Smokey (Mandy, Scott English / Richard Kerr)

"She said you have to stop the Man in Black. You have to stop him from leaving the island. 'Cause if you don't... todos nos vamos al infierno."
- Hurley, Ab Aeterno

Jacob's nemesis is known by a wide variety of names, but ever since I got confirmation that he and the Smoke Monster are one and the same, I reverted to "Smokey," my old standby nickname for our cranky Island menace. Most of the characters on the show, meanwhile, stick with "Locke". Whatever you call him, he's pretty bad news. Here is a loving tribute to this unfortunate soul, to the tune of Barry Manilow's Mandy. May he remain trapped for a long, long time...

Smokey

You can come across as nice
Though your soul’s as cold as ice.
You were once a man,
But now you’re a mimic.
Sweet civility
Is half your gimmick.

Gathering your new recruits,
Going gaseous when it suits,
Keen to claim the prize
You’ve sought for cent’ries,
The hunger’s in your eyes.
It hasn’t been easy.

Oh, Smokey. Well, your name has remained an enigma,
But they're calling you Locke.
Oh, Smokey. You’re a cloud and that carries some stigma.
People can’t help but gawk. Oh, Smokey.

You’ve lingered there since ancient times,
Observing many callous crimes.
Babysitting brats and swiftly judging,
You’ve wanted to resign
And stop Jacob’s nudging.

Oh, Smokey. Well, your name has remained an enigma,
But they're calling you Locke.
Oh, Smokey. You're a cloud and that carries some stigma.
People can't help but gawk. Oh, Smokey.

If you do succeed,
Everyone suffers.
Jacob’s helpers need
Some Smokey snuffers.

Oh, Smokey. Well, your name has remained an enigma,
But they're calling you Locke.
Oh, Smokey. You're a cloud and that carries some stigma.
People can't help but gawk.
Oh, Smokey. Your name has remained an enigma,
But they're calling you Locke.
Oh, Smokey, a cloud, and that carries some stigma.
They won't heed you...