The Distress Call (Feuilles-Oh / Do Space Men Pass Dead Souls On Their Way to the Moon, Traditional / J. S. Bach / Linda Grossman)

"Si qui que ce soit puisse entendre ceci, ils sont morts. Veuillez nous aider. Je vais essayer d'aller jusqu'au Rocher Noir. Il les a tués. Il les a tués tous."
- Danielle, Pilot, Part 2

Here's my best attempt at turning the radio transmission into a song. I changed it as little as possible; I hope it still makes sense. Here's the end of the pilot episode, to the tune of Art Garfunkel's Feuilles-Oh / Do Space Men Pass Dead Souls On Their Way to the Moon?

The Distress Call

Danielle: Si qui que puisse entendre,
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.
Si qui que puisse entendre,
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.

Veuillez nous aider.
Il les a tués.
Ils sont morts.
Vuillez nous aider.
Il les a tués.
Je vais essayer
D'aller à Rocher Noir.
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.

Si qui que puisse entendre,
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.
Si qui que puisse entendre,
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.

Veuillez nous aider.
Il les a tués.
Ils sont morts.
Vuillez nous aider.
Il les a tués.
Je vais essayer
D'aller à Rocher Noir.
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.

Sayid: It’s been running for 16 years.
Boone: Someone else? Stranded here?
Sayid: Yes, this was a cry for help.
Sawyer: If someone saved her, then why’s it still play?
Charlie: Uh... Hey, guys, where are we?
This is no normal place.

Danielle: Veuillez nous aider.
Il les a tués.
Ils sont morts.
Vuillez nous aider.
Il les a tués.
Je vais essayer
D'aller à Rocher Noir.
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.

My Alex (The Stolen Child, Traditional)

"That night they came, they came and took her - Alex. They took my baby." - Danielle, Exodus, Part 1

The abduction of children has been a recurring pattern on the Island for ages, dating much further back than we realized. Danielle introduced us to the trend. Here's her to the tune of the Irish Rovers' The Stolen Child.

My Alex

In this place are Others, you know.
Others are so loveless and low.
In this place are Others, you know.
They stole my Alex long ago.

For sixteen years, I’ve been here alone.
I’ve learned to fear the great unknown.
The members of my team got sick,
So I picked them off. I had no choice.

In this place are Others, you know.
Others are so loveless and low.
In this place are Others, you know.
They stole my Alex long ago.

Then I gave birth, and I raised my child.
We were surviving in the wild.
Retrieving her has been my goal
Since they stole my Alex long ago.

In this place are Others, you know.
Others are so loveless and low.
In this place are Others, you know,
And I lost my Alex long ago.

The Stolen Child

Leonard's Numbers (Coat of Many Colors, Dolly Parton)

"Is that why you're here, Lenny? Is it because of the numbers? Did they do something to you? Because I think they did something to me. I think they turned me into a jinx - bad news to everyone around me. And when I tell people I think I'm the cause they, they, they look at me like I'm nuts. They don't believe me. But I know, ever since I won the lottery with those numbers." - Hurley, Numbers

No matter where Hurley goes, he can't seem to get away from the curse of his numbers. He doesn't seem aware yet of the connection between those numbers and the Candidates; if he figures it out, I wonder if that will shake his allegiance to Jacob... Here's a reflection from Hurley around the time of the season one finale, to the tune of Dolly Parton's Coat of Many Colors.

Leonard’s Numbers

Since I’ve been here, I’ve been wonderin’ once again,
What would my life be like today
If I hadn’t spent that time at Santa Rosa
And heard the numbers I’d go on to play?
Or what if I’d used those numbers some other day or week?
Or when I stepped on that deck, what if I’d had a trim physique?
I can’t seem to stop “what if”-ing, for, despite my piles of dough,
Because I echoed Leonard’s numbers, I’m wallowing in woe.

First I lost my grandpa Tito from a massive heart attack
Because I echoed Leonard’s numbers, and I wish I had him back.
My girlfriend and my buddy hooked up, and I was down,
And I just stared in helpless horror as Ma’s new house burned to the ground.

I echoed Leonard’s numbers, ’cause he drilled them into me.
I was better off when I lived in poverty.
No matter where I go now, I invite catastrophe
Since I echoed Leonard’s numbers to win the lottery.

I would trade in all my riches to have some peace of mind.
Since I echoed Leonard’s numbers, that’s been so hard to find!
Oh, I just can’t seem to shake them, and it’s pretty plain to see
The effects of Leonard’s numbers will always follow me.
I’ve long since memorized the sequence, and I was crushed to catch
Just a glimpse of it again on Sayid’s map and on the hatch.
Though I think Danielle believed me when I told her of the curse
That is attached to Leonard’s numbers, John’s reaction was far worse.

Yeah, I screamed for him to stop, but he ignored my panicked plea,
And soon I bet he’ll wish he’d have lent an ear to me
‘Cause no matter where I go now, I bring along catastrophe
Since I echoed Leonard’s numbers to win the lottery.
Oh, woe is me!

That's the Island (That's a Woman, Phil Coulter)

In so many ways, LOST is about Jack, the first character we met in the series premiere. From the beginning, he assumed a leadership role and showed great skill in rallying most of the castaways and convincing them to work together for survival. He thrived in that environment, but he never enjoyed it and was always focused on leaving. Post-Island, he seems to have a change of heart.

My last reflection was a gently regretful soliloquy to the tune of Mountains of Mourne, as sung by Keith Harkin of Celtic Thunder. Both songs deal with a man confessing to the woman he loves that the place he was so determined to get to doesn't feel as fulfilling as the place he left. I started writing it before the season started, and then The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham helped me finish it.

It also helped me realize I wanted a whole song dealing exclusively with the extended Jack-John showdown, and That's a Woman, the Celtic Thunder duet between Ryan Kelly and Paul Byrom, seemed an ideal vehicle. John, like Paul, is hopelessly smitten, but in this case the object of his affections is the Island rather than a woman. He's a total sap when it comes to the Island, while Jack is vitriolic, laying on the Sawyerish snark as he details the reasons he detests the Island. This duet takes their debate from their first days on the Island up until their second arrival.

That's the Island

Season One

John: Island, such a heavenly haven.
Don't be craven.
Now we can make a new start.
Explore it.
Learn to adore it
Before it
Gives you the chance to depart.

Jack: A torturous trap where we happened to crash.
Better take it from me, that's the Island.
I'm mired in a mess like a medic on M*A*S*H.
We were not meant to be on the Island.
My boozy dad's body was bound for L.A.,
Not meant to be on the Island.
He ought to be deep in dirt by today,
Not staring and scaring my senses away
On the Island, on the Island.

Season Two

Jack: A den of abductions and dread and deceit.
Take it from me, that's the Island.
Full of murderous men we don't want to meet.
Take it from me, that's the Island.
Who's to say hatches are better than huts
On this mysterious Island?
Pushing the button's the work of a putz.
You sob, "It's our job!" but I think you've gone nuts
On the Island, on the Island.

John: Perfect and pure, that's the Island.
Miracle cure, that's the Island.
Driving us all to be daring,
Strange as the secrets it's sharing.
When you look in the eye of the Island

Jack: Look in its eye and you'll probably die!
That's the Island!

John: And ponder the "why" of the Island

Jack: John, it doesn't mean squat! There's no purpose or plot
On the Island!

John: You're purging your past
And you're special at last.

Both: The enigmas are vast
On the Island!

Season Three

John: Island, in need of protection.
My defection
Gave me the knowledge I need.
Don't cater
To the folks from the freighter.
They're traitors
Waiting to watch our world bleed.

Jack: Bait all the natives and blow 'em to bits,
That's how we exit the Island.
Hike up the hill 'cause the phone's on the fritz,
That's how we exit the Island.
Take a trek to the tower to turn off Rousseau,
That's how we exit the Island.
With Charlie in charge down below,
He'll let us know when all systems are go
On the Island, on the Island.

Season Four

Jack: It took a little more time than I planned.
Now we can exit the Island.
Do I have to put up with your silly last stand?
I'm ready to exit the Island.
You stay in your leafy botanical lodge,
Lavishing love on the Island.
Go in there and pick out a handsome corsage;
We'll hop on the chopper and get outta Dodge.
So long, Island, so long, Island!

Season Five

Jack: Look at my aimless and miserable state.
I think I'm missing the Island.
I'm dour and drunk and rejected by Kate.
I think I'm missing the Island.
Gotta find another plane
To get me back to the Island.
I'm trusting Ben. Am I insane?
I hear your voice inside my brain:
"What an Island!" What an Island...

Memory of John: Perfect and pure, that's the Island.

Jack: I'm perfectly keen to take Flight Three-Sixteen
To the Island.

Memory of John: Miracle cure, that's the Island.

Jack: You cured my doubts; too bad you're on the outs
With the Island.

Memory of John: Driving us all to be daring...

Jack: Thanks to your dare, I'm in the air.
To the Island!

Memory of John: Strange as the secrets it's sharing.

Both: When you look in the eye of the Island
And ponder the "why" of the Island,
You're purging your past
And you're special at last.

Jack: Now the die has been cast.

Both: To the Island!

Jack: Sure as I'm Jack, it's great to be back!

Both: What an island!

Henry With the Arrow (Sparrow, Paul Simon)

Here's a little ditty to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's Sparrow revolving around season two's One of Them.

Henry With the Arrow

Who shot Henry with the arrow
While wand'ring through the wilderness?
"'Twas I," muttered Danielle.
"I won't take my chances. He could cause distress.
Sayid, don't let him leave; just make him confess."

Who healed Henry with the arrow
Piercing his shoulder like a sword?
"'Twas I," whispered Jack.
"He's a liar, perhaps, but we really can't afford
To be savage and start spreading death and discord."

And who, softly sitting set apart,
Has tortured Henry with the arrow?
"'Twas I," volunteered Sayid.
"I could have delivered a quite fatal blow,
But if he is slain, then what will we know?"

Who is Henry with the arrow,
A man enmeshed in mystery?
"I am," chuckled Ben.
"I'm strangely elated by disharmony.
They've just tossed away their trust, thanks to me."

The Castaways' Rhapsody (Bohemian Rhapsody, Freddie Mercury)

This morning, I mentioned to my brother Nathan that I wanted to write a song about LOST but hadn't yet settled on an appropriate song, having rejected Gilligan's Island as too obvious and subsequently used it for another parody. "Bohemian Rhapsody!" he exclaimed. And I must applaud him, because it was an inspired suggestion, and one I might not have thought of by myself. What follows is a mass of festering schizophrenia, but I hope you will find it as fun to read as I found it to write. The names in bold are to indicate the speakers; just imagine a massive music video containing every member of the principal cast and then some...

The Castaways' Rhapsody

Castaways: Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Who knew that plane ride
Would conclude in calamity?
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see...
Boone: I'd be a hero, but Jack will not let me
Because he's sure that he's in the know.
Hurley: I'm getting vertigo.
Why'd I have to win the -
Boone: Nothing I do matters...
Hurley: - dumb lottery?

Kate: Sawyer, I killed a man.
Now the one I love is dead.
I wish it was me instead.
Sun and Jin: We are both Korean and
We cannot understand a thing you say.
Michael: Walter, ooooh, didn't mean to make you cry.
You bum me out because you didn't miss me.
Walt: Vincent's gone, Vincent's gone,
And my dad keeps getting madder.

Charlie: I hate that my drugs are gone.
Jack: I know that I'm a hunk
And I think that Boone is bunk.
Claire: I am really pregnant. This baby is
Gonna finally pop out of me any day.
Sawyer: Freckles, oooooh, (Sun: I wonder if Jin knows?) caught you in a lie,
But I will keep your secret if you just kiss me.

Hurley: I know the numbers on that map are evil, man.
Danielle: I'm uncouth! I'm uncouth!
And I killed my whole gang.
Sayid: Oh, look, electric lighting!
This woman is frightening me...
Sawyer: We can't stay.
Kate: No, we should stay.
Jin: No, we can't stay.
Locke: No, we should stay.
Michael: No, we can't stay.
Walt: No, we should stay - wait, better go...

Locke: I'm just an old guy. Nobody trusts me.
Everyone Else: He's just a man whose dad stole his kidney.
Sawyer: I shot a bear but they still yell at me.
Sayid: Crazy French lady, oh, will you let me go?
Pilot: The monster! No!
Felled Boar: I ran a bit too slow.
Jin: Let me go!
Kate: The monster!
Vincent: Where did that Walt kid go?
Charlie: Let her go!
Shannon: The monster!
Polar Bear: I ought to find some snow...
Claire: Let him go!
The Others: That kid's ours, you know.
Walt: Let me go!
Perplexed (But Enthusiastic) Viewers: What a crazy show!
The Island: They should go...
Enthusiastic (But Perplexed) Viewers: No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
Michael: Oh, there must be a -
Jin: There must be a -
Michael and Jin: - way to get off if we row.
Charlie: I'm in Drive Shaft, and You All Everybody was such a hit for me!

Marshal: So you think you're a hero and have a good eye?
So nice of you to shoot me and leave me to die!
Shannon: I'm lazy
And my step-brother's crazy.
Michael, Jin and Sawyer: Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here.

Michael, Jin and Sawyer: This raft's kind of tattered.
Hope it's sea-worthy.
Castaways: Our lives have been shattered.
Fulfilled Viewers: But you make us gladder
Each week...

Everyone: Hear the ocean wind blow...