John Locke Action Figure Review

You think I shouldn't spend my money on a John Locke action figure?  Don't tell me what I can't do!

Despair (Here, There and Everywhere, Paul McCartney)

After all this gushing over Charlie, I've finally written a parody for him. Set to the tune of Here, There and Everywhere, it captures his state of desolation early in the first season.

Despair

What's happened to my life,
And how did I end up here?

We're
Likely to stay around here,
Stuck here for life with the waves and the sand.
Why did I plan
To fly Oceanic Air?

Where
Are we? Does anyone care
That I've gone missing? I'd rather not be
Someplace that's creeping
With monsters and polar bears.

And when that John guy stares,
He can see inside me. Why'd I come so unprepared?
I should have a hundred bags of drugs to spare.
I'm running out, and I'm scared.
I wish he'd leave me alone, but those eyes,
Probing and wise...
They follow me everywhere.

And when that John guy stares,
He can see inside me. Why'd I come so unprepared?
I should have a hundred bags of drugs to spare.
I'm running out, and I'm scared.
I wish he'd leave me alone, but those eyes,
Probing and wise...
They follow me everywhere.

If not for Claire,
I'd fold, I swear.
She spares me from despair.

The Star of My Supreme Deception (The Only Living Boy in New York, Paul Simon)

Here's another Other-centered LOST parody in which Ben is the speaker. It assumes that Ben actually did know about his tumor before the plane crashed, which may well not be the case, but until I know otherwise I guess I'll take him at his word. Here's a little exchange between him and Tom (aka Mr. Friendly), who I take to be his right-hand man, to the tune of The Only Living Boy in New York.

The Star of My Supreme Deception

Ben: Tom, there's a plane in the sky.
I know you're happy to lie.
Try not to let them know
Those grimy clothes and that beard are for show.
Just be the man,
The star of my supreme deception.

I'll send you out to meet
Them so I won't get hurt.
Oh, I'm in charge so I can make you meet
Them so I won't get hurt.
Hey, and I'm hoping that you will pray to find
One who might get this bump off my spine
While you're the man,
The star of my supreme deception.

Half of my time is gone,
But I know he's there, yes, I know he's there.

Tom and Ben: Faaaaa-a-a-ar,
Fa-a-aaaaaaaa-a-a-ar,
Fa-a-aaaaaaaa-a-a-ar away from here,
Ben: Find that man.

Half of my time is gone,
But I know he's there, yes, I know he's there.

Tom, on that plane is a guy.
I know with him I won't have to die now.
Hey, if you care for this life of mine now,
Hurry and go there but don't let them know
You've been primed to be
The star of my supreme deception,
The star of my supreme deception.

Ben and Tom: Faaaaa-a-a-ar,
Fa-a-aaaaaaaa-a-a-ar,
Fa-a-aaaaaaaa-a-a-ar away from here,
Ben: Find that man.
Ben and Tom:Faaaaa-a-a-ar,
Fa-a-aaaaaaaa-a-a-ar,
Fa-a-aaaaaaaa-a-a-ar away from here,
Ben: Find that man.

Charlie Pace Action Figure Review

Charlie Pace is the first of my LOST figures but certainly not the last.

Quit Callin' Me James (Sweet Baby James, James Taylor)

Back when I started watching LOST, Sawyer immediately emerged as the apparent antagonist. It seemed Abrams and the gang were gearing us up for a Lord of the Flies-style showdown between Jack and Sawyer. But I wasn't buying it. I just knew there had to be more to Sawyer than met the eye, so I was gratified that it didn't take long at all for him to emerge as a sympathetic character boasting a number of surprising traits, among them his linguistic cleverness and tendency to be a bookworm. He became so likable, in fact, that a recent poll asking fans their favorite male character showed Sawyer way out in front with twice as many votes as any of the other fellas. I won't go that far, but I like Sawyer. I think he's a really good guy despite his best attempts to convince us otherwise.

He reminds me a lot of Han Solo. There's the fact that two of the nicknames he gives out are not only Star Wars related, but close personal associates of Han, but beyond that there is just his whole self-centered, cynical persona that gradually melts into consideration and heroism as the saga wears on, largely due to Kate. On that score, their last scene together in the fall finale gave me a major flashback to the Empire Strikes Back carbonite deep-freeze scene that unsettled me so greatly as a youngster. I don't know whether that sense of deja vu was intended; I do know that I like it but will begin to severely question the writers' creativity should Jack suddenly turn out to be Kate's long-lost brother.

Anyway, this parody is another that has to do with pseudonyms. I love Locke, but he's a bit of a busybody, albeit well-intentioned. Landing upon this island has allowed him to embrace his true nature, and he wants everyone else to throw off the ugliness that built up in their lives up to the point of the crash, to start off with a clean slate. Of all the characters, he seems to have the least interaction with Sawyer. I don't think this is an accident; Sawyer does not want to be mentored, and I would think he would find it very irritating that Locke insists upon calling him by his birth name rather than the moniker he deliberately appropriated for himself. So this is the protest I imagine Sawyer launching.

Though I didn't really think about it at the time, I like the fact that I settled on a lullaby - Sweet Baby James - for this parody, since in some sense it is indicative of the fact that Sawyer's bark is usually worse than his bite...

Quit Callin' Me James

I live like an outlaw. That's not gonna change.
I won't save the day like a Samwise or d'Artagnan.
I'm bound to betray all of my closest companions.
With what I've been through... well, that shouldn't seem strange.

So don't act surprised that you've found I'm a liar.
My crimes are as big as these glasses I wear.
And some fresh horizon won't spark a desire
To start acting selfless. See, I just don't care.
But just in case you're not aware...

How can a guy be shady
With Mr. Clean calling 'im James?
I have no use for this kind of abuse,
Though I'm eager to dole out nicknames.
I'm Sawyer; quit callin' me James!

I don't wanna remember that night long ago
When my life was ruined. From then on, I've figgered
What to do when I'm cornered is just make my cons bigger.
Can't leave that behind me; I'm just warmin' up, you know.

There's a con that I pulled to grab hold of a fortune,
A con that I pulled on a gal who loved me,
A con that I pulled for the guns... Oh, I'm sure
Freckles may have a secret or two up her sleeve,
But she ain't got nothin' on me.

But how can a guy be shady
With Mr. Clean calling 'im James?
I have no use for this kind of abuse,
Though I'm eager to dole out nicknames.
I'm Sawyer; quit callin' me James!

Sweet Baby James

Henry (Not Ben) (Henry the Eighth, Traditional)

I'm finally, finally caught up on LOST, and I'm in the mood to ramble a bit, so there will be just a bit of spoilerific speculation before I post my parody. It's also padding, because it's one of the shortest I've posted. All but two of my LOST parodies so far have been focused on the group, so I figured it was time I gave more attention to individuals. I'm starting with Henry (who I shan't call Ben because I was too invested in the pseudonym by the time I got the real name). This is partly because I think he's probably the central character of season three - the first part of it anyway - but mostly because his parody popped into my head first.

Incidentally, I made an interesting discovery recently. LOST started on September 22, 2004, my parents' 25th anniversary. I knew it at the time, obviously, but I completely forgot until the show itself reminded me recently. Moreover, season three resumes on February 7, my dad's birthday. Coincidence?

Anyway, I find Henry intriguing. My dad was so disgusted at the treatment he received when he was first introduced that it turned him off of Sayid for a while. Now, whenever he sees the guy, he says, "Boy, that Ben sure is creepy." I felt sorry for him when he was captured. I thought there was a good chance he was an Other and that while Sayid was overly rough with him owing to the deadly combination of his acquired torturing skills and a very recent searing personal loss, the interrogation made sense. But I still wanted to be on Henry's side. And those LOST folks made me like Sawyer and Jin, among others who seemed initially unsavory, so why should they begrudge me a little sympathy for this fellow?

Still, his behavior makes very little sense to me. If he knew all along what his purposes were for Jack, why in the world did he take so long to fetch him? Days count for a lot when you have a malignant tumor, so I would think the proper course of action would have been to speed on over to the wreckage on that little motorboat and say, "Hey, there! I'm Ben, and I live just across the island. Welcome aboard! We've got food and shelter and... oh, yes, advanced medical equipment. I don't suppose there's anyone here who would care to get this pesky tumor off my back?"

Of course, maybe he actually didn't know about the tumor until Jack told him, in which case his reasons for acquiring him were different, and probably more sinister: to deprive the castaways of their leader, or their doctor. Or at least to have an extra doctor in reserve for the Others. Whatever the reasons, I don't see the point of all the dastardly deeds and deceptions. If they are indeed "the good guys," as he claims, why can't they just play nice? I suppose that means they aren't the good guys. Whatever the case may be, I hope the show does some explaining soon, because these Others sure are befuddling.

In any event, here's a parody of I'm Henry the Eighth, I Am, the Herman's Hermits version. Though it captures him in a moment of blatant falsehood, here's to the notion that there might be some good in Henry - beg your pardon, Ben - after all.

Henry (Not Ben)

I'm Henry (not Ben), I am,
Henry (not Ben) I am, I am.
I crash-landed on the thick jungle floor.
My balloon and my wife are no more.
And yes, my first name is Henry (Henry).
I'm innocent and helpless as a lamb (a lamb).
I'm the victim here. I'm Henry.
Henry (not Ben) I am.

Think you're cursed?
I've had it worse!

I'm Henry (not Ben), I am,
Henry (not Ben) I am, I am.
I crash-landed on the thick jungle floor,
My balloon and my wife are no more.
And yes, my first name is Henry (Henry).
I'm innocent and helpless as a lamb (a lamb).
I'm the victim here. I'm Henry.
Henry (not Ben) I am.

I'm Henry (not Ben), I am,
Henry (not Ben) I am, I am.
I crash-landed on the thick jungle floor.
My balloon and my wife are no more.
And yes, my first name is Henry (Henry).
I'm innocent and helpless as a lamb (a lamb).
I'm the victim here. I'm Henry.
Henry (not Ben) I am.

Henry. Henry Gale!
Henry, Henry.
Henry (not Ben) I am, I am.
Henry (not Ben) I am.

Season Two Review

There's way too much artillery in season two of LOST.  But Desmond and Henry make up for it.  And Rose and Bernard get an episode to themselves!