Fish Biscuit (Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Jerry Bock / Sheldon Harnick)

"Hey, you got yourself a fish biscuit!" - Tom, A Tale of Two Cities

When it comes to fictional food, LOST has done just about as well as Harry Potter in whetting my appetite. I'm especially taken with Apollo bars, which always seem to turn up at times when one person is showing great kindness to another, and fish biscuits, which probably aren't all that tasty but certainly must be appreciated when they're the only thing on the menu. Here's an ode to them, set in early season three, to the tune of Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick's Matchmaker, Matchmaker, from Fiddler on the Roof.

Fish Biscuit

Karl: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
You’re all I’ve had
For a long time. You’re not so bad,
Fish biscuit, fish biscuit.
Yet I would bet
That when you’re gone, I’ll be glad.

Kate: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
Shaped like a fish,
Tastes like a caged bear’s fondest wish.
Getting so hungry I’m weak in the knees
So pass me a biscuit, please.

Sawyer: Oh, Freckles tastes like strawberries,
A nice way to approach my own death.
But she had better be wary,
‘Cause I bet that I have fish biscuit breath!

Karl: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
You’re all I’ve had
For a long time. You’re not so bad.
Still, on the list of things I’d want to eat,
A fish biscuit is not a treat.

(spoken)
Karl: Hey. Hey, how long would it take to get to your camp?
Sawyer: What, you talking to me now, Chachi?
Karl: From where they got you, how long a walk was it? A day, two days? And what are the people like from your plane?
Sawyer: Oh, they're just awesome. Last one of you boys came for a visit got tortured by our Iraqi. He tortured me, too...
[Karl escapes his cage and tries to spring Sawyer]
Sawyer: Hey, how'd you get out of there?

(sung)
Karl: Sawyer, hey Sawyer, come on! Run away with me!
I’ve waited, I’ve planned, and now I get to flee
Because you’ll take me to your friends, right? Right!
No doubt they have their vices, but hey, they sure beat Ben,
My girlfriend’s crummy dad -
Shoot, caught again!

Tom: Hey, Ford, you rascal, well, aren’t you the clever guy?
You worked out the trick! I knew that if you’d try
You’d get yourself a fish biscuit, son.
One small thing I ought to tell you.
The bears were lots of fun.
In just a couple hours,
They got it done.

Sawyer: So you sayin’ I’m a dunce?
Tom: Now, just take it easy there.
It’s apparent to me that you’re perfectly smart and tenacious -
For a bear!

Sawyer: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
Guess now I know
How hobbits feel, lembas in tow.
Since I am starvin’ these things do the trick,
But boy, am I gettin’ sick
Of biscuits, crunchy and fishy.
I won’t miss them at all when we leave,
And at the beach, I won’t wish we
Had stuck a few up our sleeves.

Kate: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
I can’t complain. Glad I’m alive.
Still, I do feel
Fish biscuits really aren’t much of a meal.
So I’m in no doubt.
We will bust out.
Can’t wait to eat any old dish
That isn’t shaped like a fish!