Claire's Insane (You're So Vain, Carly Simon)

"Sayid's a zombie and Claire's nuts. She gave up her ticket when she tried to kill Kate. And I ain't gonna let that happen again."
- Sawyer, The Last Recruit

The Claire of season six is quite a bit different from the Claire the castaways came to know and love.  Here, Sawyer tries to convince Hurley that she's not worth bringing along in their great escape, to the tune of Carly Simon's You're So Vain.  (The above quote is from a conversation with Jack, but I figure his conversation with Hurley would have been similar...)

Claire’s Insane

She showed up with her rifle
And stitched up Jin in her creepy hut.
But then he flinched as she axed that Other guy. 
She got ‘im right in the gut.
Well, it’s only smart to fear her now
‘Cause she’s a gnarly nut.
Lounged here with Locke for too long, and she lost it.
Clearly, she lost it.

Yeah,
Claire’s insane
And horribly in need of a hairbrush.
She’s insane, (She’s insane),
And bringin’ her along would just scare us,
Scare us, scare us...

Well, we knew her several years ago.
Back then, she was so naive.
Oh, but now we are stuck with a crazy Claire
With homicide up her sleeve.
Now, I know you’re really big on love.
You’re eager to believe
People can change, but I’m not gonna chance it.
Not gonna chance it.

No,
Claire’s insane.
She hangs around with skeletal babies.
She’s insane.  (She’s insane!)
I wonder if that thing gave her rabies,
Rabies, rabies, rabies!

Think she can change?  Well, I’m not gonna chance it.
Not gonna chance it.

No,
Claire’s insane.
Apparently she’s also Jack’s sister.
She’s insane. (She’s insane!)
I guess it’s lucky he never kissed her,
Kissed her, kissed her!

Did you hear she went after Kate with a knife?
Sayid, he didn’t step in.
He could not be bothered with a threatened friend’s life.
I’d say the Dark Side is fixin’ to win.
Well, I know we’re runnin’ out of time,
And Hugo, we don’t need
A chick who’s unhinged or a kid-killin’ zombie,
Kid-killin’ zombie.

No,
Claire’s insane.
Yeah, those two gave their tickets up early.
She’s insane.  (Insane!)
We can’t succeed with someone so squirrelly,
Squirrelly, squirrelly, squirrelly!

Claire’s insane
And horribly in need of a hairbrush.
Claire’s insane
And horribly in need of a hairbrush.
Claire’s insane...

You're So Vain

Here We Are In the Past (Years May Come, Years May Go, Jack Fishman / Andre Popp / Jean Massoulier)

"The record is spinning again. We're just not on the song we wanna be on."

- Daniel, LaFleur

Here's a little ditty in which Sawyer, Juliet, Daniel and Horace do some reflecting on the 1974 events of LaFleur, to the tune of the Irish Rovers' Years May Come, Years May Go.

Here We Are in the Past

Sawyer: We might be in a bind,

But I don’t really mind.

I think a haughty hippie beats flashin’ through time.

Don’t have to deal with Ben -

Or if we do, he’s ten.

It’s kinda cool to see history.

Sawyer: Here we are  

(Daniel: Thirty years from when we are)

Sawyer: In the past.

(Daniel: 815 will crash.)

Sawyer: Well, what now?

(Daniel: We’ve been in the Seventies)

Sawyer: Will this last?

(Daniel: Since the final flash.)

Sawyer: If it does,

(Daniel: Now I think we’ve seen the last of)

Sawyer: Pick a pad,

(Daniel: Kate, Sayid and Jack.)

Sawyer: ‘Cause this place

(Daniel: Yes, the record’s spinning but)

Sawyer: Ain’t so bad.

(Daniel: We’re on another track.)    

Juliet: I don’t know what to do,

‘Cause James, I’m sweet on you

But can’t erase the pain this place put me through.

The course of time’s grown smooth,

So could our luck improve,

Or will we stay and then grieve again?

Sawyer: Here we are  

(Daniel: Thirty years from when we are)

Sawyer: In the past.

(Daniel: 815 will crash.)

Sawyer: Well, what now?

(Daniel: We’ve been in the Seventies)

Sawyer: Will this last?

(Daniel: Since the final flash.)

Sawyer: If it does,

(Daniel: Now I think we’ve seen the last of)

Sawyer: Pick a pad,

(Daniel: Kate, Sayid and Jack.)

Sawyer: ‘Cause this place

(Daniel: Yes, the record’s spinning but)

Sawyer: Ain’t so bad.

(Daniel: We’re on another track.)    

Horace: Jim, you helped us out.

I’m sorry for my doubt,

And you just bought yourself a spot.  Yeah, you’ve got clout.

I guess it isn’t true

That DHARMA’s not for you;

I never thought you’d be saving me.

Sawyer: Here we are  

(Daniel: Thirty years from when we are)

Sawyer: In the past.

(Daniel: 815 will crash.)

Sawyer: Well, what now?

(Daniel: We’ve been in the Seventies)

Sawyer: Will this last?

(Daniel: Since the final flash.)

Sawyer: If it does,

(Daniel: Now I think we’ve seen the last of)

Sawyer: Pick a pad,

(Daniel: Kate, Sayid and Jack.)

Sawyer: ‘Cause this place

(Daniel: Yes, the record’s spinning but)

Sawyer: Ain’t so bad.

(Daniel: We’re on another track...)

We Ain't Done (Day Is Done, Peter Yarrow)

"You and me ain't done, Zeke." - Sawyer, The Hunting Party

There's way too much revenge floating around the Island on LOST. Here's Sawyer to the tune of Peter Yarrow's Day Is Done.


We Ain’t Done

Listen, Zeke, I know what you did.
I was right there when you snatched the kid.
I don’t speak destiny, but you bein’ here
Seems like fate, and your reckoning’s near.
Feel the fear.

Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done.

I can tell you what Hugo will say:
“Come on, dude, please put your pistol away!”
He’s naive, and he just doesn’t know
That this is the way it should go.
I’m sure of it, though.

Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done.

Spent my whole life lookin’ to kill.
Got rid of Sawyer, but the drive is there still.
I don’t know, guess it isn’t so wise,
But when I find a guy I despise,
Then I say he dies.

Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done.

Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done...

Day Is Done

The Island Where I Was Reborn (The Village That They Call the Moy, Ryan Kelly)

"Don't try to stop me, Peter. I am sure Aslan would not. I am sure it is not wrong for me to mourn for Narnia. Think of all that lies dead and frozen beyond that door."
- Lucy Pevensie, The Last Battle

"Is everything sad going to come untrue?" 
- Sam Gamgee, The Return of the King

"I chose you because you needed this place as much as it needed you."
- Jacob, What They Died For 

We've known for a long time that The End was coming, and I've been preparing myself by setting aside songs that I might use to work through my feelings about the finale. I have a list of them jotted down, but one grabbed me and refused to release me, forcing me to do something about it before I even watched the last episode, anticipating that I would spend the wee hours of this morning ripping it to shreds in light of everything in the finale that contradicted it. Instead I changed it just before I watched the episode, and I kept it pretty much the same after that.  Initially I imagined it being set immediately after the Island events in the finale, as I strongly suspected the Island would sink; now, it's set in the Sideways world, at which point it does seem that the Island is indeed under the sea, or certainly inaccessible to our castaways.  And despite all evidence to the contrary, I believe that Jacob and Hurley will reunite on the other side of that door.

The Village That They Call the Moy is a song written and performed by Celtic Thunder's Ryan Kelly, a musician for whom I have enormous respect and affection. I came across his demo online last year and it instantly resonated deeply. I evaded it all year, mostly because I felt a little funny filking a song that isn't actually on an album yet. But the album's coming soon, and I hope everyone reading this buys a copy, because it's sure to be brilliant. And when this song tapped me on the shoulder, it would not be stopped. So I hope Ryan will forgive me for piggybacking off of his tender hometown ode, and I thank him for giving me the perfect vehicle for expressing my sense of grateful melancholy as my favorite show comes to a close.

(Update: Ryan Kelly's first solo album, In Time - which features a more up-tempo version of The Village That They Call the Moy - is available now.  Buy it here!)

The Island Where I Was Reborn

Sawyer: Leavin’ it should have been easy.
It put me through such an ordeal.
But still, I shuddered to think, As the memories shrink,
I someday could doubt it was real.
I went there so jaded and lost and afraid
Of the darkness that’s inside of me;
I passed through the flames, and I left as just James.
I’m found, and I’m finally free.

That doesn’t mean I don’t miss it.
Jacob knew that I needed that place,
So I boarded that flight, and I went toward the light,
Toward the source of all wisdom and grace.
I am happy and whole and at ease in my soul,
But a part of me always will mourn
That it’s under the sea, so I never will be
Back on the Island where I was reborn.

Kate: How dreary were days I did nothing but run
From my conscience and from the police!
My own complicity in my friend’s death
Haunted me and kept me from peace.
My love life always was messy.
At last I’m sure of which romance to pursue,
But I think of the track that I traveled with Jack
Before all of our grief came untrue.

That’s when I realize I miss it.
Jacob knew that I needed that place,
So I boarded that flight, and I went toward the light,
Toward the source of all wisdom and grace.
I am happy and whole and at ease in my soul,
But a part of me always will mourn
That it’s under the sea, so I never will be
Back on the Island where I was reborn.

Hugo: It’s well I remember that life-changing day
When he asked me to go catch that plane.
Then he tried to prepare me for leaving him there,
For the close to his long-standing reign.
He brought me so far from that chat in the car
But also learned something from me;
Since love never ends, we will always be friends,
And it all started under the sea.

Everyone knows that I miss it.
Jacob knew that I needed that place,
So I boarded that flight, and I went toward the light,
Toward the source of all wisdom and grace.
I am happy and whole and at ease in my soul,
But a part of me always will mourn
That it’s under the sea, so I never will be
Back on the Island where I was reborn.

All: I am happy and whole and at ease in my soul,
But a part of me always will mourn
That it’s under the sea, so I never will be
Back on the Island where I was reborn.


The Village That They Call The Moy
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Our Noble Leader (The Gentle Healer, Michael Card)

Sawyer: And I thought that guy had a God complex before.
Kate: James.
Sawyer: Yeah, I know.
- What They Died For

After seeing such a snarly Island Sawyer for so much of season six, I was touched by his humility in What They Died For. Here's Sawyer coming to grips with Jack's role as his leader, to the tune of Michael Card's The Gentle Healer.

Our Noble Leader

Our noble leader always has to save the day.
He gives commands, and I balk and disobey.
Yeah, you can depend on my gettin' in his way.
Our noble leader always has to save the day.

Our noble leader always has to save the day,
And Juliet was the price I had to pay,
For she fell in the well, and now my world is gray.
Our noble leader always has to save the day.

Oh, I know that he’s a tender-hearted man.
When no one cared, he lent a helping hand.
Yeah, but trustin’ folks was never quite my plan.
And yet I know that he’s a tender-hearted man.

Our noble leader, he’s number twenty-three,
And now Jacob’s told him, “Jack, you’re just like me.”
I want to be sarcastic, but I see
That our noble leader is what he was meant to be.

The Distress Call (Feuilles-Oh / Do Space Men Pass Dead Souls On Their Way to the Moon, Traditional / J. S. Bach / Linda Grossman)

"Si qui que ce soit puisse entendre ceci, ils sont morts. Veuillez nous aider. Je vais essayer d'aller jusqu'au Rocher Noir. Il les a tués. Il les a tués tous."
- Danielle, Pilot, Part 2

Here's my best attempt at turning the radio transmission into a song. I changed it as little as possible; I hope it still makes sense. Here's the end of the pilot episode, to the tune of Art Garfunkel's Feuilles-Oh / Do Space Men Pass Dead Souls On Their Way to the Moon?

The Distress Call

Danielle: Si qui que puisse entendre,
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.
Si qui que puisse entendre,
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.

Veuillez nous aider.
Il les a tués.
Ils sont morts.
Vuillez nous aider.
Il les a tués.
Je vais essayer
D'aller à Rocher Noir.
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.

Si qui que puisse entendre,
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.
Si qui que puisse entendre,
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.

Veuillez nous aider.
Il les a tués.
Ils sont morts.
Vuillez nous aider.
Il les a tués.
Je vais essayer
D'aller à Rocher Noir.
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.

Sayid: It’s been running for 16 years.
Boone: Someone else? Stranded here?
Sayid: Yes, this was a cry for help.
Sawyer: If someone saved her, then why’s it still play?
Charlie: Uh... Hey, guys, where are we?
This is no normal place.

Danielle: Veuillez nous aider.
Il les a tués.
Ils sont morts.
Vuillez nous aider.
Il les a tués.
Je vais essayer
D'aller à Rocher Noir.
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.
Aidez-nous. Ils sont morts.

The Island He Ruled (The Village of Brambleshire Wood, George and Will Millar)

"At some point in your life, James, probably when you were young and miserable and vulnerable. he came to you, he manipulated you, pulled your strings like you were a puppet. And as a result, choices you thought were made, were never really choices at all. He was pushing you, James. Pushing you.. to the Island."- Smokey, The Substitute

Jacob and Smokey have very different perspectives on their ongoing battle. Here's Smokey addressing Sawyer in the cliffside cave, to the tune of the Irish Rovers' The Village of Brambleshire Wood.

The Island He Ruled

Written here on this wall are the numbers and names
Of the people he brought to the Island he ruled.
I’ve freed us at last from his tedious games
And his endless insistence on preserving the light.

Goodbye to his silly white stone!
See the names of the chumps who have died?
He carelessly crossed out the names and the numbers
Of people he brought to the Island he ruled.

Goodbye to his games and his silly white stone
And the names in this cave on the Island he ruled!

You’ll notice, I think, not all of the names here
Are split and obscured with a chalk line of white.
They're potential replacements who somehow aren't dead,
Who've survived their ordeal on the Island he ruled.

There’s Shephard and Reyes and Kwon,
And Jarrah, and I think both of us recall John.
His time here is through, so I’ll cross him out too,
Just a pawn Jacob brought to the Island he ruled.

Goodbye to his games and his silly white stone
And the names in this cave on the Island he ruled!

Now you’re number 15. Don’t look so astonished.
Yes, you met Jacob a long time ago.
He gave you a push, James, and look where it led you.
It brought you, like the rest, to the Island he ruled.

Since he’s dead, three choices are yours:
Do nothing, and stay on these infernal shores;
Take on the position of pointless protector;
Or you join me, and we leave the Island he ruled.

Goodbye to his games and his silly white stone
And the names in this cave on the Island he ruled!

The Village of Brambleshire Wood

A Monster By the Cockpit (Hey Daddy, Bob Ruzicka)

Here's another ditty inspired by the Anne Murray album There's a Hippo in My Tub, a wonderful collection of lullabies. This is a not-so-soothing rundown of some of the strange creatures on the Island, to the tune of Hey Daddy.

A Monster By the Cockpit

Hey, Sawyer, there’s a bear out in the jungle.
Good thing you’re a trigger-happy man.
Hey, Charlie, run quick, ‘cause there’s a monster by the cockpit,
And it seems to me he’s not a Drive Shaft fan.

It’s a scary sort of Island
With a roving DHARMA shark.
Sometimes you suspect that
You’d prefer Jurassic Park.

I tell ya,
Hey, Sawyer, there’s a bear out in the jungle.
Good thing you’re a trigger-happy man.
Hey, Charlie, run quick, ‘cause there’s a monster by the cockpit,
And it seems to me he’s not a Drive Shaft fan.

Well, the bandit boars are a menace here,
And the Hurley bird is bizarre,
But if velociraptors trash the camp,
That’s going too far.

Meanwhile,
Hey, Sawyer, there’s a bear out in the jungle.
Good thing you’re a trigger-happy man.
Hey, Charlie, run quick, ‘cause there’s a monster by the cockpit,
And it seems to me he’s not a Drive Shaft fan.
And it seems to me he’s not a Drive Shaft fan.
Yeah, it seems to me he’s not a Drive Shaft fan.

Answers (The Safety Dance, Ivan Doroschuk)

Smokey: That's not why you're here. And if you come with me, I can prove it.
Sawyer: Well, I guess I better put some pants on.
- The Substitute

In The Substitute, Sawyer has to decide whether or not to go with the man who looks like John Locke and claims he can answer some of his most burning questions. It's not too tough a choice for him to make. Here's Sawyer to the tune of Men Without Hats' The Safety Dance.

Answers

It’s a chance for some answers,
Which I’d really love to find.
If you’re gonna show what I wanna know,
Then I’ll leave this behind.
But when you give me your answers,
Since I’m not the trustin’ kind,
I’ll just pretend to accept whatever you say
As a plan’s formin’ in my mind.
It’s a chance.

I’ve been lookin’ for answers
Since the minute Blondie died.
If there’s some truth somewhere in whatever you share,
Then I’d better let you be my guide.
Hey, I’ll make use of your answers.
Let’s get outta Dharmaville.
Yeah, with a little luck, I’ll find out why I’m stuck,
And then I’ll turn on the conman skill.

There’s not a chance,
Not a chance
I will be losing control.
Not a chance,
Not a chance
You will be corrupting my soul.

Not a chance,
Not a chance
I’ll be fallin’ under your trance.
It’s a chance.
It’s a chance.
Guess I’d better put on some pants.

There’s a chance
It’s the proper stance.
Yeah, I’ll take the chance.

It’s a chance for some answers.
Wonder what will come to light?
I’ve had enough of boozin’.
This is what I’m choosin’.
I just hope I’m choosin’ right.

Oh, yeah. It’s a chance for some answers,
Which I’d really love to find.
If you’re gonna show what I wanna know,
Then I’ll leave this behind.

Oh, no, not a chance,
Not a chance
I will be losing control.
Not a chance,
Not a chance
You will be corrupting my soul.

Not a chance,
Not a chance
I’ll be fallin’ under your trance.
It’s a chance.
It’s a chance.
Guess I’d better put on some pants.

Yeah, I’ll take a chance
It’s the proper stance.
Yeah, I’ll take a chance.
It’s the proper stance.
Yeah, I’ll take a chance
It’s the proper stance.
Yeah, I’ll take the chance.
It’s the proper stance.
Yeah, I’ll take a chance
It’s the proper stance.
Yeah, I’ll take the chance.
It’s the proper stance.

Dissin' Anakin (On the Road Again, Willie Nelson)

In The Last Recruit, my favorite line in the episode was followed by my least favorite. Hurley, ever the idealist, protested Sawyer's assessment of Sayid, saying, "You can always bring people back from the Dark Side. I mean, Anakin..." At which point Sawyer let him know in no uncertain terms that he neither knew nor cared who Anakin was. From any other character I might be able to brush this off as merely disappointing, but Sawyer has given four Star Wars-related nicknames over the seasons and even used one of Han's tricks to hoodwink Aldo in season three. I don't buy it. So what's the deal, Sawyer? Here's my little rant to the tune of Willie Nelson's On the Road Again.

Dissin’ Anakin

Dissin’ Anakin.
Sawyer, how come you’re dissin’ Anakin?
You’re cool with Chewie, ‘cause that’s what you christened Jin,
So I don’t know why you’re dissin’ Anakin.

Dissin’ Anakin.
You thought Yoda kinda looked like Ben,
Nicknamed Hurley Jabba, much to his chagrin.
I don‘t know why you’re dissin’ Anakin.

Dissin’ Anakin.
You continue to conduct yourself like Solo
With your swaggerin’
And zingers, but there’s somethin’ you should know, bro.
Han Solo

Called his kid Anakin.
Even Solo respected Anakin.
You have committed such a pop cultural sin!
I just don’t know why you’re dissin’ Anakin.

Dissin’ Anakin.
You continue to conduct yourself like Solo
With your swaggerin’
And zingers, but there’s somethin’ you should know, bro.
Han Solo

Called his kid Anakin.
Even Solo respected Anakin.
You have committed such a pop cultural sin!
I just don’t know why you’re dissin’ Anakin.
No, I don’t know why you’re dissin’ Anakin.

Who'll Fly the Plane (Who'll Stop the Rain, John Fogerty)

"Even if we could get on that plane, who's gonna fly it?"
- Kate, Recon


Sawyer's been laying low and plotting throughout much of the sixth season. Kate's not so sure she's on board with his plans. Here's an elongated version of her objections to him at the end of Recon, to the tune of Creedence Clearwater Revival's Who'll Stop the Rain.

Who’ll Fly the Plane

Look, I don’t remember just how the plane went down.
Wasn’t still on board when it must’ve hit the ground.
Don’t know what’s become of Frank and Ben and Sun.
So I wonder, still I wonder, who’ll fly the plane.

What did you discover when you went off to explore?
Did you learn what Widmore’s on Hydra Island for?
Your approach seems risky, possibly in vain.
Yes, I wonder, still I wonder, who’ll fly the plane.

Not so hot on stayin’, but when we get there,
How do we win over Jin and crazy Claire?
Where are Jack and Hurley? Will we strand them here?
And I wonder, still I wonder, who’ll fly the plane.

Sawyer's Threat (Good Luck Charm, Aaron Schroeder / Wally Gold)

"You harm so much as one hair on his curly head... I'll kill you."
- Sawyer, The Shape of Things to Come


The Shape of Things to Come is one of my all-time least favorite episodes of LOST, but I love the scene in which Sawyer demonstrates such concern for Hurley's well-being. Here he addresses John to the tune of Elvis Presley's Good Luck Charm.

Sawyer’s Threat

Beware, and John, prepare to die!

Don’t want him on your mission.
Why did he say he’d go?
I can’t force him to change his course,
But I think you ought to know

You’d better not intend to do him harm
Because I won’t be shy.
Yeah, if you harm one hair
Upon his head, beware,
And John (and John), prepare (prepare) to die!

I never heard of Jacob.
How can he help us now?
But what the heck? Go and take your trek.
Just don’t forget my vow.

You’d better not intend to do him harm
Because I won’t be shy.
Yeah, if you harm one hair
Upon his head, beware,
And John (and John), prepare (prepare) to die!
Beware (beware), and John (and John), prepare to die!
And John (and John), prepare (prepare) to die!

See, Hugo’s a better buddy
Than either of us has earned.
They broke the mold with his heart of gold,
So don’t let him get burned.

You’d better not intend to do him harm
Because I won’t be shy.
Yeah, if you harm one hair
Upon his head, beware,
And John (and John), prepare (prepare) to die!
Beware (beware), and John (and John), prepare (prepare) to die.
And John (and John), prepare (prepare) to die!

I'll Search for Sun (Here Comes the Sun, George Harrison)

"I can't leave. Sun could be here somewhere."
- Jin, Recon


Sawyer is anxious to leave the Island, but Jin's first priority is finding his wife, as he explains to the tune of the Beatles' Here Comes the Sun.

I’ll Search for Sun

I’ll search for Sun till I find her.
I’ll search for Sun. Without her,
I won’t leave.

Listen, Sawyer, you want to get off of this Island.
Listen, Sawyer, I hope I’m making myself clear.
I’ll search for Sun till I find her.
I’ll search for Sun. Without her,
I won’t leave.

Listen, Sawyer, both of us know how big this place is.
Listen, Sawyer, I don't care if it takes all year.
I’ll search for Sun till I find her.
I’ll search for Sun. Without her,
I won’t leave.

Sun, Sun, Sun, here I come.
Sun, Sun, Sun, here I come.
Sun, Sun, Sun, here I come.
Sun, Sun, Sun, here I come.
Sun, Sun, Sun, here I come.

Listen, Sawyer, that isn’t Locke and I don’t trust him.
Listen, Sawyer, it’s getting scary around here.
I’ll search for Sun till I find her.
I’ll search for Sun. Without her,
I won’t leave.
I’ll search for Sun till I find her.
I’ll search for Sun.
I won’t leave.
I won’t leave.

Sawyer's Candidacy (From the Word Go, Michael Garvin / Chris Waters)

Sawyer: You tricked me into being decent. That's gotta be the lamest con in the history of cons.
Hurley: Wasn't a con, dude. If you're gonna be our temporary leader, you need to do some damage control.
- Left Behind

One of my all-time favorite B-stories in LOST is in Left Behind, when Hurley essentially cons Sawyer into being nice so he can accept the leadership position that seems to be waiting for him. This was a major step in the right direction for Sawyer; too bad it was so soon followed by John's bad influence. But Sawyer did eventually become the sort of leader Hurley knew he could be, and I think Hurley's guidance helped a lot. Here's a recreation of their conversation at the end of Left Behind, to the tune of Michael Martin Murphey's From the Word Go.

Sawyer’s Candidacy

Sawyer: My mind’s been on bein’ kind
So folks will have pity on me.
But now I’m wonderin’ how
I could fall for your bid to con me.
Hurley: Dude, it’s damage control.
Plus, it’s good for your soul!

Sorry, Sawyer,
But since Jack’s gone and Sayid, Kate and John are too,
You’re our leader.
I guess it’s lousy being you.

Look at the faces out there.
Everyone’s eating boar and smilin’.
You trade vice for a chance to be nice,
And it’s a much happier Island.
Can’t you give it a try?
Sawyer: Hey, you’ve got the wrong guy!

Tell me, Hugo,
How can you think I’m in charge here? Are you insane?
Me, a leader?
This is a ludicrous campaign.

Hurley: Think this was easy for Jack?
Just until he gets back,

Sorry, Sawyer,
But since Jack’s gone and Sayid, Kate and John are too,
You’re our leader.
I guess it’s lousy being you. (3x)

From the Word Go

Meant to Suffer (Talkin' to the Wrong Man, Michael Martin Murphey)

"Some people are just supposed to suffer. That's why the Red Sox will never win the series."
- Christian, Outlaws

Jack and Christian's complicated relationship is right at the heart of LOST. The sixth season may offer a more direct opportunity for reconciliation, but I love that Sawyer gets to help in healing the rift back in the first season. Here's a reflection to the tune of Michael Martin Murphey's Talkin' to the Wrong Man.

Meant to Suffer

Christian: Hey, cowboy. If you’re down under
And drowning all your sorrows in this bar,
Then you must have major problems.
Brooding isn’t gonna get you far.
I let my son think that I hate him.
With a phone call, I could be free.
I’m a weakling. Hesitation
Will make you just as miserable as me.

Maybe I was meant to suffer,
Meant to wallow in my cowardice and sin.
Some folks were meant to suffer.
That’s why the Sox are never gonna win.

Jack: Listen, Sawyer, I should say thank you.
But now that you are handing me that gun,
I’m wondering how she could convince you.
Do I dare to ask you what she has done?
I have a feeling if you were to tell me,
I’d wish that I had never heard your news.
Guess my dad was onto something
When he said the Sox are always gonna lose.

Maybe I was meant to suffer,
Meant to seethe while you make secret deals with Kate.
Some folks were meant to suffer.
My father always chalked it up to fate.

Sawyer: Met a doctor down in Sydney.
Well, his son and him, they’d gotten in a fight,
And he wished he had the guts to tell him,
“I’m proud of you. I love you. You were right.”

He said he was meant to suffer,
But he knew he was to blame for his own fall.
Some folks were meant to suffer;
It looks like Christian never made that call.
Looks like Christian never made that call.

Talkin' to the Wrong Man

Tell Me About It (Tell Her About It, Billy Joel)

"Is there something you wanna tell me?"
- Miles, Recon

Miles and Sawyer are two of LOST's most abrasive characters. Both of them have used verbal acuity to belittle others and to obscure the truth. But once the two of them have teamed up, they expect a little bit more out of each other. Here's a song from Miles, lecturing Sawyer in Recon to the tune of Billy Joel's Tell Her About It.

Tell Me About It

Listen, Jim, don’t wanna bug ya,
But I’m worried about you.
You know, you’d like to think you’re good at hiding things,
But that just isn’t true.
I’m your buddy, Jim, and if you are in a bind,
You should let me know whatever is on your mind.

Hey, listen, I’ve known you too long
To buy the act you’re pulling now,
And whoever this guy Cooper is,
He’s got ya riled up somehow.
And I don’t believe that you saw him in Palm Springs
Or you’re calling him so he can pull some strings.

Tell me about it. Tell me why you’re tied in knots.
Jim, I’m a detective, so I can connect the dots.
Tell me about it, ‘cause you sure aren’t foolin’ me.
I’ve got noble reasons to give you the third degree.

Listen, Jim. You’d like to think
That you’re as solid as a rock.
But you’re not alone, so please take advantage
Of the chance you have to talk.
It’s a big relief to get things off your chest.
That’s the reason I am being such a pest.

Tell me about it. Would that really be so hard?
You would feel much better if you’d just let down your guard.
Tell me about it. Tell me where you went last week.
Jim, it makes me nervous that you’re being such a sneak.

I’m gonna go and run your credit card.
Yeah, it’s paranoid, but I’m at my wit’s end,
And our relationship’s already marred
If you can’t just tell the truth to your best friend.

Listen, Jim. No room for secrets
In a proper partnership.
I know sun and sand isn’t what you planned
When you went on your little trip.
I have two good ears; they need to get some use.
I will not accept another phony excuse.

Tell me about it. Tell me why you’re tied in knots.
Jim, I’m a detective, so I can connect the dots.
Tell me about it, ‘cause you sure aren’t foolin’ me.
I’ve got noble reasons to give you the third degree.

Tell me about it. Tell me why you’re tied in knots.
Just tell me about it. Don’t you think I’ve earned your trust?
You gotta tell me about it. I’ll investigate if I must.
You gotta tell me about it. Thought you were my friend.
You gotta tell me about it. The truth will come out in the end.
You gotta tell me about it. You gotta tell, tell, tell me about it.
Tell me about it...

The Smoke Thing (My Life, Billy Joel)

"I'm the Smoke Thing."
- Smokey, Recon

In Recon, the most recent episode of LOST, my favorite line was Smokey's blunt assertion.  Here's a song about his conversation with Sawyer, to the tune of Billy Joel's My Life.

The Smoke Thing

Smokey: You should know it was rude of you to interrupt me.
Can’t you see I was trying to calm people down?
You’re not helping by questioning me so abruptly.
Even so, I forgive ya. Quit mopin’ around.

James, this may be a shock to you, but
I’m the Smoke Thing.
I’m the one you should blame for the blood that was spilled.
Do you think that I’m mad? Do you think that I’m joking?
Well, it’s kill or be killed. I don’t wanna be killed.

I‘m gonna need you to go off and do reconnaissance.
(Sawyer: What am I doin’ this for?)
Smokey: I‘m gonna need you, because you were a conman once.
(Sawyer: Sure, that sounds safe...)
Smokey: You don‘t forget
(Sawyer: Can’t forget)
Smokey: Those skills, I bet.
(Sawyer: Those skills yet.)
Smokey: You can lie your way through any mess, James.

There’s a plane on the beach over on Hydra Island.
That’s the plane we’ll be using to get outta here.
If the passengers get in the way of what I planned,
Sorry, folks, but the Smoke Thing will soon reappear.

James, this may be a shock to you, but
I’m the Smoke Thing.
I’m the one you should blame for the blood that was spilled.
Do you think that I’m mad? Do you think that I’m joking?
Well, it’s kill or be killed. I don’t wanna be killed.

I‘m gonna need you to go off and do reconnaissance.
(Sawyer: What am I doin’ this for?)
Smokey: I‘m gonna need you, because you were a conman once.
(Sawyer: Why should I go?)
Smokey: You don‘t forget
(Sawyer: Can’t forget)
Smokey: Those skills, I bet.
(Sawyer: Those skills yet.)
Smokey: You can lie your way through any mess, James.

Do you think that I’m mad? Do you think that I’m joking?
Well, it’s kill or be killed. I don’t wanna be killed.

Sawyer: How can I outsmart the Smoke Thing?
How can I outsmart the Smoke Thing?
How can I outsmart the Smoke Thing?

Little House (The Garden Song, Dave Mallett)

Charles: Hey, you heard that? Now that's what life's all about. Laughin' and lovin' each other. And knowin' that people aren't really gone when they die. We have all the good memories to sustain us until we see 'em again.
Laura: It's hard not being afraid, Pa...
Charles: I know, sweetheart. I know.
- Little House on the Prairie, Remember Me I
 
Sawyer is just full of surprises. One of my favorites is the fact that he is a fan of Little House on the Prairie. He dropped that little tidbit back in season three; now it's finally come up again, and Sawyer's softie status is assured... Here's a reflection by him to the tune of Dave Mallett's The Garden Song. (Below is the closest recording I could find online to the version I modeled mine after.)

Little House

Little House. What a show!
Sorta sappy, sorta slow.
Secretly, I’m a softie, though,
So I won’t apologize.
Little House. What a show!
Half-Pint has it good, ya know.
I’d’ve lived through lots less woe
If my dad had been that wise.

They endure though times are tough.
They‘ve got each other. That‘s enough.
They have the kind of life I‘d love.
It‘s the life I was denied.
Hard work don‘t bother me.
I'm a man of industry.
I have craved a family
Since the day my parents died.

Little House. What a show!
Sorta sappy, sorta slow.
Secretly, I’m a softie, though,
So I won’t apologize.
Little House. What a show!
Half-Pint has it good, ya know.
I’d’ve lived through lots less woe
If my dad had been that wise.

Could it be I was wrong
Hangin’ onto hate so long?
When I thought it made me strong,
Did it keep me weak instead?
Before I work out what to do,
Guess I’d better think this through.
Maybe I should listen to
All the things Pa Ingalls said.

Little House. What a show!
Sorta sappy, sorta slow.
Secretly, I’m a softie, though,
So I won’t apologize.
Little House. What a show!
Half-Pint has it good, ya know.
I’d’ve lived through lots less woe
If my dad had been that wise.
The Garden Song

Fish Biscuit (Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Jerry Bock / Sheldon Harnick)

"Hey, you got yourself a fish biscuit!" - Tom, A Tale of Two Cities

When it comes to fictional food, LOST has done just about as well as Harry Potter in whetting my appetite. I'm especially taken with Apollo bars, which always seem to turn up at times when one person is showing great kindness to another, and fish biscuits, which probably aren't all that tasty but certainly must be appreciated when they're the only thing on the menu. Here's an ode to them, set in early season three, to the tune of Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick's Matchmaker, Matchmaker, from Fiddler on the Roof.

Fish Biscuit

Karl: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
You’re all I’ve had
For a long time. You’re not so bad,
Fish biscuit, fish biscuit.
Yet I would bet
That when you’re gone, I’ll be glad.

Kate: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
Shaped like a fish,
Tastes like a caged bear’s fondest wish.
Getting so hungry I’m weak in the knees
So pass me a biscuit, please.

Sawyer: Oh, Freckles tastes like strawberries,
A nice way to approach my own death.
But she had better be wary,
‘Cause I bet that I have fish biscuit breath!

Karl: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
You’re all I’ve had
For a long time. You’re not so bad.
Still, on the list of things I’d want to eat,
A fish biscuit is not a treat.

(spoken)
Karl: Hey. Hey, how long would it take to get to your camp?
Sawyer: What, you talking to me now, Chachi?
Karl: From where they got you, how long a walk was it? A day, two days? And what are the people like from your plane?
Sawyer: Oh, they're just awesome. Last one of you boys came for a visit got tortured by our Iraqi. He tortured me, too...
[Karl escapes his cage and tries to spring Sawyer]
Sawyer: Hey, how'd you get out of there?

(sung)
Karl: Sawyer, hey Sawyer, come on! Run away with me!
I’ve waited, I’ve planned, and now I get to flee
Because you’ll take me to your friends, right? Right!
No doubt they have their vices, but hey, they sure beat Ben,
My girlfriend’s crummy dad -
Shoot, caught again!

Tom: Hey, Ford, you rascal, well, aren’t you the clever guy?
You worked out the trick! I knew that if you’d try
You’d get yourself a fish biscuit, son.
One small thing I ought to tell you.
The bears were lots of fun.
In just a couple hours,
They got it done.

Sawyer: So you sayin’ I’m a dunce?
Tom: Now, just take it easy there.
It’s apparent to me that you’re perfectly smart and tenacious -
For a bear!

Sawyer: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
Guess now I know
How hobbits feel, lembas in tow.
Since I am starvin’ these things do the trick,
But boy, am I gettin’ sick
Of biscuits, crunchy and fishy.
I won’t miss them at all when we leave,
And at the beach, I won’t wish we
Had stuck a few up our sleeves.

Kate: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
I can’t complain. Glad I’m alive.
Still, I do feel
Fish biscuits really aren’t much of a meal.
So I’m in no doubt.
We will bust out.
Can’t wait to eat any old dish
That isn’t shaped like a fish!

The Crazy Man (Shilo, Neil Diamond)

Charlotte: When I was little, living here, there was this man... a crazy man, he really scared me. And he told me that I had to leave the island and never ever come back. He told me that if I came back I would die. Daniel: Charlotte, I don't understand.
Charlotte: Daniel – I think that man was you.
- This Place Is Death

Charlotte is one character on LOST who I've felt we didn't really get to know quite as well as I would've liked. But through Daniel, I've developed a pretty deep affection for her. Here's a reflection mostly by her in This Place Is Death, to the tune of Neil Diamond's Shilo.

The Crazy Man

Charlotte: Can’t Daddy come?
How can we leave him behind?
Sawyer: Hey, what’s with Red?
I think she’s out of her mind!

Juliet: Listen, Dan, our time’s running out now
And we’ve got to go.
Daniel: So you think I should leave her here since she’s slow?
No, no and no!

Charlotte: One long-ago July,
I met a crazy man.
He told me I would die
If I came back. Oh, Dan,
That was you.

Now I recall
That I have been here before.
Daniel, this was my home;
Lived here for three years or more.

Every time I tried to remember
This as a child,
Mum insisted my daydreams were running wild,
Just running wild.

One long-ago July,
I met a crazy man.
He told me I would die
If I came back. Oh, Dan,
Is it true?

Anthropology seemed like my ticket
To finding this place.
Now I’m seeing the warning etched in your face.
It’s in your face.

One long-ago July,
I met a crazy man.
He told me I would die
If I came back. Oh, Dan,
What to do?

Anthropology seemed like my ticket
To finding this place.
Now I’m seeing the warning etched in your face.
It’s in your face.

One long-ago July,
I met a crazy man.
He told me I would die
If I came back. Oh, Dan,
That was you.