A Monster By the Cockpit (Hey Daddy, Bob Ruzicka)

Here's another ditty inspired by the Anne Murray album There's a Hippo in My Tub, a wonderful collection of lullabies. This is a not-so-soothing rundown of some of the strange creatures on the Island, to the tune of Hey Daddy.

A Monster By the Cockpit

Hey, Sawyer, there’s a bear out in the jungle.
Good thing you’re a trigger-happy man.
Hey, Charlie, run quick, ‘cause there’s a monster by the cockpit,
And it seems to me he’s not a Drive Shaft fan.

It’s a scary sort of Island
With a roving DHARMA shark.
Sometimes you suspect that
You’d prefer Jurassic Park.

I tell ya,
Hey, Sawyer, there’s a bear out in the jungle.
Good thing you’re a trigger-happy man.
Hey, Charlie, run quick, ‘cause there’s a monster by the cockpit,
And it seems to me he’s not a Drive Shaft fan.

Well, the bandit boars are a menace here,
And the Hurley bird is bizarre,
But if velociraptors trash the camp,
That’s going too far.

Meanwhile,
Hey, Sawyer, there’s a bear out in the jungle.
Good thing you’re a trigger-happy man.
Hey, Charlie, run quick, ‘cause there’s a monster by the cockpit,
And it seems to me he’s not a Drive Shaft fan.
And it seems to me he’s not a Drive Shaft fan.
Yeah, it seems to me he’s not a Drive Shaft fan.

Fish Biscuit (Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Jerry Bock / Sheldon Harnick)

"Hey, you got yourself a fish biscuit!" - Tom, A Tale of Two Cities

When it comes to fictional food, LOST has done just about as well as Harry Potter in whetting my appetite. I'm especially taken with Apollo bars, which always seem to turn up at times when one person is showing great kindness to another, and fish biscuits, which probably aren't all that tasty but certainly must be appreciated when they're the only thing on the menu. Here's an ode to them, set in early season three, to the tune of Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick's Matchmaker, Matchmaker, from Fiddler on the Roof.

Fish Biscuit

Karl: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
You’re all I’ve had
For a long time. You’re not so bad,
Fish biscuit, fish biscuit.
Yet I would bet
That when you’re gone, I’ll be glad.

Kate: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
Shaped like a fish,
Tastes like a caged bear’s fondest wish.
Getting so hungry I’m weak in the knees
So pass me a biscuit, please.

Sawyer: Oh, Freckles tastes like strawberries,
A nice way to approach my own death.
But she had better be wary,
‘Cause I bet that I have fish biscuit breath!

Karl: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
You’re all I’ve had
For a long time. You’re not so bad.
Still, on the list of things I’d want to eat,
A fish biscuit is not a treat.

(spoken)
Karl: Hey. Hey, how long would it take to get to your camp?
Sawyer: What, you talking to me now, Chachi?
Karl: From where they got you, how long a walk was it? A day, two days? And what are the people like from your plane?
Sawyer: Oh, they're just awesome. Last one of you boys came for a visit got tortured by our Iraqi. He tortured me, too...
[Karl escapes his cage and tries to spring Sawyer]
Sawyer: Hey, how'd you get out of there?

(sung)
Karl: Sawyer, hey Sawyer, come on! Run away with me!
I’ve waited, I’ve planned, and now I get to flee
Because you’ll take me to your friends, right? Right!
No doubt they have their vices, but hey, they sure beat Ben,
My girlfriend’s crummy dad -
Shoot, caught again!

Tom: Hey, Ford, you rascal, well, aren’t you the clever guy?
You worked out the trick! I knew that if you’d try
You’d get yourself a fish biscuit, son.
One small thing I ought to tell you.
The bears were lots of fun.
In just a couple hours,
They got it done.

Sawyer: So you sayin’ I’m a dunce?
Tom: Now, just take it easy there.
It’s apparent to me that you’re perfectly smart and tenacious -
For a bear!

Sawyer: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
Guess now I know
How hobbits feel, lembas in tow.
Since I am starvin’ these things do the trick,
But boy, am I gettin’ sick
Of biscuits, crunchy and fishy.
I won’t miss them at all when we leave,
And at the beach, I won’t wish we
Had stuck a few up our sleeves.

Kate: Fish biscuit, fish biscuit,
I can’t complain. Glad I’m alive.
Still, I do feel
Fish biscuits really aren’t much of a meal.
So I’m in no doubt.
We will bust out.
Can’t wait to eat any old dish
That isn’t shaped like a fish!

Bear! (Hair, Galt MacDermot / James Rado / Gerome Ragni)

How many times have we seen a polar bear on LOST now? And how many polar bears has it actually been? Two? Three? One bear possessing eerie Mikhail-like indestructibility? That's the theory I have Sawyer posit in this silly parody of the Cowsills' Hair.

Bear!

Sawyer: You asked me why.
Why? I don't wanna die.
That bear was in my sighty-sight sight.
He gave me a fright.
That bear has died, you know.
The tough task was mine;
I made him go!
He won't come back. He's dead.
Guess we'll be well fed!
Darlin'...

Look! I just shot a bear.
Big, burly white bear.
Growlin', scowlin',
Furry, in a hurry.

Would have said, "Beware!" (Bear!)
If he'd been there longer. (Bear!)
Still, I have stopped trauma;
Why treat me like a baddie?

(Bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear!)
Shoot 'im, boot 'im,
'Long as I can mute 'im,
That bear.

Walt: I made a dash for the trees.
I am begging you, please
Be speedy in seizing that bear.
I'd get on my knees
And pray, but I'd better freeze
And skimp on words
And hope the birds
Make a clatter
That will shatter
The attention of that...

(Bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear!)
Stab 'im, jab 'im,
Just keep him from grabbin'!
That bear...

Sawyer: I want him long gone, not returning,
Musty, dusty, beaten, eaten.
Hope that he's forever severed.
Now his cage is sparking rages.
Think I'd better risk it,
Fishin' for his biscuit
Though he's bigger than a yeti
And his jaws and claws are like machetes.

Eko: Oh, say can you see his eyes?
If you can, then your life is short.

Sawyer: He's still here.
Don't know where.
Darn that bear! Darn that bear! I stopped him myself!
How can his paws keep runnin' when I stopped him myself?

Oh, why is a polar bear,
Non-tropical bear,
Even grievin' us? He should be leavin'.

How does a regular fella dare (Bear!)
Face a beast that's stronger? (Bear!)
That may be more drama
Than I would deal with gladly.
(Bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear!)
Shoot 'im, boot 'im,
'Long as I can mute 'im,
That... (bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear!)
Shoot 'im, boot 'im,
'Long as I can mute 'im,
That... (bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear, bear!)

Will You Like Me More? (When I'm Sixty-Four, Paul McCartney)

Shame on me, giving Sawyer another song when I've neglected so many other characters entirely. But I have mistaken first impressions on the brain today. And while Sawyer never quite proves himself entirely trustworthy, there's a lot more to him than that jerk who antagonized Sayid. In my other parody, I have him protesting the idea of Locke trying to make him a better person; in this When I'm 64 parody, which takes place a little earlier, it's almost the opposite as Sawyer, frustrated to find himself falling for Kate, imagines himself confronting her and trying to convince her he's not so bad. The poor guy's conflicted and can't figure out whether he wants to be loved or hated. Silly Sawyer... All you need is love!

Will You Like Me More?

When I was boldly shooting a bear,
Why'd you have a cow?
Thanks to me, the scouting party's doing fine.
Your revulsion should be a sign
You'll never be attracted to me.
Still, I'm not so sure.
If you take chances with second glances,
Will you like me more?

You have secrets too.
If you sing like a bird,
I'll share mine with you.

I don't know why you flatly refuse,
Thinkin' it's a con.
Princess, is it prejudice or is it pride?
You won't see my sensitive side.
If I try harder, grovel and plead
On the jungle floor,
If you take chances with second glances,
Will you like me more?

We could help each other warm our bodies
In the dead of night, if I'm bein' clear.
If you'd only cave,
I'd prove that I can be
More than just a knave.

Now that you've tossed my heart on the line,
Here's the thing to do:
Ditch the doc - he's much too busy anyway,
Bossin' us around every day.
Pity the one who fell for your charm.
Dine with me on boar.
If you take chances with second glances,
Will you like me more?