MacCutcheon (Dublin O'Shea, Lonnie Donegan / Joe Brown)

"What you're not, is worthy of drinking my whiskey. How could you ever be worthy of my daughter?"
- Widmore, Flashes Before Your Eyes

The scene in Flashes Before Your Eyes in which Charles Widmore so thoroughly disses Desmond with some help from a 60-year-old bottle of scotch remains one of the most iconic in the series.  I'm still not entirely sure if Charles was as oblivious to Desmond's previous existence as he seemed in that scene, but here I'm going to assume that he was. Here's Charles to the tune of the Irish Rovers' Dublin O'Shea.

MacCutcheon

“Here’s a little drink, boy.  MacCutcheon’s the best.
Although you’re my guest, I have deemed you unworthy,
And if you’re too base for the scotch on my chest,
Then how could I hand you my daughter, you fool?”

He came to my office to look for a job,
But he seemed like a slob, just a slouch and a roustabout.
Still, I was willing to toss him a bob.
Then Desmond asked for my daughter.

“Here’s a little drink, boy.  MacCutcheon’s the best.
Although you’re my guest, I have deemed you unworthy,
And if you’re too base for the scotch on my chest,
Then how could I hand you my daughter, you fool?”

I spoke of a hero, the Navy man Mac,
And mentioned the plaques earned by Admiral Anderson.
Maybe I could’ve cut the poor lad some slack,
But he’d landed himself in hot water.

“Here’s a little drink, boy.  MacCutcheon’s the best.
Although you’re my guest, I have deemed you unworthy,
And if you’re too base for the scotch on my chest,
Then how could I hand you my daughter, you fool?”

He left in a flurry, full of anguish and shame,
And I hoped that his name wouldn’t come back to haunt me.
But Desmond, determined to earn my acclaim,
Turned himself to a consummate sailor.

“Here’s a little drink, boy.  MacCutcheon’s the best.
Although you’re my guest, I have deemed you unworthy,
And if you’re too base for the scotch on my chest,
Then how could I hand you my daughter, you fool?”

He got to the Island I lost long ago,
And he made the hatch blow with the turn of his key.
Then he married Penelope.  Galling, I know,
But I’ll no longer call him a failure.

“Here’s a little drink, boy.  MacCutcheon’s the best.
Although you’re my guest, I have deemed you unworthy,
And if you’re too base for the scotch on my chest,
Then how could I hand you my daughter, you fool?”

Dublin O'Shea

She'll Fly Away (I'll Fly Away, Albert E. Brumley)

"Wow, Alex! Any higher, and you're gonna fly right off the Island."
 - Richard, Dead Is Dead

Here's a little song recollecting the sweet but somehow ominous swing set moment in Dead Is Dead. It's from Richard's perspective, first addressing Alex then Ben, to the tune of the Gospel song I'll Fly Away.

She’ll Fly Away

Alex, wow! What buoyancy you've shown! You’ll fly away.
What a time to treasure when you’ve grown! You’ll fly away.
You’ll fly away from this place. You’ll fly away.
Swing so high that you almost touch the sky. You’ll fly away.

Listen, we are realistic men. She’ll fly away.
One day, he may try to take her, Ben. She’ll fly away.
She’ll fly away from this place. She’ll fly away.
Push her high so she’ll almost touch the sky. She’ll fly away.

Yes, push her high so she’ll almost touch the sky. She’ll fly away.

Who'll Fly the Plane (Who'll Stop the Rain, John Fogerty)

"Even if we could get on that plane, who's gonna fly it?"
- Kate, Recon


Sawyer's been laying low and plotting throughout much of the sixth season. Kate's not so sure she's on board with his plans. Here's an elongated version of her objections to him at the end of Recon, to the tune of Creedence Clearwater Revival's Who'll Stop the Rain.

Who’ll Fly the Plane

Look, I don’t remember just how the plane went down.
Wasn’t still on board when it must’ve hit the ground.
Don’t know what’s become of Frank and Ben and Sun.
So I wonder, still I wonder, who’ll fly the plane.

What did you discover when you went off to explore?
Did you learn what Widmore’s on Hydra Island for?
Your approach seems risky, possibly in vain.
Yes, I wonder, still I wonder, who’ll fly the plane.

Not so hot on stayin’, but when we get there,
How do we win over Jin and crazy Claire?
Where are Jack and Hurley? Will we strand them here?
And I wonder, still I wonder, who’ll fly the plane.

I'll Win This Race (Come Sail Away, Dennis DeYoung)

"Then I thank you, Elizabeth. And I shall win this race for love."
- Desmond, Live Together, Die Alone

I've always found the Styx song Come Sail Away a little freaky, but it's also enjoyably epic, especially since it calls to mind one of my favorite moments from Freaks and Geeks, Judd Apatow's most excellent and all too short-lived high school dramedy. Couldn't resist associating it with LOST too, as an illustration of the scene in the season two finale in which Libby offers Desmond her boat.

I’ll Win This Race

Desmond: I’m sailing a race
Sponsored by the man who belittled me.
He said I’d never be
Worthy of his daughter Penelope.
But there’s a wee problem.
I have no boat.
I’m broke, so my chances
Would seem remote,
But for my
Honor, I’ll try...
Is something wrong?

Libby: I have what you seek.
It used to be my husband’s, but he grew weak.
Poor David. He died.
He never got to sail on a Grecian tide.
Since we cannot be together,
It’s a burden now.
He’d want you to keep it,
And you have my vow:
In your care
Clearly is where
My boat belongs.

Desmond: You tell me I should take it.
I don’t know what to say,
But I’ll accept it as a sign
That love will find a way.

And so I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love, lass.
I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love.
I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love. Watch me!
I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love.

Elizabeth, you’ve touched me.
Tell you what I’ll do.
I’ll win this race for Penny,
For David and for you.

Yes, I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love, lass.
I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love.
I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love.
I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love.
I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love.
I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love.
I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love.
I’ll win this race, I’ll win this race,
I’ll win this race for love.

(fadeout)

Widmore's Whiskey (Nancy Whiskey, Traditional)

Desmond: What kind of whiskey is that?
Charlie: It's, uh - it just says MacCutcheon.
Desmond: Alright then, let's have it!
- Flashes Before Your Eyes

In Flashes Before Your Eyes, Desmond wants to lay off the booze, but he'll make an exception for MacCutcheon whiskey. Here's a reflection by him to the tune of the Irish Rovers' Nancy Whiskey.

Widmore’s Whiskey

Whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey.
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.
Whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey.
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.

I was a sailor, a restless sailor.
I was a soldier, a silent monk…
Even tried to be a doctor.
I always wound up a raving drunk.

Is that whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey?
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.
Whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey.
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.

In an ancient monastery,
Hiding from my intended wife,
I imbibed the wine we bottled,
So I got sacked from monastic life.

Whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey.
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.
Whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey.
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.

As I was leaving, I met a woman.
Before that woman, I had no base.
She became my guiding vision.
Penny Widmore, my saving grace.

Whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey.
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.
Whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey.
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.

I went in to see her father,
A man of aristocracy.
He poured a bit of his prized MacCutcheon
Just to say it was too good for me.

Is that whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey?
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.
Whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey.
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.

I was a sailor, a restless sailor.
I drank so much that I thought I would drown.
I’m going sober, clean and sober,
But that’s MacCutcheon, so pass it down.

Whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey.
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.
Whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey.
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.
Whiskey, whiskey, Widmore’s whiskey.
Whiskey, whiskey, pass it down.

Nancy Whiskey

Please Kill the Girl (We Kill the World, Frank Farian / Giorgio & Giusela Sgarbi)

One of my favorite songs growing up was Boney M.'s We Kill the World (Don't Kill the World), an epic Save the Earth song that is both ominous and inspiring. I've been rewatching the early episodes of LOST's fourth season, and when I revisited this song tonight, I thought it might make a good vehicle for Charlotte's ordeal in Confirmed Dead and The Economist.

Mostly, I stick pretty close to the script, I think; the main change is that I imagine Daniel, who I've always thought of as a Man of Faith as well as a Man of Science, praying for her safety from a distance, and I imagine Jacob watching over Daniel and wanting to offer him some reassurance.

Please Kill the Girl (Don’t Kill the Girl)

Ben: (spoken) I see chaos, despair and chaos.
I see mercenaries on the rise.
This girl, this girl…

Coming to destroy.
She may be acting coy,
But she is in the know.
Many years ago,
I kicked her leader out
And now it’s turnabout.

John: We’ll take her hostage
And we’ll get some answers.
This girl, this girl.

Charlotte: What is wrong with you?
What did I ever do
To make you all so mean?
If I hadn’t seen
This with my own two eyes,
I’d not believe it, guys.

John: We’ll take her hostage.
We’ll get some answers.

Ben: If you don’t watch your back,
This girl’s team will attack.

Please kill the girl
(Daniel: Not her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: Not her!)
Ben: She’s one of them, we ought to condemn her.
Please
(Daniel: Protect her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: I love her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: I need her!)
Ben: She’s one of them, we should condemn her.

Sawyer: If this is the fault
Of taller ghostly Walt,
I wonder if we are
Traveling so far
And cooking up a scheme
Because of Baldie's dream.

John: We’ll take her hostage
And we’ll get some answers.

Ben: If you don’t watch your back,
This girl’s team will attack.

Please kill the girl
(Daniel: Not her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: Not her!)
Ben: She’s one of them, we ought to condemn her.
Please
(Daniel: Protect her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: I love her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: I need her!)
Ben: She’s one of them, we should condemn her.

Ben: Please
(Daniel: Protect her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: I love her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: I need her!)
Ben: She’s one of them, we ought to condemn her.
Please kill the girl!

Hurley: Don’t kill the girl.
Do her no harm.
Though we have cause for alarm,
Don’t kill the girl.
Let her take flight.
Hey, we’re the good guys, right?

Claire: Don’t kill the girl.
Though Charlie died
To warn us who was inside
That boat out there,
He’d shake his head
And say to spare her instead.

Daniel: Don’t kill the girl.
I love her so,
Though I’ve not yet let her know.
I’d trade my life
To keep her whole.
I’d trade my very soul.

Sayid: I’ll save the girl.
Miles, please come with me.
Frank: There’s a chopper spot for you if
You set her free.
Jack: Help save the girl,
‘Cause I don’t trust John.
Remember, Kate, whose team you’re on.

Jacob: Daniel, I know that this is hard.
But keep the faith and be brave.
When she returns, you’ll be her guard.
Her life is yours to save.

Hurley: Don’t kill the girl.
Do her no harm.
Though we have cause for alarm,
Don’t kill the girl.
Let her take flight.
Don’t kill the girl,
This girl.

The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham (Greenland Whale Fisheries, Traditional)

John Locke has always been one of my favorite characters on LOST. Boy, did he get the short end of the stick. Here's a bit of a rarity for me, a parody not written from the perspective of a particular character, though it is addressed to John, to the tune of Peter Paul and Mary's Greenland Whale Fisheries.

The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham

When you flash through time and you lose your grip
And you land with a fracture of the leg
And then Christian comes and he says to turn the wheel,
No more, no more Island for you, John Locke.
No more, no more Island for you.

‘Twas in some unspecified Island time
When Frank had flown away,
Taking Jack and Kate and Hurley and the rest,
That you learned you couldn’t stay, John Locke.
You learned you couldn’t stay.

You turned the wheel and you found yourself
In Tunisia in the sand.
You were hurt, you were hurt, you were hurt but then you got
A surprising helping hand, John Locke.
Yes, Widmore’s helping hand.

So he sent you out with a pseudonym
And a list of friends you had to find.
But Sayid was sharp and Kate, she was cruel,
And poor Hurley’d lost his mind, John Locke.
Poor Hurley’d lost his mind.

Well, you called on Walt, who had grown so tall,
And he was kind to you,
But he’d lost so much, you could ask no more of him.
You bid the boy adieu, John Locke.
You bid the boy adieu.

Oh, Jack was obstinate and mean.
“John, it’s over! Go away,” he said.
But then Ben was there, and he really seemed to care
Until he choked you dead, John Locke.
Until he choked you dead.

When you flash through time and you lose your grip
And you land with a fracture of the leg
And then Christian comes and he says to turn the wheel,
No more, no more Island for you, John Locke.
No more, no more Island for you.

Greenland Whale Fisheries

Penny Hume (Penny Lane, Paul McCartney)

Over the weekend, thousands of geeks converged in San Diego for the 2009 Comic-Con. Though I wasn't one of them, through the magic of eBay, I did manage to snag an official Ben Linus bobblehead, which captures the after-effects of his confrontation with Penny and Desmond in the fifth season. Here, then, to the tune of the Beatles' Penny Lane, is an ode to Penny, who's had to put up with an awful lot as Desmond's One True Love.

Penny Hume

Poor Penny Hume was separated from the one she loves.
He disappeared for years before the two were wed.
Though many others would have thought him dead,
She had faith instead.

In The Searcher she endeavored to discover him.
A chat with Charlie proved her hope was not in vain.
When she found him, nothing could restrain
Desmond's utter bliss.
What a kiss!

Penny Hume is Desmond's long-awaited wife.
She'd become the constant in his life,
The one who rescued him.

When Penny Hume and Desmond left the Oceanic Six,
They knew they'd have to have their wedding on the run.
In circumstances that were far from fun,
Penny bore a son.

Penny Hume has got a complicated life.
Ben is sowing seeds of strife.
He plots a mean attack

While Desmond steers his little family to Los Angeles
To meet the spooky mom of Daniel Faraday.
He doesn't mean to put her in harm's way,
But Ben plans to slay

Poor Penny Hume, whose father Widmore is a scallywag.
She doesn't want a jot to do with his affairs.
But avenging Benji doesn't care
That she's unaware.
So unfair!

Penny Hume is begging Ben to show some grace.
Then the boy named after Charlie Pace
Turns up and Ben relents.
Penny Hume is both a daughter and a wife,
But the role of mother saved her life.
Penny Hume.

Dan In My Dream (Dance Little Jean, Jimmy Ibbotson)

There's been entirely too little Desmond in season five of LOST. I'm hoping the next episode rectifies that a bit. In the meantime, here's a little something, to the tune of Nitty Gritty Dirt Band's Dance Little Jean, reflecting on his appearance earlier in the season.

Dan in My Dream

I joined a boat race for my honor,
And I never thought that I would be marooned,
But then a storm sidetracked me,
And Kelvin kept me helplessly entombed.
So I was praying for some answers,
And I swore that if I ever could depart,
I would never think again about the Island
That I loathed with all my heart.

Then my depression turned to panic.
I heard somebody pounding on my door.
When I cocked my gun and greeted him,
It seemed to me that I'd seen him before.
But as he rushed to spill his secrets, Pen,
I couldn't comprehend what he could mean.
Then he told me that I had to meet
His mother, and I woke from the dream.

Well, it was Dan in my dream, but I don't know how.
What made me forget that moment until now?
Dan in my dream, a strange memory.
Oh, why can't that blasted Island just be done with me?

I don't want to go to Oxford.
We've been careful to avoid your father's net.
What if listening to Dan leads us right to him
And amplifies his threat?
But I owe my life to Faraday,
So even though this may be a mistake,
I will do just what he said to
For faith and fate and friends I can't forsake.

Yeah, I saw Dan in my dream, but I don't know how.
What made me forget that moment until now?
Dan in my dream, a strange memory.
Oh, why can't that blasted Island just be done with me?
Tell me, why can't that blasted Island just be done with me?

Dance Little Jean

The Box Man (The Boxer, Paul Simon)

As I eagerly await this week's Desmond flashback, I can't help composing yet another soliloquy by my favorite Scrooge-ish Scot. I say Scrooge not because he's a self-involved, greedy, bitter old man, but because, like Ebenezer Scrooge, he seemingly forfeited the joys of an epic romance because he felt he wasn't good enough for the woman he adored; it appears the harder he tries to prove himself worthy, the further he gets from what he really wants. He even got an otherworldly visitation showing him how happy he could have been, and he might as well have been only a regretful observer for as much as he changed in his past. His future is another story, however, and I really do hope that he and Penny are reunited eventually. Perhaps all his island heroics will have inflated his cripplingly low self-esteem by then, and he'll realize Penny doesn't need her father's blessing or his money to be happy. In any case, it seems appropriate to me that Desmond is so obsessed with Charles Dickens...

This little ramble, to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's The Boxer, is rooted in the season two finale, with the first two verses set on the evening when he and Locke first unknowingly interact with one another and the third during their dramatic lockdown.

The Box Man

I was such a poor boy,
But my heart would not be sold.
I have pondered my resistance
Since the day that I first tumbled
On the premises.

My trying quest
Made me land here and kill Kelvin here.
Has this all been a test?

I'm so far from home.
For a man to be
Left alone, denied his joy
Till his circumstances change,
Is cause for crying.
Drowned in ale,
I fume, "It isn't fair!"

Now I know, as I cower in the corner,
That this island's a snow globe.
All the other places vanished long ago.

Time to die. Time to just give up and die.
Time to die. Here with Dickens by my side, I'll give up and die.

I go leafing through the pages
Of my novel, and I'm sobbing as I discover
Penny's secret, tender words,
For what am I to do?

But my despair
Is cut short when I hear someone's voice
Resounding through the air.

I will try. I'll survive this if I try.
I will try. Don't know why, but from the sky came the will to try.

How I landed back here, no one knows.
I had the chance to roam, so I roamed,
But reality is bitter. Fate was leading me.
Needing me now is John.

Standing near me is the box man,
And he's acting quite deranged.
The poor man could not be blinder
If every light in this cursed room was shut off.
So I cry out
That it's real and I'm to blame:
"Please believe me, please believe me,
I'm the one who crashed your plane!

Not a lie! John, the button's not a lie.
Not a lie! We will die if you deny that it's not a lie.
John, the button's not a lie.
Not a lie! We will die if you deny that it's not a lie.
John, the button's not a lie.
Not a lie! We will die if you deny that it's not a lie.
John, the button's not a lie.
Not a lie! We will die if you deny that it's not a lie.
John, the button's not a lie.
Not a lie! We will die if you deny that it's not a lie.
John, the button's not a lie.
Not a lie! We will die if you deny that it's not a lie.
John, the button's not a lie.
Not a lie! We will die if you deny that it's not a lie.
John, the button's not a lie.
Not a lie! We will die if you deny that it's not a lie."

A Flash Before My Eyes (Same Old Lang Syne, Dan Fogelberg)

It's Desmond time again, from the same episode as before. Here, he's grumbling to himself about his recent experience following an attempt by Charlie to find out what he's been up to. To the tune of Dan Fogelberg's Same Old Lang Syne.

A Flash Before My Eyes

I'm sorry, brother; you don't want to know -
And if you knew, you'd not believe -
What I have felt, the things I've heard and viewed,
All the insights I've received...

I struggled to enlighten John at first
And said his plan was suicide.
But when that failed, I made the whole hatch burst,
Hoping Kelvin hadn't lied.

With crimson droplets drying on my hand,
I woke bewildered on the floor,
Beholding Penny, who I cherish
And I had feared I'd see no more.

Still dazed and wondering if it was true,
I sought her father for a chat
To speak the words I hadn't dared before,
But he pounded my dreams flat.

He drank a toast to privilege,
So icy and high-brow,
As his derision drove me to the edge.
Could I defy him now?

Armed with a second chance, I wouldn't let
The moment pass. I had to try.
Forget her father! I would make a stand
With the best ring I could buy.

Yes, I intended to propose to her,
But in another flash I knew
That I must leave her, though it tore
My tarnished heart and soul in two.

That creepy woman from the jewelry store
Declared to me while my head swirled
That hurting Penny was my destiny
And I had to save the world.

He drank a toast to privilege,
So icy and high-brow,
As his derision drove me to the edge.
Could I defy him now?

He drank a toast to privilege;
I stammered in surprise,
Reliving my abasement in
A flash before my eyes.

I sadly stumbled to the pub that night,
Reviewing my distressing day.
Was it self-sacrifice or just self-doubt?
Did it need to end that way?

Was I heroic or was I a fool?
I contemplated it, and then
I opened up my eyes and I was on
This island once again.