Here We Are In the Past (Years May Come, Years May Go, Jack Fishman / Andre Popp / Jean Massoulier)

"The record is spinning again. We're just not on the song we wanna be on."

- Daniel, LaFleur

Here's a little ditty in which Sawyer, Juliet, Daniel and Horace do some reflecting on the 1974 events of LaFleur, to the tune of the Irish Rovers' Years May Come, Years May Go.

Here We Are in the Past

Sawyer: We might be in a bind,

But I don’t really mind.

I think a haughty hippie beats flashin’ through time.

Don’t have to deal with Ben -

Or if we do, he’s ten.

It’s kinda cool to see history.

Sawyer: Here we are  

(Daniel: Thirty years from when we are)

Sawyer: In the past.

(Daniel: 815 will crash.)

Sawyer: Well, what now?

(Daniel: We’ve been in the Seventies)

Sawyer: Will this last?

(Daniel: Since the final flash.)

Sawyer: If it does,

(Daniel: Now I think we’ve seen the last of)

Sawyer: Pick a pad,

(Daniel: Kate, Sayid and Jack.)

Sawyer: ‘Cause this place

(Daniel: Yes, the record’s spinning but)

Sawyer: Ain’t so bad.

(Daniel: We’re on another track.)    

Juliet: I don’t know what to do,

‘Cause James, I’m sweet on you

But can’t erase the pain this place put me through.

The course of time’s grown smooth,

So could our luck improve,

Or will we stay and then grieve again?

Sawyer: Here we are  

(Daniel: Thirty years from when we are)

Sawyer: In the past.

(Daniel: 815 will crash.)

Sawyer: Well, what now?

(Daniel: We’ve been in the Seventies)

Sawyer: Will this last?

(Daniel: Since the final flash.)

Sawyer: If it does,

(Daniel: Now I think we’ve seen the last of)

Sawyer: Pick a pad,

(Daniel: Kate, Sayid and Jack.)

Sawyer: ‘Cause this place

(Daniel: Yes, the record’s spinning but)

Sawyer: Ain’t so bad.

(Daniel: We’re on another track.)    

Horace: Jim, you helped us out.

I’m sorry for my doubt,

And you just bought yourself a spot.  Yeah, you’ve got clout.

I guess it isn’t true

That DHARMA’s not for you;

I never thought you’d be saving me.

Sawyer: Here we are  

(Daniel: Thirty years from when we are)

Sawyer: In the past.

(Daniel: 815 will crash.)

Sawyer: Well, what now?

(Daniel: We’ve been in the Seventies)

Sawyer: Will this last?

(Daniel: Since the final flash.)

Sawyer: If it does,

(Daniel: Now I think we’ve seen the last of)

Sawyer: Pick a pad,

(Daniel: Kate, Sayid and Jack.)

Sawyer: ‘Cause this place

(Daniel: Yes, the record’s spinning but)

Sawyer: Ain’t so bad.

(Daniel: We’re on another track...)

You're Mine (I Feel Fine, John Lennon / Paul McCartney)

"After everything I did to get you here, after everything I've done to keep you here, how can you possibly not understand... that you're mine!"
 - Ben, The Other Woman

Here's a little ditty about the grisly moment when Ben shows Juliet how Goodwin's stay with the Tailies ended, to the tune of the Beatles' I Feel Fine.

You’re Mine

Goodwin was no good, you know.
He did what no one should, you know.
He stole you.
He deserved it. Juliet, you’re mine.

He betrayed his wife, you know,
And he messed up my life, you know.
I told you,
He deserved it. Juliet. you’re mine.

I’m so mad, so here’s this grim display.
You’re so mad, but Goodwin had to pay

For romantic rendezvous, you know,
And stunning ocean views, you know,
And kisses.
He deserved it. Juliet, you’re mine.

You’re the one I brought, you know.
He had what I did not, you know.
A missus.
He deserved it. Juliet. you’re mine.

I’m so mad, so here’s this grim display.
You’re so mad, but Goodwin had to pay

For romantic rendezvous, you know,
And stunning ocean views, you know,
And kisses.
He deserved it. Juliet, you’re mine.
He deserved it. Juliet, you’re mine.

The Crazy Man (Shilo, Neil Diamond)

Charlotte: When I was little, living here, there was this man... a crazy man, he really scared me. And he told me that I had to leave the island and never ever come back. He told me that if I came back I would die. Daniel: Charlotte, I don't understand.
Charlotte: Daniel – I think that man was you.
- This Place Is Death

Charlotte is one character on LOST who I've felt we didn't really get to know quite as well as I would've liked. But through Daniel, I've developed a pretty deep affection for her. Here's a reflection mostly by her in This Place Is Death, to the tune of Neil Diamond's Shilo.

The Crazy Man

Charlotte: Can’t Daddy come?
How can we leave him behind?
Sawyer: Hey, what’s with Red?
I think she’s out of her mind!

Juliet: Listen, Dan, our time’s running out now
And we’ve got to go.
Daniel: So you think I should leave her here since she’s slow?
No, no and no!

Charlotte: One long-ago July,
I met a crazy man.
He told me I would die
If I came back. Oh, Dan,
That was you.

Now I recall
That I have been here before.
Daniel, this was my home;
Lived here for three years or more.

Every time I tried to remember
This as a child,
Mum insisted my daydreams were running wild,
Just running wild.

One long-ago July,
I met a crazy man.
He told me I would die
If I came back. Oh, Dan,
Is it true?

Anthropology seemed like my ticket
To finding this place.
Now I’m seeing the warning etched in your face.
It’s in your face.

One long-ago July,
I met a crazy man.
He told me I would die
If I came back. Oh, Dan,
What to do?

Anthropology seemed like my ticket
To finding this place.
Now I’m seeing the warning etched in your face.
It’s in your face.

One long-ago July,
I met a crazy man.
He told me I would die
If I came back. Oh, Dan,
That was you.

Crazytown (The Orange and the Green, traditional)

"What about you? You wanna stay here in Crazytown or help me rescue the geek?" - Sawyer, Jughead

LOST's book-loving Sawyer is a natural-born storyteller. I had fun last year wriitng a parody in which he recounts his experience in LaFleur, and this is the same basic idea, but instead it's The Lie and Jughead, and it's addressed specifically to Juliet, to the tune of the Irish Rovers' version of The Orange and the Green. (Hat-tip to Amanda at GritFX, who partly inspired this one with one of her awesome designs.)

Crazytown

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

While we sat there on the shoreline,
Just regrouping with the rest,
We saw a flaming arrow
Hittin’ Frogurt in the chest.
Well, of course, we ran for cover;
I yelled, “Meet at the creek!”
And we got separated from
The redhead and the geek.

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

I guess it wasn’t quite so smart
To give away our mark.
Yeah, it would’ve worked out better
If we’d kept ‘em in the dark.
Well, thank goodness for the Colonel.
Yes, I bless his big bald head,
For if not for him and his huge knife,
We’d probably be dead.

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

We asked the hothead Others
About where they came from.
You busted out the Latin,
And I felt a little dumb.
But not as dumb as Rambo,
Who went to talk to Rick
While Dan was bein’ death marched.
Oh, it kinda made me sick.

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

You saw her with a rifle
Aimed right at Faraday
And offered, “Hey, why don’t we all
Just put our guns away?”
Your voice was calm and quiet,
But you still were firm enough
To rattle Miss Attila
And to prove to me you’re tough.

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

Well, just then we flashed through time again,
And she whizzed out of sight.
But Blondie, you’ve got chutzpah
And I guess that you’re all right.
I thought that back with Freckles,
My love life hit a peak,
But now I see you with new eyes
Since we rescued the geek.

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

Goodbye Mr. Linus (Goodbye Mrs. Durkin, Traditional)

It may be that we've seen the last of the LOST submarine, but here's a ditty that hearkens back to the first time we saw it, back in season three, to the tune of the Irish Rovers' Goodbye, Mrs. Durkin.

Goodbye, Mr. Linus

Both: Goodbye, Mr. Linus. We won't let you confine us.
We're tired of your head games. We're tired of your lies.
A wave to your grim domain and we're headed for the mainland.
Don't bother to object because we've said our last goodbyes.

Juliet: In Miami I was toiling to find out a way of foiling
Infertility that followed from the treatments Rachel tried.
My experiments succeeded, but I wish I hadn't heeded
All the flattery that Richard used to bring me to your side.

Both: So, it's goodbye, Mr. Linus. We won't let you confine us.
We're tired of your head games. We're tired of your lies.
A wave to your grim domain and we're headed for the mainland.
Don't bother to object because we've said our last goodbyes.

Juliet: Well, I've lost too many women, and my frazzled head is swimmin'.
I haven't helped at all here, so why should I remain?
I just want to see my sister. Do you know how I've missed her?
Do you realize that nothing's come from keeping me but pain?

Both: So, it's goodbye, Mr. Linus. We won't let you confine us.
We're tired of your head games. We're tired of your lies.
A wave to your grim domain and we're headed for the mainland.
Don't bother to object because we've said our last goodbyes.

Jack: When Sayid came from the jungle with you, torture on his mind,
I saw you bent and bloody and I urged him to be kind.
But now I know your game, Ben, so I think it's quite shame then
That he didn't beat you senseless when he had the chance that day.

Both: So, it's goodbye, Mr. Linus. We won't let you confine us.
We're tired of your head games. We're tired of your lies.
A wave to your grim domain and we're headed for the mainland.
Don't bother to object because we've said our last goodbyes.

Jack: You're a mad manipulator, but you'll yank my strings no more,
And when we board the sub, I won't glance backward toward the shore.
I'm sure that when I'm gone, then you will find another pawn, Ben,
But now I'm calling checkmate on the final game we'll play.

Both: So, it's goodbye, Mr. Linus. We won't let you confine us.
We're tired of your head games. We're tired of your lies.
A wave to your grim domain and we're headed for the mainland.
Don't bother to object because we've said our last goodbyes.

Goodbye Mrs. Durkin

Stuck Here On This Rock (Loves Me Like a Rock, Paul Simon)

This Loves Me Like a Rock LOST parody is pretty current-day, from Juliet's perspective and mostly focusing on events that occurred in last week's episode and The Man From Tallahassee.

Stuck Here On This Rock

Ben, I really am annoyed. (I really am annoyed)
You've bedeviled me again. (I really am annoyed)
Please tell me, why do, (Why)
Why do you keep on foolin'? (I really am annoyed)
I was overcome with joy (I really am annoyed)
Seeing Rachel. I'm so tired

Oh, of being stuck here. I'm stuck here.
I'm really running out of luck here.
I am stuck here on this rock.
Been stuck here on this rock for ages.
I'm stuck here.
I'm stuck here, stuck here, stuck here, stuck here.

John, you're a no-good, rotten man. (No-good, rotten man)
Mr. Locke, you should be ashamed. (No-good, rotten man)
Please tell me, what do, (What)
What do you think you're doin'? (No-good, rotten man)
You're a very selfish man. (No-good, rotten man)
Jack and I were just about to leave.

Oh, now I'm stuck here. I'm stuck here.
I'm really running out of luck here.
I am stuck here on this rock.
Been stuck here on this rock for ages.
I'm stuck here.
I'm stuck here, stuck here, stuck here, stuck here.

Jack, I am sure you must resent (Know you must resent)
The fact that John torched the submarine. (Know you must resent)
Please tell me, when do, (When)
When do you two start duelin'? (Know you must resent)
You know that Ben made us a deal. (Know you must resent)
We shouldn't be residents here anymore.

Oh, but we're stuck here. We're stuck here.
We're really running out of luck here.
We are stuck here on this rock.
Been stuck here on this rock for ages.
We're stuck here.
We're stuck here, stuck here, stuck here, stuck here.

(fade out)

Loves Me Like a Rock

A Militant Man (An Innocent Man, Billy Joel)

I'm trying to fill in the gaps in my LOST parodies by turning my attention to characters I've largely neglected thus far. One of the most glaring of these is Sayid, whose only appearance was in my very first attempt. I guess he hasn't really grabbed my interest the way some of the others have, largely because he's so darn solemn all the time, but he's an intriguing character and actually one of the reasons I think the Others, or at least some of the Others, aren't so bad. Right off the bat they get us to sympathize with someone who was one of "the bad guys", and it makes us more inclined to consider how apparent enemies might be viewed differently if we looked at things from their perspective.

Sayid is a good man who has done bad things, and though he is mostly ashamed of the harm he inflicted upon others when he felt he had little choice, that experience has hardened him, making him more willing to resort to desperate measures in the desperate times the castaways face. This parody of Billy Joel's An Innocent Man features Sayid at loggerheads with Jack over his desire to use dubious methods to extract information from Sawyer, Henry and Juliet.

A Militant Man

How can he steal from the sick and the poor?
I'd say that Sawyer has plundered enough.
It is his choice to be vilified
Although I don't understand why.

He might give in, Jack. It shouldn't take much
When there's danger in breaking all the rules.
I'm guessing you know what must be done
So Shannon will not have to die.

I need your presence, and that's enough help.
I'll do the dirty work all by myself.
Oh, yes, it's dirty,
But I'm not above
Giving Sawyer a shove.
I'll gladly try it if it helps her heal.
I'm not above using torturing
To restore her health if I can.

I know he took them, though he hasn't told;
I think my torment ought to loosen his tongue.
I'm only able to make men cry
Because I am a militant man.
I am a militant man.
Oh, yes, I am.

You people may be too quick to believe
A shifty stranger whose heart could be dark.
I'm betting he has a secret to tell.
You'd do well to recall we're at war.

They murdered Scott and stole Walt in the night;
They kidnapped Claire and left Charlie for dead.
I'm sorry this makes you queasy, but to trust him,
We must be secure.

We have been living in fear, but today
We might make progress if you let me stay.
I am prepared to use pliers and knives,
But I'll keep him alive.
I'm not about to be ruthless like them.
I only need to persuade him a while.
If he aids us, then I'll still my hand.

If he's the one who can start shedding light
On all the problems plaguing our small clan,
His knowledge should be the perfect excuse
For abuse by a militant man.
I am a militant man.
Oh, yes, I am
A militant man.

What makes you think that Juliet is all right?
She's one of them, and I suspect that she might
Be on a mission.
Jack, how do we know
That she wasn't let go
To do some spying, unsuspected by us?
Would you not love to discover her part
In the Others' well-guarded grand plan?

I'm only asking to hear it from her.
Was leaving her idea or was it his?
I'm afraid Ben will pay her to lie
Because I am a militant man.
I am a militant man.
Oh, yes, I am
A militant man.
Oh, oh, oh, oh...