Crazytown (The Orange and the Green, traditional)

"What about you? You wanna stay here in Crazytown or help me rescue the geek?" - Sawyer, Jughead

LOST's book-loving Sawyer is a natural-born storyteller. I had fun last year wriitng a parody in which he recounts his experience in LaFleur, and this is the same basic idea, but instead it's The Lie and Jughead, and it's addressed specifically to Juliet, to the tune of the Irish Rovers' version of The Orange and the Green. (Hat-tip to Amanda at GritFX, who partly inspired this one with one of her awesome designs.)

Crazytown

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

While we sat there on the shoreline,
Just regrouping with the rest,
We saw a flaming arrow
Hittin’ Frogurt in the chest.
Well, of course, we ran for cover;
I yelled, “Meet at the creek!”
And we got separated from
The redhead and the geek.

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

I guess it wasn’t quite so smart
To give away our mark.
Yeah, it would’ve worked out better
If we’d kept ‘em in the dark.
Well, thank goodness for the Colonel.
Yes, I bless his big bald head,
For if not for him and his huge knife,
We’d probably be dead.

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

We asked the hothead Others
About where they came from.
You busted out the Latin,
And I felt a little dumb.
But not as dumb as Rambo,
Who went to talk to Rick
While Dan was bein’ death marched.
Oh, it kinda made me sick.

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

You saw her with a rifle
Aimed right at Faraday
And offered, “Hey, why don’t we all
Just put our guns away?”
Your voice was calm and quiet,
But you still were firm enough
To rattle Miss Attila
And to prove to me you’re tough.

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

Well, just then we flashed through time again,
And she whizzed out of sight.
But Blondie, you’ve got chutzpah
And I guess that you’re all right.
I thought that back with Freckles,
My love life hit a peak,
But now I see you with new eyes
Since we rescued the geek.

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

I said, “I’ll give you two options.
Which challenge will you seek?
You wanna stay in Crazytown
Or help me save the geek?”

Well, I Certainly Hope You Help Him (Heaven on Their Minds, Andrew Lloyd Webber / Tim Rice)

"Well, I certainly hope he helps you, John!"
- Ben, The Man Behind the Curtain

LOST has been inviting plenty of comparisons between Ben Linus and Judas Iscariot, so I suppose it was only a matter of time before I busted out the weathered copy of 1973's Jesus Christ Superstar. Here's a rant from Ben on what was probably the most miserable birthday of his life - and that's really saying something - to the tune of Heaven on Their Minds.

Well, I Certainly Hope You Help Him

He heard you clearly there.
“Help me,”
You implored
As I stared
At that old
Rocking chair.
I’m the leader here,
But I
Didn’t hear
As I stared
At that old
Rocking chair.

Jacob!
You wanna fire me?
Come tell me so yourself,
And not by sending things
Cascading from the shelf!

For one time in your life,
Why can’t you just be frank?
After all I’ve done for you,
Here’s how you say thanks?

Listen, Jacob,
Who needs him anyway?
Way to drop this bomb on my own birthday!
Way to tell me
My years of servitude were a waste.
You know, I have questions too,
But I would not barge in on you.
I don’t get why you’d reward his haste.

I remember when I first saw your face -
Wait, no, I don’t, since that never took place!
You appoint me
But never let me look you in the eye.
I always believed that you exist
Though you’re as murky as the mist.
I had faith in you, and now I fry.

Did you see his hissy fit?
Let me clue you in a bit.
Threw a tantrum like a tot.
Who would’ve thought?
Can you tell that makes me mad?
Bet he didn’t kill his dad.
Bet he fobbed it off on James.
Him and his games!

Listen, Jacob, is it too much to hope
That you’ll stop treating me like a dope?
I have lived for you,
But I have no idea who you are!
Say a word or two to me.
Just show me that one courtesy.
I’ve been patient and sincere so far.
Oh, but just so far!

Listen, Jacob, you know I’m on your team.
I’m exhausted, though, and just want to scream.
Can you blame me if I want to see to it his life goes dim?
Though he’s still consumed by doubt,
You ask him to help you out.
Well, I certainly hope you help him.
Yes, I hope you help him.
Oh… Oh…

Listen, Jacob, you know I’m on your team.
All your secrecy with me makes me scream.
So come on, come on… you won’t listen to me now.
Ah… Ah…
Come on, listen, listen to me.
Come on, listen to me now.
Ah…
Come on, listen to me.
Listen, listen to me.
Oh… Oh…
Come on, listen to me. Listen to me...

Faraday (Fly Away, John Denver)

Yesterday, I incorporated a bit of a dialogue between Daniel and Jacob into my LOST song dealing with Charlotte's landing on the Island. I wanted to explore that further, and I had a revelation. The title of the season five episode The Little Prince always bothered me a bit, since the book is never seen or mentioned, nor quoted from, and aside from the appearance of the French team, I couldn't see much of a correlation. I think I've finally figured it out. The Little Prince is Daniel Faraday.

In Because You Left, we learned that Daniel Faraday's mother had something important to say to Desmond. In The Lie, we learned that Ben was meeting with Ms Hawking, previously seen only in connection with Desmond, in Los Angeles and that she was key to getting everyone back to the Island. In Jughead, we learned that Daniel's mother was now living in Los Angeles and that Charles Widmore knew her. We also met Ellie on the Island for the first time - and given that his rat's name was Eloise, it wasn't much of a stretch to imagine that could be her, especially since Daniel recognized her. And, of course, we discovered that young Charles was living on the Island too. All of the clues had been carefully laid out. I believe that The Little Prince was an indication of Daniel's true identity - the son of former Island Queen Eloise Hawking and Island King Charles Widmore.

What's more, in Jughead, the episode in which Daniel finally overtly declared his love for her, Charlotte first suffered serious side effects from time travel. In his part of the story, The Little Prince is primarily concerned with him figuring out why this is happening to Charlotte and how to stop it. To quote the book referenced in the title, "You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed." Daniel has "tamed" Charlotte, and now his mandate is to protect her.

All this is to say that Daniel Faraday has a pretty special place in LOST lore. And this week - though I had to consult Lostpedia for confirmation - he was revealed as a Candidate, bearing the number 101. I suspect that Jacob cares a great deal about this prince who was, presumably, taken off the Island when he was little indeed - before he was born. And just as the Little Prince longed to return to his tiny planet and the rose he loved, Daniel, without consciously realizing it, longed to return to his Island and the girl to whom he would issue a protective warning, in her past and his future.

Here's a dialogue between Jacob and Daniel to the tune of John Denver's Fly Away.

Faraday

Jacob: All of your dreams have been disregarded.
Sometimes it’s too much to bear.
Your life has never been yours to pilot.
Daniel, it doesn’t seem fair.

Faraday.
Come, blessed Island son.
Faraday.
Come, Number One-Oh-One.
Faraday.

Life in a lab coat has made you lonely
For more down-to-earth company.
(Daniel: More company…)
Jacob: Life in the shadow of Eloise
Has limited who you can be.

Faraday.
Come, blessed Island son.
Faraday.
Come, Number One-Oh-One.
Faraday.

Daniel, one day you’ll be able to do as you please.
(Daniel: One day I will do as I please.)
Jacob: No longer controlled by your father and by Eloise.
(Daniel: No Eloise…)

Jacob: You’re waiting for someone to share your life with.
You’re waiting for laughter and song.
(Daniel: Where is my song?)
Jacob: You’re waiting for someone who cares for you.
Oh, Dan, you won’t have to wait long.

Faraday.
Come, blessed Island son.
Faraday.
Come, Number One-Oh-One.
Faraday.
Come, blessed Island son.
Faraday.

Daniel: Where is my beauty?
Why only strife?
Let me have music
And love in my life.
Love in my life…

Fly Away

Alexandra (Hallelujah, Leonard Cohen)

"She's not my daughter.  I stole her as a baby from an insane woman. She's a pawn, nothing more. She means nothing to me. I'm not coming out of this house. So if you want to kill her, go ahead and do it - "
- Ben, The Shape of Things to Come


Ben has always been one of the most fascinating characters on LOST, and his tale seems continually marked by tragedy, some of it brought upon himself. It's hard to say how much blame he deserves for the death of his adopted daughter in the devastating season four episode The Shape of Things to Come, but it's clearly something that's been eating away at him. Season six's The Substitute gives me reason to hope that Sideways Ben, purified by his horrific experience on the Island and his remorseful reponse to his complicity, is atoning for his failure to protect his daughter by spending his days in a position where he can guide teens like her to better lives. Here's a reflection to the tune of Rufus Wainwright's version of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah.

Alexandra

It hadn’t been an easy year.
The little girl who you held so dear
Had made it pretty clear she couldn’t stand ya.
Oh, teenage love’s a tricky thing.
You only sought to clip her wings
To fling away a threat to Alexandra.

Alexandra, Alexandra.
Alexandra, Alexandra.

Defiantly, you had made her yours.
You snatched her from the out-of-doors
Though wars were fought and Widmore would’ve banned ya.
And yet it was your choice to spare
The child and leave her mother there,
Despairingly imploring, “Alexandra!”

Alexandra, Alexandra.
Alexandra, Alexandra.

Steering her to the secret spot,
You sought some solace in the thought
She’d not be caught by those who would demand ya.
But Keamy brought her back home to you.
Now your mind games wouldn’t do,
And you knew that you had lost your Alexandra.

Alexandra, Alexandra.
Alexandra, Alexandra.

The mercenary called your bluff.
You loved her, Ben, but not enough.
You gruffly said the isle would reprimand ya.
In the dead of night, your darkest dreams
Were littered with the tortured screams
Of Keamy’s lily victim, Alexandra.

Alexandra, Alexandra.
Alexandra, Alexandra.

You were traumatized at first
And, haunted by your last outburst,
You cursed the man accustomed to command ya.
But the blameless blood that was freely spilt
Then forged in you a transforming guilt,
So you built a life to honor Alexandra.

Alexandra, Alexandra.
Alexandra, Alexandra.
Alexandra, Alexandra.
Alexandra, Alexandra.

Give Them Life (All This Joy, John Denver)

LOST is chock-full of fascinating characters. But if I had to pinpoint the four most important, at least of those we've known from the very first season, I'd have to go with Jack, Sawyer, Hurley and John. Here's a little dialogue between head writers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse and viewers, to the tune of John Denver's All This Joy.

Give Them Life

Darlton: This is Jack.
This is Sawyer.
This is Hurley.
This is John.

He’s a doc.
He’s a conman.
He’s a rich man.
He’s a chump.

Pity poor Jack.
Pity poor Sawyer.
Pity poor Hurley.
Pity poor John.

He lacks faith.
He lacks scruples.
He lacks self-worth.
He lacks life.

Viewers: Please save Jack.
Please save Sawyer.
Please save Hurley
And please save John.

Just give him faith.
Give him scruples.
Give him self-worth.
Give him life.

Darlton: We’ll save Jack.
We’ll save Sawyer.
We’ll save Hurley.
We’ll save John.

He’ll find faith.
He’ll find scruples.
He’ll find self-worth.
He’ll find life.

They’ll have self-worth.
They’ll have life.

Way Over (Overs, Paul Simon)

"Half the stuff he says goes way over my head; the other half goes way, way over." - Frank, The Economist

Frank Lapidus is appropriately named, because he's always a straight shooter, and in season four's The Economist, he's certainly not too proud to admit to Jack that he and Daniel aren't exactly operating on the same wavelength. Here's a little reflection to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's Overs.

Way Over

Frank: Don’t ask me, “What’s Faraday’s deal?”
He goes way over, over, over
My head, Jack.
I’ve said, Jack,
That regular guys simply can’t keep track
Of the crazy things he has in his noggin.

It’s clear to me that he’s smart.
He makes me nervous, he’s so jittery.
Although you just met him yesterday,
You can see his mind’s always far away.
And I’ve got no clue what he has in his pack.

Daniel: Pack the bearings that I gave you.
Frank, I know they’ll save you.
Better be prepared for
Nasty weather…

Frank: I don’t get Faraday.
But I am glad that we’re stuck with him.
Without his expertise, I don’t know what we’d do.
And yet, at the same time, I don’t mind tellin’ you
The stuff
He tells me goes way over.

Overs

John Locke in the Rain (Brown Girl in the Ring, Traditional)

One of my favorite images from LOST is the iconic shot of John Locke on the beach, giddy as he gets drenched in his first rainstorm on the Island. His curious relationship with rain continues throughout the series. Here's a cheerful ditty about why John is so happy to get soaked, to the tune of Boney M.'s Brown Girl in the Ring.

John Locke in the Rain

John Locke in the rain,
Grinning at the sky.
John Locke in the rain.
What a happy fella!
John Locke in the rain.
Not sure how or why,
But he knows just when it’s gonna stop.
To the drop!

Miracles happen.
Yes, indeed, they do!
Oh, yes, miracles happen.
He’ll tell Walt about it.
Miracles happen.
He has been renewed
And he knows just when it’s gonna stop.
To the drop!

He was in a wheelchair.
Suddenly he walks instead.
He was in a wheelchair.
Suddenly he walks instead.

Does he know, had Jacob not been there,
He would probably now be dead?
Does he know, had Jacob not been there,
He would probably now be dead?

Miracle. Yes, it’s a miracle.

John Locke in the rain,
Grinning at the sky.
Yes, it’s John Locke in the rain.
What a happy fella!
John Locke in the rain.
Not sure how or why,
But he knows just when it’s gonna stop.
To the drop!

Miracles happen.
Yes, indeed they do!
Oh, yes, miracles happen.
He’ll tell Walt about it.
Miracles happen.
He has been renewed
And he knows just when it’s gonna stop.
To the drop!

He was in a wheelchair.
Suddenly he walks instead.
Does he know, had Jacob not been there,
He would probably now be dead?

Miracle. Yes, it’s a miracle.

John Locke in the rain,
Grinning at the sky.
It’s John Locke in the rain.
What a happy fella!
John Locke in the rain.
Not sure how or why,
But he knows just when it’s gonna stop.
To the drop!

He was in a wheelchair.
Suddenly he walks instead.
He was in a wheelchair.
Suddenly he walks instead.

John Locke in the rain,
Grinning at the sky.
John Locke in the rain.
What a happy fella!
John Locke in the rain.
Not sure how or why,
But he knows just when it’s gonna stop.
To the drop!

Tell My Sister That I Love Her (Knock Three Times, Tony Orlando)

"Yeah, you remember when she said, "Tell my sister I love her"? Well, she doesn't have a sister. That's what we're supposed to say if we get captured, have a gun to our heads. Like right now, Jack here would say, "Tell my sister I love her," you get it?"
- Miles, Confirmed Dead

Last night, while looking up Tony Orlando and Dawn's Candida online, I happened upon Knock Three Times, so that was in my mind when I rewatched Confirmed Dead, the season four LOST episode introducing the Freighter Four. I was especially struck by Miles' exaggerated aggression and Daniel's complete confusion; guess he missed the meeting when they handed out the secret codes. Here's a little recreation of that scene to the latter tune.

Tell My Sister That I Love Her

Miles: Hey there, Jack. I think that you’re nuts
If you believe our security’s really so shoddy.
I know all about her dying.
There’s a likely chance you’re lying.
Soon I will know
Because you’re gonna show me
Her body.

Here’s the story.
If I say,
“Tell my sister that I love her,”
Jack, that is the sign -

Daniel: What sign?

Miles: There’s a gun to my head.
Get this straight, Dan.
Since she said,
“Tell my sister that I love her,”
Oh, I have a hunch -

Daniel: What hunch?

Miles: Why Naomi is dead.

Okay, I guess you guys are all right.
Don’t ask me how, but I now know
That you didn’t knife her.
You seem like a decent fella,
So here’s what I am gonna tell ya:
Be sure to keep your nose out, sniffing for codes to decipher.

Here’s the story.
If I say,
“Tell my sister that I love her,”
Jack, that is the sign -

Daniel: What sign?

Miles: There’s a gun to my head.
Get this straight, Dan.
Since she said,
“Tell my sister that I love her,”
Oh, I have a hunch -

Daniel: What hunch?

Miles: Why Naomi is dead.

Oh. I know all about her dying.
There’s a likely chance you’re lying.
Soon I will know
Because you’re gonna show me
Her body.

Here’s the story.
If I say,
“Tell my sister that I love her,”
Jack, that is the sign -

Daniel: What sign?

Miles: There’s a gun to my head.
(Daniel: I get it, I get it, I get it...)

Miles: Way to go, Dan!
Since she said,
“Tell my sister that I love her,”
Oh, I had a hunch -

Daniel: Wrong hunch!

Miles: Why Naomi is dead.

Don't Tell Me What I Can't Do! (I Don't Mind If I Do, Traditional)

"Don't tell me what I can't do!"
- John, Walkabout

If there's one word I associate with LOST's John Locke, it's "destiny," but if there's one phrase, it's "Don't tell me what I can't do!" Here's a song reflecting that, to the tune of the Irish Rovers' I Don't Mind If I Do.

Don’t Tell Me What I Can’t Do!

You asked me to tell you my favorite phrase,
The one I’ll repeat to the end of my days,
The one that’s stuck with me like paper to glue.
It’s the seven words “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man.

My name is John Locke, and a hunter am I.
Some say I’m a farmer, but that is a lie.
When someone suggests it, I give him a clue
When I counter with, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man.

When I was a scrawny teen struggling through school,
My professor said, “Listen, John. Don’t be a fool.
You’re meant for this science camp. Sports aren’t for you.”
But I yelled at him, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man.

I wanted to discover who my long-lost dad was.
They found him but said to me, “Don’t think because
You share the same blood that he’ll care about you.”
But I shouted back, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man.

Well, I met with a woman who thought I was grand,
And I was about to ask her for her hand.
She said, “Drop your dad; he’ll just hurt you anew.”
So I had to cry, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man.

In need of renewal and fully prepared,
I set off for a walkabout, but one of them dared
To say that my wheels were a problem. On cue,
I lashed out with, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man.

Now I’m on the Island and I’ve been reborn.
I'm no longer a loser, no longer forlorn.
If you think of crossing me, let me review:
I will always say, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man.
No you don’t, ‘cause I can.
I’m a Do Anything That I Wanna Do man!

Please Kill the Girl (We Kill the World, Frank Farian / Giorgio & Giusela Sgarbi)

One of my favorite songs growing up was Boney M.'s We Kill the World (Don't Kill the World), an epic Save the Earth song that is both ominous and inspiring. I've been rewatching the early episodes of LOST's fourth season, and when I revisited this song tonight, I thought it might make a good vehicle for Charlotte's ordeal in Confirmed Dead and The Economist.

Mostly, I stick pretty close to the script, I think; the main change is that I imagine Daniel, who I've always thought of as a Man of Faith as well as a Man of Science, praying for her safety from a distance, and I imagine Jacob watching over Daniel and wanting to offer him some reassurance.

Please Kill the Girl (Don’t Kill the Girl)

Ben: (spoken) I see chaos, despair and chaos.
I see mercenaries on the rise.
This girl, this girl…

Coming to destroy.
She may be acting coy,
But she is in the know.
Many years ago,
I kicked her leader out
And now it’s turnabout.

John: We’ll take her hostage
And we’ll get some answers.
This girl, this girl.

Charlotte: What is wrong with you?
What did I ever do
To make you all so mean?
If I hadn’t seen
This with my own two eyes,
I’d not believe it, guys.

John: We’ll take her hostage.
We’ll get some answers.

Ben: If you don’t watch your back,
This girl’s team will attack.

Please kill the girl
(Daniel: Not her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: Not her!)
Ben: She’s one of them, we ought to condemn her.
Please
(Daniel: Protect her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: I love her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: I need her!)
Ben: She’s one of them, we should condemn her.

Sawyer: If this is the fault
Of taller ghostly Walt,
I wonder if we are
Traveling so far
And cooking up a scheme
Because of Baldie's dream.

John: We’ll take her hostage
And we’ll get some answers.

Ben: If you don’t watch your back,
This girl’s team will attack.

Please kill the girl
(Daniel: Not her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: Not her!)
Ben: She’s one of them, we ought to condemn her.
Please
(Daniel: Protect her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: I love her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: I need her!)
Ben: She’s one of them, we should condemn her.

Ben: Please
(Daniel: Protect her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: I love her!)
Ben: Kill the girl
(Daniel: I need her!)
Ben: She’s one of them, we ought to condemn her.
Please kill the girl!

Hurley: Don’t kill the girl.
Do her no harm.
Though we have cause for alarm,
Don’t kill the girl.
Let her take flight.
Hey, we’re the good guys, right?

Claire: Don’t kill the girl.
Though Charlie died
To warn us who was inside
That boat out there,
He’d shake his head
And say to spare her instead.

Daniel: Don’t kill the girl.
I love her so,
Though I’ve not yet let her know.
I’d trade my life
To keep her whole.
I’d trade my very soul.

Sayid: I’ll save the girl.
Miles, please come with me.
Frank: There’s a chopper spot for you if
You set her free.
Jack: Help save the girl,
‘Cause I don’t trust John.
Remember, Kate, whose team you’re on.

Jacob: Daniel, I know that this is hard.
But keep the faith and be brave.
When she returns, you’ll be her guard.
Her life is yours to save.

Hurley: Don’t kill the girl.
Do her no harm.
Though we have cause for alarm,
Don’t kill the girl.
Let her take flight.
Don’t kill the girl,
This girl.

My Old Man's a Conman (My Old Man's a Dustman, Lonnie Donegan)

One thing we're learning on LOST is that John Locke has been manipulated many times throughout his life. But he's also manipulated others, as when he got Sawyer to kill Anthony Cooper for him. John didn't explain a thing to him beforehand. If he had, I imagine his explanation would have gone something like this, to the tune of Lonnie Donegan's My Old Man's a Dustman, as performed by the Irish Rovers. (Somehow I mixed up the last two verses when I wrote this; I guess the fourth verse always seemed more like a conclusion to me than the fifth. And I like the ending I've got, so the last two don't quite match up with the recording...)

My Old Man’s a Conman

Now, here’s a little story of many nasty shocks
That ended with my father arriving in a box.
I come to you now wiser. Richard clued me in.
We have a common rival, James. Let’s see… Where do I begin?

Oh, my old man’s a conman. He went by Sawyer too.
Can’t bring myself to kill him, so I'll just leave it up to you.
You’re capable of murder and you’ve searched for him so long.
Fulfilling your oath would help us both. Tell me, how could that be wrong?

When he and I first met, James, he led me to believe
He wanted to befriend me, but I was just naïve.
I gladly gave my kidney, for it seemed like destiny.
But when I went to see him next, he wouldn’t talk to me!

Oh, my old man’s a conman. He went by Sawyer too.
Can’t bring myself to kill him, so I'll just leave it up to you.

Now, though he had betrayed me, I mourned him when he died,
But then I spotted a parked car, and there he was inside.
He told me that he’d wronged me, and he almost seemed sincere -
Till he used me yet again! The outcome was severe.

Oh, my old man’s a conman. He went by Sawyer too.
Can’t bring myself to kill him, so I'll just leave it up to you.

I found some dirt on him one day and told him what I knew.
He said that my suspicions were unfounded and untrue.
I stood there by the window and almost bought his line -
(spoken) Then, James, he pushed me out, shattering my spine!

My old man’s a conman. He went by Sawyer too.
Can’t bring myself to kill him, so I'll just leave it up to you.

Now, my old man’s a conman who, one time long ago,
Seduced a lovely lady, James, and he took her husband’s dough.
(spoken) That fella was your dad.
He learned about the con
And shot his wife and shot himself and…
(spoken) James, need I go on?

Oh, my old man’s a conman. He went by Sawyer too.
Can’t bring myself to kill him, so I'll just leave it up to you.
It’s thanks to this same conman your life has been oh so sad.
So, sure as my name’s John, then, you’re meant to kill my dad!

Daniel's Warning (Coulter's Candy, Traditional)

In LOST, Daniel Faraday's life is just one tragedy after another. I imagine that his mother hoped that he would be able to go back and negate his death by her own hand. Meanwhile, Daniel's chief preoccupation was Charlotte, future love of his life, now just a little girl sneaking in a little chocolate before dinner. Here's a song from their tender scene together in The Variable, to the tune of the Irish Rovers' Coulter's Candy. (In the recording, the actual song starts just after the one-and-a-half-minute mark.)

Daniel’s Warning

Daniel: Little Charlotte,
Sweet red-headed tot,
I gave this a lot of thought.
Heed my warning; leave this spot,
But first, enjoy your candy.

Pledged my love in ‘54.
I couldn’t hide it anymore.
I have to alter the fate that’s in store
While you enjoy your candy.

Little Charlotte,
Sweet red-headed tot,
I gave this a lot of thought.
Heed my warning; leave this spot,
But first, enjoy your candy.

Charlotte: Listen, sir, your sorrow scares me so.
You look like a friendly fellow, though.
Don’t be so sad. Don’t let Daddy know
That I have been eating candy.

Daniel: Little Charlotte,
Sweet red-headed tot,
I gave this a lot of thought.
Heed my warning; leave this spot,
But first, enjoy your candy.

Darling girl, I’m overcome with fear.
Go with your mom and get out of here.
Escape this Island. Don’t come back, my dear,
But by all means, enjoy your candy.

Little Charlotte,
Sweet red-headed tot,
I gave this a lot of thought.
Heed my warning; leave this spot,
But first, enjoy your candy.

Lapidus (Candida, Tony Orlando)

Frank Lapidus is only a sliver below Daniel when it comes to my favorite characters introduced in the second half of LOST. Candid, caustic, but someone who will really stick his neck out. And I get the feeling that if he'd been piloting Flight 815 as intended, the landing would've been a little smoother. Here's a tribute to him, to the tune of Tony Orlando and Dawn's Candida.

Lapidus

Your landing was clean on the Island grass so green
Where you saw the cow you mentioned to Miles.
Though you barely knew any of the Island crew
You protected them with your wiles.

Oh, Lapidus!
So heroic and harried.
You knew that Seth Norris was married -
That it was a phony site.
Oh, Lapidus!
You have the strength of a cedar,
The noble heart of a leader.
Glad ya flew the second flight.

We freely admit we loved your caustic kind of wit
When you grumbled, “We‘re not goin' to Guam, are we?”.
You think the Island’s weird and you’ll soon grow back your beard,
But Frank, you’re right where we want you to be.

Oh, Lapidus!
So heroic and harried.
You knew that Seth Norris was married -
That it was a phony site.
Oh, Lapidus!
You have the strength of a cedar,
The noble heart of a leader.
Glad ya flew the second flight.

Though you barely knew any of the Island crew
You took a risk and you preserved them with your wiles.

Oh, Frank Lapidus!
So heroic and harried.
You knew that Seth Norris was married -
That it was a phony site.
Oh, Frank Lapidus!
You have the strength of a cedar,
The noble heart of a leader.
Glad ya flew the second flight.

Tallies, Time and Tapestries (Poems, Prayers and Promises, John Denver)

One of my favorite scenes in LOST - and one of the most iconic in the series - is the opener of The Incident, which at last introduces us to the elusive Jacob and reveals that he has a nemesis.

When I watch this scene, I can't help being reminded of the old Looney Tunes cartoons about Ralph the Wolf and Sam the Sheepdog. Ralph spends his day trying to steal Sam's sheep, while Sam spends his day trying to thwart his efforts. Just when it seems like one will have the definitive victory, the bell rings to signal the end of the workday, and they cease their chase, exchanging pleasantries before they head home in separate directions.

Jacob and his Nemesis measure their existence in eras rather than days, but it seems that at the end of each era, they too have this moment. Just how genuine is their enmity, anyway? Do they truly hate one another? Or is it more of a partnership? Here are some musings from Jacob, to the tune of John Denver's Poems, Prayers and Promises. (Hat-tip to my good friend Beth, whose contemplation on the possible alchemical framework of LOST gave me the perfect way to extend my slightly reworked version of Jacob's famous quote.)

Tallies, Time and Tapestries

I’ve been on this Island for a long, long time -
Just how long, you know, my old friend.
Although you don’t believe in my grand design,
I’ll prove that you’re mistaken in the end.
We’ve waged an epic battle. I summon, you repel.
You see the worst in men, I see the best.
We keep the scales in balance, do our duties well.
But now and then, it’s nice to have a rest.

You and I understand
How years slip past like grains of sand
Until we stand again as brothers on this shore.
You’re dark and I am light, but now, we needn’t fight.
We have a chance to meet as equals, to enjoy a warm rapport

And talk of tallies, time and tapestries
And which of us is winning,
And whether it has been a waste
And when we will be done.
Why does the world have suffering?
Does fate or free will triumph?
Might we part in friendship when at last the war is won?

You see the ship is coming now; we’ll soon resume our game.
I know what you will have to say to that.
“They come, they fight, destroy, corrupt… It always ends the same.”
How well we have rehearsed our little chat!
You know as well as I do what I’ll tell you in response,
What I’ve replied for centuries untold.
“You’re wrong,” I’ll calmly counter. “My friend, it just ends once.
The rest is progress - lead refined to gold.”

You and I understand
How years slip past like grains of sand
Until we stand again as brothers on this shore.
You’re dark and I am light, but now, we needn’t fight.
We have a chance to meet as equals as we often have before

And talk of tallies, time and tapestries
And which of us is winning,
And whether it has been a waste
And when we will be done.
Why does the world have suffering?
Does fate or free will triumph?
Might we part in friendship when at last the war is won?

Poems, Prayers and Promises

Before He Had Been Born (The Wind That Shakes the Corn, Traditional)

One of the saddest stories on LOST is that of Daniel Faraday, the gentle, addled quantum physicist killed by his own mother. In an earlier parody, I imagined that he died believing that she had led him as a lamb to the slaughter. Here, I take her perspective, and I imagine something a little different - that she insisted so intensely on his studies in hopes that he would find a way to undo her fatal moment (without ripping a gaping hole in the space-time continuum).

For this, I picked another tragic tale of love lost in wartime: the traditional Irish ballad The Wind That Shakes the Corn, as sung by the Irish Rovers. (I'm also assuming that Daniel was born after the Incident - that he was the baby with whom Eloise was pregnant at the time. If that's not true, this parody has a fundamental flaw...)

Before He Had Been Born

I stepped in on a shocking scene. 
I stepped in with my gun.
Back then, I was the Island queen, 
The boss, the number one.
I meant to rescue Richard, though 
He greeted me with scorn
When I took aim and shot my son 
Before he had been born.

I watched his fingers fleetly play 
The music he adored.
I made him cast his dreams away; 
It pierced me like a sword. 
But still, I set him on his path, 
Although my heart was torn,
In hopes I wouldn’t shoot my son 
Before he had been born.

He grew into a physicist 
With such a brilliant mind.
I thought, “If only I had missed!” 
He was so sweet and kind.
And still he seemed a shattered man, 
So frazzled and forlorn,
Yet unaware I’d shot him dead 
Before he had been born.

“Whatever happened, happened” was 
His often-heard refrain.
I hope that he was wrong because 
If not, I strove in vain.
I pray he’ll somehow change the past 
So I’ll no longer mourn
That in coldest blood, I shot my son 
Before he had been born.

The Hidden Hatch (The Rattlin' Bog, Traditional)

One of the most intriguing mysteries LOST handed us was the question of what was in the hatch that John and Boone found hidden in the jungle. In season two, we got our answer. I imagine this song, to the tune of the Irish Rovers' version of The Rattlin' Bog, as a dialogue between the viewers and head writers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse, and I like how the structure of the song drops one piece of the puzzle at a time, just like the show. I also like how, at least as I see it, at the heart of the hatch is Love, especially if we can see the hatch as a metaphor for the show.

The Hidden Hatch

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: Well, in that hatch,
There is a hall, a long hall, a spooky hall.
Hall in the hatch
And the hatch out in the jungle-o.

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: And down the hall,
There is a room, a large room, a gloomy room.
Room down the hall
And the hall in the hatch
And the hatch out in the jungle-o.

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: And in that room,
There is a Scot, a crazed Scot, a lonely Scot.
Scot in the room
And the room down the hall
And the hall in the hatch
And the hatch out in the jungle-o.

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: And by that Scot,
There is some booze, some strong booze, some bottled booze.
Booze by the Scot
And the Scot in the room
And the room down the hall
And the hall in the hatch
And the hatch out in the jungle-o.

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: And by the booze,
There is a book, an old book, a Dickens book.
Book by the booze
And the booze by the Scot
And the Scot in the room
And the room down the hall
And the hall in the hatch
And the hatch out in the jungle-o.

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: And in that book,
There is a note, a short note, a secret note.
Note in the book
And the book by the booze
And the booze by the Scot
And the Scot in the room
And the room down the hall
And the hall in the hatch
And the hatch out in the jungle-o.

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: And in that note
Are words of love, of true love, of constant love.
Love in the note
And the note in the book
And the book by the booze
And the booze by the Scot
And the Scot in the room
And the room down the hall
And the hall in the hatch
And the hatch out in the jungle-o.

Viewers: What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?
What’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o?

Darlton: That’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o.
That’s in the hidden hatch,
The hatch out in the jungle-o!

Eulogy... (I'm Sorry, John Denver)

In The Substitute, LOST provided one of my absolute favorite scenes of the series, one that was simultaneously among the saddest, most touching and funniest scenes thus far. I'm talking about John Locke's funeral, and Ben's heartfelt, albeit slightly petulant, eulogy (and Frank's subsequent assessment that probably echoed the thoughts of many viewers). I think that spending a couple of days with Fake Locke made him appreciate Real Locke much more deeply, and realize that Jacob was right all along about his being special. The eulogy takes on an even sweeter edge when you consider the Sideways storyline, especially if you believe as I do that the Flash Sideways are actually Flash Forwards. Here's my take on that tender moment, to the tune of John Denver's I'm Sorry.

Eulogy (by Ben for John at the Weirdest Funeral Frank’s Ever Been To)

Ben: It’s strange to feel this pity,
This sorrow and remorse.
Maybe I will recover from this in due course.
Knowing that you were chosen,
Knowing that I was not,
Knowing that I reacted like a sulky snot.

I’m sorry I was not a true believer.
I’m sorry I manipulated you.
I’m sorry, now that you’re gone,
I was so petty, John.
You were a victim too.

I’m just so lost without you;
I guess I need a foil.
It feels like I’m the one who’s lying steeped in soil.
I dreamed of you dying;
Now the moment’s come.
It seems more like a nightmare, and I’m nearly numb.

I’m sorry I shot you in the jungle.
I’m sorry that I choked you with a cord.
I’m sorry, now that you’re gone,
I was so petty, John.
I wish your life could be restored.

Frank: This is the weirdest funeral I've been to in all my life.
This is the weirdest funeral, I swear.

Ben: I’m sorry, for you were a kindred spirit.
I’m sorry that I brought about your end.
I’m sorry, now that you’re gone,
I was so petty, John.
I should have been your friend.

"John Locke Was a Believer. He Was a Man of Faith. He Was a Much Better Man Than I Will Ever Be, and I'm Very Sorry I Murdered Him."

When I heard the title The Substitute for tonight’s episode, I figured it would be something epic - some grand revelation about how John Locke was always meant to lead the Others but how Ben wound up on the Island first and took his place out of convenience, something like that. One could argue that “substitute” could refer to this elusive candidate, in which case it still is pretty packed with mythological meaning. (I also can’t help wondering if Jacob was so preoccupied with finding a replacement, does that mean he wanted out as badly as his nemesis did?) But this was primarily a John episode, so let’s deal with him, and the simple delight of finding out how the word “substitute” fits into his life.

John is a substitute teacher. Really, how perfect is that? All throughout season one, before he got too distracted by the hatch, John mentored just about everybody he interacted with. If he can just let his ego get out of the way, he’s a born teacher. And I love that Rose was the one who finally managed to tell John what he couldn’t do - and have him listen. What I think we’re going to see is that Rose is the one castaway who hasn’t changed at all, because she was right where she needed to be all along. The only thing different is her lack of jitters on the plane, so one might say her sense of acceptance has, if anything, deepened in this timeline. But basically, I think Rose was pretty much perfect all along.

Pretty much perfect describes the sideways world in this episode so well that I’m almost certain that we’re seeing the end of their character arcs play out as the season goes along. Flash-sideways = flash-forward that happens to take place in the past. Somehow, what happens on the Island leads to this reality, where the lessons learned from the grueling but rewarding Island experience are embedded in the castaways’ consciousnesses. (Remember how season five began at the ending, showing us a scene from The Variable and leading us toward that point for most of the rest of the season? I think there’s an element of that at work here.) So even though he doesn’t end up on the Island, John gets his happy ending. And who knows? If he decides to consult Jack, he might just end up taking that walkabout after all.

I also think that the substitute could be a reference to his father, though that revelation would be yet to come. When Helen mentioned him, my dad voiced my own thoughts: “Why in the world would he want to invite him?” My guess? Not Anthony Cooper. I’m not sure if John got into the wheelchair the same way. I’m thinking probably not. I’m also thinking that the father Helen refers to is an adoptive father, a “substitute”, if you will. That instead of being bounced around the foster care system throughout his childhood, John was chosen. Perhaps his father might turn out to be someone we already know - Richard, perhaps, looking downright elderly, or even Jacob. Though it’s hard to imagine either of them in such a down-to-earth role now.

In sideways world, John is still a broken man. He’s still stubborn, and sometimes angry. And his faith is weak. But he is open to change, and the more castaways he interacts with, the more steps he takes toward wholeness. Helping him along the way is Helen, who believes in miracles and believes in him. Lots of familiar faces tonight. Randy is still a twerp, but he somehow seems more competent than before. The phony psychic David Reyes paid off now has a much more respectable job. And Hurley… I was a little worried at first that Big Honkin’ SUV was a symptom of Obnoxious Corporate Hurley, but good luck doesn’t seem to have tainted him. He’s still the same sweet soul, and his encouragement really helped John in his road to acceptance.

And Ben. Oh, Ben. Uppity. Erudite. Office annoyance of the Dwight Schrute variety. (On a side note, considering how two of his rare genuinely happy moments occurred on a swing set, it's sweet to see him working someplace that probably has one.) And a true kindred spirit for John (who shares his taste in tea with another bald leader, Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise). At last that spark of kinship can blossom into deep mutual respect, a friendship uncomplicated by power struggles. Just as Terry O’Quinn and Michael Emerson are so perfectly matched together, a step above each of the other exceptionally talented actors in the cast in terms of their abilities, so, too, are John and Ben bosom buddies waiting to bloom. We saw foreshadowing in Ben’s eulogy. Short. Sincere. Contrite. Surprisingly forthright. It was so touching, so tragic and yet so funny at the same time, for him to just blurt out his confession like that, and especially for nobody to even question him about it. But then to be followed by Frank’s coarse assessment that this was the weirdest funeral he’d ever been to… I think that one had me laughing all the way through the next commercial break.

This was a surprisingly funny episode. John’s are usually so heavy, but everything in his storyline just felt so refreshing, starting with the cascade of calamities that leaves him stranded on his lawn and laughing over the absurdity as the sprinklers drench him. The smile spread across his face for a different reason, but I got the same sense of rejuvenation as I did when I watched him turn his face to the rainstorm back on the beach shortly after the crash, when all of the other survivors were running for cover. And despite the apparently terrifying stakes, I chortled when Pseudo-Locke bellowed, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!” Maybe there's a little Real John embedded in that skin.

Now, that part of the storyline was much darker. I was impressed with Sawyer for realizing almost immediately that he was dealing with some sort of impostor because this was a man without fear. Astute observation. Very misleading previews this week; Richard seemed to be talking to Sun when he was actually talking to Sawyer, and Pseudo-Locke seemed to be talking to Sawyer when he was actually talking to Richard. And Sawyer didn’t plummet to his death. Thank goodness!

Did anyone else get a Harry Potter vibe from the cave scene? I kept finding myself thinking of Harry and Dumbledore’s journey to the cave - or perhaps Kreacher and Voldemort. Because it seems that Sawyer is about to be used in a big way. Or that's the intention, anyway, though House Elves have magic of which Voldemort can't conceive, and Sawyer has more smarts and heart than Smokey can imagine. I didn’t find the cave itself all that scary, but the trip there certainly was arduous. The revelation that each “candidate” corresponds to one of the Numbers is odd; how does Jacob decide who gets what number? How does he decide that someone isn’t a candidate after all (or are they just crossed off when they die)? Pseudo-Locke’s dark “inside joke” made by tossing the white stone on the scale into the ocean seems to indicate that Smokey now reigns supreme. Dark times on the Island indeed.

Certainly dark times for Richard. Very strange to see him as flustered as Faraday, as hysterical as Claire. The manic panic of his whispered conversation with Sawyer was so unlike anything we’ve ever seen from him. I hope he makes it to the Temple on time. I had to chuckle as I cheered at his defiance in his first scene, since all I could think was Luke Skywalker snarling, “I’ll never join you!” But boy, Richard is seeming more and more clueless all the time. He does know how dangerous Pseudo-Locke is. But for a guy who once seemed omniscient, he seems to have been left out of the cc on some very important memos.

Why does Ilana know more than he does? Ilana, from whom we saw genuine grief today. Ilana, who still doesn’t realize that Ben is the one who killed Jacob but does know who Jin is and where he must be. Who was in a hurry but was respectful enough to agree when Sun suggested John get a proper burial and, not knowing John herself, coaxed a eulogy out of someone who did. And may I just say that the funeral music was one of the most gorgeous Life and Death variations yet. I also found myself swept away by the beauty of the score in the John and Helen Discuss Miracles scene.

That still leaves Phantom Boy, and I really don’t know what to say about him, except that he looked very much like a pint-sized version of Jacob, and everything he said and did seemed to be what Jacob would say and do. Could he maybe be Aaron, doing some kind of freaky astral projection thing like Walt? Is this some manifestation of Jacob, or is it yet another level in the hierarchy, someone to whom both Jacob and his nemesis answer? I’m not sure. And it makes me very sad to think that the show might end with the Island underwater, submerged, no longer needed. And what happens to Jacob and Smokey then? Do they blink out of existence? Or is it up to the castaways to recognize them by other names, a la Lucy at the end of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, back in the real world? The Island is, perhaps, a metaphor for the show itself, and the writers have ingeniously found a way to ease us back into the real world along with the castaways, to bring us all to a place where we can apply the lessons from the Island to our own lives. May they be worthy lessons indeed, and may we be open to them.

Langdon Street (Bleecker Street, Paul Simon)

Season six of LOST has already given us a lot to chew on. Here's my first season six parody, and the first to deal with the sideways storyline. This one's from the perspective of Claire, to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's Bleecker Street.

Langdon Street

Hopped in a cab when I left LAX,
And I said, “Take me to Langdon Street.”
Then this lady packin’ heat
Plopped herself down in my seat.

First she hollered and then she shoved,
And I tumbled, shrieking, from the car.
She took my bag and left me stranded far
From Langdon Street.

She went to lead her life of crime.
Never, never thought we’d meet again.
But she tracked me down and then
Found Langdon Street.

I guess she felt a bit ashamed.
I could tell I had her pity.
I’m so glad she was with me
On Langdon Street.

Langdon Street.

Trust (I Will, Paul McCartney)

Here's another LOST parody inspired by What Kate Does. This time, Sayid is the speaker, to the tune of the Beatles' I Will.

Trust

They say I’ve been infected.
Who knows what’s in that pill?
If I take it, it could kill me;
If you want me to, I will.

Although you claim they cured me,
They hardly seem sincere.
But we’ve been in this together
Since the day we landed here.

In this together, so forever,
Jack, you will have my trust.
If you say swallow, I will follow.
I will do what I must.

I don’t care that they fixed me;
It’s you who is my friend.
So just lay it on the line, Jack.
Say this medicine is fine, Jack.
Or advise me to decline the pill, Jack.
Oh, you know I will.
I will.

You Were Wrong, Jack (Hit the Road, Jack, Percy Mayfield)

Sayid may trust Jack, but Sawyer sure doesn't have much faith in his decisions these days. Here's an LA X parody from Sawyer's perspective, to the tune of Ray Charles' Hit the Road, Jack.

You Were Wrong, Jack

You were wrong, Jack.
We’re back where we were before, before, before, before.
You were wrong, Jack.
We’re back where we were before.

JULIET!

You were wrong, Jack.
We’re back where we were before, before, before, before.
You were wrong, Jack.
We’re back where we were before.

Oh, Leader, oh, Leader, you led us astray.
Why’d you have to go and listen to Faraday?
Now Juliet is dead.
Don’t blame me if I’m seein’ red.

Hey, Jack!

You were wrong, Jack.
We’re back where we were before, before, before, before.
You were wrong, Jack.
We’re back where we were before.

JULIET!

You were wrong, Jack.
We’re back where we were before, before, before, before.
You were wrong, Jack.
We’re back where we were before.

Kate: Oh, Sawyer, listen, Sawyer, could you give him a break?
He knows that he made a big mistake.

Sawyer: I ain’t gonna kill ’im, so don’t you fuss;
He deserves to suffer like the rest of us.
Now Juliet is dead,
So don’t blame me if I’m seein’ red.

Hey, Jack!

You were wrong, Jack.
We’re back where we were before, before, before, before.
You were wrong, Jack.
We’re back where we were before.

JULIET!

You were wrong, Jack.
We’re back where we were before, before, before, before.
You were wrong, Jack.
We’re back where we were before.

Bye, Australia! (Sing Australia, John Denver)

My very first LOST parody was a group song, but I've only had a few let's-get-as-many-characters-involved-as-we-can-style parodies. I figured it was time for another one. Here's one that crams in 30 815 passengers, I think; most have a line, some are mentioned by others. To the tune of John Denver's Sing Australia, this imagines their thoughts en route to L. A. (in the original timeline).

Bye, Australia!

Hurley: I came to Australia to break the Numbers curse.
Jack: I came to find my father; didn’t think I would need a hearse.
Boone: Came to help my step-sister.
Arzt: Came here for a date.
John: I came for a walkabout; I was four years too late.

Rose: We were here on our honeymoon.
Bernard: I came to help her heal.
Nikki: I arrived as an actress but I found some gems to steal.
Charlie: Liam is on my black list since he won’t revive the band.
Kate: Maybe I’ll find some way to lose the Marshal when we land.

Hurley: I’m unlucky.
Kate: I am plucky.
Jack: I’m a surgeon of great renown.
Charlie: I’m a druggie.
John: I had a purpose, but Australia let me down.

Michael: Walt is my son, but I bet I’m a lousy dad.
Sawyer: Killed a guy I didn’t know; now I’m feelin’ bad.
Sun: Do I still love my husband?
Jin: Could Sun still be in love with me?
Neil: Excuse me while I dream of a frogurt factory.

Sayid: Will Nadia embrace me when we meet again at last?
Shannon: I made my brother chase me.
Eko: I have a sordid past.
Gary: I hope Bad Twin’s a winner.
Steve: I’ll go by Scott someday.
Claire: I’m scared to see this couple waiting in L. A.

Sawyer: I’m a killer.
Gary: Wrote a thriller.
Sayid: I am headed for my true love.
Claire: Funny how it all seems so tiny when we’re watching from above.

Cindy: Bye, Australia!
Paolo: Bye, Australia!
Ana Lucia: Bye, Australia!
Libby: Bye, Australia!

Seth: Folks, I hope your belts are buckled,
‘Cause this plane is goin’ down!

Sing Australia

Just Because He's John (Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, Richard & Robert Sherman)

As of the season five finale of LOST, Ben Linus appears to be a very broken man. While I hated Ben's ultimate actions in his last scene of The Incident, his frustration seems understandable. Here's his little rant to Jacob to the tune of the Sherman Brothers' Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Just Because He’s John

So, just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses.
Following you hasn’t really been a bed of roses.
What about me, Jacob? Can’t you see why I oppose this?
Just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses!

I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.
I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.
I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.
I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.

I longed to be your lackey when I was a lonely lad.
My final test of loyalty was killing my own dad.
I shivered as he shuddered and the blood poured out his nose,
But, sure that you would love me more, said, “That’s the way it goes.”

But just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses.
Following you hasn’t really been a bed of roses.
What about me, Jacob? Can’t you see why I oppose this?
Just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses!

I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.
I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.
I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.
I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.

Those lists and the instructions Richard handed down to me...
I did what I was told to and I waited patiently.
Though John was in a wheelchair, he came here, and he was fine;
My service was rewarded with a tumor on my spine.

For just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses.
Following you hasn’t really been a bed of roses.
What about me, Jacob? Can’t you see why I oppose this?
Just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses!

I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.
I’m just a pitiful, unloved little guy.

[Spoken] Jacob: Benjamin... whatever he's told you, I want you to understand one thing. You have a choice.
Ben: What “choice”?

For more than 30 years, I went along with all your plans.
You banished me and left my daughter’s murder on my hands.
It’s clear now that you’ve never cared for me in all my life.

[Spoken] Well, here goes, then.

You couldn’t just apologize, so now you get the knife!

[Spoken] I would fight back if I were you...

Oh, just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses!
Just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses!
Just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses!
Just because he’s John, you let him march in here like Moses!

In the D. I. (Under the Sea, Alan Menken / Howard Ashman)

Ben Linus comes by his grousing honestly; his father Roger did a lot of complaining back in DHARMA days. Here's a song to the tune of Alan Menken and Howard Ashman's Under the Sea set during season three's The Man Behind the Curtain. Here, Horace, the hippie-ish DHARMA Initiative honcho (and one of my favorite minor characters) tries to convince a surly Roger to stick around.

In the D. I.

I get it. You’ve got the jitters
Because of today’s attack.
You’re lonely, depressed and bitter;
You’re thinking of going back.
Remember the day I met you?
Well, you were a mess back then.
Be glad I did not forget you.
I care about you and Ben.

In the D. I., in the D. I.
Though you may scoff here,
You’re better off here.
I’ll tell you why.
Even a Work Man has his place
Helping to heal the human race.
This job’s a gift, since
You’ll make a diff’rence
In the D. I.

The natives are acting funny,
But we’ll keep them all in line.
We’re not in this thing for money,
So don’t let me hear you whine.
You left nothing back in Portland
But unpleasant memories.
I’m here if you need support, man,
But spare me the snarling, please.

In the D. I., in the D. I.
Nice, cozy housing.
Beer for carousing.
Tasty fish fries.
All the Apollos you can eat.
Luaus Hawaii couldn’t beat!
Welcoming neighbors.
Purposeful labor
In the D. I.
In the D. I.
Quality schooling.
Ben is no fool;
In fact, he’s just shy.
I knew he’d find himself a pal;
Annie’s a kind and clever gal.
Don’t separate them.
Wonders await them
In the D. I.

The air is so rare
And clear over here.
It‘s green and pristine,
A thrilling frontier.
We smile on this isle,
And life’s free from strife;
It’s calm almost all the time, man.
We say “Namaste”
And croon DHARMA tunes.
We dance and romance
On warm afternoons.
There’s peace and release
And fun in the sun.
The climate is sublime!

In the D. I., in the D. I.
Here where we stack
Geronimo Jackson
Albums sky-high.
Why would you ever want to leave?
We have utopia up our sleeves.
Hanso’s a genius!
Minimize meanness
In the D. I.
Half-hidden hatches.
Debonair patches
In the D. I.
Stop getting hammered.
Many have clamored
For a position
In our great mission.
You should be thanking
Me for your ranking
In the D. I.

The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham (Greenland Whale Fisheries, Traditional)

John Locke has always been one of my favorite characters on LOST. Boy, did he get the short end of the stick. Here's a bit of a rarity for me, a parody not written from the perspective of a particular character, though it is addressed to John, to the tune of Peter Paul and Mary's Greenland Whale Fisheries.

The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham

When you flash through time and you lose your grip
And you land with a fracture of the leg
And then Christian comes and he says to turn the wheel,
No more, no more Island for you, John Locke.
No more, no more Island for you.

‘Twas in some unspecified Island time
When Frank had flown away,
Taking Jack and Kate and Hurley and the rest,
That you learned you couldn’t stay, John Locke.
You learned you couldn’t stay.

You turned the wheel and you found yourself
In Tunisia in the sand.
You were hurt, you were hurt, you were hurt but then you got
A surprising helping hand, John Locke.
Yes, Widmore’s helping hand.

So he sent you out with a pseudonym
And a list of friends you had to find.
But Sayid was sharp and Kate, she was cruel,
And poor Hurley’d lost his mind, John Locke.
Poor Hurley’d lost his mind.

Well, you called on Walt, who had grown so tall,
And he was kind to you,
But he’d lost so much, you could ask no more of him.
You bid the boy adieu, John Locke.
You bid the boy adieu.

Oh, Jack was obstinate and mean.
“John, it’s over! Go away,” he said.
But then Ben was there, and he really seemed to care
Until he choked you dead, John Locke.
Until he choked you dead.

When you flash through time and you lose your grip
And you land with a fracture of the leg
And then Christian comes and he says to turn the wheel,
No more, no more Island for you, John Locke.
No more, no more Island for you.

Greenland Whale Fisheries