We Ain't Done (Day Is Done, Peter Yarrow)

"You and me ain't done, Zeke." - Sawyer, The Hunting Party

There's way too much revenge floating around the Island on LOST. Here's Sawyer to the tune of Peter Yarrow's Day Is Done.


We Ain’t Done

Listen, Zeke, I know what you did.
I was right there when you snatched the kid.
I don’t speak destiny, but you bein’ here
Seems like fate, and your reckoning’s near.
Feel the fear.

Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done.

I can tell you what Hugo will say:
“Come on, dude, please put your pistol away!”
He’s naive, and he just doesn’t know
That this is the way it should go.
I’m sure of it, though.

Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done.

Spent my whole life lookin’ to kill.
Got rid of Sawyer, but the drive is there still.
I don’t know, guess it isn’t so wise,
But when I find a guy I despise,
Then I say he dies.

Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done.

Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done...

Day Is Done

Tell Me About It (Tell Her About It, Billy Joel)

"Is there something you wanna tell me?"
- Miles, Recon

Miles and Sawyer are two of LOST's most abrasive characters. Both of them have used verbal acuity to belittle others and to obscure the truth. But once the two of them have teamed up, they expect a little bit more out of each other. Here's a song from Miles, lecturing Sawyer in Recon to the tune of Billy Joel's Tell Her About It.

Tell Me About It

Listen, Jim, don’t wanna bug ya,
But I’m worried about you.
You know, you’d like to think you’re good at hiding things,
But that just isn’t true.
I’m your buddy, Jim, and if you are in a bind,
You should let me know whatever is on your mind.

Hey, listen, I’ve known you too long
To buy the act you’re pulling now,
And whoever this guy Cooper is,
He’s got ya riled up somehow.
And I don’t believe that you saw him in Palm Springs
Or you’re calling him so he can pull some strings.

Tell me about it. Tell me why you’re tied in knots.
Jim, I’m a detective, so I can connect the dots.
Tell me about it, ‘cause you sure aren’t foolin’ me.
I’ve got noble reasons to give you the third degree.

Listen, Jim. You’d like to think
That you’re as solid as a rock.
But you’re not alone, so please take advantage
Of the chance you have to talk.
It’s a big relief to get things off your chest.
That’s the reason I am being such a pest.

Tell me about it. Would that really be so hard?
You would feel much better if you’d just let down your guard.
Tell me about it. Tell me where you went last week.
Jim, it makes me nervous that you’re being such a sneak.

I’m gonna go and run your credit card.
Yeah, it’s paranoid, but I’m at my wit’s end,
And our relationship’s already marred
If you can’t just tell the truth to your best friend.

Listen, Jim. No room for secrets
In a proper partnership.
I know sun and sand isn’t what you planned
When you went on your little trip.
I have two good ears; they need to get some use.
I will not accept another phony excuse.

Tell me about it. Tell me why you’re tied in knots.
Jim, I’m a detective, so I can connect the dots.
Tell me about it, ‘cause you sure aren’t foolin’ me.
I’ve got noble reasons to give you the third degree.

Tell me about it. Tell me why you’re tied in knots.
Just tell me about it. Don’t you think I’ve earned your trust?
You gotta tell me about it. I’ll investigate if I must.
You gotta tell me about it. Thought you were my friend.
You gotta tell me about it. The truth will come out in the end.
You gotta tell me about it. You gotta tell, tell, tell me about it.
Tell me about it...

The Island and Me (Alaska and Me, John Denver)

The last couple of seasons of LOST have not been so kind to John Locke. Nonetheless, his troubles as a result of the Island have not diminished my exultation in his joy upon finding the Island in the first place. Here's a reflection by him to the tune of John Denver's Alaska and Me.

The Island and Me

When I was a child, a strange man came to see me.
He spoke of a school where special kids stay.
And he gave me a test, but when he found me a failure,
He packed his bag and strode swiftly away.

Well, the next few years burdened me with boatloads of bullies
Who stuffed me into lockers and shoved me aside.
But when I heard a science camp awaited in Portland,
I derided the summons to salvage my pride.

Here's to the Island. Here’s to amazement.
Here’s to enjoying just jubilee.
Here's to embracing deferred destiny.
Here's to the Island and me.

I was born to a teen in the city of Tustin,
Raised as an orphan, so unmoored and alone
And aware of the void that was left by my father.
I swore that I’d find him one day when I’d grown.

But he couldn’t give me the purpose I longed for.
He tricked me and crushed me, and he splintered my spine,
And I wound up a chump getting chewed out by Randy.
How could I know glory soon would be mine?

Here's to the Island. Here’s to amazement.
Here’s to enjoying just jubilee.
Here's to embracing deferred destiny.
Here's to the Island and me.

Now, as I stand with my face to the rain,
I see my life led me straight to that plane.
Oh, I was in bondage, but now I am free.
Here’s to the Island and me.

Here's to the Island. Here’s to amazement.
Here’s to enjoying just jubilee.
Here's to embracing deferred destiny.
Here's to the Island and me.
Oh, here’s to the Island and me.

Don't Tell Me What I Can't Do! (I Don't Mind If I Do, Traditional)

"Don't tell me what I can't do!"
- John, Walkabout

If there's one word I associate with LOST's John Locke, it's "destiny," but if there's one phrase, it's "Don't tell me what I can't do!" Here's a song reflecting that, to the tune of the Irish Rovers' I Don't Mind If I Do.

Don’t Tell Me What I Can’t Do!

You asked me to tell you my favorite phrase,
The one I’ll repeat to the end of my days,
The one that’s stuck with me like paper to glue.
It’s the seven words “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man.

My name is John Locke, and a hunter am I.
Some say I’m a farmer, but that is a lie.
When someone suggests it, I give him a clue
When I counter with, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man.

When I was a scrawny teen struggling through school,
My professor said, “Listen, John. Don’t be a fool.
You’re meant for this science camp. Sports aren’t for you.”
But I yelled at him, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man.

I wanted to discover who my long-lost dad was.
They found him but said to me, “Don’t think because
You share the same blood that he’ll care about you.”
But I shouted back, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man.

Well, I met with a woman who thought I was grand,
And I was about to ask her for her hand.
She said, “Drop your dad; he’ll just hurt you anew.”
So I had to cry, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man.

In need of renewal and fully prepared,
I set off for a walkabout, but one of them dared
To say that my wheels were a problem. On cue,
I lashed out with, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man.

Now I’m on the Island and I’ve been reborn.
I'm no longer a loser, no longer forlorn.
If you think of crossing me, let me review:
I will always say, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man.
No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man!

My Old Man's a Conman (My Old Man's a Dustman, Lonnie Donegan)

One thing we're learning on LOST is that John Locke has been manipulated many times throughout his life. But he's also manipulated others, as when he got Sawyer to kill Anthony Cooper for him. John didn't explain a thing to him beforehand. If he had, I imagine his explanation would have gone something like this, to the tune of Lonnie Donegan's My Old Man's a Dustman, as performed by the Irish Rovers. (Somehow I mixed up the last two verses when I wrote this; I guess the fourth verse always seemed more like a conclusion to me than the fifth. And I like the ending I've got, so the last two don't quite match up with the recording...)

My Old Man’s a Conman

Now, here’s a little story of many nasty shocks
That ended with my father arriving in a box.
I come to you now wiser. Richard clued me in.
We have a common rival, James. Let’s see… Where do I begin?

Oh, my old man’s a conman. He went by Sawyer too.
Can’t bring myself to kill him, so I'll just leave it up to you.
You’re capable of murder and you’ve searched for him so long.
Fulfilling your oath would help us both. Tell me, how could that be wrong?

When he and I first met, James, he led me to believe
He wanted to befriend me, but I was just naïve.
I gladly gave my kidney, for it seemed like destiny.
But when I went to see him next, he wouldn’t talk to me!

Oh, my old man’s a conman. He went by Sawyer too.
Can’t bring myself to kill him, so I'll just leave it up to you.

Now, though he had betrayed me, I mourned him when he died,
But then I spotted a parked car, and there he was inside.
He told me that he’d wronged me, and he almost seemed sincere -
Till he used me yet again! The outcome was severe.

Oh, my old man’s a conman. He went by Sawyer too.
Can’t bring myself to kill him, so I'll just leave it up to you.

I found some dirt on him one day and told him what I knew.
He said that my suspicions were unfounded and untrue.
I stood there by the window and almost bought his line -
(spoken) Then, James, he pushed me out, shattering my spine!

My old man’s a conman. He went by Sawyer too.
Can’t bring myself to kill him, so I'll just leave it up to you.

Now, my old man’s a conman who, one time long ago,
Seduced a lovely lady, James, and he took her husband’s dough.
(spoken) That fella was your dad.
He learned about the con
And shot his wife and shot himself and…
(spoken) James, need I go on?

Oh, my old man’s a conman. He went by Sawyer too.
Can’t bring myself to kill him, so I'll just leave it up to you.
It’s thanks to this same conman your life has been oh so sad.
So, sure as my name’s John, then, you’re meant to kill my dad!

The Summons (The Island, Paul Brady)

LOST made us wait a very long time to meet Jacob, the mysterious entity whose existence has been hinted at since season two. He finally turned up in the season five finale, in a manner that managed to only increase his mystique, even though he appeared in a very down-to-earth manner. There's still so much left to learn about Jacob that I was hesitant to try to write anything from his perspective, but I decided to just work with what I think I know so far. This is the way I see Jacob now; hopefully that won't be completely turned on its head by the end of the season. The tune is Paul Brady's The Island, as sung by Celtic Thunder's Keith Harkin. With a title like that, I knew I'd have to get around to it sometime...

The Summons

Katie, you’re on the run for theft and murder.
You have a Marshal closing in on you.
It seems you just can’t stay away from trouble
Although I very nicely asked you to.
And James, your life’s defined by vengeance
And you’ve become the thing you hated most.
I know there’s so much more to both of you, though.

So get a ticket, you two.
I’ve found a flight that you can come on.
It’s Oceanic 815.
And once you get here, you will be at your best.
It’s a tiring test,
But worth it.

I’m gonna bring you to the Island.
I’ve brought many here before.
But something tells me, when it’s all said and done,
You’re the ones who will prove me the victor.

Now, Jack and John, you both have father issues.
One is demanding; one is simply cruel.
And they have shaped you into stubborn people,
Each one determined not to look a fool.
Jack, you are so adept at helping,
You don’t know how to ask for help yourself.
And John, you will not accept your limitations.

Just get a ticket, you two.
‘Cause I’ve found a flight that you can come on.
It’s Oceanic 815.
And once you get here, you will be at your best.
It’s a tiring test,
But worth it.

I’m gonna bring you to the Island.
I’ve brought many here before.
But something tells me, when it’s all said and done,
You’re the ones who will prove me the victor.

Hugo, I’m aware that you’ve been feeling worthless,
And you think your luck and sanity ran out.
And I know it’s hard to have a sense of purpose
While drowning in a flood of guilt and doubt.
You need to understand the truth now, Hugo.
Your kindness blesses everyone you meet.
And soon you’ll come to see that you are special.
Special.
Special...

Why Did You Shoot Me? (Why Don't You Write Me?, Paul Simon)

I'd say John has a pretty good reason to be ticked off with Ben. Here's a little rant to the tune of Why Don't You Write Me?

Why Did You Shoot Me?

Why did you shoot me
Way deep in the jungle
Because I could hear him?
Why did you think that your power would shrink
With me near him?
Ben Linus,
Why did you shoot?

Ben, what went wrong?
Once I thought I was your buddy.
You double-crossed me, and now I am lost
And all bloody.

Tell me why! (Why, why?)
Tell me why! (Why, why?)

Why did you shoot me?
You tried to recruit me,
And I would have joined you.
Now there's no way
Since you're spurning fair play.
I'm annoyed by you,
Ben Linus...

Do you feel remorse for what you've done?
Sending your guys to kidnap Kate and Sun.
Making Michael kill those girls.
Taking Cooper for a ride
So I'd be a party to patricide.
Ben, you ought to be
Investing in some major psychotherapy.
Why did you shoot me?
Why did you shoot me?
Why did you shoot me?
Why did you shoot me?
Why did you shoot me?
Why did you shoot me?
Why did you shoot me?

I'm Lost Without...

This past Christmas, I received a shirt that reads "I'M LOST WITHOUT CHARLIE". Turns out it was prophetic, since Charlie's run on the show actually ended with the conclusion of the third season. He's one of my four absolutely favorite characters. Luckily, the other three remain, but meanwhile other folks have been getting whacked left and right. It troubles me. Hence, this little rant...

I'm Lost Without...

I'm lost without Charlie, musician and hero.
I'm lost without Shannon and Boone.
I'm lost without Eko, whose death by Old Smokey
Seemed random and happened too soon.

I'm lost without gun-toting Ana Lucia.
I'm lost without Nikki the ditz.
I'm lost without Paolo, Joanna and Leslie,
Who got himself blown into bits.

I'm lost without Libby, collateral damage
And Hurley's best shot at romance.
I'm lost without dangerous Bonnie and Greta,
Who never had much of a chance.

I'm lost without Ryan, Colleen and Naomi.
I'm lost without Donald and Scott.
I'm lost without Roger and Kelvin, the putzes
Whose passing propelled the whole plot.

I'm lost without Danny, irascible hothead.
I'm lost without friendly foe Tom.
I'm lost without Goodwin, that overgrown boy scout.
I'm lost without vile Ethan Rom.

I'm lost without Edward, the dude with the shrapnel.
I'm lost without Cooper and Klugh.
I'm lost without Pilot-Whose-Name-Wasn't-Mentioned
And maybe without Mikhail too.

O Damon and Carlton, desist with the slaughter!
Have mercy! Consider the cost
Of killing each character I've come to love, lest
At last I am lost without LOST!

John the Baptized

One of my all-time favorite John Locke moments on LOST comes very early on, when a large cloudburst catches him and he stands grinning up at the sky, the very epitome of joy. More than anyone we meet in season one, there's a sense that John is supposed to be on this island and that he has been healed so that he might fulfill some grand purpose there. Though this obsession with destiny has led John into some pretty dubious decisions, I still think there's something to it, and I love the feeling of rebirth encapsulated in this scene.

John the Baptized

The looming rain clouds open and spill their drops upon
The man whose face is turned up toward the sky.
The splendor of existence alights once more on John.
A miracle has touched him. Who knows why?

John doesn’t understand it, but, certain he is meant
For dauntless deeds and visceral delight,
He grins in exultation. He’s more than just content;
He’s vindicated, gratified and right.

His life is one of purpose, no matter what his boss
And savage, scheming father had to say.
Now, looking back, he wonders if he sustained the loss
Of movement for the glory of this day.

The blessed restoration has heightened every sense.
Oh, what exhilaration just to feel!
The water rolling off him takes with it every tense
Emotion, every ragged plea to heal.

A falling sunlit droplet becomes a tiny prism;
A rainbow, shimmering, comes into view,
The sealing of a promise that comes with this baptism,
That life abundant has begun anew.

Goodbye Mr. Clean (Candle in the Wind, Elton John / Bernie Taupin)

I've been thinking a lot about The Brig, the most recent episode of LOST. I don't know if I'm happy with how it played out or not. I guess it's a sort of grim satisfaction; I don't condone revenge, but Anthony Cooper ruined Locke and Sawyer's lives, not to mention many others, and it certainly doesn't seem safe to let him go roaming around the island. It was an intense episode as two of my favorite characters struggled to face their demons. The ending seemed inevitable but not anything to celebrate.

This parody, to the tune of Candle in the Wind, is sort of a sequel to my first Sawyer soliloquy, which had him griping at Locke (who I call Mr. Clean again, even though he only used that name once; I just get such a kick out of it...). Now, Locke has managed to help him cast off the shackles of yesterday, though it was as much for Locke's benefit as Sawyer's, and it meant getting more blood on Sawyer's hands. He was so traumatized by the misery of killing an innocent man that he can no longer get any real pleasure from killing his intended target. On some level, I think he's grateful to Locke because he doesn't have this hanging over his head anymore; on the other hand, he feels used, and he's discovered he's really not cut out to be a killer.

I've always compared Sawyer to Inigo Montoya, and pop cultural dynamo that he is, I wouldn't be at all surprised if the comparison occurred to him too. Sawyer's dedicated decades to hunting down the man who destroyed his life. I love Inigo, but I can't help but wonder what happens to him after his revenge is accomplished. So much of his life was focused on that goal, will he know what to do with himself now that it's out of the way? Same with Sawyer. Is his life just about payback, or can he finally move on now and start fresh?

Goodbye Mr. Clean

Goodbye Mr. Clean.
Guess you're not so great after all.
You couldn't face that troll yourself.
You made me take the fall.
Don't think because you couldn't
Lay a finger on your old man,
That somehow makes you better.
You just used me for your plan.

And it seems to me you love to lie
Like your bug-eyed buddy Ben,
Trickin' me into this thing to
Feel secure again.
Well, your deadbeat dad disowned you,
And since I was a kid,
I dreamed of settling the score,
But I hate what I did.

Is his death enough,
Enough to make the nightmares fade?
What if he was right about where we are?
Was this a mistake we made?
It's your fault that he died.
He deserved it, yeah, that's true,
But my pain won't go away.
I have more blood on my hands thanks to you.

And it seems to me you love to lie
Like your bug-eyed buddy Ben,
Trickin' me into this thing to
Feel secure again.
Well, your deadbeat dad disowned you,
And since I was a kid,
I dreamed of settling the score,
But I hate what I did.

Goodbye Mr. Clean.
Guess you're not so great after all.
You couldn't face that troll yourself.
You made me take the fall.
Goodbye Mr. Clean,
From the man who lost his parents long ago,
Who needed some closure but wants to be more
Than a vengeance-driven Inigo.

And it seems to me you love to lie
Like your bug-eyed buddy Ben,
Trickin' me into this thing to
Feel secure again.
Well, your deadbeat dad disowned you,
And since I was a kid,
I dreamed of settling the score,
But I hate what I did.

I dreamed of settling the score,
But I hate what I did.

Candle in the Wind

Quit Callin' Me James (Sweet Baby James, James Taylor)

Back when I started watching LOST, Sawyer immediately emerged as the apparent antagonist. It seemed Abrams and the gang were gearing us up for a Lord of the Flies-style showdown between Jack and Sawyer. But I wasn't buying it. I just knew there had to be more to Sawyer than met the eye, so I was gratified that it didn't take long at all for him to emerge as a sympathetic character boasting a number of surprising traits, among them his linguistic cleverness and tendency to be a bookworm. He became so likable, in fact, that a recent poll asking fans their favorite male character showed Sawyer way out in front with twice as many votes as any of the other fellas. I won't go that far, but I like Sawyer. I think he's a really good guy despite his best attempts to convince us otherwise.

He reminds me a lot of Han Solo. There's the fact that two of the nicknames he gives out are not only Star Wars related, but close personal associates of Han, but beyond that there is just his whole self-centered, cynical persona that gradually melts into consideration and heroism as the saga wears on, largely due to Kate. On that score, their last scene together in the fall finale gave me a major flashback to the Empire Strikes Back carbonite deep-freeze scene that unsettled me so greatly as a youngster. I don't know whether that sense of deja vu was intended; I do know that I like it but will begin to severely question the writers' creativity should Jack suddenly turn out to be Kate's long-lost brother.

Anyway, this parody is another that has to do with pseudonyms. I love Locke, but he's a bit of a busybody, albeit well-intentioned. Landing upon this island has allowed him to embrace his true nature, and he wants everyone else to throw off the ugliness that built up in their lives up to the point of the crash, to start off with a clean slate. Of all the characters, he seems to have the least interaction with Sawyer. I don't think this is an accident; Sawyer does not want to be mentored, and I would think he would find it very irritating that Locke insists upon calling him by his birth name rather than the moniker he deliberately appropriated for himself. So this is the protest I imagine Sawyer launching.

Though I didn't really think about it at the time, I like the fact that I settled on a lullaby - Sweet Baby James - for this parody, since in some sense it is indicative of the fact that Sawyer's bark is usually worse than his bite...

Quit Callin' Me James

I live like an outlaw. That's not gonna change.
I won't save the day like a Samwise or d'Artagnan.
I'm bound to betray all of my closest companions.
With what I've been through... well, that shouldn't seem strange.

So don't act surprised that you've found I'm a liar.
My crimes are as big as these glasses I wear.
And some fresh horizon won't spark a desire
To start acting selfless. See, I just don't care.
But just in case you're not aware...

How can a guy be shady
With Mr. Clean calling 'im James?
I have no use for this kind of abuse,
Though I'm eager to dole out nicknames.
I'm Sawyer; quit callin' me James!

I don't wanna remember that night long ago
When my life was ruined. From then on, I've figgered
What to do when I'm cornered is just make my cons bigger.
Can't leave that behind me; I'm just warmin' up, you know.

There's a con that I pulled to grab hold of a fortune,
A con that I pulled on a gal who loved me,
A con that I pulled for the guns... Oh, I'm sure
Freckles may have a secret or two up her sleeve,
But she ain't got nothin' on me.

But how can a guy be shady
With Mr. Clean calling 'im James?
I have no use for this kind of abuse,
Though I'm eager to dole out nicknames.
I'm Sawyer; quit callin' me James!

Sweet Baby James

I Am John Locke (I Am a Rock, Paul Simon)

I'm getting caught up on the second season of LOST now so I can finally eventually watch current episodes... Though I'm getting so spoiled by shows on DVD it's going to be annoying wading through those commercials again! But here is a parody about John Locke, who's been one of my favorite characters on the show from the beginning, to the tune of I Am a Rock.


I Am John Locke

We're castaways,
But in truth, I can't remember
When I have known
Such a sense of purpose. I'm on hallowed ground.
I'll fight to keep the freedom I have found.
I am John Locke. I love this island!

I was called
A poor old fool - not rightly.
My own dad showed me hate.
But now I'm bravely seeking monsters in the rain.
I have become impervious to pain.
I am John Locke. I love this island!

My life's been tough.
While I had no worth before,
I'm meeting with my destiny.
When that plane hit the water, I thought that I was dead;
I have finally begun to live instead.
I am John Locke. I love this island!

I hike and cook,
And my box of knives will protect me.
I'm a hunter, not a farmer.
I just killed a boar. Soon I'll kill some more.
There's no one more equipped for this than me.
I am John Locke. I love this island!

Yes, John Locke is my name,
And this island's just my size.

The Castaways' Rhapsody (Bohemian Rhapsody, Freddie Mercury)

This morning, I mentioned to my brother Nathan that I wanted to write a song about LOST but hadn't yet settled on an appropriate song, having rejected Gilligan's Island as too obvious and subsequently used it for another parody. "Bohemian Rhapsody!" he exclaimed. And I must applaud him, because it was an inspired suggestion, and one I might not have thought of by myself. What follows is a mass of festering schizophrenia, but I hope you will find it as fun to read as I found it to write. The names in bold are to indicate the speakers; just imagine a massive music video containing every member of the principal cast and then some...

The Castaways' Rhapsody

Castaways: Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Who knew that plane ride
Would conclude in calamity?
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see...
Boone: I'd be a hero, but Jack will not let me
Because he's sure that he's in the know.
Hurley: I'm getting vertigo.
Why'd I have to win the -
Boone: Nothing I do matters...
Hurley: - dumb lottery?

Kate: Sawyer, I killed a man.
Now the one I love is dead.
I wish it was me instead.
Sun and Jin: We are both Korean and
We cannot understand a thing you say.
Michael: Walter, ooooh, didn't mean to make you cry.
You bum me out because you didn't miss me.
Walt: Vincent's gone, Vincent's gone,
And my dad keeps getting madder.

Charlie: I hate that my drugs are gone.
Jack: I know that I'm a hunk
And I think that Boone is bunk.
Claire: I am really pregnant. This baby is
Gonna finally pop out of me any day.
Sawyer: Freckles, oooooh, (Sun: I wonder if Jin knows?) caught you in a lie,
But I will keep your secret if you just kiss me.

Hurley: I know the numbers on that map are evil, man.
Danielle: I'm uncouth! I'm uncouth!
And I killed my whole gang.
Sayid: Oh, look, electric lighting!
This woman is frightening me...
Sawyer: We can't stay.
Kate: No, we should stay.
Jin: No, we can't stay.
Locke: No, we should stay.
Michael: No, we can't stay.
Walt: No, we should stay - wait, better go...

Locke: I'm just an old guy. Nobody trusts me.
Everyone Else: He's just a man whose dad stole his kidney.
Sawyer: I shot a bear but they still yell at me.
Sayid: Crazy French lady, oh, will you let me go?
Pilot: The monster! No!
Felled Boar: I ran a bit too slow.
Jin: Let me go!
Kate: The monster!
Vincent: Where did that Walt kid go?
Charlie: Let her go!
Shannon: The monster!
Polar Bear: I ought to find some snow...
Claire: Let him go!
The Others: That kid's ours, you know.
Walt: Let me go!
Perplexed (But Enthusiastic) Viewers: What a crazy show!
The Island: They should go...
Enthusiastic (But Perplexed) Viewers: No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
Michael: Oh, there must be a -
Jin: There must be a -
Michael and Jin: - way to get off if we row.
Charlie: I'm in Drive Shaft, and You All Everybody was such a hit for me!

Marshal: So you think you're a hero and have a good eye?
So nice of you to shoot me and leave me to die!
Shannon: I'm lazy
And my step-brother's crazy.
Michael, Jin and Sawyer: Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here.

Michael, Jin and Sawyer: This raft's kind of tattered.
Hope it's sea-worthy.
Castaways: Our lives have been shattered.
Fulfilled Viewers: But you make us gladder
Each week...

Everyone: Hear the ocean wind blow...