll save Hurley.
We’ll save John.

He’ll find faith.
He’ll find scruples.
He’ll find self-worth.
He’ll find life.

They’ll have self-worth.
They’ll have life.

Lapidus (Candida, Tony Orlando)

Frank Lapidus is only a sliver below Daniel when it comes to my favorite characters introduced in the second half of LOST. Candid, caustic, but someone who will really stick his neck out. And I get the feeling that if he'd been piloting Flight 815 as intended, the landing would've been a little smoother. Here's a tribute to him, to the tune of Tony Orlando and Dawn's Candida.

Lapidus

Your landing was clean on the Island grass so green
Where you saw the cow you mentioned to Miles.
Though you barely knew any of the Island crew
You protected them with your wiles.

Oh, Lapidus!
So heroic and harried.
You knew that Seth Norris was married -
That it was a phony site.
Oh, Lapidus!
You have the strength of a cedar,
The noble heart of a leader.
Glad ya flew the second flight.

We freely admit we loved your caustic kind of wit
When you grumbled, “We‘re not goin' to Guam, are we?”.
You think the Island’s weird and you’ll soon grow back your beard,
But Frank, you’re right where we want you to be.

Oh, Lapidus!
So heroic and harried.
You knew that Seth Norris was married -
That it was a phony site.
Oh, Lapidus!
You have the strength of a cedar,
The noble heart of a leader.
Glad ya flew the second flight.

Though you barely knew any of the Island crew
You took a risk and you preserved them with your wiles.

Oh, Frank Lapidus!
So heroic and harried.
You knew that Seth Norris was married -
That it was a phony site.
Oh, Frank Lapidus!
You have the strength of a cedar,
The noble heart of a leader.
Glad ya flew the second flight.

The Hidden Hatch (The Rattlin' Bog, Traditional)

One of the most intriguing mysteries LOST handed us was the question of what was in the hatch that John and Boone found hidden in the jungle. In season two, we got our answer. I imagine this song, to the tune of the Irish Rovers' version of The Rattlin' Bog, as a dialogue between the viewers and head writers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse, and I like how the structure of the song drops one piece of the puzzle at a time, just like the show. I also like how, at least as I see it, at the heart of the hatch is Love, especially if we can see the hatch as a metaphor for the show.

The Hidden Hatch

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: Well, in that hatch,
There is a hall, a long hall, a spooky hall.
Hall in the hatch
And the hatch out in the jungle-o.

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: And down the hall,
There is a room, a large room, a gloomy room.
Room down the hall
And the hall in the hatch
And the hatch out in the jungle-o.

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: And in that room,
There is a Scot, a crazed Scot, a lonely Scot.
Scot in the room
And the room down the hall
And the hall in the hatch
And the hatch out in the jungle-o.

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: And by that Scot,
There is some booze, some strong booze, some bottled booze.
Booze by the Scot
And the Scot in the room
And the room down the hall
And the hall in the hatch
And the hatch out in the jungle-o.

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: And by the booze,
There is a book, an old book, a Dickens book.
Book by the booze
And the booze by the Scot
And the Scot in the room
And the room down the hall
And the hall in the hatch
And the hatch out in the jungle-o.

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: And in that book,
There is a note, a short note, a secret note.
Note in the book
And the book by the booze
And the booze by the Scot
And the Scot in the room
And the room down the hall
And the hall in the hatch
And the hatch out in the jungle-o.

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: And in that note
Are words of love, of true love, of constant love.
Love in the note
And the note in the book
And the book by the booze
And the booze by the Scot
And the Scot in the room
And the room down the hall
And the hall in the hatch
And the hatch out in the jungle-o.

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: That’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o.
That’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o!

The Island's Call (Ireland's Call, Phil Coulter)

It's getting very close now to the time when LOST will return for his sixth and final season. The excitement is palpable. Here's a song to reflect that, to the tune of Phil Coulter's Ireland's Call.

The Island's Call

Island, Island

Year by year, we've watched, enraptured.
Now, it's come to the conclusion,
And a single question haunts every mind:
Can there be a decent resolution?

Island, Island,
You've mesmerized us all.
For one more season,
We'll heed the Island's call.

What's the day, and what's the hour
ABC will keep us gazing?
We don't mind LOST airing at 3 a.m.
If the last installments are amazing.

Island, Island,
You've mesmerized us all.
For one more season,
We'll heed the Island's call.

Did whatever happened happen?
Has the timeline been rebooted?
When our buddies boarded Flight 815,
Was it chance, or were they all recruited?

Island, Island,
You've mesmerized us all.
For one more season,
We'll heed the Island's call.

Island, Island,
You've mesmerized us all.
For one more season,
We'll heed the Island's call.
We'll heed the Island's call.

What the World Needs Now Is LOST (What the World Needs Now Is Love, Hal David / Burt Bacharach)

It's a frigid February. All I want to do is bundle up under the blankets... and watch LOST! Here's a little ode to my favorite show to the tune of What the World Needs Now Is Love. Happy Valentine's Day!

What the World Needs Now Is LOST

What the world needs now is LOST, sweet LOST.
It's the only show that will thaw this permafrost.
What the world needs now is LOST, sweet LOST,
Chillin' with our chums in the island sun.

Lord, we don't need another sit-com.
No, their laugh tracks and cheap gags aren't worth a dime,
And their pratfalls and crude punch lines makes us cross.
It isn't comedy; it's a crime!

What the world needs now is LOST, sweet LOST.
It's the only show that will thaw this permafrost.
What the world needs now is LOST, sweet LOST,
Chillin' with our chums in the island sun.

Lord, we don't need another game show.
We don't really care how much those people know,
And whenever they clean up, we start to whine,
"Oh, why are they getting all the dough?"

What the world needs now is LOST, sweet LOST.
It's the only show that will thaw this permafrost.
What the world needs now is LOST, sweet LOST,
Chillin' with our chums in the warm and steamy desert island sun.

What the world needs now is LOST, sweet LOST.
What the world needs now is LOST, sweet LOST.
What the world needs now is LOST, sweet LOST...

Castaway Canon (Christmas Canon Rock, Johann Pachelbel)

At the moment, I'm pretty obsessed with Trans-Siberian Orchestra, and in particular Christmas Canon Rock, which is their brilliant reworking of Pachelbel's Canon in D for The Lost Christmas Eve. This song has probably crept up there to share the Favorite Christmas Song slot with O Holy Night, which is a pretty high honor considering how many Christmas songs I absolutely love. Anyway, it's been running through my head all day, so of course I wrote a little parody - about LOST, which is also a current obsession - though there are very few words in the song to begin with and I only changed about half of them. I'm posting it anyway, though, if only to gush a bit about the song until my brother brings home the CD and I can review it in its entirety. For now, if you've never heard this incredible song, please go here - http://www.trans-siberian.com/multimedia/index.shtml - and listen to it. It's the first song under The Lost Christmas Eve, and it is breathtaking.

Castaway Canon

Faithful Viewers:
This night, we pray the writers know
How to resolve our favorite show.

This night, we pray the writers know
How to resolve our favorite show.

Headies:
We are waiting.
Hope we're not forgotten.

We are waiting.
Hope we're not forgotten.

Tailies:
On this isle, on this isle,
On this very scary isle.
On this isle, on this isle,
On this very scary isle.
On this isle, on this isle,
On this very scary isle.
On this isle, on this isle,
On this very scary isle.

On this isle, on this isle,
On this very scary isle.
On this isle, on this isle,
On this very scary isle.
On this isle, on this isle,
On this very scary isle.
On this isle, on this isle,
On this very scary isle.