Bad Month (Bad Day, Daniel Powter)

"You're havin' a bad month." - John to Walt, Pilot, Part 2

"Vincent - I tethered him to a tree just over there. I know that Walt lost his mom. I thought that you should be the one to bring his dog back to him."- John to Michael, Tabula Rasa

For some reason, Michael and Walt are two characters I've neglected somewhat, but I love John's interaction with Walt in the pilot and his facilitation of his reunion with Vincent in Tabula Rasa.  I would imagine that, given how poorly he was parented, he is especially hopeful that Michael will give Walt the kind of love and guidance he himself so sorely needed.

Bad Month

Michael, I know what he’s missing the most,

And would you believe that I found what he lost?

I tethered his Lab up to that tree,

But credit for that won’t go to me.

It should be you who brings his dog.

You feel like your boy’s just a kid you don’t know;

As long as you try, you will learn as you go.

He needs a good dad, and you’ll do fine.

You’ll manage to make up for lost time.

It should be you who brings his dog

‘Cause he’s had a bad month.  He’s gotta feel down,

But he can stay strong since he has you around.

As long as he knows his dad’s on his side,

Your wandering child’s gonna take it in stride.

He’s had a bad month.  He watched his mom die.

Los Angeles bound, he was thrown from the sky.

He’s had a bad month.  He’s had a bad month.

Before he wakes up, just slip away.

Get Vincent and brighten up his day.

It should be you who brings his dog.

He’s had a bad month.  He’s gotta feel down,

But he can stay strong since he has you around.

As long as he knows his dad’s on his side,

Your wandering child’s gonna take it in stride.

He’s had a bad month.  He watched his mom die.

Los Angeles bound, he was thrown from the sky.

He’s had a bad month.  Oh, what a lousy month!

Sadly, a son can struggle and sink

If a parent he trusts is gone.

Before you make it back to L.A.,

He ought to know that you’re the one

He can count on.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So hurry and go, and I swear I won’t boast.

Just you and I

Will know how you found what was hopelessly lost.

‘Cause he’s had a bad month.  He’s gotta feel down,

But he can stay strong since he has you around.

As long as he knows his dad’s on his side,

Your wandering child’s gonna take it in stride.

He’s had a bad month.  He watched his mom die.

He met you and thought, “Who’s this guy?”

He’s had a bad month.  He had a bad month.

Had a bad month.  Had a bad month.  Had a bad month…

We Ain't Done (Day Is Done, Peter Yarrow)

"You and me ain't done, Zeke." - Sawyer, The Hunting Party

There's way too much revenge floating around the Island on LOST. Here's Sawyer to the tune of Peter Yarrow's Day Is Done.


We Ain’t Done

Listen, Zeke, I know what you did.
I was right there when you snatched the kid.
I don’t speak destiny, but you bein’ here
Seems like fate, and your reckoning’s near.
Feel the fear.

Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done.

I can tell you what Hugo will say:
“Come on, dude, please put your pistol away!”
He’s naive, and he just doesn’t know
That this is the way it should go.
I’m sure of it, though.

Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done.

Spent my whole life lookin’ to kill.
Got rid of Sawyer, but the drive is there still.
I don’t know, guess it isn’t so wise,
But when I find a guy I despise,
Then I say he dies.

Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done. (Listen, we ain’t done.)
We ain’t done.

Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done.
Yeah, Zeke, you kidnapped Michael’s son.
Back then I told you that we ain’t done...

Day Is Done

I'll Walk Away (The Voice of the Child, Michael Card)

Seeing Jacob's grief-stricken act of vengeance upon his brother in Across the Sea reminded me of one of my favorite elements of the season two finale: Hurley's refusal to seek revenge for the death of Libby. He first rejects the gun Jack tries to give him at the beginning of their trek, and then when Michael is outed as the killer, he makes no attempt on his life. I thought, "If only Jacob had been that level-headed." If everyone on the show followed Hurley's example, there would be a lot less turmoil on the Island. Here's Hurley to the tune of Michael Card's The Voice of the Child.

I’ll Walk Away

We’d planned on a picnic.
It was going to be such a perfect day.
But then Libby was shot ‘cause of what I forgot,
And it’s not okay.
She didn’t deserve this.
I need you to know that she rescued me.
She was sweet and compassionate, gentle and wise,
And I found true love when I looked in her eyes,
Now lifeless and gray.
She was pure. You aimed anyway.

I hate what you’ve done, but if I had a gun,
I would stop, and I’d let the thing drop.
I am deep in dismay, but revenge doesn’t pay,
So instead, I’ll just walk away.

You murdered her, Michael.
I know you want Walt, and that‘s why she died.
But you don’t have the right to extinguish the light.
He’d be horrified.
The guilt must be setting in.
I don’t know how you can sleep at night.
I could retaliate now for your killing spree,
The moment you acted so mercilessly.
But Michael, what good would it do?
Vengeance isn’t for me.

I hate what you’ve done, but if I had a gun,
I would stop, and I’d let the thing drop.
I am deep in dismay, but revenge doesn’t pay,
So instead, I’ll just walk away.

We’d planned on a picnic.
It was going to be such a perfect day.
But then Libby was shot ‘cause of what I forgot,
And it’s not okay.
But though my heart’s breaking,
I’m stopping the cycle.
I’ll walk away.

The Voice of the Child

The End (American Pie, Don McLean)

Working through my feelings on the end of LOST a couple weeks ahead of time. Darlton, are you listening?

The End (A LOSTie’s Salute)

A long, long time ago,
Back when television was an idle, passionless routine,
An epic promo stopped me cold.
It seemed like cinematic gold
Created for a more convenient screen.
A fiery crash, a pressing query,
A score that sounded more than eerie.
I embraced this new show,
This fresh Robinson Crusoe,
This stunning tale of tattered lives.
Even if I’m pleased with who survives,
It’s sure to cut like John Locke’s knives
The day The End arrives.

A dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Do you know I came to love
All the folks who fell from far above
In September of ‘04?
And I soon made room inside my soul
For one crazed Scotsman in a hole
And Ben, who isn’t Henry anymore.
I’ve envisioned Richard as a sage
Since I noticed that he doesn’t age.
Fantastic Frank’s a find,
And I dig dear dizzy Dan's mind.
I sympathized with Dogen’s tragic case,
And Ilana touched me with her quiet grace.
I just don’t see how I can face
The day The End arrives.

I guarantee a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Now for six years, it’s been on the air.
No other series can quite compare
In terms of sheer complexity.
Every episode hides a crucial clue.
Stranger in a Strange Land matters too,
Though tattoos are not exactly key.
Who’d’ve thought that run-down DHARMA van
Would fuel a hero’s rescue plan?
Who knew the code equates
To Jacob’s Candidates?
You’ve dropped crumbs along the twisted trail.
What tiny Season One detail
Will clinch who wins and who will fail
The day The End arrives?

I’m convinced a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Faith and reason, loyalty and treason,
Enigmas deepening every season.
Cuselof, I tip my hat.
The polar bears, Hurley bird
And ancient monster are so absurd;
I appreciate it all the more for that.
There’s a four-toed statue on the beach.
When wet Walt spouted garbled speech
And Jacob’s cabin shook,
I had to take another look.
How do pylons form a Smokey shield
And why are Temple bathers healed?
What mysteries will be revealed
The day The End arrives?

I guarantee a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Now all those phrases are in my head,
Like “Are you him?” and “Dead is dead”
And “Live together, die alone.”
“Don’t mistake a coincidence for fate!”
And Jack’s cry, “We have to go back, Kate!”
By leaps and bounds, the lexicon has grown.
It’s always a hoot to spout the names
So snarkily assigned by James.
Though “Jabba’s” kinda mean,
I’m keen on “Mr. Clean”.
All the allusions make me feel obtuse.
How many more will you produce?
My library card will get some use
The day The End arrives.

I’m convinced a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

I said farewell to Jin and Sun.
Sadly, Charlie’s rock star days are done -
In this dimension, anyway.
Scott and Eko had violent deaths,
And I always will remember Seth’s,
Since you deigned to turn the pilot into prey.
From fatal falls and time disease
To filicide (curse you, Eloise!),
You’ve shown a special talent
For killing off the gallant.
Michael wound up a remorseful ghost.
Sayid repented and then was toast.
I wonder who I’ll miss the most
The day The End arrives.

I guarantee a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.
Hate to bid the Island goodbye.

I’m convinced a dry eye will be hard to come by.
No more series, no more theories,
No more castaway high,
And at this point, I’d be a fool to deny
That I hate to bid the Island goodbye.

Man's Best Friend (Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend, Jule Styne, Leo Robin)

Throughout much of the first season, there seemed to be a spark of possible romance between Sun and Michael, and Jin seemed like such a jerk at the time that many wanted this sweet relationship with a down-on-his-luck guy to develop in that direction. But by the time the mobisode Buried Secrets came out, we'd been through three seasons with these characters, and while I felt sorry for Michael, I laughed with relief when Vincent came bounding in to stop him and Sun from kissing and bringing further complications to one of the most intense couples on the show. Here, I address Mobisode Sun to the tune of Marilyn Monroe's Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend.

Man’s Best Friend

You say your husband’s lost your love,
So you might do something stupid.
Though Michael may be kind indeed,
Don’t heed the call of Cupid.

A kiss on the lips would be quite devastating.
Yes, you’ve been saved by Man’s Best Friend!
A kiss would eclipse all Jin’s reasons for hating
Rugged Island life. Oh, it would cut him like a knife.
Sun, you know that he can throw
Such a tantrum when at his wits’ end.
Just think of the bother
If you smooched Walt’s father!
You’ve been saved by Man’s Best Friend.

Loneliness. Bitterness.
Those are your feelings.
Michael’s so sympathetic
That he’s got you reeling.

The pooch came in time
To prevent a disaster.
Yes, you’ve been saved by Man’s Best Friend.
The pooch came in time
To deliver his master
From your husband’s ire
And from the fire of your desire.

You and Jin
Could start again.
Yes, your marriage could be on the mend.
This one indiscretion
Could fuel a regression.
You’ve been saved by Man’s Best Friend.

You had an affair,
And you don’t need another.
Yes, you’ve been saved by Man’s Best Friend.
You’ll rue the affair
When you learn you’re a mother
And be so glad
That Jin’s the dad your baby had.

Vincent’s bark
Has doused the spark.
An inferno was just ‘round the bend.
You feel some regret now,
But you’re in his debt now.

Vincent. Vincent.
He’s kept you inn’cent.
Yes, you’ve been saved by Man’s Best, Best Friend.

John Locke (Gaston, Alan Menken / Howard Ashman)

The first LOST filksong I ever wrote involves many of the characters discussing their backstories and Island experiences. The second has John bragging about how great he is. So I thought, for my 100th LOST song, it would be fitting to do a song in which a whole bunch of characters sing about how great John was. About 20 characters (many of them long dead) get in on the action here, to the tune of Alan Menken and Howard Ashman's Gaston, from Beauty and the Beast. Cheers!

John Locke

Ben: How it confused me to see you, John Locke,
Looking so lost and depressed.
Everything was “destiny” to John Locke,
Sure to work out for the best.
I always had failed to unnerve you before;
I now wonder why I would try.
Oddly, I long to preserve you now, for
To impress me, John, you had to die.

Smokey: No one’s been, like John Locke,
Made a twin like John Locke.
Kate: No one’s pulled off an orange-peel grin like John Locke.
Desmond: Oh, his skills with a blade were just scary.
Hurley: Dude, he undid my canteen!
Sun: Though I know his head wasn’t too hairy,
‘Twas the shiniest specimen I’ve ever seen.

Smokey: No one’s used like John Locke
And abused like John Locke.
Jack: No one “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”s like John Locke.
Smokey: No one else is as primed for manipulation.
I miss that guy, that John Locke.

Ben: A man of faith,
Of firm belief.
Richard: John Locke truly sought,
And I thought he’d be a chief.

Boone: No one’s charred as John Locke,
Had it hard as John Locke.
Shannon: No one’s face is as eerily scarred as John Locke.
Sayid: Yes, he went through a number of tussles.
Christian: He got shot and he shattered his leg.
Rose: But he had such miraculous muscles.
Sawyer: Darn right!
If brawn were a brew, then he drank a whole keg.

Jin: No one knots like John Locke,
Claire: Swaddles cloths like John Locke.
Charlie: No one makes metaphors about moths like John Locke.
Claire: No one else is as crafty at crib creation.
I owe a lot to John Locke.

Eko: No other man could have seemed quite so sincere
When he quietly said, “I was wrong.”
Walt: He always respected me when I was here.
All: Oh, it’s clear he’s earned this little song.

Jacob: I attest that John Locke
Was my guest, and John Locke
Never needed to doubt he was blessed as John Locke.
I agree his life merits a celebration.

All: I miss that guy, John Locke!

Michael, Build the Raft with Jin (Michael, Row the Boat Ashore, Traditional)

Here's a very simple ditty harkening back to very simple days on LOST, back when it seemed possible that getting off the Island could be as simple as Michael building a raft. Set to the tune of the Highwaymen's version of Michael, Row the Boat Ashore.

Michael, Build the Raft with Jin

Michael, build the raft with Jin.
Leave the Island.
New adventures will begin.
Leave the Island.

Sawyer, help to lend a hand.
Leave the Island.
Don’t lie lounging in the sand.
Leave the Island.

Michael, build the raft with Jin.
Leave the Island.
New adventures will begin.
Leave the Island.

Mr. Locke will be helping you, Walt.
Leave the Island.
Won’t reveal that the fire’s your fault.
Leave the Island.

Michael, build the raft with Jin.
Leave the Island.
New adventures will begin.
Leave the Island.

A little more work to do and then you
Leave the Island.
Who knows what you’ll have to face when you
Leave the Island?

Michael, build the raft with Jin.
Leave the Island.
New adventures will begin.
Leave the Island.

Stealing Walt (Steal Away, Phil Coulter)

As I count down the days until the final season of LOST begins, one way to whet my appetite is with a few more parodies. Here's a throwback to season one to the tune of Phil Coulter's Steal Away.

Stealing Walt

Others: Stealing Walt, we’re stealing Walt.
It’s really not our fault.
When bossed by Ben,
We’re mousy men,
And so we’re stealing Walt.

Tom: We’re stealing Walt, a special kid.
I hope we seem like hicks now.
It’s tough to keep my voice so gruff,
And boy, does this beard itch now.

Others: Stealing Walt, we’re stealing Walt.
It’s really not our fault.
When bossed by Ben,
We’re mousy men,
And so we’re stealing Walt.

Tom: We’ll leave his dad in misery
And obsessed with his retrieval.
Oh, I don’t like to mess with Mike;
I’m afraid this might make him evil.

Others: Stealing Walt, we’re stealing Walt.
It’s really not our fault.
When bossed by Ben,
We’re mousy men,
And so we’re stealing Walt.

Stealing Walt, we’re stealing Walt.
It’s really not our fault.
When bossed by Ben,
We’re mousy men,
And so we’re stealing Walt.

Bear! (Hair, Galt MacDermot / James Rado / Gerome Ragni)

How many times have we seen a polar bear on LOST now? And how many polar bears has it actually been? Two? Three? One bear possessing eerie Mikhail-like indestructibility? That's the theory I have Sawyer posit in this silly parody of the Cowsills' Hair.

Bear!

Sawyer: You asked me why.
Why? I don't wanna die.
That bear was in my sighty-sight sight.
He gave me a fright.
That bear has died, you know.
The tough task was mine;
I made him go!
He won't come back. He's dead.
Guess we'll be well fed!
Darlin'...

Look! I just shot a bear.
Big, burly white bear.
Growlin', scowlin',
Furry, in a hurry.

Would have said, "Beware!" (Bear!)
If he'd been there longer. (Bear!)
Still, I have stopped trauma;
Why treat me like a baddie?

(Bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear!)
Shoot 'im, boot 'im,
'Long as I can mute 'im,
That bear.

Walt: I made a dash for the trees.
I am begging you, please
Be speedy in seizing that bear.
I'd get on my knees
And pray, but I'd better freeze
And skimp on words
And hope the birds
Make a clatter
That will shatter
The attention of that...

(Bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear!)
Stab 'im, jab 'im,
Just keep him from grabbin'!
That bear...

Sawyer: I want him long gone, not returning,
Musty, dusty, beaten, eaten.
Hope that he's forever severed.
Now his cage is sparking rages.
Think I'd better risk it,
Fishin' for his biscuit
Though he's bigger than a yeti
And his jaws and claws are like machetes.

Eko: Oh, say can you see his eyes?
If you can, then your life is short.

Sawyer: He's still here.
Don't know where.
Darn that bear! Darn that bear! I stopped him myself!
How can his paws keep runnin' when I stopped him myself?

Oh, why is a polar bear,
Non-tropical bear,
Even grievin' us? He should be leavin'.

How does a regular fella dare (Bear!)
Face a beast that's stronger? (Bear!)
That may be more drama
Than I would deal with gladly.
(Bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear!)
Shoot 'im, boot 'im,
'Long as I can mute 'im,
That... (bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear!)
Shoot 'im, boot 'im,
'Long as I can mute 'im,
That... (bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear!)

Walkie Man (Rocket Man, Elton John / Bernie Taupin)

Here's a mid-season two rumination by that trusty Other, Tom, to the tune of Rocket Man. I don't think he ever was too keen on hurting anybody, but he sure was a loyal sidekick...

Walkie Man

Some say I'm not too bright. All right,
I'm no genius next to Ben,
But I'm glad I'm the guy he can trust again.
There's back-and-forth so much; there's so much strife.
So many in this place
Are quick to fuss and fight.

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
Before I start to figure out the rhyme
And reason that's behind the things Ben does.
That's fine because
I'm the walkie man.
Walkie man,
Giving Ben the news in undertones. (repeat)

When I disguised my face and snatched that kid,
I played the part so well,
They don't know I care. They hate me. What I did
Is something even I don't understand;
I only listen when Ben speaks.
The walkie man, the walkie man.

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
Before I start to figure out the rhyme
And reason that's behind the things Ben does.
That's fine because
I'm the walkie man.
Walkie man,
Giving Ben the news in undertones... (repeat)

And I think it's gonna be a long, long, time... (fade out)

Finding Vincent

One of the nice things about LOST is that just because a character dies, that's no guarantee we won't see them again. In fact, it's often a pretty good bet that we will. Shannon's been gone for almost two seasons now, but we've seen her since, and I wouldn't be too surprised if she pops up again before too long. Anyway, here's a little protest she launches against Sayid when he tries to stop her from going after Vincent early in the second season.

Finding Vincent

Nobody understands me
Except for that kid, Walt.
His dog is in my hands, see?
He's gone, and it's my fault.

I haven't been too useful
Since we first landed here.
I'm whiny and excuseful;
My purpose isn't clear.

Sayid, Boone died a hero.
I can't just sit around.
I'll feel like such a zero
If Vincent isn't found.

So please spare me your pity
And condescending speech.
I'm more than just a pretty
Girl tanning on a beach.

Come with me; I won't protest.
But you can't make me stay.
I'll certainly get no rest
While Vincent is away.

My mind's a mess of worry.
Why did he have to roam?
For Walt, I have to hurry.
It's time to bring him home.

Vincent

Here's a tribute to Vincent, my favorite canine character on LOST. (Now that's a pretty safe assertion! Though I suppose he has some slight competition in Sun's pup...)

Vincent

You fascinate me, Vincent, mysterious and mute.
The flashbacks are reserved for those who speak,
And so your past is shrouded. You're furry and you're cute,
But you refuse the insight that I seek.

You've wandered through the jungle. What have you seen and heard?
If you could share its secrets, would you tell?
Could you decode the whispers made not by beast or bird
But Others who we don't know very well?

First lost and then abandoned, did you let out a moan
To indicate you hate to be ignored?
Or did you like the freedom of being left alone,
Returning to the shore when you got bored?

Just like the plucky Samwise, you tailed the raft-bound Walt,
Who couldn't seem to shake his loyal friend,
But tides conspired against you. His fate was not your fault,
And you'll be reunited in the end.

Meanwhile, you, just as busy as any castaway,
Helped Charlie ditch his hapless druggie role,
Led Hurley to the bus that he used to save the day,
Tried sparing foolish Nikki from that hole.

There may be more heroics, but even if your paws
Are idle on the island from now on,
You'll make me happy, Vincent. Accept my firm applause.
A light would leave the show if you were gone.

A Militant Man (An Innocent Man, Billy Joel)

I'm trying to fill in the gaps in my LOST parodies by turning my attention to characters I've largely neglected thus far. One of the most glaring of these is Sayid, whose only appearance was in my very first attempt. I guess he hasn't really grabbed my interest the way some of the others have, largely because he's so darn solemn all the time, but he's an intriguing character and actually one of the reasons I think the Others, or at least some of the Others, aren't so bad. Right off the bat they get us to sympathize with someone who was one of "the bad guys", and it makes us more inclined to consider how apparent enemies might be viewed differently if we looked at things from their perspective.

Sayid is a good man who has done bad things, and though he is mostly ashamed of the harm he inflicted upon others when he felt he had little choice, that experience has hardened him, making him more willing to resort to desperate measures in the desperate times the castaways face. This parody of Billy Joel's An Innocent Man features Sayid at loggerheads with Jack over his desire to use dubious methods to extract information from Sawyer, Henry and Juliet.

A Militant Man

How can he steal from the sick and the poor?
I'd say that Sawyer has plundered enough.
It is his choice to be vilified
Although I don't understand why.

He might give in, Jack. It shouldn't take much
When there's danger in breaking all the rules.
I'm guessing you know what must be done
So Shannon will not have to die.

I need your presence, and that's enough help.
I'll do the dirty work all by myself.
Oh, yes, it's dirty,
But I'm not above
Giving Sawyer a shove.
I'll gladly try it if it helps her heal.
I'm not above using torturing
To restore her health if I can.

I know he took them, though he hasn't told;
I think my torment ought to loosen his tongue.
I'm only able to make men cry
Because I am a militant man.
I am a militant man.
Oh, yes, I am.

You people may be too quick to believe
A shifty stranger whose heart could be dark.
I'm betting he has a secret to tell.
You'd do well to recall we're at war.

They murdered Scott and stole Walt in the night;
They kidnapped Claire and left Charlie for dead.
I'm sorry this makes you queasy, but to trust him,
We must be secure.

We have been living in fear, but today
We might make progress if you let me stay.
I am prepared to use pliers and knives,
But I'll keep him alive.
I'm not about to be ruthless like them.
I only need to persuade him a while.
If he aids us, then I'll still my hand.

If he's the one who can start shedding light
On all the problems plaguing our small clan,
His knowledge should be the perfect excuse
For abuse by a militant man.
I am a militant man.
Oh, yes, I am
A militant man.

What makes you think that Juliet is all right?
She's one of them, and I suspect that she might
Be on a mission.
Jack, how do we know
That she wasn't let go
To do some spying, unsuspected by us?
Would you not love to discover her part
In the Others' well-guarded grand plan?

I'm only asking to hear it from her.
Was leaving her idea or was it his?
I'm afraid Ben will pay her to lie
Because I am a militant man.
I am a militant man.
Oh, yes, I am
A militant man.
Oh, oh, oh, oh...

I Can't Take a Shower (You Don't Bring Me Flowers, Alan & Marilyn Bergman)

This parody of You Don't Bring Me Flowers is set in LOST's first season, but it bounces around a bit, so it's a montage of moments in which various characters are disgruntled with some aspect of island life. (Didn't I catch a glimpse of Sullivan in this week's episode? Why don't we see more of him? He's annoying but endearing...)

I Can't Take a Shower

Nikki: I can't take a shower.
Charlie: I can't play my rock songs.
Shannon: It's hard for me to breathe anymore.
Sawyer: Heck, I don't have a door
To keep bandits away.

Scott: I remember when
I had a roof above me.
Steve: I sure miss my TV.
Claire: No peanut butter jars are in sight.
Hurley: It's a bummer, dude.
Folks are starting to fight.
We don't have a stove or
A fridge, and some night,
My Walkman won't have power anymore.

Jack: They tell me I'm a natural
Leader, but I never
Intended to lead people before.
Boone: Shannon lays on the shore,
Doing nothing all day.

Sun: I'd gladly be a member
Of the group; why won't he
Let us interact?
Jin: I'm protecting my wife.
We must never give up
Living our private life.
Walt: I wish I had a turn
Using Mr. Locke's knife.
Michael: Don't call me a coward anymore!

Sullivan: Man, this rash really burns,
And it's causing me strife.
Vincent: Won't somebody feed me?
I hope I'm not lost long.
Paolo: I can't take a shower anymore.

Christmas on the Island (Christmas in Killarney, John Redmond / James Cavanaugh / Frank Weldon)

Can the magic of Christmas touch even the island on LOST? Here's hopin', with a parody of Christmas in Killarney contrasting with my last LOST parody.

Christmas on the Island

A jolly scene. A thriving scene
As festive and fun as the fields are green.
It's Christmas on the island
That's starting to feel like home.

Though there's no snow, as we all know,
A polar bear lived there not long ago.
And Kate can ride the noble horse
Who followed her there from home.

Well, Charlie won't be tempted,
Claire won't be plagued by fear,
And Jack and John will get along
And Walt will reappear.

The Others will be kind and fill
The castaways' huts up with gifts until
Each grimy face is smilin'. No bitter winds will blow
On Christmas on the island
That's starting to feel like home.

Christmas on the Island is heartening to see.
They've had enough of torment; it's time they had some glee.

A jolly scene. A thriving scene
As festive and fun as the fields are green.
It's Christmas on the island
That's starting to feel like home.

Though there's no snow, as we all know,
A polar bear lived there not long ago.
And Kate can ride the noble horse
Who followed her there from home.

Well, Charlie won't be tempted,
Claire won't be plagued by fear,
And Jack and John will get along
And Walt will reappear.

The Others will be kind and fill
The castaways' huts up with gifts until
Each grimy face is smilin'. No bitter winds will blow
On Christmas on the island
That's starting to feel like home.

Well, Charlie won't be tempted,
Claire won't be plagued by fear,
And Jack and John will get along
And Walt will reappear.

The Others will be kind and fill
The castaways' huts up with gifts until
Each grimy face is smilin'. No bitter winds will blow
On Christmas on the island
That's starting to feel like home.

The Castaways' Rhapsody (Bohemian Rhapsody, Freddie Mercury)

This morning, I mentioned to my brother Nathan that I wanted to write a song about LOST but hadn't yet settled on an appropriate song, having rejected Gilligan's Island as too obvious and subsequently used it for another parody. "Bohemian Rhapsody!" he exclaimed. And I must applaud him, because it was an inspired suggestion, and one I might not have thought of by myself. What follows is a mass of festering schizophrenia, but I hope you will find it as fun to read as I found it to write. The names in bold are to indicate the speakers; just imagine a massive music video containing every member of the principal cast and then some...

The Castaways' Rhapsody

Castaways: Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Who knew that plane ride
Would conclude in calamity?
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see...
Boone: I'd be a hero, but Jack will not let me
Because he's sure that he's in the know.
Hurley: I'm getting vertigo.
Why'd I have to win the -
Boone: Nothing I do matters...
Hurley: - dumb lottery?

Kate: Sawyer, I killed a man.
Now the one I love is dead.
I wish it was me instead.
Sun and Jin: We are both Korean and
We cannot understand a thing you say.
Michael: Walter, ooooh, didn't mean to make you cry.
You bum me out because you didn't miss me.
Walt: Vincent's gone, Vincent's gone,
And my dad keeps getting madder.

Charlie: I hate that my drugs are gone.
Jack: I know that I'm a hunk
And I think that Boone is bunk.
Claire: I am really pregnant. This baby is
Gonna finally pop out of me any day.
Sawyer: Freckles, oooooh, (Sun: I wonder if Jin knows?) caught you in a lie,
But I will keep your secret if you just kiss me.

Hurley: I know the numbers on that map are evil, man.
Danielle: I'm uncouth! I'm uncouth!
And I killed my whole gang.
Sayid: Oh, look, electric lighting!
This woman is frightening me...
Sawyer: We can't stay.
Kate: No, we should stay.
Jin: No, we can't stay.
Locke: No, we should stay.
Michael: No, we can't stay.
Walt: No, we should stay - wait, better go...

Locke: I'm just an old guy. Nobody trusts me.
Everyone Else: He's just a man whose dad stole his kidney.
Sawyer: I shot a bear but they still yell at me.
Sayid: Crazy French lady, oh, will you let me go?
Pilot: The monster! No!
Felled Boar: I ran a bit too slow.
Jin: Let me go!
Kate: The monster!
Vincent: Where did that Walt kid go?
Charlie: Let her go!
Shannon: The monster!
Polar Bear: I ought to find some snow...
Claire: Let him go!
The Others: That kid's ours, you know.
Walt: Let me go!
Perplexed (But Enthusiastic) Viewers: What a crazy show!
The Island: They should go...
Enthusiastic (But Perplexed) Viewers: No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
Michael: Oh, there must be a -
Jin: There must be a -
Michael and Jin: - way to get off if we row.
Charlie: I'm in Drive Shaft, and You All Everybody was such a hit for me!

Marshal: So you think you're a hero and have a good eye?
So nice of you to shoot me and leave me to die!
Shannon: I'm lazy
And my step-brother's crazy.
Michael, Jin and Sawyer: Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here.

Michael, Jin and Sawyer: This raft's kind of tattered.
Hope it's sea-worthy.
Castaways: Our lives have been shattered.
Fulfilled Viewers: But you make us gladder
Each week...

Everyone: Hear the ocean wind blow...