This Daniel's Plan (Mr. Bojangles, Jerry Jeff Walker)

Daniel: Hey there. Are you Jack?
Jack: Yeah, I'm Jack. Who are you?
Daniel: I'm Daniel Faraday. I'm here to rescue you.
- Confirmed Dead

Daniel Faraday is just about as confusing to Jack as he is to Frank.  Here's Jack trying to figure Daniel out to the tune of the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band's Mr. Bojangles.

This Daniel’s Plan

I met a man named Daniel in the pouring rain,
Perplexed and wet
With shaggy hair, a skinny tie and shaky hands.
A friend or threat?
I wondered why, I wondered why
His eyes were darting around.

He landed in the jungle, and he knew my name:
“Are you Jack?”
I heard the words but barely dared to dream
We were heading back.
Back to our lives, back to our lives.
But we couldn’t go just yet.

I soon began to think that Daniel had us tricked.
He said so, too.
I got depressed when he confessed that he’d told a lie:
“I’m here to rescue you.”
But still he was kind, soft-spoken and kind,
And he seemed glad we were found.

Who is this Daniel?  Who is this Daniel?
What is this Daniel’s plan?

Now, I suppose what Daniel knows is far beyond
The normal scope.
I gotta thank that pilot Frank, ‘cause he tipped me off.
I’m not a dope,
So it hurts my pride, it hurts my pride
Thinkin’ that he’s too smart for me.

But Faraday’s gonna find a way to let us leave
Although he lied.
I don’t know what he’s here for, but I do believe
That he is on our side.
What’s in his head?  Don’t know what’s in his head,
But I trust his expertise.  He’s...

Different, this Daniel.  Dizzy ol’ Daniel.
What is this Daniel’s plan?

Mr. Bojangles

Seth (Beth, Peter Criss / Stan Penridge)

"Look, I'm staring at the television right now, you're broadcasting footage of the wreckage and saying that that's the pilot Seth Norris...  Well, that's not him."
- Frank, Confirmed Dead

Seth Norris is another character we never got to know very well, but Frank Lapidus did.  This song goes hand-in-hand with Careful Flyin' but deals more directly with Frank's guilt that his friend (and his wife) had to pay for his oversleeping.  Here's Frank to the tune of KISS's Beth.  (I actually prefer the GLEE version, and since it's lyrically the same as the original, I linked their cover.  Though the original is very nice too.)

Seth

Seth, I gotta call in,
‘Cause although they claim you drowned,
Some of the stuff I’m seein’
Makes me doubt what they have found.

I sit up for hours
Wonderin’ what became of you.
I picture that plane fallin’.
Oh, Seth, what did I do?
Seth, what did I do?

I’m sure your house feels empty
Since you left your wife alone.
I only blame myself,
‘Cause you never should have flown.

I sit up for hours
Wonderin’ what became of you.
I picture that plane fallin’.
Oh, Seth, what did I do?
Seth, what did I do?

Seth, I know she’s lonely,
And this footage isn’t right.
You must’ve been wearin’ your ring on that flight.
That flight...

I'll Fly Those Fellas Home (The Boys Come Rollin' Home, Tommy Sands)

"Here we go, Frank.  Come on.  Come on...  Amen."
- Frank, The End

Another Frank song.  I had presumed him dead ever since The Candidate, so I was thrilled to see him turn up alive after all, and then wind up one of the big heroes of the finale.  Here's Frank to the tune of the Irish Rovers' The Boys Come Rollin' Home.

I’ll Fly Those Fellas Home

I always will remember well the strange September day
Norris flew 815 out of Sydney.
I gotta get my rest, but oversleeping doesn‘t pay,
‘Cause poor Seth, he didn’t do so great, now did he?

But I’ll get through this.  I’ll do this.  I braved the salty foam.
With some spunk and with a prayer, I will get ‘er in the air,
And I’ll fly those fellas home.

I made it to the freighter with a madman and his friend.
My chopper didn’t crash in stormy weather.
I got us off the Island and I lost the beard and then
I brought Jack and all his buddies back together.

So I’ll get through this.  I’ll do this.  I braved the salty foam.
With some spunk and with a prayer, I will get ‘er in the air,
And I’ll fly those fellas home.

Now Miles has got his duct tape, and Ricky’s by his side,
And Ben is somewhere with his walkie-talkie.
I see the Island crumblin’, and it‘s lookin’ like we‘re fried,
But it‘s tiger time; I kinda feel like Rocky!

So I’ll get through this.  I’ll do this.  I braved the salty foam.
With some spunk and with a prayer, I will get ‘er in the air,
And I’ll fly those fellas home.

We're goin’ down the runway now, and a few folks showed up late.
I wonder, is it fun to see me stressing?
But in they go, with buckles on, so Sawyer, Claire and Kate
Are part of 316 and share the blessing.

Yeah, I’ll get through this.  I’ll do this.  I braved the salty foam.
With some spunk and with a prayer, I will get ‘er in the air,
And I’ll fly those fellas home.

Yeah, I’ll get through this.  I’ll do this.  I braved the salty foam.
With some spunk and with a prayer, I will get ‘er in the air,
And I’ll fly those fellas home.

Yeah, I’ll fly those fellas home!

The Boys Come Rollin' Home

The Ballad of Frank Lapidus (Pecos Bill, Eliot Daniel / Johnny Lange)

I was bummed out that Frank Lapidus was booted so ingloriously from the show, without so much as a sad word from Hurley afterward. I've always regarded Frank Lapidus as having a bit of a folk hero quality about him, so I couldn't resist memorializing him to the tune of that rollicking ode to Pecos Bill introduced to me by the Disney cowboy album Pardners.  (Post-finale note: Frank survived!  Yay!  But I figure a folk hero usually has wildly different accounts of his life, so I'll let this stand...)

The Ballad of Frank Lapidus

Well, Frank Lapidus was a pilot with a passion.
With precision, he prevented accidents.
He never crumbled in a panic when he flew for Oceanic,
Thanks to stellar skills and simple common sense.

So hip-hip-hooray, hooray! What a great guy-uy-uy.
Yeah, that Frank Lapidus really knew how to fly.
Hip-hip-hooray, hooray! What a great guy-uy-uy.
Yeah, that Frank Lapidus really knew how to fly.

Charlotte, Dan and Miles hopped in a helicopter,
And the chopper, it was piloted by Frank,
So in that bit of the Pacific, though the weather was horrific,
They all made it out, and he’s the one to thank.

So hip-hip-hooray, hooray! What a great guy-uy-uy.
Yeah, that Frank Lapidus really knew how to fly.
Hip-hip-hooray, hooray! What a great guy-uy-uy.
Yeah, that Frank Lapidus really knew how to fly.

Well, he flew Jack and his buddies off the Island -
And then three years later, flew them back again.
He shrewdly showed that he could steer a massive airplane from Ajira
To the landing strip that was engineered by Ben.

So hip-hip-hooray, hooray! What a great guy-uy-uy.
Yeah, that Frank Lapidus really knew how to fly.
I said, hip-hip-hooray, hooray! What a great guy-uy-uy.
Yeah, that Frank Lapidus really knew how to fly.

After hijacking a sub along with Sawyer,
Frank Lapidus heard a devastating boom.
It was a prelude to his dyin‘, but at least he went out flyin’
When the door sent him a-soarin’ ‘cross the room.

So hip-hip-hooray, hooray! What a great guy-uy-uy.
Yeah, that Frank Lapidus really knew how to fly.
I said, hip-hip-hooray, hooray! What a great guy-uy-uy.
Yeah, that Frank Lapidus really knew how to fly.

Pecos Bill

The End (American Pie, Don McLean)

Working through my feelings on the end of LOST a couple weeks ahead of time. Darlton, are you listening?

The End (A LOSTie’s Salute)

A long, long time ago,
Back when television was an idle, passionless routine,
An epic promo stopped me cold.
It seemed like cinematic gold
Created for a more convenient screen.
A fiery crash, a pressing query,
A score that sounded more than eerie.
I embraced this new show,
This fresh Robinson Crusoe,
This stunning tale of tattered lives.
Even if I’m pleased with who survives,
It’s sure to cut like John Locke’s knives
The day The End arrives.

A dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Do you know I came to love
All the folks who fell from far above
In September of ‘04?
And I soon made room inside my soul
For one crazed Scotsman in a hole
And Ben, who isn’t Henry anymore.
I’ve envisioned Richard as a sage
Since I noticed that he doesn’t age.
Fantastic Frank’s a find,
And I dig dear dizzy Dan's mind.
I sympathized with Dogen’s tragic case,
And Ilana touched me with her quiet grace.
I just don’t see how I can face
The day The End arrives.

I guarantee a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Now for six years, it’s been on the air.
No other series can quite compare
In terms of sheer complexity.
Every episode hides a crucial clue.
Stranger in a Strange Land matters too,
Though tattoos are not exactly key.
Who’d’ve thought that run-down DHARMA van
Would fuel a hero’s rescue plan?
Who knew the code equates
To Jacob’s Candidates?
You’ve dropped crumbs along the twisted trail.
What tiny Season One detail
Will clinch who wins and who will fail
The day The End arrives?

I’m convinced a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Faith and reason, loyalty and treason,
Enigmas deepening every season.
Cuselof, I tip my hat.
The polar bears, Hurley bird
And ancient monster are so absurd;
I appreciate it all the more for that.
There’s a four-toed statue on the beach.
When wet Walt spouted garbled speech
And Jacob’s cabin shook,
I had to take another look.
How do pylons form a Smokey shield
And why are Temple bathers healed?
What mysteries will be revealed
The day The End arrives?

I guarantee a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Now all those phrases are in my head,
Like “Are you him?” and “Dead is dead”
And “Live together, die alone.”
“Don’t mistake a coincidence for fate!”
And Jack’s cry, “We have to go back, Kate!”
By leaps and bounds, the lexicon has grown.
It’s always a hoot to spout the names
So snarkily assigned by James.
Though “Jabba’s” kinda mean,
I’m keen on “Mr. Clean”.
All the allusions make me feel obtuse.
How many more will you produce?
My library card will get some use
The day The End arrives.

I’m convinced a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

I said farewell to Jin and Sun.
Sadly, Charlie’s rock star days are done -
In this dimension, anyway.
Scott and Eko had violent deaths,
And I always will remember Seth’s,
Since you deigned to turn the pilot into prey.
From fatal falls and time disease
To filicide (curse you, Eloise!),
You’ve shown a special talent
For killing off the gallant.
Michael wound up a remorseful ghost.
Sayid repented and then was toast.
I wonder who I’ll miss the most
The day The End arrives.

I guarantee a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

I’m convinced a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Choice in an Underwater Cell (Poem on an Underground Wall, Paul Simon)

The Candidate is one of the most devastating episodes LOST has ever offered, yet amidst the shock and horror of the deaths that swiftly followed each other late in the episode, I felt uplifted by Sayid's decision to go out in a literal blaze of sacrificial glory.  Here's a reflection on that to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's A Poem on an Underground Wall.  (The song itself starts at about 2:30, but if you've never heard Art's colorful introductory anecdote, it's well worth a listen.)

Choice in an Underwater Cell

The timer is running out,
A consequence of Sawyer’s doubt.
There‘s no time now for hesitation.
Sayid knows his friends‘ salvation
Depends upon his actions.

His tragic eyes, lit at last,
Return to Jack before the blast.
He divulges Smokey’s secret:
What it is, and how to seek it
When they return to dry land.

He grabs the bulky bomb and bolts
While others brace for jarring jolts.
So strong, courageous, clever, swift,
He’s experienced such a shift
Since he spoke to Desmond!

And he runs on defiantly,
Declaring his liberty
From his would-be master’s tyranny
In the hope his selfless bravery
Spares his cornered friends.

As far away from them he dashes,
The hall’s engulfed in flame and ashes.
This time he will not be rising,
But deep within the sub there lies
A true hero.

All around him, crashing, screaming, crying.
The captain‘s dead, the Kwons are dying.
Frank has flown his final flight,
But still Sayid has chosen right
By casting off the darkness
To embrace redeeming light.

Where Did the Island Go? (Crying, Roy Orbison / Joe Melson)

"Where's the island? Where's the island?!"- Frank, There's No Place Like Home, Part 3

When you're planning to set down your helicopter, it's very inconvenient for the nearest land mass to suddenly disappear... Here's a season four finale LOST reflection from Frank to the tune of Roy Orbison's Crying.

Where Did the Island Go?

I got the fuel for this trip.
Left the ship for this trip.
But I feel like a fool.
Hey, Jack, this isn’t cool,
‘Cause we saw the freighter blow.
As the Island neared, it disappeared.

I should be flyin' over it, flyin' over it.
Does anyone know
Where it’s hiding? Where’d it go?
Can’t go on flyin', flyin', flyin', flyin'.
It’s hard to understand why I can’t see dry land
When I am flyin'.

No way to fly with no more fuel.
That’s a cardinal rule.
I wish we all had fins, ‘cause we’re goin’ in.
The laws of physics are cruel.
It’s a mystery, ‘cause we ought to be
Flyin' over it, flyin' over it.

That Island’s gone, so get your life vests on.
No more flyin', flyin', flyin', flyin'.
No flyin', flyin'.
Where did the Island go?

Who'll Fly the Plane (Who'll Stop the Rain, John Fogerty)

"Even if we could get on that plane, who's gonna fly it?"
- Kate, Recon


Sawyer's been laying low and plotting throughout much of the sixth season. Kate's not so sure she's on board with his plans. Here's an elongated version of her objections to him at the end of Recon, to the tune of Creedence Clearwater Revival's Who'll Stop the Rain.

Who’ll Fly the Plane

Look, I don’t remember just how the plane went down.
Wasn’t still on board when it must’ve hit the ground.
Don’t know what’s become of Frank and Ben and Sun.
So I wonder, still I wonder, who’ll fly the plane.

What did you discover when you went off to explore?
Did you learn what Widmore’s on Hydra Island for?
Your approach seems risky, possibly in vain.
Yes, I wonder, still I wonder, who’ll fly the plane.

Not so hot on stayin’, but when we get there,
How do we win over Jin and crazy Claire?
Where are Jack and Hurley? Will we strand them here?
And I wonder, still I wonder, who’ll fly the plane.

John Locke's Body (John Brown's Body, Traditional)

"I don't understand. If this is Locke... who's in there?" 
- Sun, The Incident


John Locke has suffered a great many indignities on LOST, not the least of which involves his imitation by a nefarious entity. Here's a ditty to the tune of Pete Seeger's version of John Brown's Body in which various folks outside contemplate the mystery before them. In the last verse, "John Locke" confronts Jacob and offers an answer.

John Locke’s Body

Sun: John Locke’s body lies a-sprawlin’ in the sand.
John Locke’s body lies a-sprawlin’ in the sand.
John Locke’s body lies a-sprawlin’ in the sand.
So who’s in there with Ben?

Ilana: In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
Will evil rise again?

Frank: They knocked me out and brought me with the dead guy in the box.
They knocked me out and brought me with the dead guy in the box.
They knocked me out and brought me with the dead guy in the box.
So who’s in there with Ben?

Ilana: In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
Will evil rise again?

Richard: When John walked into camp, he seemed a little off to me,
But I had waited fifty years to follow his decree,
And so I overlooked the artificiality.
So who’s in there with Ben?

Ilana: In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
Will evil rise again?

Bram: Well, that crate was really heavy, and we carried it all day.
That crate was really heavy, and we carried it all day.
That crate was really heavy, and we carried it all day.
So who’s in there with Ben?

Ilana: In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
Will evil rise again?

Smokey: Remember when I told you that I’d find a loophole, friend?
Since the two of us showed up here, you must know what we intend.
Forget your talk of progress; now at last we’re at the end.
It’s me in here with Ben.

Ilana: In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
In the shadow of the Statue,
Will evil rise again?

Careful Flyin' (Carefree Highway, Gordon Lightfoot)

"Doesn't matter who I am, you're showing footage of Seth Norris and that's not him, listen, this guy married his high school sweetheart at nineteen, he always wore his wedding ring and I'm telling you there's no ring on that body."
- Frank, Confirmed Dead

Frank Lapidus is a guy who prides himself on a job well done. His obsession over the fate of Flight 815 suggests that he has a guilty conscience and probably believes that if he'd been at the controls, the plane wouldn't have crashed. Here's a little reflection by him, circa Confirmed Dead, to the tune of Gordon Lightfoot's Carefree Highway.

Careful Flyin’

Slept through my alarm clock on the September day
That Oceanic 815 went down.
Now every night, I see that flight and how it went astray.
This is the conclusion I have drawn:

Careful flyin’s what I pride myself upon -
Careful flyin’ through a hostile sky -
And with my expertise, I’d’ve handled ‘er with ease.
Careful flyin’s what I pride myself, pride myself upon.

Starin’ through the static at the scene on the screen,
I think the sunken wreck looks pretty grim.
But they’re showin’ me Seth Norris, who got married at nineteen.
So where’s his ring? I’ll go out on a limb:

Someone’s lyin’. I guarantee ya that ain’t him.
Someone’s lyin’, and I wonder why.
Whatever’s in that Trench has a rotten sort of stench.
Someone’s lyin’. Do ya understand? Listen, that ain’t him.

Sick of feelin’ bad that if I’d been on my toes,
I could’ve flown ’em safe into the dawn.
To lift that weight, I’ll concentrate on tryin’ to expose
Just exactly where Flight 815 has gone.

Careful flyin’s what I pride myself upon -
Careful flyin’ through a hostile sky -
And with my expertise, I’d’ve handled ‘er with ease.
Careful flyin’s what I pride myself, pride myself upon.
What I pride myself upon.

Someone’s lyin’. Guarantee ya that ain’t him.
Someone’s lyin’, and I wonder why.
Whatever’s in that Trench has a rotten sort of stench.
Someone’s lyin’. Ya understand? Listen, that ain’t him.

Way Over (Overs, Paul Simon)

"Half the stuff he says goes way over my head; the other half goes way, way over." - Frank, The Economist

Frank Lapidus is appropriately named, because he's always a straight shooter, and in season four's The Economist, he's certainly not too proud to admit to Jack that he and Daniel aren't exactly operating on the same wavelength. Here's a little reflection to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's Overs.

Way Over

Frank: Don’t ask me, “What’s Faraday’s deal?”
He goes way over, over, over
My head, Jack.
I’ve said, Jack,
That regular guys simply can’t keep track
Of the crazy things he has in his noggin.

It’s clear to me that he’s smart.
He makes me nervous, he’s so jittery.
Although you just met him yesterday,
You can see his mind’s always far away.
And I’ve got no clue what he has in his pack.

Daniel: Pack the bearings that I gave you.
Frank, I know they’ll save you.
Better be prepared for
Nasty weather…

Frank: I don’t get Faraday.
But I am glad that we’re stuck with him.
Without his expertise, I don’t know what we’d do.
And yet, at the same time, I don’t mind tellin’ you
The stuff
He tells me goes way over.

Overs

Please Kill the Girl (We Kill the World, Frank Farian / Giorgio & Giusela Sgarbi)

One of my favorite songs growing up was Boney M.'s We Kill the World (Don't Kill the World), an epic Save the Earth song that is both ominous and inspiring. I've been rewatching the early episodes of LOST's fourth season, and when I revisited this song tonight, I thought it might make a good vehicle for Charlotte's ordeal in Confirmed Dead and The Economist.

Mostly, I stick pretty close to the script, I think; the main change is that I imagine Daniel, who I've always thought of as a Man of Faith as well as a Man of Science, praying for her safety from a distance, and I imagine Jacob watching over Daniel and wanting to offer him some reassurance.

Please Kill the Girl (Don’t Kill the Girl)

Ben: (spoken) I see chaos, despair and chaos.
I see mercenaries on the rise.
This girl, this girl…

Coming to destroy.
She may be acting coy,
But she is in the know.
Many years ago,
I kicked her leader out
And now it’s turnabout.

John: We’ll take her hostage
And we’ll get some answers.
This girl, this girl.

Charlotte: What is wrong with you?
What did I ever do
To make you all so mean?
If I hadn’t seen
This with my own two eyes,
I’d not believe it, guys.

John: We’ll take her hostage.
We’ll get some answers.

Ben: If you don’t watch your back,
This girl’s team will attack.

Please kill the girl
(Daniel: Not her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: Not her!)
Ben: She’s one of them, we ought to condemn her.
Please
(Daniel: Protect her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: I love her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: I need her!)
Ben: She’s one of them, we should condemn her.

Sawyer: If this is the fault
Of taller ghostly Walt,
I wonder if we are
Traveling so far
And cooking up a scheme
Because of Baldie's dream.

John: We’ll take her hostage
And we’ll get some answers.

Ben: If you don’t watch your back,
This girl’s team will attack.

Please kill the girl
(Daniel: Not her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: Not her!)
Ben: She’s one of them, we ought to condemn her.
Please
(Daniel: Protect her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: I love her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: I need her!)
Ben: She’s one of them, we should condemn her.

Ben: Please
(Daniel: Protect her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: I love her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: I need her!)
Ben: She’s one of them, we ought to condemn her.
Please kill the girl!

Hurley: Don’t kill the girl.
Do her no harm.
Though we have cause for alarm,
Don’t kill the girl.
Let her take flight.
Hey, we’re the good guys, right?

Claire: Don’t kill the girl.
Though Charlie died
To warn us who was inside
That boat out there,
He’d shake his head
And say to spare her instead.

Daniel: Don’t kill the girl.
I love her so,
Though I’ve not yet let her know.
I’d trade my life
To keep her whole.
I’d trade my very soul.

Sayid: I’ll save the girl.
Miles, please come with me.
Frank: There’s a chopper spot for you if
You set her free.
Jack: Help save the girl,
‘Cause I don’t trust John.
Remember, Kate, whose team you’re on.

Jacob: Daniel, I know that this is hard.
But keep the faith and be brave.
When she returns, you’ll be her guard.
Her life is yours to save.

Hurley: Don’t kill the girl.
Do her no harm.
Though we have cause for alarm,
Don’t kill the girl.
Let her take flight.
Don’t kill the girl,
This girl.

Lapidus (Candida, Tony Orlando)

Frank Lapidus is only a sliver below Daniel when it comes to my favorite characters introduced in the second half of LOST. Candid, caustic, but someone who will really stick his neck out. And I get the feeling that if he'd been piloting Flight 815 as intended, the landing would've been a little smoother. Here's a tribute to him, to the tune of Tony Orlando and Dawn's Candida.

Lapidus

Your landing was clean on the Island grass so green
Where you saw the cow you mentioned to Miles.
Though you barely knew any of the Island crew
You protected them with your wiles.

Oh, Lapidus!
So heroic and harried.
You knew that Seth Norris was married -
That it was a phony site.
Oh, Lapidus!
You have the strength of a cedar,
The noble heart of a leader.
Glad ya flew the second flight.

We freely admit we loved your caustic kind of wit
When you grumbled, “We‘re not goin' to Guam, are we?”.
You think the Island’s weird and you’ll soon grow back your beard,
But Frank, you’re right where we want you to be.

Oh, Lapidus!
So heroic and harried.
You knew that Seth Norris was married -
That it was a phony site.
Oh, Lapidus!
You have the strength of a cedar,
The noble heart of a leader.
Glad ya flew the second flight.

Though you barely knew any of the Island crew
You took a risk and you preserved them with your wiles.

Oh, Frank Lapidus!
So heroic and harried.
You knew that Seth Norris was married -
That it was a phony site.
Oh, Frank Lapidus!
You have the strength of a cedar,
The noble heart of a leader.
Glad ya flew the second flight.

Eulogy... (I'm Sorry, John Denver)

In The Substitute, LOST provided one of my absolute favorite scenes of the series, one that was simultaneously among the saddest, most touching and funniest scenes thus far. I'm talking about John Locke's funeral, and Ben's heartfelt, albeit slightly petulant, eulogy (and Frank's subsequent assessment that probably echoed the thoughts of many viewers). I think that spending a couple of days with Fake Locke made him appreciate Real Locke much more deeply, and realize that Jacob was right all along about his being special. The eulogy takes on an even sweeter edge when you consider the Sideways storyline, especially if you believe as I do that the Flash Sideways are actually Flash Forwards. Here's my take on that tender moment, to the tune of John Denver's I'm Sorry.

Eulogy (by Ben for John at the Weirdest Funeral Frank’s Ever Been To)

Ben: It’s strange to feel this pity,
This sorrow and remorse.
Maybe I will recover from this in due course.
Knowing that you were chosen,
Knowing that I was not,
Knowing that I reacted like a sulky snot.

I’m sorry I was not a true believer.
I’m sorry I manipulated you.
I’m sorry, now that you’re gone,
I was so petty, John.
You were a victim too.

I’m just so lost without you;
I guess I need a foil.
It feels like I’m the one who’s lying steeped in soil.
I dreamed of you dying;
Now the moment’s come.
It seems more like a nightmare, and I’m nearly numb.

I’m sorry I shot you in the jungle.
I’m sorry that I choked you with a cord.
I’m sorry, now that you’re gone,
I was so petty, John.
I wish your life could be restored.

Frank: This is the weirdest funeral I've been to in all my life.
This is the weirdest funeral, I swear.

Ben: I’m sorry, for you were a kindred spirit.
I’m sorry that I brought about your end.
I’m sorry, now that you’re gone,
I was so petty, John.
I should have been your friend.